DUEts is strictly for the fans in the month of June. I have co-written my posts with five ladies – one a week. The stories may be made up, but the views are real.
One thing I will say though is, I had amazing fun doing this. In no particular order, many thanks to pHisayo, Chidinma, Mateely, Roli and my cousin M.E.
I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.
One of my Ex’s has a rash. A scaly, itchy stretch of rash bought prime property on his psyche and is erecting what is looking a lot like permanent structures. I know because he’s acting like a brother with an itch to scratch.
You know how you suddenly wake up mentally in the middle of life and help yourself to a generous slap for having been a fool over one thing or the other? Well, this particular Ex mostly inspires this generous self inflicted slap especially on days when I get sudden flashes of the times he’s Sodded me off…I cringe, literally wince.
So, imagine how much more generous I’m having to be with that slap, when his current (and I use the word loosely) girlfriend told me that said Ex doesn’t want us to be F-R-I-E-N-D-S. I’m like; HUH?? In this century? Never mind that the ‘girlfriend’ and I met before he strolled into town. Although,to be fair ‘girlfriend’ and Ex didn’t meet via me or through me or around me but when he found out about my relationship with ‘girlfriend’ was when his rash claimed more land space.
I mean who sends a message via a ‘girlfriend’ i now hardly talk to?!? Didn’t they throw that pre-Dino rule out with the ice age? Can’t he be man enough to realize that the reason he is an Ex is because he is out of my books and i got a different fish from the wide ocean to deal with.
That’s just one example of how Exs Sod Us.
Just recently I almost doused myself with Jet A1 fuel, not because I planned on flying anywhere, but because I know that kind of fuel does not need much heat to burn. And burn brightly too.
I was in the middle of a family misunderstanding when it became revealed that my next Ex girlfriend (a word I find I use loosely these days) was “drawing strength” off the shoulders of her Ex-boyfriend.
They had parted ways under not-so-pleasant circumstances, and they both seemed fine with going their separate ways. Along came Franque and months later said Ex starts hounding her with calls. In fairness to her, she did not appear to want to give him the time of day and would most likely not spit on him if he was on fire. But being an omo boy, I felt that was rather harsh and suggested that she be polite to him the next time he called, and to also politely ask him to stay the fc:uk out of her life.
Try, if you may, to imagine my shock when it came to light that they had been in communication since then to the point where he suggests she looks at wedding rings and send him photos; and upon being asked about this sudden twist in our tale, all she had to say for herself was “Shebi, it was you who said I should be nice to him?”
She ain’t blonde, but she just asked me to shut up or Sod off!
Ex number (who cares enough to count?) is getting married. Good for him, great for her, but it doesn’t end there.
He hounds me, and begs me to be at the wedding as he presses the invite into my right hand. I open it, hopping to find a reason not to attend, (even if its an excuse like “ah sorry, your chosen color scheme doesn’t complement my complexion, my style guru would die at the horror”) and there it was! The wedding holds in Zaria, Kaduna state.
I had another “HUH???” Moment. He wants me to travel – at my expense no less – from Lasgidi to Kada to watch him get married?
He seemed quite perturbed when I told him I wouldn’t be attending.
Never mind the fact that this same Ex was getting married four months after I called off the relationship because I was sick of his “I’m not ready yet, I don’t have the right job…” excuse.
At that moment I got a sudden moment of clarity as to why it didn’t work out between the goon and I. He must have thought I had cotton for brains. Exs take us for mules and expect a jolly ride too much for the Sodding off to be happenstance.
My list of examples is long. Too long in fact and I’m beginning to suspect that there’s a secret code all men get soon as they get off that ship from Mars.
I’m sure the code would be hardcover, Gilt-edged and marked “The Ex-code”.
I have never hidden my love for weddings. Marriage is another matter altogether. I almost tried it once, and quite frankly, I think I dodged a bullet with that one.
I also love women. I love women so much, it would seem I put myself out there to be snagged – no hardwork or coyness required on the woman’s part. I have learnt to approach relationships with an objective mindset. If it works, it works; if it doesn’t, no need getting all fired up about it. You move on and, if the woman desires, you stay friends.
So it was not much of a surprise when recently I got an invite from an Ex to attend her wedding. No problem. As per usual, I check the venue – no point wondering what to wear if the venue was inaccessible. It was in Bayelsa. I had met and dated her during my service year in Kano, but she had returned home to Yenagoa soon after.
With more than a month’s notice I had taken time off work and made the trip.
At the reception, I shake hands warmly with the groom, then hug the bride who holds me a little longer as she whispers in my ear “I see what you are doing with my Maid of Honour and that other girl at your table. I see you flirting with them. Let me tell you, one is my husband’s cousin and the other is my childhood friend. Whatever you plan to do, don’t do it.” Then she gives me a quick peck and turns to the next well wisher.
Is it not bad enough that she asked me to sod off way back when? She has to extend the Sodding off to her wedding!
So maybe there is a “Code of Conduct” manual made in Venus, hard-backed and written on soft pink paper with drawings of roses on the covers and at the top corners of each page, drawn so beautifully and expertly to mask the thorns. But what should I care?
Beautiful women have always held an attraction for me and I love everybody; those ladies were next. After all, I took time off work, paid my air fare to Portharcourt, sat in the cab to Yen, and was attending a wedding jeje when these ladies hit on me. In my mind, that is fair recompense for my troubles, no?
PS: There are a lot of humans with no conscience. The fields of relationships are strewn with people like that. No regret for breaking your heart – not unless they get shafted themselves, then the crocodile tears start.
If you have fought, loved and lost, all you can do now is walk tall and and tell the Exs to go sod themselves.
This DUEt has been with pHisayo. You can also check out her stuff at www.phisayo.com