Coco’s Chronicles: Dear Future Husband

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Dear future husband,

The girls and I can’t wait to be Mrs to our husbands. Personally, I have my fantasies, but then this is naija, fantasies hardly become reality. So, I’ll just allow love happen and you know …be true to you forever. This is what you gotta know sha:

Dear future Mr Coco, first things first, make money. Real, legal, honest money. You know you have to buy good things for the kids and pay their fees. And you also have to buy my expensive perfumes and cool dresses. You don’t have to be drop dead gorgeous or fine or anything out of a sexy underwear ad, but be good looking. Compliment your face with good dressing. I’m a screenwriter and I’m going to be in the entertainment industry for long, so please have a good dress sense. Abeg no go disgrace me for public event, if you do, na just once we go go event together.

Talk less and act more, let other women be jealous of what I’ve got. Most importantly babe, please, wherever you are, learn how to ‘do‘ very well; You have to be excellent in bed. I heard Ilesa boys are good, so u can take up lessons and become wonderful before we become husband and wife.

I know you’re going to love your mom, I mean I want my son to love me, but please let your mom be your mom and coco your wife. She shouldn’t multitask and take decisions in our home; And if you like, let her do just that and I will let her do all the things a wife should do. You’ll tell me if your mother can take my place in bed.

I’m not asking you to be a total western oriented man, but then don’t expect me to go all traditional. Like, pound yam everyday because that’s your bestfood or lose weight because I keep running back and forth for your demands. I have a nice body, maybe not the nicki minaj perfect booty and kim kardashian sexy ass figure, but I clean up well, I  have boobs to die for, I have lips that you’ll never grow tired of kissing and I have straight long legs that I intend to wrap round you while we make sweet love and you give it to me all night.

So baby, baby, baby, how many times did I call you? Do not, I repeat, do not, make a mistake of crushing on another woman. Or stare at her for too long. I am the bone of your bone, be content! Love our kids and be close to them. Let them know what it feels like to have a daddy and not just a father and let them miss you whenever you guys are a second apart.

Love God, pray, we need Him to keep our relationship/family going. I am your help meet not your head, so don’t let it cross your mind that I’ll pay the bills in the house. I can help, don’t make it my responsibility.

Ehn ehn, this one you MUST do; drop all your best female pals before I say “I do“. You have from now until our wedding day to do that. So you can start the goodbyes now. Because once I say “I do” I become your best female pal.

One last thing, my dear do not come down here not believing in gifts and valentine. I intend to shower you with all the gifts in the world anytime I think of you, which is every second. So Mr coco, believe in gifts! If you do not, you’ll meet me in the bedroom.

I love you to pieces, the bible says you’re my head and that you’ll always be. I’ll love you for the rest of my life, be your woman everyday, do all you ask of me, obey you and adore you. Come quick abeg!

Dear future Mr Reanne, Reanne wonders where you are, what you’re doing and why you’re not here yet. Take the next available flight and get your ass down here. Here’s what Reanne has to say

Be God fearing honey, me I like church o and I’ve had enough of bad boys. Besides, I need a man my children can emulate and whom I won’t have to caution every-time.

I’m not the type of girl that will understand a stingy man. Spend the money, if you don’t, I’ll steal it from your wallet or ATM or something and spend it on behalf of you. Also, anytime you ask me to lend you money, make sure you return it! Because lending is very different from dashing.

Please no funny accent in your English language. I don’t want to have to talk for you in public. Sweetheart, don’t rush down here having the mentality of “an indoor wife” I like going out. I like having fun, if you don’t know how to do that now, LEARN! Because we just have to spice the marriage up.

Please have a good sense of humour. I don’t want to be scared when I crack a joke(hoping you won’t get the wrong idea) neither do I want to have to explain every joke to you. That’ll b tiring my love and I don’t have that type of time. Being a wife is work enough, I don’t intend to add “joke explanation” to my resume. If you have to drink, be wise about it. Drink healthily, do not come home wasted or reeking of alcohol.

Appreciate women, but please do not go further than that. My whole body is yours and that MUST be the only one you’ll always adore. I am waiting dear husband and I give you till end of this year to appear. I love you to pieces baby.

Giselle has this to say to her dear future husband:

Dear husband, since I already know who you are, continue to stay sexy for me my sexy beast and I’ll continue to beat myself into shape for you. Even though you haven’t proposed, I have said yes in advance. Be fast about it sha. By God I’ll make you proud by being a good mother to our three kids, wife, confidant and sister to you. A good, obedient, reasonable wife by day and a nutty woman to you in the night in our love shack.

I know you’re responsible, loving with great potentials of being a breadwinner and a great daddy. Do not ever try of cheating, don’t let me ever find lipstick stains on your shirt and don’t even try to hug women with strong colognes so you wouldn’t have to explain when you get home. I have faith in you that you wouldn’t do that sha, but then you know better than to try that sef, so no point
begging you not to.

I’m going to love your family so babe, so must you. I can’t wait for our future to start, may God bless you for me.

From Enitan to Mr Enitan:

I love you and that’s why I married you and committed my life to you. So, you must never take me for granted. NEVER! I’ve always fantasized about a white man but then my mom would die of heart attack so please be nigerian and preferably Yoruba …ok, it could be any tribe.

I’ll let you marry another wife, yes na, don’t be surprised. You can have another wife. On one condition though, you’ll have that wife when you’re 85 and when I must have double checked I’m your next of kin and everything still belongs to me.

My friends say I’m a workaholic and all. So when I marry you, instead of working 24hours, I’ll work 20 hours. Yes ke. And note that family is work, so you’re part of the 20hours. I love romance and even though I might not show it every-time, I intend to tire you with it the times I do. Buy me chocolates and flowers, write on our bedroom mirror with my lipstick that you love me. Yes now, Hollywood movie style.

Please don’t tell me you can’t do it, you have to o! I can multitask, yep, so I can be replying a mail from work while you’re kissing me. But then be warm enough to kiss me so well, I’ll forget what work is and drop the phone. This is important, I have been waiting my whole
life to make love, so Mr man, make it worth my while!!! Don’t disappoint me abeg. I don’t require so much from you, all I want is
for you to love and care for me, be my motivator, my head and a place I’ll always call home. In turn, I’ll love you, dedicate my life to you, obey you, be your help, meet and be all you ask for in a wife. PS: don’t rush down here, take your time abeg. I’m not in a hurry.

So dear future husbands, we are waiting!

Coco

Coco

I’m a totally simple, sweet, funny down to earth girl. Extremely fun and nothing of an introvert. I’m so much into writing, I don’t have enough space left in my heart to love something else. I’m addictive and you’re not likely to let go once you know me. Twitter handle, @tomilola_coco

17 comments

  1. Mike mike!dese are letters to ‘future husbands’ so of cos it’ll be all bout deir wants now *rme* even d side chick u want to call has her own letter n I bet it doesn’t say mike brng ur clothes to me everyday n ill wash em.hehehe.nice read tho..my own letter….ha!

  2. Letter to future husband? Pfft una go old sha… Maybe gettin Married at 40 and featuring in a future u didn’t picture..I no dey swear 4 una sha sha..but focus

  3. Nice to know ladies like this even thpugh some expectations are on the high side.I hope you will be able to meet your future husband’s ‘dear future wife’ criteria.lol

  4. Hello Ladies. Quick question; All these things u’re talking abt here, switch it around. No man wants a wife who’ll be admiring other men (and believe me, we know. Some smart ones among us, at least). No man wants a wife who’ll not be able to keep up with them intellectually and financially. No man wants a woman who’s super expensive to maintain, and one that likes money. No man wants a woman that’s not God fearing (or whatever that means). No man wants a woman who’l be auditing him like the lady in ‘Why did I get Married too”. No man wants a stalker for a wife – or someone that doesn’t trust him. So, the question I pose to you ladies, after all your beautiful letters, is: Are YOU the Person that the PERSON YOU’RE LOOKING FOR Is Looking FOR?

  5. y r we always so narrowminded down here.dese ladies if u read btw d lines al dey askin4is total commitment wit some tweaks here n dere none of dem ask 2b tkn 2 Paris on hols/Venice 4d honeymoon dey jus wnt u b dere infact dey askin u2luk good so as too flaunt u.if u cant buy gifts4ur wyf den save ur money n go buy a wyf 4rm ur village God

  6. Gals, dnt you worry, I sure those future MRs are reading these right now and believe they will comply…lol

  7. Just cant stop laffing.Nice one frm u guyz.”u can av a second wife @85″what 4??Lolz..I just cant stop reading dis piece ova nd ova…Dnt tell me its coz NOBS wrote a letter 2 his future wife dats y u guyz came up wiv urz 2.Nyways its all gud.Well written though

  8. @Mike: bet she’ll be waiting with her letters
    @misstang:lmao. I wish I could read ur own letter too
    @ganjafarmer: u’re forgiven 🙂
    @sparks: nice letters, yea?
    @oyeakd:lol
    @tyson: ok. Noted
    Tobidosh: we are really working on that. Praying and hoping we will. 😀

  9. @ceejay john Nweke: its an appeal. We aren’t asking for perfect men. And yes we are constantly working on being who our future husbands want in their future wives 🙂
    @phummie: lmao
    @sherif: they had beta comply, lol 😀
    @slimfish: lol. I’m going to read NOBS letter to his future wife now!!

  10. coco, i luv it. marry anoda wife at 85. ki lo de? na d blue pill go kill am sharp-sharp. am writing to Mrs mayor. now

  11. …this is breathtakingly hilarious!…we have always been taught that some things we wish don’t usually work out the way we expect them to: this is definitely one of them!…enough said!

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