No BS: And The friend Replies…

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Dear future wife,

I don’t know if you are out here or reading this right now! If you are, please print this letter and bring it to our wedding reception. It will make a good read before our guests.

They say behind every successful man is a woman. I’ll like to say that behind every successful man is a good woman because I’ve seen men that have shut down their businesses because they got involved with the wrong woman. I want to be successful and I need to find you right now more than ever.

You may not know how much I need you but I come home every night with stories that I would love to share with someone special. I come home late from clubs sometimes wishing you’d be in bed waiting for me to hug your warm body. Your slot in my life is so empty it hurts because I know you are out there without me.

I’ve often imagined how you look. Are you dark or fair in complexion? Are you Igbo, Yoruba or Hausa? I play around with different images in my head but one thing stands out, I know you are very curvy.

Mum can’t wait to meet you and believe me, sometime ago she wanted to hook me up with a certain Ada from my village but that didn’t work. Since we are taking about mum, I’ve always prayed for a marriage where mum and my wife would be best friends. I’ll do everything possible to make sure that mum treats you like her daughter. This I promise you.

I still don’t know why I’m writing you but I guess I was motivated by Waje’s new song “Falling” especially the part that says “If you are ever planning on showing up, now would be perfect, now would be good”. I totally agree with her that now would be perfect. I‘ve waited for long and I need to start loving you on time.

I’ve booked my tattoo date because I promise to tattoo your name on my back the day I’ll propose to you. I’m not scared of having your name on my back because when I see you, I’ll know and I promise never to leave you.

No matter where we are, we must speak to each other every day at noon and have lunch once every week when we are in the same city.

I’ll tattoo your initials on my “wedding ring” finger as a constant reminder to all that I belong to you totally and in whole. I’ve gone as far as selecting some of our special songs.

On our wedding day, when you walk into the church, we’ll have Waje signing,  “Here comes the bride” and just after the exchange of vows, Waje will do an accappela of “One Naira”.

[audio:https://www.360nobs.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/MI-ft-Waje-One-Naira.mp3|titles=MI ft Waje – One Naira]

We’ll walk into the reception with Lami performing “Know

[audio:https://www.360nobs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Lami-ft-MI-Know.mp3|titles=Lami ft MI – Know]

Our first dance together as husband and wife should be Banky W’s Till my dying day

[audio:https://www.360nobs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Till-my-dying-days.mp3|titles=Till my dying days]

followed by Darey‘s “With this woman

[audio:https://www.360nobs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/10-With-this-Woman.mp3|titles=10 With this Woman]

then MI’s God Bless You

[audio:https://www.360nobs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/MI-God-Bless-You.mp3]

and we’ll round our dance up with Wande Coal’s Ololufe”.

[audio:https://www.360nobs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/14-Ololufe.mp3|titles=14 Ololufe]

I know I’m making all these plans without considering you but I’ll be willing to change all or accept any modifications from you even though I pray you love them too.

Is it okay if I tell you certain things about me? I can’t have my bath with cold water. I hate hot tea. I’m not particular about food; I can eat Indomie, fried egg and plantain, 3 times a day for one month without complaining. I watch loads of movies and would totally be glad if you enjoy same.

Nkem, I don’t know what you don’t like but I’m totally against hairnet and wrapper. I can’t stand both either in the kitchen or in the bedroom. We’ll invest in hair wraps. I would have said that the maximum cloth size you are allowed to get to is 10 but that may sound superficial to other people reading this, so I’ll just leave that for us to discuss one on one.

I’m Igbo and we take care of our wives. I’ll work hard to make sure you don’t go hungry for one day till your dying day. I’ll let you decide the number of kids we’ll have but I don’t think 3 kids will be bad and together we can make a happy family of five.

It’s 08:00pm Thursday April 14th, 2011 and I know you are somewhere out there and it does not matter if you are in another man’s arms, when I do meet you, I promise never to let you go. I promise to take care of you, provide you with all the reasonable good things of life that money can buy. If you are reading this, please give me a sign. Walk up to me on the street and plant a hot kiss on my lips as a sign.

I look forward to the day I’ll meet you and when I meet you it does not matter where we’ve been to or who we’ve been with, we will give each other clean slates to start life afresh together as one.

Someday I’ll go on my right knee with All 4 One‘s I Swear” playing in the background and I’ll ask you to marry me.

[audio:https://www.360nobs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/i-swear.mp3|titles=i swear]

When we wake up in the morning, we’ll have Az Yet’s “Last Night” on repeat while we have breakfast.

[audio:https://www.360nobs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Az-Yet-Last-Night.mp3]

I’ll write you from time to time to express how much you mean to me.

Love, hugs and tiny wet kisses,

Your future husband,

Nobs aka Stubborn Biafran soldier

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Dear Future Husband,

I am writing this with the smallest glimmer of hope that somehow this would catch your attention amidst the thousand responses you are sure to get. I loved the letter you wrote to me a while back although i must confess my hopes were dashed. You see, i am a size 8 without a 36D bust size. 🙁

I watch you from the background and i laugh at all your silly jokes, you make igbo seem so sexy and i can hardly wait to learn. I understand how mama wants to see you settle down and i can’t wait to meet her. I am sure i would love her and be a daughter to her.
I miss you everyday we are apart and can hardly wait until we meet and start the rest of our lives together.

My mom says when i fall in love i wear my heart on my sleeves and so i am usually quite cautious. For some reason, i am almost certain i won’t be scared to fall around you. For some reason everytime i picture you as a knight in shinning armour you are always holding the helmet (maybe it’s because your head wont fit in) lol.

I envisage the first time we meet; your late so i dash into the ladies to calm my nerves, when i get back your seated beside some other lady trying to woo her.lol. I figure we would spend the whole evening laughing about it.

I love the beach, its my best place in the world for some reason my senses are heightened whenever i am there. Music solves everything for me, it’s the arms that draw me closer when your not there, it’s my friend and hiding place when everyone in the world acts crazy.

Three kids is perfect as long as you ensure we have twins on the first try. I promise never to wear a hairnet, if you promise to teach me igbo.

I love the songs you came up with for our wedding but pretty please could we include “be there” – tu face, “at last”- beyonce and “from this moment”- shaina twain. Somewhere in the midst of all this i would love to dance to “I loved her first” with my dad. I would love an intimate wedding, with only our closet friends there, i think it would be much more fun.

I am far from perfect, i could be very naughty but this i promise you: I would love you unconditionally every second of everyday, we would never sleep with our backs turned against each other, your people would be my people, i would sacrifice everything i have to see you happy, i would respect you even when you hurt me, every word from your mouth would be my truth and we would never part till death.

Hurry up and let’s start our “happy ever after”

Love Now, Tomorrow and Always
Your Future Wife
Sugarboo

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Dear Noble,

After reading both letters, I fell in love with “love”. What makes a man write an open letter to his future wife? And in turn get a million and one replies yet he chose “that” one. I have read the letters and all I can think of is a million questions. My first question Noble is does she know that u can wake up in the morning and swallow pounded yam with ogbono soup? (now that’s an affair) Does she also know that you are not a good drinker except it is champagne rose and most times when you drink with your friends you nurse a glass? Your attitude is that of a not so tall Igbo man who thinks the world of himself? Confidence, you like to call it “bet” what will she call it when she finally meets you?

Do you remember the day we went out and we saw that man who kept asking you for gum at 2am? She should see your face when you reply to such acts of “abuse”.
What would she do if she saw the “famzers” who came around you and
tried to share your food, just because they think they know you? Will she just look on or react in such a manner that we would have to school her on relationships? Does she also know that if you thought a car would waste your time, you would grin happily, squeeze your head in a helmet and mount an okada? A habit I pray she would wean you off rather than say, I love him the way he is because that’s what she sounds like. (My POV)

However she has promised not to wear hair nets if you teach her to speak Igbo…. Hmmmm. Idi sure that you can handle this? Umu Nwanyi can say anything and when push comes to shove, we remember the word called compromise. So how about, making a promise that you will never grow so comfy and have a protruding gut, wear colourful socks and have her rub your head. Yes we know that men are babies “bet” this is the baby we do not want.
Noble likes naughty that much I can attest to, but what is even scarier is the fact that when you find out why his head won’t fit in the “knight’s helmet”, you will become a naughtier convert.

She pictures you arriving late on your first date and while she is calming her nerves in the powder room, you are beside another lady. Truth be told, there would be a bevy of women around you and the best thing would be for her to accept the fact that this will always be the case but you will strive to make her special. Note: Please do not push Nobs on the first date and any other. Noble, I am writing this letter with so many things on my mind, wondering if you will publish it. If you don’t, no wahala. All I know is, you have painted yourself in the best light and all I need to achieve is to spare this young girl the grief or better still explain to her that it does not mean if you like your eggs runny she should ask for raw eggs. There is absolutely nothing wrong in having a ham and cheese Omelet while you eat your runny sunny side up. As for noodles, plantain and egg, that’s a notch higher than the “aboki’s” stand next to my house. and if the saying that the way to a man’s heart is his stomach, where exactly is the way to your heart seeing that food is not the gateway?

I like the fact she thinks that you make Igbo sexy, Nwokem, as long as anyone speaks their language with that same confidence and an air of arrogance, sexy is defined. Don’t feel special.
Your choice of wedding songs almost brought tears to my eyes and she chose a few to make the wedding list. The part where I quite don’t get it is the quiet wedding part. Where will your mother be in the scheme of things? Her first son getting married “quietly”? Hian! Tufiakwa! So how would I cater to the wedding? Okay, I am being selfish…”bet why?”

In a society where expectations are high and sometimes not met, only true love can stand the test of time and if there is no understanding, love, like a burning wick without oil would burn out. I am not the devil’s advocate, just a concerned friend. If e-mails could do the job, the singles rating in the world would have dropped considerably. Like you would say Nobs, Go figure.

Yours Sincerely,

Me

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Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

12 comments

  1. Wow! Talk about bringing us all back to reality. Lmao @ ‘squeeze his head into a helmet’… But y u gotta kill this fairy tale tho? Why? Why evils??

  2. I love this frnd jere, they say love is blind so we smtimes need sm1 with clear eyes to guide us, sm1 outside d situation n no one better to do it but a good frnd.

  3. “Noble likes naughty that much I can attest to” -really?
    Noble please answer the question;what is the way to your heart?

  4. In my opinion this sounds like a friend who feels she’s losing her friend to someone else. No relationship is perfect and it exists so that they can discover each other. Its nice of u to give her the heads up but abeg madam go figure out ur own life and leave nobs and d mrs…pessimist!

  5. Nobz promise u’ll make hm ur best man! I hve a feeling hm nd future wife will sooo get along, nd therz no way ur havng a priv8 wedding, I agree.lwkmd!!

  6. Tho I’m nt sure he cud right in very simple uncomplicated english, this looks like something Ebuka wud do. Buh who eva did dis has ruined the fantasy of the first letter, wish it was left that way; wivout the replies that is.

  7. Ok am I the only one who was reading this as a letter from a female friend? Anyway the friend male or female is a good one biko. Marriage isn’t a fantasy o if the letter was to “my future girl friend” then ok yeah but it said wife so nice reality check by friend here. N its friends like this that let future wifey know what she’s really in for after all the roses and sweet talk

  8. Heheheheeee….Noble Igwe ibanyela moto ndi ogwu ego. lolllllll, friend u know him indeed. Nobz, u should respond o. or maybe future wife should do so and tell us if she will overlook some of those things mentioned here.

    PS: I totally love d fact dat Nobs is doesnt care about a car if he nids to get on the move ASAP, dat shows he’s down to earth irrespective of all d fab and splendour. Future wife, pls u have to overlook dis one but u dont have to climb d bike with him, just take ur time, get ur hair n make up ready and drive down jeje-ly to where u nid to be, ps do nne o, so that Nobs can marry ooo.

    Another concerned friend.

  9. I’m currently researching and writing my thesis for my capstone project- so I don’t know how I stumbled on this blog. But this is the most emotional piece that I ever read- I literally cried in the library. Please if you meant what you wrote, do send me an email. Uzoamaka!

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