I am not depressed. That is my new mantra. As far as untruths go, this one knocks the ball right out of the ballpark, as they say in baseball; I have just scored a home run. I am depressed. When I say this out loud the most common reply I get is a snide look. A look which when translated to words is “see this one, looking for sympathy by forming oyibo disease”. Others say instead, “how can you be depressed, your life is so great”. It is interesting that they can tell how great my life is, seeing as I was of the erroneous opinion that only I lived my life.
As frustrating as that reply is, I understand why I get it. Apparently it is an anomaly for a young woman with no foreseeable responsibilities to say, “I am depressed”. I have no kids or husband to fret about and best of all I am still in the University, so my parents foot my bills. My point being that, it cannot be a financial crisis that has caused my depressive state. I have the perfect life, yes? Okay I’ll add that to my mantra list. Bear in mind that this is also a lie. A few people tell me they would kill to live my life. I would welcome this, my only condition is that you kill me, after that by all means please live my life.
This is not a cry for help. I am not sitting in a dark room testing the sharpness of a knife by making little incisions on my thumb. You do not need to leave helpful bible verses in the comments section, albeit in a desperate bid to save my soul from eternal damnation. I am depressed, not suicidal. If it is any consolation, I am writing this in a tastefully furnished flat, watching a pretty funny episode of the big bang theory. I’m guessing by now that your patience has run out and all you’d like is for me to explain why I’m depressed. I could pretend I have no idea why I’m depressed but that would also be a lie. Truth time; I am depressed because I’m powerless.
I’m depressed because I must depend on others for my well-being. I’m depressed because I have unresolved childhood issues. I’m depressed because it is not Nigerian to talk about said issues. In this proud black nation, we seek the face of God in prayers. I am depressed because I’ve lost my faith and I cannot seem to find it. I try, because I understand that, if anyone can help me it is Him, but everyday God seems even farther and harder to reach. I am depressed because misery loves company and I have no miserable company. I am depressed because I desperately need to be more specific about the reasons for my depression, but I cannot because I’m too scared to.
“Joy comes in the morning”. That is a lie. Joy comes in short bursts, in between long drawn out spells of sadness, and if you aren’t depressed then do replace the sadness with indifference. I am not without happy moments, far from it. I consider myself blessed. The only problem is that, my happy moments do not last forever and the sadness always creeps back in. “You have so much to live for, things will get better”. How do you know this? Are you psychic? Better still, are you God? The truth is for some people, life never gets better. It only alternates between varying degrees of worse/bad/terrible.
I am not suicidal. This is not a lie. I am a coward and I am also catholic. Days spent in catechism classes have instilled in me the requisite amount of fear for hell fire. I am too scared to slit my veins and too catholic to resort to such an extreme. So I smile and when I can manage it, I laugh. Does it help? No, not really, but society demands that I act happy, I am but one of 6 billion people, society wins. Where am I going with this? Honestly I have no idea so I think I’ll put us both out of our misery and just end it. Not my life, no, I’ll end this article. I am not suicidal just depressed.
A lot of people walk around with smiles on their faces, even when their world is crumbling down around them. Dear reader, it is not the ones that frown that should worry you. No, at least with those ones you can see their pain and attempt to be a shoulder they can lean. I smile a lot and most times it is just a smile. When I smile what I’m trying to tell you is “I am unhappy, I need your help, but I do not know how to ask you for it”. When I smile what I’m saying is “I might seem happy, but a hug or kind words would be appreciated”. I am depressed but I’m determined to go on living.
Dearest reader, i apologize for the rather long hiatus. I recently read an interview with Oreka of Beat Fm and she said the best advice she got when starting out on radio was from Olisa, he said and I paraphrase; “Do not turn the air mic on if you have nothing to say”. With my writing I am now determined to only come on air when I have something to say.
Jazz is back, tell a friend. Thank you for reading.