JAZZ: Life For Sale

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I feel like I’m always apologizing for not writing regularly, come to think of it a lot of the writers on this site do that a lot (yes Nobz I’m talking to you). Dear Reader I apologize once again for my tardiness. Before we go on please read the Disclaimer, it is very important that you do

*Disclaimer: I am 150% sober and in full control of my sanity, please note that sanity is relative and I’ve come to learn that what I consider normal is not necessarily in line with the general consensus*

This is not so much an article as an appeal. Yes the mighty Jazz is asking for your assistance. Trust me this was not an easy decision. When I informed the Minister of silly people (my boss) of my decision to come to you for help he was appalled. Well pride goes before a fall, so here it goes. I am no longer interested in living my life and I am looking to sell the rights to this earthly body to the highest bidder. Please come and buy me. No I do not mean for sexual favors *rolling my eyes* let’s try to keep our minds clean.

What don’t you understand? Fine let me rephrase it. I have been controlling the affairs of my body for the past 21 years (technically it is more like 5 no thanks to my parents) and I no longer wish to. The deal is you pay me “X” amount of money and I’ll let you run my life. If you say jump I’ll jump. Yes it is that simple. A few days ago someone who shall remain unnamed told me in no certain terms how terrible a job I was doing at living my life. All through that conversation I had to mutter the words “Thou shall not kill” to refrain from stabbing that Good Samaritan in the heart.

I listened patiently and then as soon as she was done I said “Sorry oh but I thought my life belonged to me and not you?” Now before you go all “you’re a b***h and that was uncalled for” on me, consider the following. My birth certificate says Jazz (No, it doesn’t but just play along) and not *Insert Good Samaritan’s name here* Last time I checked only one person has a say in my life and that person is me. Of course no man/woman (for the feminists reading this) is an Island or law unto himself, but neither is my life a garbage bin where you dump your refuse.

Come to think of it am I the only one that finds it annoying when someone continually tells you how they think you ought to live your life? I find that Nigerians are the world’s biggest culprits perhaps we have the “oversabi” gene in excess. The worst part is these people are usually not even close friends or relatives but the ones floating in the outer recesses of your life. The way I see it butting into my life is an occupation strictly reserved for my parents *sigh* simply because they contributed to my gene pool and my fam (fam here means close friends).

However I’ve found that enforcing this rule is a tad bit difficult, let’s face it common sense is rather rare. This is why I have decided to sell the rights to my Life to the highest bidder. Since you are going to continually make creative inputs into the way I run what I assumed was my life then I deserve some sort of compensation. Money will do. So here we go; I know I am no Bill Gates and my value to the world may not make a dent in the ocean, but wouldn’t you like your own “Mugu?” You’ll get a real life human being to manage whatever way you please? Tempting isn’t it?

We will open the bidding at 2million pounds (I am worth a lot more but I know your pockets are not that endowed) so this is me being considerate. As soon as my banker confirms that payment has been made, I shall personally deliver myself to your doorstep and say to you “Sire your wish is my command”. If for whatever reason (poverty) you cannot afford to buy into the bid and you do not fall into the category of “Fam” I fear that you may die a painful death if you henceforth attempt to run commentaries on my life.

Do remember that there is such a thing as “unwelcomed amebo/who send you/abeg na you born me”. Sometimes (more than 90% of time) it is better to keep your opinions on other people’s lives to yourself (except of course if they are of the celebrity clan, those ones threw away the license to their lives ages ago). If you feel someone is going drastically wrong get on your knees and say a prayer. Jesus cares Jazz really can’t be bothered (except of course if large sums of money are involved).

Please place a bid in the comments section of this page. NO you cannot price me this Dear Readers is not Balogun market. Thanks for reading, till we meet again do have an “I shall not chook mouth” day.

Signed Jazz; Perm Secretary Ministry of Silly people.

 

Jazz

Jazz

A word that best describes me is “complicated”. Love music n addicted to Lagos radio. Confuses fiction with reality, so I strongly advise u take anything I say with a pinch of salt. Blood bleeds Red n Black. Man United - Do not test me. When I die I’d like to have “Here Lies Greatness” on my tombstone. Cocky much, Naughty much, Silly much. That is all.

10 comments

  1. Dear Jazz, withdraw this offer – I can’t afford to let you fall into the wrong hands. I might be forced to kill to retrieve you.

  2. 2 million pounds? but why would I wanna pay some huge amount of money to buy u and if not for sexual favors *boning face* abeg o #MoneyCannotWaste jor

  3. My rof! As an igbo girl ,d no pricing rule does not apply to me.nice article tho! *nw praying with u*

  4. Dear Jazz,
    When is the bid closing?
    Also, I will like you to confirm if par-adventure this bid does not end as planned, will you be thrown into
    the ‘SALES Market’ in Dugbe?
    And lastly, can you pls denounce your membership of ‘People leaving in my head’ once you’re ‘SOLD OUT’
    Thanks a million and I look forward to receiving my own share of the ‘Jazzified Cake’

    Signed
    Life For Rent Minister

  5. Hehehehehe… Jazz can I get you on hire-purchase until I can raise the complete amount??
    I swear you are just plain crazy…smh. I’ll buy you and ask you to give me my money back when I get control of you.

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