Memoirs Of A SLU…shhkid : Wk 56

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So last night for some reason I ended up watching a bit of Africa Magic and for the first time in a long time I learnt something new. It’s called double standards.

Here’s how it works.

If a woman says, “I don’t want to have sex”, it means she’s not in the mood.

If a woman says “My head is aching” that means, she’s not in the mood

But if a man says, “I’m not in the mood” Ewoo, that is a different ball game altogether. It means he’s getting it outside. In short he’s even getting enough sex to last him a lifetime. Men are not supposed to get tired or not be in the mood. To a woman every erection is a sign of  “I’m ready”.

Here’s the good news. Men get tired too and sometimes we are not just in the mood. Sex is a combination of body and soul (unless you are just smashing her with no feelings), so being able to wake a boner does not mean that the soul would like to go through sex.

Please next time he says “I’m tired” say “I understand, hun. Let me rub your back and put you to sleep”.

Dear friends, this is the end of my story.

Back to the memoirs of a SLU…shhkid.

Did you read the reply to my “Dear future Wife letter”? Well, someone replied so you need to read it.

However, I‘ve been thinking what if I agree to date or marry her and she requested/suggested that I stop writing the memoirs? On a more serious note, I need to move to the future, I hate writing from my jotter and in most cases, I forget vital details.

 

May 20,2011

Nobs: Talk? About what?

Biola: Please come. It’s important.

Nobs: Give me a few.

I got off the phone and I didn’t know how to tell Zoba that I needed to step out for a bit. I waited for her to ask me the usual “ So who was that on the phone”? But she did not. I was surprised and quiet for a bit. I mean I have been with different women and it was quite a surprise that she did not hit with that “So who was that on the phone?” I mean why are women always asking such questions? It’s even a lot more annoying when it comes from someone you are about to START dating.

While “Who was that on the phone” maybe a lil annoying, I totally can’t stand women whose first question on the phone is “Where are you?” As in, no good morning, good afternoon or anything, just straight to, “Where are you?” For me I have a ready answer for that question “I’m in Lagos

Nobs: Nne, I need to see someone at the lobby. I’ll be back in a bit.

Zoba : Ok.I will stay up for you or do you want to go with the key?

Nobs: Maybe I should. Thank you

Zoba: Oh, my powder stained your top. Come and change before you go down.

Nobs: Nne, ejiro’m extra shirt.

Zoba: Ama’m. I got you some.

She went to her suitcase, brought out a tee and started unbuttoning my shirt. For a moment there, I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I felt loved and wished I didn’t have to go down to see Biola. I kissed her on her forehead and hugged her tight before stepping out to the elevator.

It didn’t take much time to find Biola in the busy lobby. I focused on the chest region of people and immediately my eyes spotted her boobs, I knew she was the one. She suggested that we go to the Blue bar to get a drink; I tried to let her know that I left someone upstairs and may not have time for a drink.

The bar was not as busy as it usually was and I guess you know why. I hate the Lagos social crowd. They know how to move on and quickly too. At some point everybody and their step mothers were all shouting “Let’s meet at 4Points” and how they all quickly moved to Radisson Blu baffles me.

We sat down and placed our order.

Biola: Nobs, I couldn’t sleep and that’s the reason I came to find you. I’ve been to De Marquee to look for you and when I didn’t see you there, I came here.

Nobs: Is everything okay?

Biola: Yes. The truth is, we are not dating but somehow I think I’ve started developing feelings for you. I don’t intend to push you off with this talk but what I did this afternoon was out of jealousy.

Nobs: Bee, its okay. I’m fine.

Biola: Nobs, let’s have a get away weekend. Just the two of us. Maybe Ghana or  Kenya. I’ll sponsor.

Nobs: Where’s Amala in all of this?

Biola: Nobs, stop please.

Nobs: Bee, what’s wrong in asking after your food or because I didn’t refer to him as Salad?

Biola: Nobs, I want to show you how much I care about you. I left your house but couldn’t get you off my mind. When are you leaving here?

Nobs: I’m spending the night. Maybe tomorrow.

Biola: Are you dating her?

I thought about this for a minute. Even though I couldn’t say if Zoba and I had started dating, I also didn’t want to cause Biola more pain. So I said:

Nobs: No, but maybe soon

Biola: During lunch, she said something about going back soon. How will you do it?

Nobs: Well, I’ve known her for a while and if what we have is pure, then the rest will fall into place.

Biola: Well, It’s none of my business. All I ask for now is a weekend of no phones, laptops or any type of work.

Nobs: Can I think about it?

Biola: Sure. I’m really sorry, Nobs. Please forgive me. When you go home tomorrow please tell me so that I can bring your fave Fox biscuits.

Nobs: I’ll do just that.

Biola: I can’t say I love you but I really care about you.

Nobs: I’ll let you know what’s up, boo

She leaned in for a kiss but I stopped her halfway lying that I had a cold but I did that just because I felt it would be dirty or improper to kiss Biola and then go upstairs and kiss Zoba, all on the same night.

I don’t know how some ladies do it o. Like blow Peter and kiss Paul, same night without brushing. Talking about Brushing, I totally think that clubs should have toothbrushes and toothpaste in their toilets so that people can brush in the clubs before whispering. Or maybe the bouncers at the door should be handing out chewing gum as the entrance.

On a more serious note, I hate it when people (read as fellow men) try to whisper in clubs. Dear Man, we cannot discuss any business at 2am. Stop trying to talk or shout in my ears. Thank you

On the way up to the room, I was trying to figure out Biola’s plan but I also sensed some kind of sincerity. I opened the door and Zoba was on the bed sleeping in some kind of kaftan. A black long one with her hair nicely wrapped. My heart skipped a beat. She had no hairnet and I hadn’t even told her about my hatred for the net.

I went to the bathroom to pee and what I saw brought tears to my eyes. The shirt that Zoba took off me has been washed and was hanging in the bathroom. That moment will remain evergreen for as long as I live. Only one woman has ever done such for me. Even though we are no longer together, I still respect her for all the things that she stood for. I climbed into bed beside her. She woke up, asked how my meeting went, placed her head on my chest and slept off.

Saturday May 21,2011.

9.00am

I woke up with no Zoba beside me and that got me scared.

Even though I didn’t want to believe that Biola came and kidnapped her because that was what the silly side of my mind was saying.

I called her phone and it rang in the room. Then I got scared. Different thoughts crossed my mind but then I suspected that she might have gone down for breakfast. I was still thinking when her phone rang again, I looked at and the number was saved as “Cuz Chidi”. I thought about picking to say “You may need to call back, she’s busy blowing me” but then that would have been insulting to Zoba.

Few minutes later, I heard a knock on the door followed by a Voice.

Zozo, it’s Chidi

I smiled took off my jean and opened the door in my boxers and tee. Immediately he saw me, he crossed checked the room number.

Iti: Where’s Zoba?

Nobs: She went out

Iti: What are you doing here?

Nobs: I came to play Ludo, watch cartoon network and have my bath in a real shower.

I grabbed my jeans and dressed up. For a moment, I wanted to tell Iti how I felt about him but decided against it. I was not married to Zoba and I wouldn’t want to be on the wrong side with family.

Iti: How long will she be?

Nobs: I don’t know, sir

He stood and went to the bathroom, I couldn’t see the face but I was happy that he would see the shirt as well. He came out looking like Tony Umez.

Iti: We need to talk now

Then we heard the knock on the door.

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

51 comments

  1. This post is too short jare!! ℓoℓ @ ” I came to play Ludo, watch cartoon network and have my bath in a real shower” very nice response!! Please let biola go already!! Looks like zoba is a “wife material” plus she’s not a local champion! Let’s see how this works. Please post early next week O. Cheers.

  2. LMAO! Noble iwu no onye ichokwu. I think I like Zoba but then the heart wants what the heart wants. I hope u make the right choice tho. This post came late sha o. Stayed awake waiting for it.

  3. Hahahahahahahahahaha! Loved wat u did to chidi jst remember he’s still a family. As for biola plsssSss 4get her & build up smetin wit Zoba….. Nobs d post is getting shorter not fair o!

  4. Hahahahaha “I came to play Ludo, watch cartoon network and have my bath in a real shower.”
    iLike Biola, but she fuqed up. But you too u no holy pass. But

  5. Nobs it seems like we have to flog u into making up ur damn mind! Kilode gaan sef? Let Biola go. There are sooooo many beautiful women in the world but u can only pick one. Let Biola go biko she has expired. Kenya or Ghana my right breast!! She’s just jealous because Zoba is around. It aint like she really caught feelings for u. She should go. She has featured enough in the memoirs.

  6. Interestin one. Luvd ur replys 2 Iti bt rememba he’s family 2 ur wannabee gf. As for Biola, pls tell ha 2 go piss herself. Zoba is d ryt gurl 4 u.

  7. This is too short ah ahn noble! Btw u have to ditch biola abeg, on to brighter things. Yes, she can be your hooker every once in a while but nothing permanent! Ur life ehn….o di kwa egwu! (Hope I spelt that right)

  8. oga Nobz…my wife read ur blog and immediatly asked if i also have something against hair-net ……i love the carton network line

  9. Lol. What exactly is wife material? Zoba doesn’t fool me. Every girl knows what a walk-in closet is. Every girl would tell an african man that she prefers a kitchen to a closet. What Noble needs is not a woman who falls under the so called “wife material” tag,but a woman who is herself and whom he loves despite it. Good luck Noble.

    1. @Nameless It is very possible for Zoba not to know what a walk-in closet is. Not everyone lives on the internet, or has interest in E!, MTV Base and glossy magazines plus she doesn’t stay in Lagos. Trust me, I’ve seen girls who do not know about stuff you would expect an average new world girl to know about and they are still relatively ok and interesting. Don’t judge her based on that. She may very well be herself right now

      P.S; If my bf/childhood friend asked me that kinda question, i would chose the walk-in closet, duh. According to the question, there’s a kitchen, not just big enough, I’ll tell him never mind, I’ll manage the kitchen space, gimme the walk-in closet. Since we’re speaking hypothetically, i may as well answer in the same vein. 😀

  10. nobs u just killed me with these lines ” I came to play Ludo, watch cartoon network and have my bath in a real shower.” Damn how do u come up with such ludicrous lines. I’m still laughing my as off

  11. i laffed so hard @ ur response to Iti. neeways nice post. BTW, ur memoirs always ended each week. whats with the sequel? can u at least end the stories each week. seems like u give us half jist so u can think of more stories to add to it. that said, Zoba sounds too gud to be true. she doesnt have a bf, she been in the UK n she this super ‘wife material’? i feel shes acting. neeways choice is urs. Goodluck Patience to you!!!

  12. Dwsd!! Ahah Nobs ur d ish ooo..Na real cartoon and shower, plz Abeg Biola should park well jor whch wan be all this famzing nw. Lady sees cmpetition nd nw she wnts to up her game. She seems fun 2 be with bt I dnt knw bout gettn serz. Nehuz 57 will aid d judgement…

  13. hey nobs so hapi 4 as per zoba pls becarefula nd b gud and faithful as much as u can 2 her wish all d best @ iti very gud 4 u dancing alanta and doin ntoi ….lwkmd…………….pls let biola go na abeg she shuld go and meet amala hehehehehehehe

  14. I love the fact that Cuz Chidi was pained. I wish i could read the expression on his face. This story is mad funny. Pls remember that he is family sha.

  15. Hahahahahahah God i love this, i can imagine the look on iti’s face! Priceless….. way to go Nobz, i hope things works out with Zoba..

  16. Bahahahahahahahehehehehe….Nobs ehhh, gawd ur so funny!!!. Nice write-up, I see ur gettn ur groove back! 😉 Niceeeee 1!!!

  17. I like Zoba alrdy buh I’m scared she is too good to be true? Women are the best actors…always remember. Give her a chance tho, and keep Biola close too for the once-in-a-while indulgence. Don’t totally
    push her away.

  18. Nobs: I came to play Ludo, watch cartoon network and have my bath in a real shower
    ……Buahhahahahaha….nna biko e ye gbu mmade leh…..awWw nobs is going soft….YES!

  19. Nice content it really inspired and I know I learnt a very key lesson… As for me I prefer settling down with Zoba cos her own love is very GENUINE.

  20. Hey Nobs,
    I LOVE ur posts mahn, u put a huge grin on my face everytime..but they r getting shorter..Plssss leave Biola alone..as per jus fashi her, its lyk she just likes seeing her name in ur posts and she obviously doesnt know what she wants..So if she rlly means what she said then what happens to Amala….Besides what if she ends up misleading u or breaking ur heart…Nobs! o di kwa RISKY o!!

  21. Lemme guess chidi isn’t her cuz after all he’s her side dish and his gf is the one at the door come to warn zoba off her guy. He wanted to get there first n get zoba outta the way but she didn’t answer her phone and u had to be the one who answered the door. Anyway sha monday shud hurry up!

  22. Perfect response…..can’t fink of a more hilarous…as for zoba….bruv dere is nothing we can do bout it….a woman will always be wiser than a man…what am saying is when a woman wants something so badly…she can play deaf n dumb…remember the devil u know is more palatable dan d angel dt has plans for u…so i say keep ur options open…who knows…NB…forgive my conspiracy theory,am no sadist…just a cautious man!

  23. OYA O JUST STICK TO ZOBA THIS TIME O IF NOT U’RE DOING URSELF BAD TIN….with this Biola P…how far now? as in…you dont get by now that its dead and buried? pls…its not everytime someone cries and apologises that you accept because it shounds genuine….shit happens….life moves on. She shud forget u n u do the same….shikena…..p.s Your insults are tooooo funny! lolz

  24. Too much funny stuff here… Cuz Chidi though…shocking..

    “Only one woman has ever done such for me.” 🙂

  25. Nobs,you’re just crazy! Damn,you got me glued to my system from start to finish and didn’t spare me some cracked ribs.I especially like the moments with Zoba.I beg you Nobs,this thing with Zoba sounds very beautiful,beg you boy in between your legs not to mess it up.

  26. nobs u really do npt need to focus on the chest region,u r naturally on the chest region lolz…i love what u did to d cuz sha…

  27. Oh~hem~gee!!!:O=))\=D/=D ….

    lmao@ ‘Iti: What are you doing here?

    Nobs: I came to play Ludo, watch cartoon network and have my bath in a real shower.’….served him right!

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