Memoirs Of A SLU…shhkid : Wk 55

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So, the whole of last week I was ill and couldn’t write. I hate Malaria but somehow it finds me once every year.

Thanks to everybody that tweeted at me, called or left me a message. God bless you real good.

Do you know that YOU are the best ever? YOU made all of us at proud! YOU nominated us in 3 categories for the annual Nigerian Blog awards, voted for us and we won two massive awards – “Best Collaborative or Group Blog” and “Best Entertainment Blog”. May God almighty continue to bless and protect you.

We are totally grateful for your love and support. We say Thank you very much.

Friday May 20, 2011.

I don’t know how to say this without sounding silly or under the influence of a prolonged erection. (Talking about functioning under the influence of an erection, did you know that some women are car/house owners today because they requested for such when their victims were under the influence?)

I didn’t plan to spend the night at 4points but at that point I was confused on what to answer. Before I got there, I had a plan; I had planned to take Zoba out to have a good night. You know the normal “soaring” with my boys but when she asked, I was confused for a bit but because I didn’t want to rush her, I answered:

Nobs: I didn’t plan to stay over but if you want me to, I will.

Zoba: You are so sweet and yes, I want you to stay over.

Nobs: Ok but you know I’ve got a hairy chest. I don’t want to scare you.

Zoba: Not to worry Hun, I won’t get scared. I’ll just run my fingers through. There’s nothing like a hairy chest.

That statement did things to me. I looked at her and imagined her well-manicured fingers running down my chest and making me speak languages I didn’t learn.

I tried to speak but my brain couldn’t form the right words or any word for that matter. When I was finally able to speak, I said

Nobs: Thank you for the kind words.

Zoba: You are still as cute

Nobs: and the head got bigger

Zoba: I love it just like that

There and then, my love for her grew a lot bigger and I finally started feeling something deeper. So I decided to pull my mother’s trick

Nobs: Nne, if you were to choose between having a walk-in closet and a bigger kitchen which one would you go for?

Zoba: Gini bu walk-in closet? Is that the one that is “reigning “ here for your Lagos girls?

Why would I choose a closet over a bigger kitchen?

Nobs: No, I was just asking because I’ve met and seen all sorts.

On a serious note, I’ve seen and met all sorts of women. There are “cooking wives”, “Indomie wives” and  “Jevenik wives”.

The “cooking wives” are what most men desire. They are those that go to the market (not just Shoprite o) they go to the likes of SURA, IDDO, OTTO, NEW MARKET and all. They have mortar and pestle. She can prepare different types of soup, not just the ones associated with her hometown but soups as prepared by different tribes in Nigeria.

Some of them can even prepare dinner in heels and are not even tired to make dinner after a hard day at work. The bad news is, there are loads of them out there but men are too busy searching for artificial things to notice them

The “Indomie wives” are the ones that only know how to prepare noodles. They will serve you noodles without meat or anything for breakfast, Noodles and fried egg for lunch and noodles, boiled egg and plantain for dinner. To create a balanced diet, they may start you with plantain for breakfast and serve you “without” for dinner.

There are loads of them out there and sometimes you see them watching the food channel without taking notes. While some of them work hard to improve, some will tell you “ I’ve tried and it’s not happening “

While the “Indomie wife” can cook, the “Jevenik wife’ also known as “fast food wife” cannot cook to save her marriage. She buys everything from Jevenik and goes home to remix it. She buys White rice and stew from Javenik and on getting home; she will boil extra rice so that she can eat the stew for days.

There are a few pointers to recognizing “Jevenik wives”. They love food associated with countries or people like “Thailand”, “China”, “Japan” and so on. They love clothes and in most cases are not even bothered about the food channel.

I was so happy that Zoba presented herself as more interested in having a proper kitchen with little interest in a walk-in closet.

She got off the bed and opened her suitcase

I watched her arrange her toiletries on a table and I thought about asking her to move to mine but on a second thought, that would have made me look desperate.

Zoba: So tell me, why were you so jealous of Chidi?

Nobs: I didn’t like that he was picking on me and I still believe that he does not like me one bit.

Zoba: He was just protecting me. He always does

Nobs: Then the lunch sef. I hope you guys had fun after I left.

Zoba: Not really. The Biola lady felt it was her fault that you left and she wouldn’t stop blaming herself. I think she likes you, it was really obvious.

Nobs: Well, I hope her Amala enjoyed the lunch too.

Zoba: Your mouth needs to be washed. You seem to have names for everybody. So what’s your name for me?

Nobs: Obi’m

Zoba: Are you lying to me or just saying the right thing just to get me into bed.

That was the moment I had been waiting for and looking at her boobs I wanted to say “ I wasn’t lying but at the same time I wouldn’t mind having you in my bed” I couldn’t say it out. There was something different about the moment and there she was, waiting for my answer.

Nobs: Zoba, this may sound new to you or too soon but as a kid, I loved you. I have always wanted to have you for me and me alone. I didn’t know I was ever going to see you again and when I got that call from my mum telling me that you were in Naij, I was surprised and happy. Right now, being in this room alone is good enough and I wouldn’t ask for anything more.

Zoba : Buzor stop

Nobs : I should stop talking or stop loving you ?

Zoba : You are going to make me cry

Nobs : I can stop talking but I can’t stop me from loving you.

Zoba : Give me a sec to join you.

She went ahead to change into her nightgown right there in my presence. I loved what I saw but figured there would be no need to rush.

She joined me under the duvet and it was a very sexy moment

Zoba: Your body is warm

Nobs: You’ve been exposed to the AC but in a bit, you’ll get warm in a bit or are you asking me to warm you up?

Zoba: Do you want to warm me up?

Nobs: Not really. I don’t want to rush you and if not having sex with you is my way of proving how much you mean to me, them I’m ready to do it.

Zoba: Hmmm. Are you serious?

Nobs: Yes and I also want to learn to love you without sex.

Zoba: Are you messing with my head?

Nobs: No

Zoba :I’ve always wanted to ask you. How come you are not married yet?

Nobs: In Lagos, it’s very difficult to get a good woman especially for those of us that are associated with the entertainment industry.

Zoba: So you’ve not seen anybody that you like?

Nobs: I have seen some though, but most of them are still competing with the urinary at The Galleria.

Zoba: You are just silly

Nobs: I once met this girl that I really liked but when I heard that she finds it hard to say no.

Zoba: So she can’t say no to sex?

Nobs: Not just that. Her legs stay “open” longer than Prime Chinese.

Zoba: How long does the Prime Chinese stay open?

Nobs: 24 hours

Zoba: Jesus!!

My phone started ringing and when I checked, it was Biola so I didn’t answer.

The phone kept ringing but I ignored it.

Zoba: Buzor, are you sure you don’t want to take the call?

Nobs: It’s late jor

Zoba: So what’s your plan for us?

Nobs: I want us to date.

Zoba: What about the distance?

Nobs: It’s just flight time and if we put our minds to it, we can do it.

Zoba: Are you sure you really want to do this?

Nobs: Very sure

Zoba: With no sex?

Nobs: Your call but I’m willing to go with no sex

Zoba: Let’s do it

I pulled her in for a kiss and the phone rang again

Zoba: Take the call

I answered the phone

Nobs: Hey

Biola: Are you still at 4Points?

Nobs: Yes

Biola: Please come to the lobby. We need to talk

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!


  1. Ahan ahan!! This Biola can like to spoil activity..sigh* Lmao @ Her legs stay “open” longer than Prime Chinese. Noble nka sef… Smh!

  2. ‎​=))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=)) This biola is just #jonzing! Lobby koor dining nii. Abeg make she shift and go talk to amala joor. Glad you feel much better.

  3. Yaaaay!! Nobs is taken. Ha ha hallelujah. I might just like Zoba. Biola should dress biko ah ah. Ladies, see how this young man has throw way all the keles that were warming his bed for someone that he has not even touched. He is even willing to go without to prove he wants her. Once again o, no amount of acrobatics can make a man want you. On the same hand, lack of bedroom salsa will not turn away a man that really wants you.

    Nobs, high 5. I hope this works out. Just tell Biola that you are taken eh Nna, move on with someone who is not so ready to give you her jewels without a commitment.

  4. Sorry abt d malaria & good to know u are fine. U shouldn’t have picked d call,d best was to switch it off. Plsss do not spoil this moment wit Zoba for ur own good.

  5. Nobs, glad to av u back…av u tot of hu will takia of u wen she returns to yankee or has she come to marry finally ni? Oga tink 2ce oh…don’t dull, d devil u know is berra dan d angel u don’t know…biola mite be a bad geh, buh she’s ready to change……sosa

  6. waited 2 weeks for half gist…..:-(……well so i dont sound like a selfish fan…get well soon…pls post this weeks own on thurs!

  7. Yaaay my Noble is back and better! Ehen this is just the way I like my memoirs. Good start, even better finish. But what is wrong with this Biola of a girl sef? She should find somewhere very far away to park abeg. Enemy of progress. Hiisssssssssss.

  8. Nobs,abeg stop punishing us jare…
    All these unfinished bizness..
    So dat I dnt sound wicked,sori abt d malaria..get much beta n fast!
    We nid in full form o!! Gud read tho…

  9. Congratulations on the awards,congrats team360nobs,you guys are the best. Keep doing your thin,the sky is your springboard.
    I wish you speedy recovery Nobs,don’t get sick again o.
    Hmmn,I learnt a thing or two from this. You’re a star.
    Zoba sounds like a beautiful lady inside out,I pray it works out for you guys.
    Pls keep them gists coming. 😉

  10. =Dlaffº˚˚°º≈wanº˚˚°º≈tamperº≈with˚˚°º≈myº˚˚°º≈swaggerº˚˚°º≈ =))

    Biola na show stopper mehn but u sef dey find trouble. Tis best u tell her off am sure Okafors law will take its course if need be. But dis new Zoba am rily liking.

    Good to have u back from Malaria

  11. Gen gen* curtain draws*
    Now this is suspense. Cld noble igwe have found his duchess or is this just another spankr.
    Watch out!!
    Awww Nobs so good uz beta, nd we hpe u stay on ur feet. Am curios tho, do u keep sme walking diary or ur just a walking memory

  12. Nobs? Long distance relationship? Naaaah the two don’t rhyme.zoba should be ready to keep a life size version of her boobs in ur room to keep u in for biola,pls tell her to kindly go and have a \___

  13. No ooooooo……kai ds biola ehn, she can like 2 spoil gud tins, biko hope u told her 2 bug off?? Can’t wait 4 d nxt Post already *dancing pakurumo* lol.Sorry bout d malaria dear

  14. am hapi 4 u nobs but u shuld let all dem biola and co jare and face ur life and start a beta rshipand make u mum hapi pls … all d best

  15. Hahaha….”Indomie wives…jevnick wives”…e ya gbu mmadu!

    So u want to date zoba….ngwanu k’anyi na elezi onye ike ga gu!

  16. Eh ya!! Its getn interestn!! But I thnk u shld tread carefully sha! Zoba or biola?? U decide bt sometimes an angel U dnt know is better than the devil u know! BTW, sorry abt d malaria! Hope you’re fully ok nw!!

  17. LOL @ the different types of women.
    Please tell Zoba about Biola before biola spoils things for u,tho I don’t think Zoba is ‘the woman’

  18. ehnn ehnnnnnnnn! (pulling my ears), noble, noble, noble, how may times did i call you? the picture of Zoba u ve painted is a very beautiful one. she comes across as a very nice and decent lady, Odikwa risky, if you don’t intend to get serious with her, then u re playing with fire. Please, biko, think about it very well before making any decision. it wouldn’t be nice to make her fall in love with you and den start donating your sperm to all the girls in lasgidi. so be sure she is the ONE and be sure u re ready to give up Biola, Slim, etc for her, and if you think you are a leopard that can never change its spots, abeg park well well but wherever you park, make sure its far away from Zoba. remember, karma is a bitch.

    and the thot of Noble not giving us any memoirs after marriage makes me want to have a heart attack, lool. abeg memoirs must continue, its just that this time around, it would be memoirs of a married Noble. lmao. don’t mind my epistle.

  19. biko noble, what is going on with the 360 date? you didnt update us on who gbemi, oreka and toolz chose.
    btw i hope u knw u owe us 2weeks update on memoirs?

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