Memoirs Of A SLU…shhkid: Wk 59

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I know most of you are already tired of my excuses and the late posting. I also noticed that no matter how much I apologise, I still get people insulting my Igwe kingdom in the comment box.

I hate posting late and yes, each time I fail to post, I hate myself for that.

Dear All,

I got busy with work trying to make as much money considering the fact that December is almost here and where I come from, December is a very serious month.

Yes, in Umuomaku, December is a very serious month ooo and you cannot carry last.

It does not matter what you did in the middle of the year; in most cases, your performance is discussed during Christmas and if you reside in Lagos, a lot is expected of you.

The persistent money chasing started about two weeks ago after I received a BBM Broadcast that read

“1 Brazilian hair = 68 Bags of Cement

  1 Blackberry Torch = 24 Roofing sheets

   Please let your boyfriend be a landlord”

That message got me thinking. “What if I had spent an amount big enough to complete a house on Arabanko?” “What report card will I show at my age grade meeting during Christmas?”

Christmas parent-son discussions are very different from mid year discussions too. At Christmas you hear stuff like “Bia, Chibuzor. Ima Goddy? Mama Njide’s last child. He started building his house at Okpobe and he is now doing decking” and no the discussions come before they answer your greetings.

Anyways, I’ve decided to work hard and push for something big to happen in my life so that my report card will look great.

However, if the above broadcast is accurate, then, are you saying that those “squatting” with friends in Lagos while going about carrying long human hair could have been Landladies?

Mbanu, Ladies please help your boyfriends to become landlords. There was no time that we said we didn’t like Yaki. We love(d) Yaki and it makes you look even better. I’m Teamyaki (Not because I cannot afford Human hair and all that but……

Another thing that kept me busy is 360noBS involvement in WAJE’s forth-coming album which should drop pretty soon. Oye who handles it won’t let my phones’ batteries rest (he is a slave driver!) The album is awesome and promises to give you goose pimples, make you party, see you through that messy break-up, make you fall in love (and make love) and bring emotions you never thought you had.

She’s been nominated with “So Inspired” in the following category “Most Gifted Female Video” at the 2011 Channel O awards. To vote, please sms 2A to +27839208406 

Saturday May 21.

…I laughed out loud

Maybe I was not supposed to laugh that hard but the look on Iti’s face was priceless.

He was trying to give her a sign by winking but that was another huge mistake because she went

Lady: What’s wrong with your eyes, Jude? * She turns to us. Hey, Good Evening! I hope I’m not interrupting *

Vanessa:  Yes, you are!

Lady: Oh, I’m so sorry. Jude, I will see you in Abuja.

The girl walked back to her table with the blood on Vanessa’s face.

Iti: Baby, it’s not what you think. I can explain.

Vanessa: I’m really disappointed. I feel very insulted and why would you change your name just because of p****y ?

Iti: It’s not what you think.

Vanessa: Chidi, just stop it. You are not the only one f***king girls in Abuja but come on; pick something worth it and up to standard.

Iti: It’s not what you think, Vanessa.

Vanessa: Zoba, I’m so sorry the night turned out this way but I really have to go now.

Iti: Chi, please excuse me, I have to take Vanessa home. I will call you.

Vanessa: you are doing no such thing as dropping me off. I will get a cab.

Zoba: Vanessa, Nobs & I can drop you off.

Vanessa: I will be fine. I will just get a taxi downstairs.

Iti: Vanessa, please let me drive you home.

Vanessa: Don’t expect me home tonight.

Okay even though I hated Chidi but at that point I thought that Vanessa was over reacting. The lady only covered Chidi’s eyes and called him Jude. It was not like she said “Oh I enjoyed sex with you and want some more” but then maybe that wasn’t the first time.

But Iti messed up. He gave up without a fight and kept saying “It’s not what you think” Who says that? Maybe Nollywood actors sha

I looked at Chidi and it was obvious that he wasn’t ready to lose her.

Vanessa walked out and Iti followed her.

We stayed back, ordered a bottle of Vodka, Pineapple Juice and chicken wings. The incident spoilt the night and even though we tried to push it aside we couldn’t stop talking about how the girl on the next table messed up our evening.

We drank until Zoba complained about her vision turning double and we had to start heading back to her hotel.

On getting to her room, she asked me not to go home.

Then she did something that surprised me,

She took off her pants and then her T-shirt .

Gawd. It’s one thing to imagine how beautiful someone’s body will look and it’s another to actually see it.

The bra caged the well-shaped boobs in such a way that you need to look closely to locate the space between the two boobs.

I moved my eyes down and saw her pink panties and that caused a movement in my boxers.

I felt it was wrong because I was not supposed to think about Zoba in that way and I didn’t want to spoil things or rush thing because we were a little tipsy from the vodka.

She dragged me to bed, took off my shirt and then went down to take off my jeans. I was scared that she would notice my erection and get mad but instead she teased me.

Zoba: I only took off your pants and you are this aroused. Na wah

Nobs: I think it’s the alcohol.

Zoba: Ofozie

She placed her head on my chest and within minutes, slept off.

I cannot remember how it started but I found my head moving towards her hips and she was not stopping me. I used my tongue to trace a line from her belly button to the top of her panties. I moved my head down the front of her panties and towards her thighs but instead of stopping my head; she parted her legs letting my head rest on the V shaped region of her panties.

I looked up from there and couldn’t see her entire face as she had her face tilted backwards with her mouth slightly open.

I moved my head back to her chest and moved one hand behind her; it took me less that one minute to unhook the bra. I took it off with my right hand and she pushed down my head yet again without saying a word.

I obeyed, moved down, put my teeth from the top and with care took off the pink panties…

I called out to her

Nobs: Zoba, how do you want it?

She didn’t say anything

So I called her out again

Nobs: Zoba, how do you want it?

Zoba: Baby, is everything okay?

And that was when I woke up and I was so ashamed of myself. I was mad at me because I didn’t try to stop myself from trying to have sex. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to rush anything with Zoba but in the dream, I didn’t stop, didn’t even try.

Sunday, May 22,2011


Zoba woke me to get ready for church and that was something new to me. I’m not saying that I don’t go to church but it has been a long time since I went, so it was surprising to me that she was asking to make plans for 8am mass.

Nobs: I may need to go home first to change.

Zoba: Ok. Then come and get me.

When I got home to change into something church worthy, Chaa was surprised to see me preparing for church.

Chaa: Nobs, is everything okay?

Nobs: I don’t understand. Did I complain about anything to you?

Chaa: You came back from overnight prostitution and you are dressing up to leave the house again.

Nobs: I will put you in prayers

Chaa: Ina eje uka?

Nobs: Yes, why?

Chaa: Fa n’eke nri?

Nobs: Chiso, I really don’t have time for this now. We’ll talk when I get home from church.

Chaa: I know it must be Chizoba that is forcing you to go to church. The church should make her a knight for winning such a soul.

Trust me, sometimes I wish I could develop a timetable detailing the days and times i’m supposed to talk with Chaa. I don’t like the idea that she thinks that she can talk to me anytime, anywhere and anyhow.

I knew it was the devil that was using her, so I said a small prayer in my heart and left the house.


Church was awesome and I was glad that I attended. I didn’t want to tell Zoba that it was my first time since December 31, 2010.

On the way home, I asked her what she would like to have for lunch

Zoba: What are you offering?

Nobs: Nne, you know I can’t cook to save my life if not I would have prepared a very delicious pot of nsala soup for you.

Zoba: But Nna, mana ima esi rice and stew?

Nobs: No

Zoba: Ngwa, Nna, let’s go to the market and get food stuff. I will teach you to cook the Nsala today.

So we got to New Market at Oniru but they didn’t have some of the things that we needed for making Nsala soup. We then drove to some Sura market (Hope that’s what it is called) and there we got the things we needed.

I was praying for Chaa not to be at home and God answered.

Zoba took off her dress and changed into one of my t -shirts. I brought out pots and placed the foodstuff on the slab by the sink.

Chaa walked in while I was washing the “uziza” and shouted

Chaa: Jesus, it has happened!

Nobs: Why are you shouting, Aunty?

Chaa: So I didn’t make it?

Nobs: Make what?

Chaa: Obinna! Obinna!!

Nobs: Chiso, you are disturbing me

Chaa: The world ended and I am still here. Chibuzor, you are cooking. This must be the end of the world.

Zoba; Ah ah na. Chisom, let’s make him comfortable.

Chaa: Nne, I’m sorry but I will not eat that food. Let me go and buy biscuit now.

Zoba: Nne, we will keep yours.

I was ashamed and it was not like Chaa has tried to teach me how to cook and I refused and there she was making it look like I was trying to learn how to cook just because I wanted to impress Chizoba. I wasn’t cooking because I wanted to impress Zoba, I was trying to cook because Zoba was ready to teach me, something none of my exes bothered to do.

And then the lesson began:

Zoba: Nna, Put your chicken on fire, with cubes of knorr, salt to taste, onions and pepper.
“Cover pot and allow chicken to boil.

When chicken is almost cooked,
Put in crayfish, dry fish and pepper.
Then let it boil for some time.
Thicken soup with corn flour
Replace lid.
Blend or cut your uziza leaf, and put it in the pot.
Let it cook for another 10-15mins
Taste for salt, knorr etc, if satisfied, turn cooker off and leave the lid slightly open.”

I followed the instructions and she assisted me with timing.  I could not believe I was the one making soup. I put Chaa to shame and she ended up eating but not before calling my mum to tell her that if anything happened to her, that I should be held responsible for feeding her with badly prepared soup.

Teaching me how to cook was a plus on Zoba’s side and it made me start thinking that maybe she’s truly the one for me.


We climbed into bed with Zoba still in my t-shirt and her head resting on my chest. She requested for Africa Magic and somehow I didn’t mind watching with her because she made Africa Magic seem different.

Her phone woke us up

Zoba: Hello Chidi,

Zoba: Yes. I’m at Noble’s.

Zoba: Okay. Here he is. Talk to him

She handed the phone to me

Iti: Hey Noble, It’s Chidi. I really need to see Zoba. Please send me your address.

You can never guess what I said to him…

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!


  1. Lmao @ timetable for talking to Chaa. Younger ones can act like the devil’s cousins walahi. And Nobs thanks for this free Nsala recipe. And u just had to wake up from that delicious dream eh?! Nice write up. Worth the wait.

  2. Wow d gr8 Nobs making a meal. I laffed so hard @ chaa thinking dat d world had ended, ur sis is more sarcastic than u lol.ooooooh more suspense, poor Iti.

  3. Nice one bro! D Brazilian hair nd blackberry torch got me thinking too! Good girls r hard to find any longer so hold on tight to zoba! Ciao

  4. Ofozie: remaining? Ina eje uka?- R u going to church
    Nobs: Yes, why?
    Chaa: Fa n’eke nri?- R they sharing food?
    Zoba: But Nna, mana
    ima esi rice and stew?- boy,u can cook rice and stew?
    Nobs: No
    Zoba: Ngwa, Nna- Oya, boy.

  5. dis got me laffing all thru LMAO!!!!!! @Chaa is freakin hilarious.Nne, I’m sorry but I will not eat that food. Let me go and buy biscuit now..but u r late, wonda wen d nx episode is gon’ drop :(….nyc one nobs

  6. Errrmmmm,Zoba seems too good to b true….i av a feeling something ‘ll soon go wrong.But if dis is her true self she’s bringing to d table,then put a ring on it
    Meanwhile I love Chaa,she’s doing d exact thing I wld av done to u if I was ur sis….Nice one!

      1. Dear Both,
        I went to church on Easter Sunday ,That is not going to Church na.
        I was home and they made me go
        Should i also count my sister’s wedding as going to church too?
        The truth is ,I’m ashamed to say that i do not go to church as much as I should.
        It was Olams and NOT Chaa’s boyfriend.

  7. Eheheheehe@ Fa n’eke nri? Pls try and go to church more. These titled comedians should come to you for some lessons. I hope you didn’t give Iti mpataka a wrong address. Lol

  8. That bbm b/cast was on point,LWKMD.Btw, hope ur escapades wit Zoba is part of the assessment ur Report Card’ll show in Dec o..kudos Nobs!

  9. Read like 5 times…. I love chaaaa she’s very funny. She got me @ dat “world ending” part was confused myself lol! Nobs pls propose to Zoba & Zoba pls marry him biko wet dreams adiro mma o!

  10. Nice one again. Love that conversion of Brazilian hair and BB Torch. Never tot in dat direction. And boy, what a dream. Chaa has my vote for witty sarcasm. But the Slush kid still comes Kudos.

  11. Bla bla bla! Zoba sounds like a stepford wife, puhleeeeze!even if na battery dey work d girl sef abegi!and what’s with d plenty fake ibo? We don’t hear all this nne and nna tins when u’re speaking in real life oh! Tone it down a bit so we can know d diff btwn ada d village girl and zoba d oyinbo girl. Btw, I loooooove cha.

  12. I love chaa coz she reminds me of me n wat i can say.
    Meanwhile wen boys were sending d brazillian hair BC, girls wrote d reply which i will share. Boys help your GF 2 be a landlady or better still, help yourselves to be a landlord 2, save the money for moet, henny, JD, crystal etc

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