Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid : Wk 63

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Twitter is funny. I know this is NOT about Twitter but then Twitter is very funny. Everybody tweeting and supporting the popular topics. Have you noticed that everybody is supporting one football team, one Formula One team/person, one basket ball team, has something to say about London fashion week, New York fashion week, US Open etc.

It is considered “uncool” to ask questions or not to be tweeting about events happening in other parts of the world. Here’s the truth, you don’t need to know anything about these events, people or activities, all you need is Google and BIS. People find it difficult to ask questions and learn.

Talking about Twitter, a few days ago, a fight broke out between two friends people and in the process of the fight, one accused the other of patriotism. She said that she has slept with about 30 State governors in Nigeria. While I do not believe this, here’s what I think. If there’s someone out there with such an achievement, then we should consider a national honour for such a person with something in the neighbourhood of OFR, MFR or Helper Federal Republic.

Imakwa n’ ukwu wu ego? On a more serious note, why are ladies always eager to let out secrets during a fight? People throw away all the good parts of friendship and cause lifetime pain just to win a fight? Friends share all sorts of secrets and things. People open up to friends with no idea of what the future holds but I also don’t think a fight is big enough to make you give away those things someone secretly shared with you.

Biko, Did you know that on the 1st of October 2011, we are holding it down at Deuces for Music and Chykay. Performances by Chykay, Beazy, Zara, Pope, Witness, Wizboy, Dammy Krane & LOS Boys.There’s no gate fee

 

Dear All,

In the future when and if I decide to run for president, please do not bring up Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid. I shared my life with you because we agreed to keep it here. I’ve thought about something and may just have to do it. Maybe I should stop writing from so far back, I mean, we’re almost in October and I’m still talking about what happened in May. How about we forget all that and I start again from say…last weekend? Please let me know what you think and we’ll go on from there.

 

Sunday May 22,

I stood by the door and for a minute, I thought I was missing one ball. I looked at Chaa and she pretended like she didn’t know what she said. I went to sit beside Zoba and she locked hands with mine.

Iti: Nobs, thank you for letting Zoba go with me.

Nobs: Nah. It’s nothing jor. You are family and we’ll support family in every possible way.

Iti: Maybe we should all get a drink.

Chaa: Yay! I’ll walk Biola to her car and then I’ll change

Nobs: Biola didn’t say she was leaving and I think she’s free to join us for a drink or two.

Biola: I should actually be on my way. Chisom, will you walk me to my car?

Chaa: With all pleasure

Biola: So Nobs you won’t even walk me

Chaa: But I just nominated myself or am I not good enough? N’ekwa nkapi

Zoba: Nobs, walk your visitor. Be a gentle man.

Chaa: Biko ndi gentleman.  Biko, Biola safe

Biola: Thank you, Chisom

I prayed and hoped that Biola didn’t hear Chisom refer to her as “Nkapi”.

On a very serious note, I’m beginning to think that Chaa is not really my sister. We are good people in my family and we don’t say nasty things to people. Maybe Chaa was adopted. We got to Biola’s car and her first question threw me off balance.

Biola: Why did Chidi behave like we’ve not met?

Nobs: He did? I thought that you lot had said your “hellos” before I walked in.

Biola: He only said Hi and that was it.

Nobs: Maybe he didn’t remember and secondly he’s been through a lot.

Biola: Anyways, when is Zoba leaving?

Nobs: I don’t know yet .Why?

Biola: Nothing. I want to know if it’s okay to bring you fruits this weekend. I don’t like this pimple on your face. I think you need a lot of fruits.

Nobs: She’s still around tho but I can’t say what her reaction will be.

Biola: Haba Nobs, it’s just a friendly gesture.

Nobs: Thanks Biola. You are really a good friend.

Biola: Thanks Nobs. I know I have not been so good to you but if you give me time, I will right all my wrongs. A friend of mine once joked that we both look good together.

Nobs: I guess we do

Biola: Come and kiss me good-bye jo

Nobs: Bee, friends don’t kiss na. We agreed to start off as friends abi?

Biola: But we’ve kissed before and it does not really matter to us. It’s supposed to be a friendly kiss. Anyway, I will not push it.

At that point, it felt like I was being too hard on her and should have been a lil chill but I also knew what I was going to lose.

Nobs: Bee, I’ll going up now

Biola: I will miss you. Let me know if you need anything.

Biola’s last words reminded me of Slim. Slim was very good to me but I also knew that one thing or the other day came between us, whether her books or even this memoirs. Slim was always there for me and we used to have these late night conversations. Thanks to MTN xtra cool for cool people.

I decided to call Slim

Slim: Mr Igwe, what is the occasion?

Nobs: We are drifting apart.

Slim: Iwo lo mo

Nobs: That’s not a nice thing to say to a friend.

Slim: Chibuzor, what do you want ?

Nobs: How’s your mum?

Slim: She’s fine and I told her we are no longer friends

Nobs: Why would you do that?

Slim: You are now a big boy and I have lost my friend.

Nobs: Shut up. You didn’t lose anybody.

Slim: What do you want ooooo?

Nobs: Where are you?

Slim: Festac and I know you won’t come.

Nobs: That’s not a good thing.

The thing is this. I have not been totally fair to Slim. I ‘ve not gone to visit her at home. I even promised her mum that I was coming but never got round to it .

Slim: Nobs, I’ve missed you.

Nobs: I’ve missed you too. Maybe we should see a movie.

Slim: Go jor , you know movies & I don’t gel.

Slim hates going to the Cinema. The first time we went to see a movie together, she wore her cute glasses and locked her hands with mine. We looked like a couple but we were just two friends on a movie date.

I have something for people that wear glasses. I have always imagined that my wife would have cute glasses that she would have to take off when kissing gets intense. You know like take it off and place them by the side table before we make love. Then sometimes, she would need to put them on to read our kids to sleep before joining me in the master bedroom.

Nobs: Maybe a drink

Slim: Okay, come tomorrow let me buy Ghana high for lunch.

Nobs: Deal

Slim: Cool but you’ve not still told me why you called me this evening.

Nobs: You crossed my mind and I decided to call. Good thing is that we are hooking up tomorrow.

Slim: I’m excited.

Nobs: Me too

Slim: Maybe we should get some drinks too

Nobs: Not again.

Slim: Just few glasses.

Nobs: Okay but we’ll have lunch first

I rejected Slim’s drink offer because of something that happened in the past. We went out one night and she said that she was going to get me drunk. We started off with a bottle of Champagne and then Slim started asking the waiters for different cocktails and at some point I stopped feeling my legs.

Slim took me home and I asked her to help me with a glass of water from the fridge. I closed my eyes to wait for the water and the next time I opened them, it was 10am Saturday. I went back upstairs and met Iti alone in the living room.

Nobs: So how did it go?

Iti: She spoke to me because of Zoba but she also said that I have one week to sort out my life as it regards her.

Nobs: I don’t understand.

Iti: She said I should go and end whatever it is that I have with other women or we can end it today if I agree to let her go to work with my phone tomorrow.

My heart skipped a beat.

Hand over your phone for a whole day?

Well, I can do it.

Nobs: So what have you decided to do?

Iti: I took the one week to clean out my phone and come back cleaner option.

Nobs: Really? That’s huge.

Iti: Well, I plan to buy another line and Blackberry which I’ll be leaving at the office. There are people I wouldn’t want to just cut off like that.

Nobs: I know what you mean.

Iti:  Are you ready for the drink? I need alcohol in my system, nna.

Nobs: Let me get Zoba.

On entering the room, Zoba was lying in bed, gisting with Chisom.

Chaa: We even thought you went home with her.

Nobs: I’ve been in the living room with Chidi, ewu

Zoba: She was very relaxed like she wasn’t planning on going.

Nobs: She was in the estate and decided to drop by and say hi

Chaa: Anyi ana aka Uka mgbede ?

Zoba: Chisom,you are not serious

Nobs: Chaa, you know am not disrespectful to your friends.

Chaa: Me too but nwa ofe mmanu aburo ya.

Nobs: She’s my friend

Zoba: I don’t have a problem with her as long as there’s nothing more to it. Also, she needs to start dressing like a lady and not something to be used for sacrifice.

Nobs: I will tell her. Are we no longer going out?

Zoba: We are. Chisom, oya, let’s go.

Chaa: Nobs is not happy with me.

Zoba: He is. Bia, buzor, we need to talk about something.

Chaa: Is that a cue for me to leave the room?

Zoba: Mba. Buzor, I want to use your phone tonight and throughout tomorrow.

Chaa : I need to pee

 

 

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

47 comments

  1. Damn!!! Use your phone for the night till the next day?! Oh mehn,Nobs is in soup! Nice read man and i really think Zoba is the woman for you,but then again i’m not God.By the way,if you ever decide to run for president,then consider me your opposition.No beef bro!!!

  2. I started reading ur blogs yesterday and kept praying for the next memoir….
    Chaa my love…she always has sumthing to say…
    Ur fone ke? 2days….Nobs u’re in trouble o! wt will u do now…
    Can’t wait for the next memoir…

  3. Ur always in trouble. plus I don’t like the way u leave us in suspense for so long.
    The glasses part….interesting. *dusting off my long abandoned glasses*. maybe there’s someone out there (not you) that also likes girls in glasses.

  4. ROTFLMAO…..Nna Men, Nobs….ur own don reach you today…Biko, is it me or you really dont knwo your numbers again…I can’t find week 62, yet this is 63. I couldnt find 59 either, yet the stories seem continuous..And ehn… I know this will be stretching it,considering that it take several days on the mountain top to get you to post memoirs, but I was wondering if there could be some translation of us non-igbo audience, biko.
    Me I think you should keep writing from far back. Maybe hasten it up a little bit.

    As for Chaa, I need me some Chaa in my life right now to give me some laughter.
    And as for you, Nobs, I think I gotta pee too

  5. @ ALL,

    God bless you all.
    I hate that I post late but I promise to improve .
    I have not met most of you but if feels good knowing that some of you come here everyday to support.
    God will bless you
    God will always protect you and yours.
    Thank you for the kind words.

  6. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, chaa is just so cheeky, she just reminds me of myself. ngwa nobs hand ova your phone ntoo hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  7. @Nobs…..I don’t come here alone I also go as far as threatening u on twitter whenever u delay d memoirs.
    Dude no more excuses abeg cause most times I havve to go back searching for d previous post to remember where we stopped.

  8. Chai,awusa abatala Awka! Chaa is a star ooo. If you want to start from the present, you can compress the events of the past months into a post or two and then,the present can take off.

    Memoirs is the ish any time any day. Let’s wait and see how you worked your way out of the phone dilemma. You’re a cat with nine lives,I know you’d wiggle out.Hehehehe

  9. hahahaha!!!!! i think u shld just summerise jawe, and start from the present. this may it too backword jor. just do one post to summerise, then d next shld be from the present… this sure made me laugh.

  10. I think you can start with last week but then you’d have to give us a summary;whatever happened with Biola and if u’re stil dating Zoba.
    P.S-I love chaa! I think she’s my long lost sis.LOL

  11. Lmfaooooooooooooooo…NobZ o, nka bu ezibote 1 chance…plix run to MTN nd get anoda line…
    I love chaa, I think her sarcasm is amazinng and Noble u guyz are good ppl wth STRONG mouth tins…lolz

  12. ROTFL!!! …..make sure you die immediately you hand over your phone….thats the only way.i love chaaa…..she always has the right words for you….iti now behaves himself…..i’ll mail biola a chair to sit on,she no dey tire?nice one nobs…pls post early next week.(the non-ibos need translations)

  13. zoba i just fall in luv wit u d instant u said dat,nobs there is no other way to treat ur fuck-up than dis……And ur days of play boying is getting over so fasten ur sit belt b’cos u’re sitting on d longest thing.lolZzzzzZ

  14. N’ekwa nkapi-see this child of a very smelly animal
    ewu-goat
    Anyi ana aka Uka mgbede ?-are we condicting evening mass?
    nwa ofe mmanu aburo ya-yoruba girl no be am

  15. Biko Chisom I need to meet you. She is so silly. I snorted and felt bad at her calling our dear sister Nkapi (:-p). Biola ma sef should take a row of seats. Women,over sabi friendliness will get you in his bed but it can not push his heart’s desire away.

    Nna, this phone situation get as e be. Can’t wait to read what happened. I might be behind but I hope you and Chizzy(see me forming familiarity) are still together. The babe is either very level headed (better her than me) or plain faking it.

  16. Lmao @ anyi ana ka uka mgbede? Chaa dey give u ur size. As for hurrying up to d present, post one memoir for each month dat needs speeding up. God bless u Nobs, i listened in towards d end of the show wen u came on cool fm last friday or thereabouts. Ur the Igbo’s pride.

  17. Gosh i can believe i just scanned thru this! you re losing ur mojo or some africa majic producer now pays u to write……all this biola appears like willie wille, zoba is tom chasing jerry and ur sis now has chris rocks’ power…… I am sorry but i find it getting boring and boring everyday. I know its not easy writing every week for people to read especially when u r suffering from writers’ block…..abeg dont kill ur readership oh! all these africa magic on the web aint doing it for moi!

  18. Nobs U’ve created a character here that every one will be looking forward to read her dialogue and that is Chisom.Just keep doin wt uare doing u no go kill me.

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