We know you guys are still up in heaven, waiting for us to meet your dads, do the necessary things and bring you down here. Don’t worry, we’re working on it. Personally, I can’t wait to have my little Coco down here. Now here is what we want you guys to know
Little Coco, mommy loves you so very much and so she wants you to know this, take your studies seriously. Pass your WAEC and UME and all the other exams that are required to get into the university at once, because I don’t intend to register you in a special center or pay ridiculous amount of money for any result.
I know you are likely to have beautiful boobs like your mom, so stay off boys and uncles that have twitter handles like @iloveboobs, @boobman and all other boob related handles. It’s okay for you to love Lil Wayne & Wiz Khalifa’s songs and every other rap artiste that sags and have tattoos all over their body but I do not, I repeat, DO NOT want to see those type of boys around you in real life.
Internet TV may have replaced DSTV, HITV and other satellite TVs by the time you’re grown, but don’t worry I’m pretty sure you’ll still get to watch Fashion Police, Style network and all the other style stations. I’m saying this because I do not want to see pattern over pattern in your wardrobe, animal prints that don’t work and funny colours worn together.
You are allowed to like Rihanna, but please do not like her sex life or the “rude girl” she’s turned into. I’m biased on this one – love MI and the whole Choc Boiz crew. I bet they’ll still be making good music by the time you’re grown (I intend to play their songs during all your birthday parties sef).
Take your English class seriously and know your pronunciations, I don’t want to hear you call itching “ishing” (like I heard one girl this afternoon) or pronounce the last letter in duvet. I haven’t met your dad yet, so we haven’t decided on your schools but I promise you they’ll be very good ones.
Do not speak heavily accented English and please don’t place “h” where it shouldn’t be. I love you honey and I know you’ll be very
bright. Naija is a good country but I’ll understand if you want to run away (me your mama sef don dey tink am) I can’t wait to meet you and shower you with the best things in the world. And yes, don’t form what you’re not and don’t form stupid American accent when everyone knows your parents are obviously Nigerians. Won o gbodo ran e wa ile o. Ehn ehn!
From REANNE to little REANNE
Your cute mom says this, little Reanne and I quote (I added my own sha o)
I love you so much already and if not for the stupid bad boys I am surrounded with, I for don born you this year. I’m working on meeting your dad sha. Don’t worry, he’ll be everything you want in a father. I intend to provide adequately for you, so be content with your own things and don’t “obtain” other people’s stuff like some girls I know and I have refused to mention.
Also, don’t beg for recharge cards or BIS money from boys! If I hear that ehn, you’ll be terribly dealt with. You are allowed to explore, but do not distribute your kitty around town, Yorubas call it Animashaun. Virginity is a cool thing though and it’s safer to be a virgin. I’m already compiling a list of “independent” songs for you, because I want you to become an independent girl. Songs on playlist include – Neyo’s Miss Independent, Jamie Foxx’ She Got Her Own, Destiny Child’s Independent Woman, Beyonce’s Run The World. Waiting earnestly for the release of more independent songs. These songs are meant to inspire you and make you want to make your money.
I no wan hear say you dey chase yahoo boy for money o. I love you honey, you can tell me anything and I promise to always be there for you like your grandma was and is there for me. Can’t wait to meet you!
NB: please have boobs. Don’t rush down here without that! I will not forgive you if you do!
If I were you little Reanne, I’ll take my mom serious on the last line.
Dear little Giselle, I’m sending you this from your sexy mother. She says and I quote (and I add my own)
I have been waiting my whole life to meet you baby and I can’t wait for that beautiful morning, afternoon, evening or night that you’ll pop out and make me one of the happiest mums in the world. This world is harsh honey and Nigeria is harsher, no I am not trying to scare you, I’m only preparing you.
I need you to have a lot of traits from my family, specifically the good ones (pick the others from your dad’s family, mine is important sha). Be sexy like your mommy, be brainy like your aunty (my sister that is), be understanding like your uncle (my brother), be sharp like your grandpa (my lovely father) and be humble like your grandma (my mommy). Be fly like your father and make sure your boyfriend is finer than him. Don’t bring ugly boy home o!
When others are reaching for the stars, whip your hair (like willow smith) and reach for something farther. Roses are red, violets are blue if I find a poor man in your bed, I’m going to kill you! Omo mi, line up and fight for big ass in heaven. Collect it plenty, let it stand out like your aunt’s.
Don’t follow men with nicknames like sure boy or the international boy toh badt. I have my reasons o! and don’t believe you’re too smart to learn anything because my dear you are not. Google! Always be ready to learn more and listen. If you argue with me, I’ll give you ifoti toh gbona! Because, no matter the tushness, I’m still a Yoruba girl to the core. Don’t make an attempt at any international accent if you can’t speak it o!
Dear little Enitan, your badass mom says to you and I quote (and add jara)
I’d love to tell you that I love your father, that’s the reason I married him. You can’t be born out of wedlock, so we planned you (gan ni o. because if it was possible, I’ll have done it alone. Okunrin o gbadun). I would encourage you start dating early (and I don’t mean in primary school or early teenage years) so you can get your heart broken in time and then get stronger with time.
I hope we are close so that you can confide in me. (You will want to sef, naija boys are hmmm…let me shut up) I love you so much and I can’t wait to get everything settled so I can meet you, I’ll do anything within my power for you, that is to say, you can’t love your father more than me. If you do, gbege go shele.
I won’t tell you not to let boys touch you or let you touch them. Virginity is good and priceless, if you keep your kitty cat intact till marriage you’ll feel good. But then, if you want to have a good sex life before marriage, no problem. The earlier the better sha, because there are some styles I hear you need months to learn.
Honey, never be afraid to fall in love, it’s the one thing that’s for sure. Also, don’t be scared to get your heart broken, it only makes you stronger.
You can be anything you want to be – an architect, a doctor, a writer, a director… anything. I won’t interfere in your life but by force you must be a prefect. I wasn’t one and so my daughter must be one. Head girl preferably. Please graduate with a 1st class my dear; you must o because I topped my class but awon aye (i.e lecturers) didn’t allow me your mother graduate with one.
PS: You have to be better than me, it’s not by force but it’s a challenge because I am really good. I look forward to meeting you my love, I love you endlessly already. Mwah!
We want you guys to be friends future daughters, continue from where your mothers are