360SUBMISSIONS: foHORNYcation with Yuzedo – How I lost my virginity.

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Virginity like bubble, one prick all goneChinese Proverb.
Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunityAnonymous

Before I start, how about we all make a solemn promise that all I tell you on this forum shall stay between us?? I harbor political ambitions and detailing my escapades on the World Wide Web for YOUR entertainment I believe will not help me much when a background check is run on my ass in 20yrs… Discretion is key boys and girls.. Discretion is key!

So, do you guys solemnly promise to shut your yaps and not judge me in future, based on my past delinquencies? Excellent! Heyss, Bingo, you don’t count! You are a motherfucking snitch now, and you’ll be a motherfucking snitch in 20yrs… Its ok tho, I’ll have u assassinated in 19yrs so we cool.

Ok, so, HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY? (They smile, the perverts).

First of all, I don’t know when I lost my virginity. **straight face**

What actually counts as loss of male virginity? First time Mr. Monkey penetrated a vagina or first time Mr. Monkey penetrated a vagina AND spilled his nuts? Because either way, I think I lost mine to the absolutely worst, “don’t-lose-your-precious-virginity-to-this-kinda-female” person. And I challenge you to put forward a worse candidate! I will expatiate.

The first time I actually put my little (it was little then) penis inside a vagina was at age thirteen. From age three till then, I had been in what soccer aficionados would call “pre-season”, sampling over a hundred (I shit you not) breastless, pubic-hair-less girls in my age group (and quite a number of mature, breastful, pubic hair-ful nymphs actually)… but I had not engaged in actual penetration till then.

Here’s how I lost my innocence to “Ugo”…

Our neighbors downstairs had their relatives move in with them. The whole family had to temporarily move base because robbers were laying siege on a nightly basis in their part of town.

Now, in that family was this paragon of beauty in my young eyes. Oh, she was gorgeous. She was finer than Venus. The real deal! And then there was the house-maid(No Jessica Alba I assure you). I “fortunately” had something to do with the former (story for another day), but it was the scheming latter who manipulated me into sleeping with her horny ibo ass! (Surprise, surprise, sigh!)

This insipid wench, probably mandated by the forces of darkness, had her scheming eyes on me for as long as they were in the house. I was pretty indifferent, as I was enjoying an exciting experience with her older, sexier, infinitely finer, more exposed mistress. It was the knowledge of this that probably gingered the said Ugo into desperate action.

Having assisted me in a “dangerous” mission I undertook against her mistress (As Agent 77), Ugo felt her recompense must be my hard dick going into her house-maid pussy or nothing! In hindsight, “nothing” would have been excellent, but really now? I was going to pass off the opportunity to act out what years of soft porn and hardcore “mojo” had glorified? Fuck no!

Might I add at this point that my more focused colleagues at Kings College were busy reading, writing continuous assessment tests and shit, and I was playing truant for some coochie? But that’s irrelevant! Pussy over Modern Biology I always say. I mean, why read about pussy and shit when you can get practicals right?

So there I was. Alone in the house with this domestic Jezebel, and she wanted my pee-pee in her puss-puss with the urgency of a prisoner trying to rape his christian cellmate. So she starts to strip, and I’m looking on, because 10years of pre-season hasn’t prepared me for this to be honest. And then she’s naked in front of me in all her glory. And on second thoughts, it can’t really be qualified as “glory”, because her nakedness eventually registers in my mind, and my inner voice immediately screams, “WHAT THA FUCK?!”…..

……….. Then it screams again, “NIGGA WHAT THA FUCK?!

Her VERY sagging boobs looked like my neighbor’s 80year old grandma had tried to get a boob job to transform from an A-cup to a B-cup, and then an enraged giant had grabbed a hold of those new B-cups and squeezed and wrung the motherfucking silicone out of the motherfuckers one at a time, like you would wring wet to get rid of all the rinsing water, and then they now looked like two used condoms stapled to some ugly broad’s chest!

So there I stood in morbid confusion. A voice in my head that sounded eerily like Jesus’ saying, “Son, retreat. DO NOT DO THIS.”

And another voice that sounded ‘familiarly’ like Satan saying, “Bro, abort! Abort! Listen to Jesus, this is some fucked up shit man!”

*************** TO BE CONTINUED***************

A young man goes to a whorehouse to experience his first taste of sex.

The madam suggests that he start with 69.

He decides to give it a try.

The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

The man quietly says to himself, “Phew”, but he goes down on her again.

A moment later she farts again. He says “Phew”, but continues.

Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what’s wrong, and he replies “I don’t think I can take another 66 of those!”

AND………….

Two men decided to skip work and spend the day golfing. The first guy gets up to the tee and drives the ball straight down the fairway. The next guy, under pressure drives his ball off the tee and slices it into a near by field.

When the man approaches the ball he sees that the ball is surrounded by butter-cups. He thinks to himself, “I can’t kill all of these beautiful flowers.” He picks up his ball and throws it into the fairway. As soon as he is about to take his next shot Mother Nature appears out of the sky.

“That was a wonderful thing you just did saving the lives of those beautiful butter-cups. Now every time you think of butter you will have all you need.” Mother Nature disappears.

The man starts throwing his clubs and swearing. The other man says to him, “What the hell are you mad about Mother Nature just gave you a wonderful gift.”

He answers his golf partner, “Another 10 yards and I was in the PUSSY willows!!!”

**signing out**

Follow on twitter @yuzedo77 (Guaranteed follow back)

Yuzedo

Yuzedo

•Man without a MANual. •Have both an Ego and an Alter-Ego.. Neither is positive. •Brain of a Rocket Scientist (Albeit a very lazy one) •Gentleman with values deep-down (VERY deep-down) •Greatest Achievement: Killing a lion with bare hands & walking away in slow motion & Killing "two stones with one bird". @Yuzedo77

6 comments

  1. Woooow perfectly written, wldnt add anytin to it. And dis >>>> ”
    And another voice that sounded ‘familiarly’
    like Satan “… Dat line killed me

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