Memoirs Of A SLU…shhkid: Wk 60

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So, I just got off an Okada and it was a scary ride. It was scary not just because we were speeding but because the Okada man wanted us to discuss Boko Haram.

Let me put it this way, the Hausa Okada man wanted us to talk about Boko Haram. It all started with

Okada man: Oga, you know Gadaffi

Nobs: Yes

Okada man: you hear say him don enter Lagos?

Nobs: No. Really? When?

Okada man: Na yesterday night him enter. One person just talk for radio say him see am.

Nobs: Really?

Okada man: E fit be say na Boko Haram carry am enter.

Nobs: Ok

Okada man: Oga, you no know Boko Haram?

Nobs: No

Okada man: Dem dey cause problem for Abuja. People no dey even see road pass for night. Nobody dey waka for road because of them.

Nobs: Na wah

Okada man: Ahh Uga. You no know dem.

Nobs; At all ooo

Then we got to Mega Plaza and I got down.

Believe me, I would have loved to discuss Boko Haram but never with an Okada man.

Talking about okada men…

Last weekend I got a message from a friend telling me that his girlfriend of 2 weeks was leaving him because there was no AC in his car.

At first I thought I read the message wrongly because I was lying down but even when I read it while sitting, it said the same thing “Joy broke up with me because there’s no AC in my car”. Believe me, I didn’t know what to say to him.

I understand that Lagos sun can be mad but not as bad as calling off a relationship.

What ever happened to small beginnings?

I mean back in days, it was a thing of joy to say that we both started when he had nothing but look at us today.

Things are no longer the same and it seems most ladies are looking for readymade husbands.

Things used to be really different and now it seems a car is not even a complete car unless it comes with a cooling system.

I cannot sit in front of my computer and decide what should be your criteria for choosing your relationship but I also don’t think someone should break up a relationship because of the lack of an AC in a car.

I cannot speak for all men but no one really forgets those that were beside him during their little beginnings.

Sunday May 22,2011.

So there I was listening to a shaky Iti on the other end of the phone.

Iti: Nobs, are you there?

Nobs: yes.

Iti: please let me come and meet you guys.

Nobs: it’s okay. I will just send you my address through Zoba’s phone but it’s Lekki Phase 1.

Iti: you stay in Lekki phase 1?

Nobs: Mba, we came here to fetch water

Iti: I didn’t mean it that way.

Nobs: Chidi, I’ll send the address.

I know you expected me to be hard on Chidi but there was no need and if I was going to walk down the aisle with Zoba, there’s a need to be in good terms with her family. One wrong word from family can put your engagement ring in DHL.

It was obvious Chidi was not expecting an artiste to stay in Lekki Phase 1 because as far as he’s concerned, phase 1 should be a big deal for a Nigerian artiste.

We sent the address to him and went back to watching TV.

I was expecting something to happen because I’ve always believed that my dreams come true but Zoba was making no moves to suggest that she was about to go down on me.

I played with her hair but still nothing happened.

And I even tried talking dirty with her but she didn’t go down towards my boxers like in my dream.

But her next question threw me off balance.

Zoba: Buzor, will you wait for me to move back to Nigeria.

Nobs: I’ll be here

Zoba: I mean, do you think the distance will affect us.

Nobs: I don’t think it should as far as we both make an effort to keep it alive.

Zoba: Are you going to be there for me? Are you going to wait for me?

Nobs: You are only gone for a few months and it should be easy.

Zoba: Buzor, Ge nti. I know you are a dude and you have to do things men do but I need to ask you for a favour. Please think about me before you do anything and make sure stories don’t get back to me.

Nobs: I’ve heard you and I wasn’t even planning on doing anything behind you.

Zoba: Please don’t say what you don’t mean. I have brothers and I know what they get up to in the absence of their girlfriends. I don’t expect you to be less of a man but please don’t lie or change your name just because you want sex.

Nobs: So this is about last night and Chidi?

Zoba: Buzor, believe me, it has nothing to do with last night. I just realised that I’ll be travelling soon and may be away for about 3 months.

Nobs: I can keep myself for you.

Zoba: Nna. I know but I’ve seen men claim to be single just because they want sex and I have also seen married men deny their wives and family just because of sex.

Nobs: And why are we talking about me having sex now?

Zoba: Nna, we are not but I just thought we should talk about it. I would not want you to be sleeping with random girls in my absence.

Nobs: I don’t plan to

Zoba: Now, that’s reassuring.

Nobs: Nne, I will miss you

Zoba: I’m still here, so there’s no need for the missing conversation.

We played some more beneath the sheets but my dream didn’t come true.


The knock on the door woke us up and Obinna informed me that a certain Chidi was waiting for me in the living room.

On getting to the living room, Chidi was sitting down going through a GQ magazine.

Iti: Thanks for letting me come to your house, Noble.

Nobs: It’s fine. How’s Vanessa?

Iti: She’s not talking to me and she’s moved to her friend’s.

Nobs: Wow

Zoba: Have you tried reaching her?

Iti: She won’t take my calls

Zoba: Hmmm. What do we do now?

Iti: I came to pick you so that we can drive to her friend’s place. I want you to try talking to her for me.

Zoba: How far is the place?

Iti: Ikeja.

Zoba: Nobs, what do you think?

Nobs: It’s fine. I really wish I could help somehow.

Iti: It’s okay. We will sort it out somehow.

I couldn’t believe I was looking at the same Iti. He was obviously scared of losing her. I know that feeling and I could relate with him at that point. Some women are for keeps.

Zoba went into the room, changed and came out to meet Iti.

I walked them downstairs, Zoba kissed me in front of Iti and he said nothing.

He promised to bring her back to mine later.

I went back upstairs, pulled out my laptop to write when the message came in.

Biola: I’m at your gate. I brought back your T-shirt. Can I come up?

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!


  1. Lmao! Someone broke up with her boyfriend cos there was no AC in his car? That’s gangsta! Why evils? Meanwoos, why such a short story? And Nobs is that u talking about ‘keeping urself’? What a laugh! Nice read. And pleeeeaaaasssseeeeeee tell me the message that came in wasn’t from Biola. Can’t wait for next week!

  2. Eyah for Iti. Nobs support him now o cos it may be your turn when Zoba returns from her travel.
    And that no AC in car girl probably didn’t just like the guy cos that’s a Lame excuse.

  3. ROFLMAO @ One wrong word from family can put your engagement ring in DHL.Nobs,i know i don’t know you and my opinion might not matter,but please make this thing work with Zoba,she’s just perfect for you.

  4. ge nti-listen very well. Ds biola story is abt 2 become emmy award winning. Methinks zoba is d ish,but with women,u never know. Lmao @ dumpn cos of no a.c. Dont even want 2 go there.

  5. Hian!!!!! Uwa di egwu. Leaving a dude cos of A.C kwa? I pity Iti sha. Biko jide Zoba o. O ha ka nwanyi isi ya di there. But bia, Nobs, akuko ta di obere. Biko na gba anyi okpa n’eze di long. & this Biola, what’s her problem na? Ihere onaghi eme ya, or ochori kwo na owu ihunanya na eme ya?

  6. Lmao!! @ dikkybutt dts true oh looool. and yea d gurl prolly doesnt like the guy, the ac thingy was just an excuse and a very lame one tho

  7. NOBS..biko..ejoohh…leav her to forget u..ah aahhhnn..zoba is the girl 4 u..eheen and this pamela ur always lovin on twitter i hope its zoba ooo..

  8. lmcao @ ‘we went dr to fetch water’
    Bia Nobs, better decide what u want to do with B before Zoba leaves u cos ”ur sofa doesnt have the right throw pillows”

  9. Biola doesn’t get enough of throwing spanner in the works.I know it’s difficult to let go,especially if the person is as special as Noble Igwe.

    You were quite cool with Iti tho,you shoulds given him a taste of his own dogoyaro, *hiss*.

    Kudos to you Nobs,Memoirs came earlier than I expected. Thanks for giving me a good laugh,I patiently await the next episode. 🙂

  10. Dear Nobs,

    I always read your memoirs cos I enjoy your stories and I love the way you pen it. I can see you have something good going with Zoba, please can you work to make this one work?

  11. This guy is a fool, going to beg a girl that broke up with him because his car ain’t got an AC. Geez he should be thankful, that her materialistic nature surfaced now and not later.

  12. TELL BIOLA TO GERROUT JOR….and its soo true about the lagos sun..its not that hot compARED TO SOME PLACES AND NO GIRL SHULD BREAK UP WITH A guy cuz of AC.

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