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DUEts is strictly for the fans in the month of June. I have co-written my posts with five ladies – one a week. The stories may be made up, but the views are real.

One thing I will say though is, I had amazing fun doing this. In no particular order, many thanks  to pHisayo, Chidinma, Mateely, Roli and my cousin M.E.

I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.




One of my Ex’s has a rash. A scaly, itchy stretch of rash bought prime property on his psyche and is erecting what is looking a lot like permanent structures. I know because he’s acting like a brother with an itch to scratch.

You know how you suddenly wake up mentally in the middle of life and help yourself to a generous slap for having been a fool over one thing or the other? Well, this particular Ex mostly inspires this generous self inflicted slap especially on days when I get sudden flashes of the times he’s Sodded me off…I cringe, literally wince.

So, imagine how much more generous I’m having to be with that slap, when his current (and I use the word loosely) girlfriend told me that said Ex doesn’t want us to be F-R-I-E-N-D-S.  I’m like; HUH?? In this century? Never mind that the ‘girlfriend’ and I met before he strolled into town. Although,to be fair ‘girlfriend’ and Ex didn’t meet via me or through me or around me but when he found out about my relationship with ‘girlfriend’ was when his rash claimed more land space. 

I mean who sends a message via a ‘girlfriend’ i now hardly talk to?!?  Didn’t they throw that pre-Dino rule out with the ice age? Can’t he be man enough to realize that the reason he is an Ex is because he is out of my books and i got a different fish from the wide ocean to deal with.

That’s just one example of how Exs Sod Us.



Just recently I almost doused myself with Jet A1 fuel, not because I planned on flying anywhere, but because I know that kind of fuel does not need much heat to burn. And burn brightly too.

I was in the middle of a family misunderstanding when it became revealed that my next Ex girlfriend (a word I find I use loosely these days) was “drawing strength” off the shoulders of her Ex-boyfriend.

They had parted ways under not-so-pleasant circumstances, and they both seemed fine with going their separate ways. Along came Franque and months later said Ex starts hounding her with calls. In fairness to her, she did not appear to want to give him the time of day and would most likely not spit on him if he was on fire. But being an omo boy, I felt that was rather harsh and suggested that she be polite to him the next time he called, and to also politely ask him to stay the fc:uk out of her life.

Try, if you may, to imagine my shock when it came to light that they had been in communication since then to the point where he suggests she looks at wedding rings and send him photos; and upon being asked about this sudden twist in our tale, all she had to say for herself was “Shebi, it was you who said I should be nice to him?”

She ain’t blonde, but she just asked me to shut up or Sod off!




Ex number (who cares enough to count?) is getting married. Good for him, great for her, but it doesn’t end there.

He hounds me, and begs me to be at the wedding as he presses the invite into my right hand. I open it, hopping to find a reason not to attend, (even if its an excuse like “ah sorry, your chosen color scheme doesn’t complement my complexion, my style guru would die at the horror”) and there it was! The wedding holds in Zaria, Kaduna state.

I had another “HUH???” Moment. He wants me to travel – at my expense no less – from Lasgidi to Kada to watch him get married?

He seemed quite perturbed when I told him I wouldn’t be attending.

Never mind the fact that this same Ex was getting married four months after I called off the relationship because I was sick of his “I’m not ready yet, I don’t have the right job…” excuse.

At that moment I got a sudden moment of clarity as to why it didn’t work out between the goon and I. He must have thought I had cotton for brains. Exs take us for mules and expect a jolly ride too much for the Sodding off to be happenstance.

My list of examples is long. Too long in fact and I’m beginning to suspect that there’s a secret code all men get soon as they get off that ship from Mars.

I’m sure the code would be hardcover, Gilt-edged and marked “The Ex-code”.



I have never hidden my love for weddings. Marriage is another matter altogether. I almost tried it once, and quite frankly, I think I dodged a bullet with that one.

I also love women. I love women so much, it would seem I put myself out there to be snagged – no hardwork or coyness required on the woman’s part. I have learnt to approach relationships with an objective mindset. If it works, it works; if it doesn’t, no need getting all fired up about it. You move on and, if the woman desires, you stay friends.

So it was not much of a surprise when recently I got an invite from an Ex to attend her wedding. No problem. As per usual, I check the venue – no point wondering what to wear if the venue was inaccessible. It was in Bayelsa. I had met and dated her during my service year in Kano, but she had returned home to Yenagoa soon after.

With more than a month’s notice I had taken time off work and made the trip.

At the reception, I shake hands warmly with the groom, then hug the bride who holds me a little longer as she whispers in my ear “I see what you are doing with my Maid of Honour and that other girl at your table. I see you flirting with them. Let me tell you, one is my husband’s cousin and the other is my childhood friend. Whatever you plan to do, don’t do it.” Then she gives me a quick peck and turns to the next well wisher.

Is it not bad enough that she asked me to sod off way back when? She has to extend the Sodding off to her wedding!

So maybe there is a “Code of Conduct” manual made in Venus, hard-backed and written on soft pink paper with drawings of roses on the covers and at the top corners of each page, drawn so beautifully and expertly to mask the thorns. But what should I care?

Beautiful women have always held an attraction for me and I love everybody; those ladies were next. After all, I took time off work, paid my air fare to Portharcourt, sat in the cab to Yen, and was attending a wedding jeje when these ladies hit on me. In my mind, that is fair recompense for my troubles, no?

PS: There are a lot of humans with no conscience. The fields of relationships are strewn with people like that. No regret for breaking your heart – not unless they get shafted themselves, then the crocodile tears start.

If you have fought, loved and lost, all you can do now is walk tall and and tell the Exs to go sod themselves.

This DUEt has been with pHisayo. You can also check out her stuff at




"Franque is in aviation, which by the way is not his job, just a lifestyle. If he ever kept a diary it would read like his articles will. Unfortunately he doesn't. Scratch that. He didn't.AIRtiquette is a walk in his shoes. Since regular isn't in his vocabulary, brace yourself for a bit of airwalking!" Follow @franque_521 on twitter.


  1. Finally its up,I had to read it twice to get the banter though *call me an Olodo if you like* but twas quite interesting,almost like i was sitting in the room with both HIM and HER playing Good Cop,Bad Cop.

  2. Still reeling with lafta @ her excuses for not wanting to attend the wedding ala “your chosen color scheme doesn’t complement my complexion, my style guru would die at the horror” but chei,the guy get liver O! to invite you come d wedding @ dat distance for that matter. *Now heading to for an added fix. 😀

  3. Abeg, I for like ask, How does a plea to be nice and unrude (if there’s a word like that) turn to a ground of permission to check out rings and even discuss marriage? SHIO. Wonders shall never cease. She may as well have been “nice” enuf to him to bear him a football team for kids *SmH*

  4. Why is d bride being a Dog in a manger? Shebi,she is off the market, why she still dey wan giv you close-marking again unto the other ladies? Green-eyed monster called JEALOUSY is a bascard, instead make she face her newly-married husband,mscheeeeeeeeeew. My Chairman, groove on jare,no b ya fault say NA U BE FINE BOY!

  5. I dont blame the poor girl as i dnt know how her story with you (franque ) played out. you might have been cheating on her all d while you guys were dating or might have generally treated her bad and as both girls are close to her she warns you so dey dont go through wat she did. Though am not saying she was right to give the warning am only saying deres shuld be a logical reason behind her soing so.
    dat said franque abeg na so u fine reach? 2girls at d same time?

  6. Another Friday guys and we r thankful. iSpy wiv my eyes 2 new *commenters!
    @ Mateely: thanx. That’s my pHisayo. Glad u enjoyed this post;
    @ VM: again thanx. There are four more DUEts b4 the month ends;
    @ D_Mist: glad you like(d) it. Anything for ur readin pleasure;
    @ Shio: iCome n wonder sef o;
    @ Sisi: u raised valid points there o. As for my looks, iPromise u, if u ever wound up in the same place wiv me, iWill not rate a 2nd look – except to laugh at;
    @ Ijay: thanx o;
    @ O_Oghene: glad u like(d) it.
    @ Everyone else: a fresh DUEt every Friday in the month of June

  7. Kai, had to read it twice as well… Its funny tho, and I can totally relate to the first story… Beautiful word play, and stories as well about how the ex sod us… They can all do something we can’t, :* our asses…

  8. Lol.. Beaurriful piece. U guys share a mind or sum’n?! :S …the word plays here are AWESOME!!! Jiz! Dear Phisayo, u gat style. iLike! ….as for Franque, I done praise u tire already! 😛

  9. @ dear eMaJean: can u imagine that iAlmost missed ur comment?! Ageg com n help me ask dis bride o!
    @ Nengie: thanx. Ur words mean a lot to us – pHisayo n i;
    @ AngelBunny: u know my fear of kolo(ing) is the only reason we haven’t sent out those invites. We will talk about this union when we see in ‘booj;
    @ Unum: Gratias;
    @ Nena: it never gets old, iPromise u. pHisayo is preenin iPromise

  10. Gosh! Frank now I know how you feel. Thanks for reading us people, feels good to look at the story though your eyes and see the fresh colors and angles your experiences add to the story. Thanks again…

  11. @Sisi – Don’t mind my cousin jo, he is a FINE boy, in fact, he is a FOINE boy jare! If you take his word for it, your heart might actually skip a beat when you do meet him so yes, it is his fineness that led to two babes hitting on him. That, and he is actually quite charming.

    As for the write-up, y’all did an excellent job. pHisayo, I like how you captured your emotions in the “Her”s, I could feel the annoyance myself.
    Franque… well, you already know.
    Thumbs up!

  12. I see images.. when i read and see images, it means the piece of work is either engaging, topical, contraversial or pedagogical.. the first thing that arrested me was the title.. EX SOD US.(OFF).. you know WE can get a 13 episode sitcom out of this? Anyhowz, well-done pHIsayo, and to you too frankco

  13. @ M.E: why u wan blow my cover nau? U kno the score, ba? U r week 4, so don’t go on vacation then o!
    @ Jonni: Thanx a lot for ur comment. iHowever may need to relocate to an encarta dictionary if u will continue lyk this. All said, thanx for the love y’all

  14. @Jonni, bros, I would be shocked to bits if the “13 episode…” Comment didn’t feature. LMAO! See how you blew your own cover all by yourself? You were a regular “Jonni” till you betrayed your ‘Film Director’ bent. @ Honi, but Croc why do you think I have a permanent headache these days? The thing is a very Pedagogical something… *I know I’m dead*

  15. stupid 360nobs hasnt been opening on my phone for a week mstchew i’m so mad ok that being said this is amazing as always great team up i must say. Although i’m crossing all crossable parts now praying i dont read something ”familiar” before this saga ends

  16. @ VM: *standin tall, but whisperin* sod off too;
    @ Neefemi: iHope they don’t disappoint;
    @ pHisayo: was that “Dear John”? It all kinda makes sense now…
    @ Stranger: U myt need to borrow some more parts to cross. #SedTooMuch;

  17. *deep sigh* ok I guess it was kinda a lot to hope for but then ur writing is so gud I won’t deprive myself of the joy I get reading it just to soothe my pride (hoping after these lovely words u will reconsider *now peeking between fingers that previously covered my eyes during the rendition and adding a sheepish smile hehe)

  18. LMAO.”all she had to say for herself was “Shebi, it was you who said I should be nice to him?”…

    Nice Article

  19. *1 hour standing ovation* As always. Phisayo got me laughing ril hard 4 d rizn not 2 attend. 9ce 1 guys. Cnt w8 4 d oda pieces.

  20. Mtchewww…late again, this is becomming a habit…
    Phranque and phisayo(cough,cough) great read; d complexion excuse killed me, gotta try it sometime….

  21. @ Stranger: u remember how u called me Schatzi? And iCalled u Sunshyn? It means iKnow u;
    @ Abido: talk about a bad excuse being better than none;
    @ Mz_Switz: iAm glad u like;
    @ Kay: Let’s remind each other about Friday on Friday then *wink*

  22. franqe wow are so darn good.@her love u already.will be checking ur page.looking forward to it had a good laugh

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