Memoirs Of A SLU…shhkid: Wk 58

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Here’s the truth, I look forward to reading the memoirs of a SLU..shhkid same way as you but I am involved in so many things and memoirs ends up being posted late  cos of it.

I’ll try my best to improve and I really appreciate the fact that you come here everyday.

I write from my jotter and the fact that we are still talking about May does not mean you will lose any aspect of Memoirs.

Here’s one good news, you can now come with your friends and family for Karaoke on Wednesdays and Sundays at De Marquee.

It’s a different kind of karaoke with loads of pre-recorded Nigerian songs available and you don’t have to pay anything as gate fee.

Before we go into proper memoirs, I need to know, what happened to Shimi? Like our generation woke up one day and decided there would be no need to wear shimi after all we need air to enter.

I know some of you reading this have not ever seen shimi in their lives and may never do until they pass.

I remember that my aunties used to own loads of Shimis and it was as in shimi came only in two colours – Black and white, or maybe brown for the ones that was once white.

It was unacceptable for the shimi to show below the skirt but it was a bigger crime not to know the code for saying “Your SHIMI is showing”. No one was allowed to say such. If you see someone’s shimi showing, carefully say “Garri gi n’awufu”.

Those days are gone.

We threw away shimis and embraced thongs. It’s not like I have anything against thongs but some women should not wear thongs.

As a matter of fact, with a thong, it’s easier to achieve accidental slip in

Have you seen a chic on a bike with her hairy butt crack and thong showing? It looks like a poorly cultivated school farm with irrigation gutters on both sides.

Some ladies that wear tight and jeggins with low tee shirts don’t even know what the car headlights pick up. If you are out of luck, you may pick up acute wedgie.

Before we go further, please be informed that memoirs is NOT writing porn. Please do not come here expecting to read about sex all the time, if I have sex, I will share, if I have not, I will not lie.

If you want to watch/read porn, click on www.anam-abia-kita.com (it’s the best one I’ve seen with authentic Nigerian chicks)

Saturday May 21,2011

I didn’t know what to do and I was even more scared of what Biola may have told her.

You and I know that Biola is a go-getter and would go to any length to achieve her set out goals. I couldn’t stay in the bathroom any longer as my mind kept running a mental extensive check on my BBM.

I couldn’t remember anything on my BBM that would put me in trouble but at the same time, I didn’t want to leave anything to “I thought I closed it”.

I dried up my body, dressed up and went straight to the kitchen.

Immediately she looked up and gave me one of those “Akwa gi” look and didn’t say anything because Chaa was there too.

They were talking about Chaa’s days in London and for a minute, I wished I was married to her.

They ignored me but I didn’t mind.

She suddenly turned to ask me where I would like my food served.

Nobs: I’ll eat in my room.

Zoba: Ngwa go to your room.

Nobs: I don’t like people serving me.

Cha: Ewo! Since when?

Nobs: Cha, please I will indicate when I want your opinion.

Cha: I wasn’t talking to you

Nobs: biko, Zoba, can I carry my food?

Zoba: I said I’ll bring it or do you need to dish some for your Biola.

Cha: That one that does not know who to wash plate.

Nobs: Cha, you know you are being disrespectful now ?

Cha: Let me shut up before I talk about the amount of oil she uses in cooking that her food.

Zoba: Ngwa Nna, I will bring your food.

She didn’t need to say it again before I knew it was time for me to leave. Cha was ready to go nasty as regards Biola and I didn’t want to create such an impression about her where Zoba was concerned.

Biola may not be the best person out there but she has her good side.

While eating in my room, I waited for her to bring up the phone conversation with Biola but instead she was busy complaining about the state of my wardrobe.

My wardrobe always looks like something that was abandoned in a hurry.

The door of the wardrobe acts as a “laundry bag” for clothes that may be repeated while the floor plays the role of “Laundry Bag” for dirty clothes.

Zoba: What will it take you to organize your wardrobe?

Nobs: A happy Obinna

Zoba: We’ll do it today

Nobs: You don’t have to bother yourself I’ll do it

Zoba: I never said I was bothered. We’ll do it together, Nna.

Each time she called me “Nna” it kinda made my heart smile. Like there’s this sweetness to it and it shows that she cares.

I have a special place in my heart for people that call me “Uzom”, “Nna”, “Buzor” or “Chibuzor”.

I took our dirty dishes to the kitchen and on my return Zoba was already tiding up the wardrobe. I quickly moved to the jacket section so that she does not mistakenly put her hands in the blue jacket.

The inner left pocket of the blue jacket is home to condom-ville and it wasn’t something I would love to expose to Zoba.

She picked up some Tees and viola! a shining hair clip was put on display.

I felt some kind of  lightness in my boxers – my tennis balls shrunk.

Zoba: Onye kwa new?

Nobs: I think it’s for Cha

Zoba: Idikwa Sure or is it for Biola?

Nobs: I’m sure it’s for Cha.

Zoba: I will trust you on that

Nobs: Ok. Nne, do you want to talk about Biola and the phone call?

Zoba: There’s nothing to talk about. You told me you guys are over and I believe you or is there something more?

Nobs: No, not at all

And that moment, there was a knock on the door and Cha entered.

Cha: Nobs, I’m going out to the Palms, do you guys need anything?

Zoba: Chisom, do you like this hair clip?

Cha: Awww, you want to dash me?

That was it! I was “cutting eye” for Chaa but she either didn’t see me or just wanted Zoba to deal with me.

First she fought her cousin because of me; then Biola called and when I was expecting nothing more to go wrong, the hair clip came up.

Zoba: I will get you a new one.

Nobs: I don’t want anything from The Palms. Zoba do you want anything?

Zoba: Mba.

At that moment, I didn’t really want Chisom to leave because I knew what was going to follow.

Chaa left and it happened

Zoba: Chibuzor, did you lie to me?

Nobs: No

Zoba: I didn’t expect you to be a virgin or something but I also did not expect you to lie to me. I was only asking for the sake of asking and not because I wanted to do anything with the answer.

Nobs: It’s not like that. I can’t remember who owns it right now and it must have been there for sometime now.

Zoba: It’s okay

Nobs: I’m really sorry

Zoba: Oh by the way, when I picked up the phone, your Biola said “Hey lover” and it made me wonder if that is how people refer to their ex boyfriends.

Nobs:  I really can’t talk for her.

Zoba: Uzom, we’ve argued a lot in one day and I’m tired. Can we just sit back, hold hands and watch TV?

Nobs: Okay, Nne

9:00pm

We went back to her hotel for her to change so that we can go hang out at De Marquee.

On our way, she decided to call Chidi to come and join us because in her words, “I wouldn’t want you to be enemies with family”. I agreed because even though I may not like Iti, I was happy that Zoba stood up for me and if that was what was required of me to do just to show gratitude, I was ready to even feed Iti.

We got to De Marquee and about 20 minutes later Iti and a babe joined us.

Iti: Zoba, meet my girlfriend – Vanessa; Vanessa, my cousin Chizoba.

Zoba: Nice to meet you.

Vanessa: The pleasure is mine

I was smiling waiting for Iti to introduce me but he went ahead to call a waiter. I felt ashamed not know whether to keep smiling or to simply introduce myself.

Zoba: Oh Vanessa, meet my boyfriend, Noble

Nobs: Nice to meet you Vanessa.

We placed our orders and while we waiting, I was thinking of what to do to Chidi.

I so wanted to go to the bathroom and mix my glass of champagne with pee and then exchange my glass with his but I decided against that.

Vanessa: Noble, did you also just come back?

Nobs: No, I live here

Vanessa: So how long have you guys been together?

Iti: 24 hours

Vanessa: Really? You guys are so cute together.

Iti: He’s also an upcoming musician

Zoba: Chidi stop it. She’s not talking to you.

Iti: I’m sorry but we didn’t send you to school for this.

Zoba: Are we really going to do this again here?

Vanessa: Chidi, what’s the issue? I think you were disrespectful to Noble. I don’t think that was nice. Besides, are you going to make a choice for your cousin concerning who and who she can date?

Iti: I didn’t mean to be disrespectful in any way.

At that point I knew there was no way I was ever going to be friends with Chidi.

We ate the food in silence and while I kept thinking of what to do to Chidi.

Few minutes later, a chic covered Chidi’s eyes with her palm.

Lady: Guess who?

Iti: I don’t know

Lady: [comes to the front] You! So you also come to Lagos to grove. All you Abuja big boys!

I laughed out loud…..

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

32 comments

  1. “It looks like a poorly cultivated school farm with irrigation gutters on both side”.Chimooo!!!Noble ga-egbu mmadu.Teach iti alil lesson biko.Ya raa nsi.#hiss

  2. Nobs, dis aint fair at all. Postin was REALLY late. By d way, shimis are extinct. Cnt rememba d last tym i saw one or said ‘ur gari dey pour’. Lolzing. Nyc memoirs sha.

  3. http://www.anam-abia-kita.com! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Chai! About this Zoba… Hmmm. I dunno if I like her yet jor. Too good to be true. Or maybe I just haven’t gotten over Ada. And u can’t really blame Iti now. When u too went and told him u’re an upcoming musician. He’s nasty yes. But really just looking out for his cousin. Nice read. And pleeeeaaaasssseee Nna, we know u’re busy. But please give us our memoirs on time. Biko. Daalu so.

  4. KAI! You are so hilariously on point with the shimi part…. We need to save you brothers from some sort of blindness…. lol!

  5. :p :p :p :p for you.. I love chaa so much!! Your ‘bad-mouth’ is too much, smh!!! Nice post but don’t keep us waiting again *rme*

  6. So am at work, I get to the endd and burst into laughter..ewooo so uncle iti has sme secrets too, who wlda thot nobs nd iti wld hve sumfin in common…this was classic, hpe the night turns evn mre dramatic..
    ..

  7. “Garri gi n’awufu”… Noble what is this??

    Btw, also wanted to say that the banter you’ve added these past few weeks have made Memoirs cooler. Funny stuff..

    Chidi (iti) made me laugh, I’m sure he’d handle that situation well.

  8. Yeah also “benediction longer than Mass” to tell someone their shimi is out
    I like Chaa wit her “younger sister” kinda wahala.Meanwhile,I feel Zoba is flipping a script on u…she’s too good to b true.Chidi is out to give u a tough time(u go hear am)

  9. Let me give you the history of the ‘Shimmy’…

    The Anthropology of The Nigerian Undergarment…
    So, after Mungo Park and co rediscovered Nigeria (afterall, people were already living there), the British and other Colonialists started coming over from England and Europe in droves.

    First, as Armies to conquer and subdue the People.
    Later, as Administrators to govern the people and exploit them.

    It was in this Administration that the men, being men, started to ‘govern’ the indegenous women and start to forget home.

    To reverse this worrisome trend, the Colonial Wives put tremendous pressure on the Crown to begin to insist that any married Colonial MUST relocate to Nigeria with his bride. And this came to be law. And the Colonial women started coming to join their men in Nigeria…

    As is proper in England, and other European countries, the woman’s ‘get-up’ is a rather complicated ensemble – With about 5 under-layers before the transformation is complete.

    Anyway, given that the Colonial women had indigenous women fetch, launder, mend and prepare these undergarments, and especially our penchant for copying everything European; the house servants who couldn’t match the accent or tongue of the Colonial madam, developed local parlance for these items…

    – This is usually how the Madam would have called out to the maid: Please go and fetch my shimmering undergarment…

    The ‘Shimmering under garment’ gown became the ‘Shimmy’
    The Corset became the ‘Costay’
    The ‘Court Shoe’ (usually low cut without laces) became the ‘Cut Shoe’
    The ‘Parlour’ where guests were seated became the focal room in Nigerian houses
    ‘Pants’ which meant trousers or undergarments became ‘Pant’; as the indigent couldn’t see the plurals of trousers, the ‘S’ in trousers and pants were dropped — Playing Pant, Inner Pant (and somewhere along the line, a ‘yi’ was inserted smack in the middle between pa -and – nt)
    Anyway, you get the idea….

  10. Can’t stop laughing o.. Good one Nobs! Just wishing memoirs were more regular though, sum of us come here everyday u knw.. Zoba Ȋ̝̊̅§ acting to good 2 b true indeed, really wish l cud fast forward things n get 2 knw wat happened 2 u both eventually.. Nice one sha!

  11. Garri gi na awufu! Hahahahaha
    Who told you that sef? You must have been very mischievous as a child.
    How do you mix pee with champagne? I’m sure it’ll taste vintage.lol
    Nice post,I’m going to read it over and over again.

  12. *Too sick to laugh*
    Twaz worth the wait, can’t wait to read abt Iti’s downfall and Zoba reminds me of me…so cool and sweet hearted. *blush*

  13. I guess this warning about porn Nobs gave is Bcs he has a gf nw Pamela to b precise n he wants to get hs act togeda. All of a sudden, he doesn’t do porn anymore as if that wasn’t the reason for the traffic on this site. U delay memoirs for one full week and no sincere apologies, nw this??? Not to worry. I guess from the comments, most readers have lost interest already.
    Nobs, bike end this Zoba, Iti n Biola episode already. Let’s know what’s new or end the memoirs once n for all. #my two cents#

  14. @Lucia,who cares if Nobs has a gf? We are here to read what he’s serving us not to do some CIA on him. Maybe Zoba is Pamela,but allow him to tell the story himself. It’s more fun that way. By the way,no commenter has said they’ve lost interest,how did you arrive at that?
    And I remember he apologised at the beginning of this post.
    So Nobs,pls give us all the May happenings already,we are in August now.

  15. @Lucia we love the memoirs no matter how late and how short! You can carry your “aproco” elsewhere we are not interested. Thanks at @iphie

  16. Noble i love u as in i’m not joking. *now kissing ur picture on wow magazine* 🙂
    Atleast for doing justice to my checking 360nobs everyday to see if uve written!!!

  17. hey nobs u owe us two episodes oo! u didnt post last week and thie week’s own was late, i actualy thought memoirs has ended! i love zoba, she seems like a sweet person 🙂 all the best

  18. continue posting late and short….guess u’ve won ur blog award so u have an accolade cos at this rate ur blog will die a natural death…..nonsense!

  19. nobs i don’t want 2 bliv u hv got writers block now, its been weeks and u knw lots of pple come in here everyday just checking if u have blogged abt anything new ,its been over 3weeks of nuffin.help us out here

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