NYASH

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Slangs which spring from Local languages/dialects tend to thrive a lot in Naija. Like the title of this note, a Nigerian pidgin term for buttocks or bum-bum as you wish to call it. You must be a lover of, or own a large one yourself or know someone who does for your attention to be grabbed by this title. Read on then.

Look around you, take a deep breath and appreciate the beauty of the Creator’s mastery of the Creation art. This is Africa. Home to millions of black people. From Mali to Guinea, from Lagos to Accra, from South Africa to Cameroun, Africa’s got a lot of beautiful things, from mineral, to material to human resources…yeah human resources! This is home for some of the most handsome dudes or blokes if you may and the prettiest, most drop-dead-gorgeous divas that ever walked the face of the earth. Yeah…the Agbanis (well at least she won Miss World), the Oluchis and the rest of the Beautiful Ones that Are not Yet Born (Nuff respect Ayi Kwei Armah) to the hottest exports…Tyson Beckford and the likes. But the real headliners in my life magazine are the graciously endowed ones; a perfect description of the erghhh…isn’t it better to just refer to them as full options?

From every angle, in all shapes and sizes, the big eights and the small eights, eights nonetheless (I’m referring to the figure 8). But if you really want to feel what I’m talking about, a visit to one of the densely populated areas of Gold coast and Las Gidis will thrust this unto you… and in the most picturesque manner too.

Nyaaaash! That’s what the Nigerian loves to call it. That’s the attraction. Who are we to question the Creator for graciously endowing women from this side of the world with such full figures? Your spec or not, have you noticed how you consciously or unconsciously pass either a positive or a negative comment whenever you spot one?

The Gold Coast Mall was indeed my first eye opener. Full options were rolling out in their tons from all angles. Damn! I said to myself, what is it with the women in this Country and nyash? Indeed it was a sight to behold. Trust my eyes on this one, they know how not to stay in one direction. See temptation!

Later that night I strolled into a bar for a beer, with that air of confidence of being a citizen of Naija – God’s own country (no disrespect to my American brothers but you can tell whenever and wherever you see a Nigerian). I walked up to the Bar Tender, never waiting to be served. A pretty looking gal she is, politely flashing a great set of teeth at me. Well, that’s not supposed to mean anything to a beer drinking veteran like yours truly. If nothing else, that’s how most Bar Tenders do, even back home on Naija soil. I asked for a home made beer, as in one from my host Country. She offered me Star lager. My disappointment made me blurt out ‘Haa na waa o’ . I didn’t ask for a Nigerian beer now, I asked for a real home made brew…your own country’s beer. ‘This is brewed here sir’, she responded, getting ready to explain more. Anyway, I wasn’t there to trade words with her so I said as bluntly as the people who know me claim I always do, ‘I wanted a beer that’s neither Star nor Gulder’. ‘Sure’, she said, ‘Rock or Stone then will be just fine’ as she stepped towards the next chiller. ‘Good Gracious Gawd!’ I said the moment I saw what the bar was hiding. I will be doing her gracious features great injustice if I just leave it at ‘she’s well endowed’. Gadaaammmmmnnnnn! Such beauties are said to be made in heaven and on Sundays too…the day the creator should have been resting. I mean, if the Creator goes to work on his rest day, be sure he’s modeling a masterpiece. That kind of endowment had no business in a bar, her curves were just wicked!

Perhaps you’ve figured out by now, I love nyash, no apologies to anyone. But don’t get it twisted, It’s really not about the mass; it’s about having the right curves. The slim and firm tummy line drives me nuts and in truth, you don’t often come across a full figured lady with a slim tummy line. So you can at least understand and perhaps appreciate why I’m writing this.

‘But men dey try shaa!’ That was the conclusion I reached when I saw a particular lady almost being dragged down by the size of her very own nyash, and to think that a man will actually be climbing this humungous being when the time to satisfy the brainless being between his legs comes. Na waa o. Indeed, I doff my heart for the FBAM – Full blooded African Male. I really give our men the kudos.

I could remember vividly the very first time I entered a molue bus. I was scared stiff because the chassis of the bus was …well in the absence of a better word ‘chanfered’ (that means very much bent). So the bus itself was looking like a helicopter that just aborted its first flight. Indeed God loves Nigeria…to think that those things move thousands of people daily. Pheeewww! The late Afro Beat Legend captured it best when he sang, ‘49 sitting and 99 standing!’. Fortunately I was one of the 49, but what I thought my fortunacy ended up being my greatest undoing. The seat I got was near the aisle. You should have guessed by now what happened to me with one Iya Basira standing in front and another Iya Ronke standing behind. Poor me, to think that I thanked my lucky stars for getting me that seat.

The bankus, foofoo/Akpu/Utara (depending on where you are from), pounded yam (the Bini man’s favourite) Semo, amala and ground rice are one of the easiest things to expand a firm and compact waist line. Some of these meals are so starchy they tend the worsen the situation. Nature hasn’t been very kind to men either. The belly starts bulging at a particular age – a turn off for some women. The nyash starts bulging in women at a particular age too – a turn on for most men. hope this imbalance is clearer now?

Sometimes I wonder why men are attracted to fellow men. Kai! As soft as the nyash is, as sweet as the *&^%y is, a man will forfeit all that for a fellow chiseled, muscular beer drinker like him. Well shaa, that’s gist for another day. Gotta respect everyone’s sexual preferences but let this serve as a warning; my large biceps are not just mass, they are pure muscles. So if you choose a re-enactment of the Klitchko/Peters or Tyson/Bruno bouts on your face, make your gay advances at me.

And for the men who love the oyibo kinda nyash – flat front, flatter back…hmmm what can I say. It’s rather unfortunate the Creator gave them life through this side of the world and made them black. I advice they live fast, die quick and hope to come back to life through Europe or Japan. Sorry guys but you just have to deal with it. I’m really very sorry on this one.

As I end this piece, I take my mind back to all the great spectacles of nyashes that I have seen across the few African Countries I’ve been. Next stop is Asia; I hope I don’t get disappointed there. Lol. Trust me I’ll let you know how it goes.

One.

***Image courtesy nikewomen.com***

Chioma Halima Olabode

Chioma Halima Olabode

Chioma Halima Olabode is born of an Igbo dad and Yoruba mum in Jos, Northern Nigeria. An avid lover of Nigerian music and PS games. Deputy manager in an IT firm during the day and Vodka lover at night. Follow me on 360nobs for THE PILL on my precise thoughts on all sorts of Nationwide or Worldwide silliness.

7 comments

  1. okay this post is too long…kilode? you were trying to tell a story, but somewhere in the middle of all that, you lost it.

    Talking about nyash or ass should be fun, this reads like an Ababio.

  2. Wat’s d story about, I mean really, is it bout nyash, ur moluwe xperience, or ur homophobic nature. Plx pic 1.

  3. asian women no get yansh and you’d be lucky to see some really big boobs that side too…dem toto no dey disappoint tho :p

  4. I love my Nigerians. Una no dey mince words. K, so is Chioma Halima Olabode a man? Maybe the attempt to sound like a man in love with ass, when you’re actually a woman is what made this article so…fill in the blank (with a negative word).

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