Hi… I had to write this letter to you. Please I cannot afford to exchange pleasantries, just stop what you’re doing and read my letter please.
Why are u so crazy? Traffic, the never ending bustle! You have the highest number of street touts and wakabouts I have ever laid my cute eyes upon! Boys that’ll always call “fine girl” or “sister” when I pass by and always try to grab either my top or my jeans or the wristwatch my sweet friend Reanne bought for me. I hold my bag tight these days because I don’t want them to render me bagless, phoneless and penniless! How much do I have??!!
I have lived in Ibadan all my life and she’s sane. Maybe dull and annoyingly quiet but sane! She also has street touts but not as bad as yours (except the Molete ones, which I will not get started on).
Dear Lagos, why are your commercial drivers always eager to rip passengers off and even throw them off the bus; they never stop for passengers to alight and are always in a never ending hurry! It’s not like passengers would finish off the roads or people would stop taking buses!
Also, why do some of your residents believe that because they’ve resided in you for so long they are automatically more street smart and more exposed than the rest of us who have lived outside you? That’s pure jonzing o! Because I’m more exposed than a lot of your supposed exposed children! And yes, more street smart than some of them!
But you know one thing about you Lagos? You’re beautiful; alluring during the day and breathtaking at night. Your transport system is brilliant unlike we IB peeps that have lots of “kabukabus” all over the place. The fusion of the mainland and the Island is great, you’re a great sight to behold. I have this feeling that if you were a girl, I’ll hate you.
But then that your traffic again, I shake my head at it. To think nothing causes most of it. Is it some kinda demon, dear? Should we just hold fasting and prayer for you and pray this traffic issue away?
Ehn ehn, let me ask for a favour jare before I drop this pen of mine. Please Lagos, can you make Ibadan your bff? Yeah, love her and teach her to “up” her game a little. She’s just too…er…way…way back. I love her that’s why I’m asking for this friendship. Don’t teach her bad things like traffic and mad bus drivers o! Just teach her to accommodate cinemas, shopping malls and more lucrative businesses. Teach her to have a more organised life and transportation system. Don’t worry, you can’t help her with “toutism” she’s way ahead of you on that one, her Molete touts are badass! If you need lessons, let me know in your reply. I’ll tell you how much you’ll pay and where the meeting would be.
I have to go now lagos. Ttyl.