We were chilling in Donpuna‘s house in Lekki phase1, zoning out on champaz, good herb and female company; boys started to yarn and funny stories kept popping up. Now, Donpuna is not one to talk too much but he told us the craziest story ever. By the time he was done, we were all left with our mouths wide open in awe. I will try my best to repeat this amazing tale; but trust me you need to hear it from Donpuna personally, plus it sounds way CRAAAZIEEER in Pidgin English.
Here is my version…
Back in Donpuna’s university days he had a friend (let’s just call him SEGUN) who was a notorious drunkard, the guy could drink anything from beer to spirits to red wine – you name it, he guzzled it! One day Segun was heading back to the university campus from one of the states in Western Nigeria (if I remember correctly @Donpuna ‘s Uni was also in 1 of the Western states, I cant remember now, probably between IFE, ILORIN or ADO). Segun was waiting for the bus to load passengers and decided to get himself a drink, unluckily for him the SALE OF ALCOHOLIC DRINKS was prohibited at the bus park, so Segun was forced to take a stroll to look for booze. He found a small kiosk nearby; but the only alcoholic beverages they sold was a large bottle of SQUADDDY (mis-spelt on purpose to protect brand interest) which he bought and headed back to the bus-Park. He started sipping the shayoo slowly under the hot sun as the bus filled up with passengers. About 45 minutes later the bus was filled with passengers and so they started off on their journey. 30 minutes into the journey, and Segun had already drank more than three-quarters of the booze, feeling a bit sleepy due to part intoxication and part fatigue, he told the passenger next to him to wake him up when they reached their destination.
THEN HE FELL ASLEEEP…
Segun woke up and found himself NAKED, lying down on a cold metal table in a room full of DEAD BODIES!
Apparently while Segun was deep asleep the bus had been involved in a GHASTLY motor accident and had even somersaulted a couple of times. ALL THE PASSENGERS DIED ON THE SPOT! Or so they thought…
Segun got up (of course he didn’t know about the accident) ran to the only door in the room and started banging and screaming crazily!… PLEASE LET ME OUT! WHERE AM I? LET ME THE FUCKKK OUTTT!!!!!!
Metal table was in a MORTUARY.
On the other side of the door, he heard shouting and shuffling footsteps – it was the sound of mortuary staff and visitors running in fear and they didn’t return for what must have been an hour. And when they came back, no one was ready to open the banging door – they were all scared that maybe it was a Zombie or a Spirit that had come back from the dead or even something SCARIER!
Meanwhile, Segun is in a freezing cold room full of smelling dead bodies…plus he now has a MASSIVE HANGOVER …and even vomited a few times. He pleaded and begged for hours and was forced to identify himself before the people outside gathered up enough courage to open the door for him.
Further medical tests were carried out on Segun upon his release and they proved that he was sooo drunk and due to his intoxicated state he was numb to any pain that happened during impact. He had actually passed out and didn’t even show any sign of life when rescue services and passersby carried him and all the other corpses from the scene of the accident to the mortuary.
…SHAYO LITERALLY SAVED HIS LIFE!!!
By the time Donpuna was done with this story we didn’t know whether to laugh or cry – so we just called it a night and went HOME.
Tins dey happen for this world o!
Lastly, have you ever been this DRUNK before?!
Nnamdi N6 Nwabasili – Bizness b4 Pleasure (www.twitter.com/@N6Bitch)