On Sunday, I heard of a woman who committed suicide, and this was after she had attempted it twice before. Quite a number of us were quick to judge and cast aspersions; people who knew nothing about her, who did not even know her name or what her reason(s) might be.
Then, Amy Winehouse was found dead in her London home on the 23rd of July 2011. Again people were quick to judge; people who did not know her, had never heard her name, did not know what she did for a living, did not even know where in the world she was from or how to properly spell her name!
In June an unassuming, christian husband was alleged to have murdered his wife in the most gruesome way. This was broadcast on BB and facebook. People called for his head on a platter; people called for his head to be examined – people called for his head. A lot of us crossed ourselves, waved our hands over our heads and snapped our fingers in that way so common to us. “God forbid” we said. “Not my portion,” we declared.
Four days ago a young friend of mine sent me something he had written and I knew I had to share it. I thought about editing it, but decided to share it as I received it.
Why are you alive???
That is τhε question I ask myself every minute of everyday. When I am at home watching TV, or laughing with friends.
Why don’t you just end your life???
That is τhε question I ask myself whenever someone close to me gets angry or worked up over something I see as a minor issue.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I ain’t one of those gothic peeps, that love anything dark and evil, neither am I bipolar, but just sitting down here after another long day of living, just has my mind walking.
I will be turning 18 soon, and I can’t help but ask myself, “Why τhε fuck aint you dead already??”
I ain’t τhε holiest person in τhε world, I might not drink, smoke, or party a lot, but I lie (like 10 every half hour), I love girls (but I am a committed and loving boyfriend still, and I love my GF, but there is still something about girls that fascinates me, and makes me flirt freely with as much as possible). Also, from time to time, I steal, even if it aint major, I do it. I definitely don’t read my bible and I don’t pray except when my mom calls for family devotion.
Those are just τhε things I can remember at this moment, but I am still alive. A few Sundays ago, a couple who happened to be pastors or workers in τhε RCCG got drowned in τhε flood, and I am thinking to myself, “Why τhε fuck wasn’t that me??”
This article ain’t another article telling you about how great GOD is. No, it is not, because I know there are over a million articles out there telling you that, but this article is just to make you answer some basic questions,
1) Why are you alive?
2) Why don’t you just end your life?
3) Why τhε fuck aint you dead already?
And whenever you see an obituary,
4) Why wasn’t that me?
If you have answers to those questions, definitely write them as comments below, but if you don’t, like me, just say this “Thank GOD/ALLAH”.
My initial reaction was shock at the anger and confusion jumping at me off my screen!
After he told me the ‘back story’ to this, I had a better understanding of his point of view.
Last month an old school mate of mine came over for a few games of Pro Evolution Soccer, and as I walked him to the bus stop, he told me a tale that reached deep to the heart of me.
He had been seeing this girl off and on for as long as I can remember. He practically raised and groomed her, and set her on her two feet. They would fight and break up, and see other people, but then they would find their way back to each other like a bad habit.
About three months ago he lost his job. Not deterred by that temporary set back, he continued his hustling. For some reason, everything he touched seemed to disintegrate to nothingness, any venture he pursued crumbled to dust. Still he soldiered on. Once when he was strapped for cash and he asked his girlfriend, she gave him conditions! This, more than anything else, crushed him. He descended into depression, walked down a mental gangplank to a place of darkness. It was then he decided to end it all.
He had everything planned out; he was going to go the acid route. He would invite her over, feed it to her and then consume it too; just end it all for both of them.
In his reasoning, there was really no point staying alive and putting his aging parents through the ordeal of his capture, trial, jail time, visits and eventual execution.
In what we would consider ‘Nollywood’ fashion, two days before he was to carry out this deed, he received a mail from a company in the US. He had chased down this particular rabbit hole what seemed like aeons ago and had all but forgotten about it.
With renewed hope, he focused on living, putting everything else behind him, but never forgetting how close he came to doing something he would have considered so totally alien to his nature. He almost succumbed to what he calls ‘the sin of Judas’ – despair.
A few months ago, I personally went through my equivalent of ‘the wire’. Slowly but very certainly I was heading towards a meltdown.
As a unit my family rallied round me; encouraging, advicing and praying with and for me. I had that going for me, and then I had hope going for me too.
I suffered partial insomnia, blinding headaches and heart palpitations. The love and support of these people helped me bear it all stoically.
It was at this time I met Christina. First it was twitter and then BB. When she mentioned a getaway I said yes without considering that this was somone I barely knew, someone I had never met.
I told Big Mama, my oldest sister, about it and she said ok that I did need a time away from all of it.
I went to Erin-Ijesa, Osun state for two days and there, under the rolling waters of the second level of the sevel-level Olu-mirin waterfalls, in that tranquil environment unspoiled by man, with only the sound of water cascading down those rocks and into the hollow at my feet, I felt the weight shift and then roll off my heart. I went under those waters with shoulders slightly bowed by the weight of a decision I had to make, I came out shoulders pulled back by resolve; my mind made up.
It has not been easy following it through, but at least there is the calmness that comes from knowing whatever I did, I was doing my way. And then there is the comfort and strength that comes from knowing that I have a family who, in every sense of it, have got my back.
“Hey young blood, iHav read ur article again in a bid to make it into an article, and there are a few things iWant to share with you.
1st: u r not alone in issues of depression. Neither are u alone when it comes to lies, n doing wrong. Whyl that doesn’t make them alryt, it means suicide – contemplation or attempt isn’t d way 4ward.
Like you pointed out, after a lot of stock taking, we should learn to be thankful.
Nothing praying can’t fix. Not the “give me, give me” brand of prayer, just a conversation with a higher power u implicitly believe in.
Just like u would with a friend.”
These were the words I sent to my young friend, the words that came to mind.
Why be quick to sit in judgement when we have neither walked in the person’s shoes, nor have striven to be there for them?
Why point fingers and say “Thank God I am not like such and such,” when we have neither showed up for them, nor stood by them?
Why call them weak and snivelling when we have never really been tasked by life to be strong? Not tested in the way(s) that they have?
Why frown or cackle when deep inside we know we are no better, and just hope that since that terrible thing has happened to them, it would satisfy the fates and the fates will leave us be?
As for the question of why we are alive, let me just say that I strongly believe it is because of the love of God. So you ask: What about that other person? Again, I believe that we are loved by God uniquely, not equally. Plus who truly knows the heart of God? The plans that He set for us even before he formed us?
PS: When someone has pushed the self-destruct button, sometimes we cannot do much to save them from themselves, yet we cannot give up on them just as we tell them not to give up on themselves; you do not throw a whole life away just because it’s banged up.
PPS: This post was inspired by ‘Sorey, my youngest known family member on 360nobs.
Young blood, God loves you.