Coco’s Chronicles: Dear Lagos

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Dear Lagos,
Hi… I had to write this letter to you. Please I cannot afford to exchange pleasantries, just stop what you’re doing and read my letter please.

Why are u so crazy? Traffic, the never ending bustle! You have the highest number of street touts and wakabouts I have ever laid my cute eyes upon! Boys that’ll always call “fine girl” or “sister” when I pass by and always try to grab either my top or my jeans or the wristwatch my sweet friend Reanne bought for me. I hold my bag tight these days because I don’t want them to render me bagless, phoneless and penniless! How much do I have??!!

I have lived in Ibadan all my life and she’s sane. Maybe dull and annoyingly quiet but sane! She also has street touts but not as bad as yours (except the Molete ones, which I will not get started on).

Dear Lagos, why are your commercial drivers always eager to rip passengers off and even throw them off the bus; they never stop for passengers to alight and are always in a never ending hurry! It’s not like passengers would finish off the roads or people would stop taking buses!

Also, why do some of your residents believe that because they’ve resided in you for so long they are automatically more street smart and more exposed than the rest of us who have lived outside you? That’s pure jonzing o! Because I’m more exposed than a lot of your supposed exposed children! And yes, more street smart than some of them!

But you know one thing about you Lagos? You’re beautiful; alluring during the day and breathtaking at night. Your transport system is brilliant unlike we IB peeps that have lots of “kabukabus” all over the place. The fusion of the mainland and the Island is great, you’re a great sight to behold. I have this feeling that if you were a girl, I’ll hate you.

But then that your traffic again, I shake my head at it. To think nothing causes most of it. Is it some kinda demon, dear? Should we just hold fasting and prayer for you and pray this traffic issue away?

Ehn ehn, let me ask for a favour jare before I drop this pen of mine. Please Lagos, can you make Ibadan your bff? Yeah, love her and teach her to “up” her game a little. She’s just too…er…way…way back. I love her that’s why I’m asking for this friendship. Don’t teach her bad things like traffic and mad bus drivers o! Just teach her to accommodate cinemas, shopping malls and more lucrative businesses. Teach her to have a more organised life and transportation system. Don’t worry, you can’t help her with “toutism” she’s way ahead of you on that one, her Molete touts are badass! If you need lessons, let me know in your reply. I’ll tell you how much you’ll pay and where the meeting would be.

I have to go now lagos. Ttyl.

Xoxo
Coco

Coco

Coco

I’m a totally simple, sweet, funny down to earth girl. Extremely fun and nothing of an introvert. I’m so much into writing, I don’t have enough space left in my heart to love something else. I’m addictive and you’re not likely to let go once you know me. Twitter handle, @tomilola_coco

15 comments

  1. Wahali, lagos traffic i§ sumfn else.. D tym it tks 2 get frm ikeja 2 vi i§ as good as travelln owt of lag.. Love d letter, hope she replies thou

  2. u’z a kwazi wryta. Quite scarce to fynd ur type. Nice wryt up ther! Can you drop ’em chronicles e’ry 2daiz? Eye’z kant wait 2 feast on em! Respect!

  3. u’z a kwazi wryta. Quite scarce to fynd ur type. Nice wryt up ther! Can you drop ’em chronicles e’ry 2daiz? Eye’z kant wait 2 feast on em! Respect!

  4. Dear Omo Ibadan,

    just learn to love me the way i am,cos i dont intend to change and no amount of fasting and prayer can change that.as for your ibadan touts,the’ve got nothing compared to my isale eko and oshodi touts abi what do you think………sincerely Miss Lagos.
    ok i give up,im not as good as you are.
    nice piece and made an intersting and entertaining read
    more grease…

  5. Babyluv, this is hotter than the usual, only that u didn’t mention the tax… the Tax,yes the TAx thing.The high tax rate is killoing the american job economy now. Pls do in her next letter. And of course; better power supply. I didn’t say it’s ok, just said ‘better’!

  6. ehn…jor o!!! We like our Ibadan just like that o! U want to bring Lagos’ crazy to us? Abeg, “sow wa ti swor ju”. U can go and be eating you “siken” in your Lagos. Leave our Ibadan like that..lol

  7. How could you not have noticed the filth and dirt in Lagos?
    It must be the dirtiest city around.
    Lagosians are a very dirty bunch.
    The filth is unbelievable.

  8. Have to burst your bubble, just have to.
    Dear omo Ibadan,
    Me, Lagos/Eko/Las Gidi am deeply offended. Beeni, offended. You dare complain, you and your Ibadan? You complained about my traffic…sweetheart, have you seen the traffic in Ojoo-Moniya so close to UI? It is legendary…trailer after lorry after trailer. And the crazy bus drivers who ply my roads have nothing on those yeye bus drivers in Ibadan who drive with their buses lopsided–two wheels on tarred road and the other two so close to the gutter, heedless of the prayers and shouts of befuddled Lagos transplants.
    Ibadan men are nasty. Jizoz, they can pee anywhere..they pull out their gross (super eww) kokoros anywhere. Yup, even in traffic, they get out, pull it out, and pee everyfreakingwhere. Ibadan without trash cans is just reason for these people to throw trash everydamnwhere.
    Also, my goodness, why does there have to be a mad man/woman every freaking 2 minutes? Crazy people littered on the streets…one grabs his crotch while standing in a towel (kinda reminds me of D’banj without the dreads). And the brown roofs…absolutely no respectable skyline to speak of.
    Having vented, I must admit that I appreciate the cheapness of things…that ten naira can still cover t-fare, that N100 bananas can feed the entire monkeys in the UI zoo, that I can haggle over the price of anything. Still, Las gidi forever! 🙂

  9. A friend sent me this link earlier today. You sure are a really good writer,keep it up..Best piece i’v seen so far.

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