Hello dearest solitary reader, yes I know you’re the only one left to read this. Your fellow readers have moved on, no doubt due to my tardiness. It has been a minute since my last post but for the first time in my life when I say I’ve been super busy it’s actually the truth. As I’ve come to learn in the business of life busy is a good thing. Thank you for waiting for this lazy writer and please if you know where the others have gone to, help spread the word; JAZZ is back. Tell them to come back jare I can’t expend my energy talking to just one lonely bored person (no offence to you my dear solitary reader).
Did you notice the title of this piece? Wait what did you say? Oh you think there are way too many articles on Twitter and I should not have bothered. Well dear reader that is why you are on the receiving end of this post. Trust me this is not a case of “different toilets same sh!t” this post is reaching you live from a new toilet and the waste I’m about to spew is plenty foreign. Ask about me I’m a notorious Twitter junkie or I think I was. These days I rarely invade Timelines. Partly because of my killer schedule but also majorly because Twitter sucks L.
I remember the good old days when people still had their dignity. Days when people made use of their brain matter before hitting send. Nowadays when I go through my timeline I have to hold my nose shut so that the poop inspired tweets do not reach my lungs. A day ago a celebrated Artiste lost his mum and one dummy had the nerve to tweet in appropriate rubbish on the matter. I remember this chic from a war of words she had with a notorious sex tweeter a while back. I labeled her an attention seeker and she proved me right with her antics. I think a lot of Nigerians on twitter have unfortunately subscribed to the Twitter for Dummies handbook.
You might think this a bit harsh especially if you think you’re balling on twitter (9ja style). Well dear solitary reader (sadly the others are still absent) let us play a game of questions and answers. Have you ever gotten paid for your twitter activities? No you say. I knew it! What is it, why are you interrupting my victory dance? Well you think Twitter is a place to have fun and you don’t think money is important. You do have a point dearest reader, but let me ask you another question. Do you know that some people get paid to tweet? You knew? Now you disappoint me! Do they have two heads? Why are you a failure or do they forbid money in your village?
What is it again? I don’t think I like this arrangement; it’s way too personal. Where are my other readers, your mouth is too sharp. I know if the others were here you wouldn’t be this bold. Why are you now crying? Okay I’m sorry you can speak. I don’t know why I obliged you sef! Why would you say I’m taking twitter too seriously? Oh you find #Gbagauns amusing? Finally we have something in common I was worried about you for a minute. Quick question if I was trying to type “I Love garri” and I type “I Live garri” is it a #Gbagaun? Yes you say. Okay another quick question are you blind? Or perhaps you have never seen a QWERTY keyboard. I and O are next door neighbours it is a mis-hand jor not typo or #Gbagaun!
The sad part about this Twitter for Nigerians is the illusions and delusions it has helped foster. I am not an elitist but truth be told there are a lot of nobodies out there. Please don’t get defensive we were all born unknown but some of us have refused to die without making noise. Back to my nobodies (a noboby is a person who was born a nobody and continues to live the life of a nobody) they come on twitter and run their mouths like my mother’s anus after a meal of beans. They lie and tweet with cowardly courage. I call them cowards because they cannot defend their tweets when confronted by the victims of their rubbish. My favourite twitter line is “I am not my tweets”. Don’t you love it when you see this? Please if you are not your tweets who is now your tweets? Did someone hack into your account?
Don’t get me wrong I know Twitter would be bollocks if the Mumus stop tweeting their yama yama, but dear solitary reader (I don’t know why the others don’t want to join us or did you tell them not to come?) are you also a Mumu? Why do you tweet nonsense? You don’t know how it happens shey? Well I have a solution stop tweeting when you haven’t eaten. I’ve noticed most of these people tweet on empty stomachs that is why their tweets are always #Epicfails. It is fun to #Gbagaun especially when it is a monumental one like the sorts you find on that Twitter roundup thing. It is also fun to form James Bond and Puff Daddy (sorry Diddy). After all it’s not every day you get the chance to insult someone and get off easy simply because you say “Chill bro it is just Twitter”.
This is my longest speech yet! It was on purpose I’ve been hoping the other readers would join you and I during the course of this movie but Alas! 10 minutes later I am forced to chat with only you. Well dear solitary reader if and when those people return tell them what I told you. Don’t you dare remix it! This is not twitter. What do you mean I should summarize? Were you not listening? Oh you don’t get my point? My lovely solitary reader how could you forget my ways so quickly? I am crushed any ways it’s my fault I was away for too you. My friend you should know the Ministry of Silly people never has a point!!! I just came to rant and hopefully gather more followers on Twitter.
Sadly my options were put up a naked picture as my profile picture (Avatar as the Uber kids say) or engage in a Twitwar…I am but a Coward all mouth and no action so I chose to lobby for popularity here. However a word is enough for the wise. Abeg Follow me on twitter and tell your friends, the last time I checked Kanye West still has more followers than me. What Rubbish! #TeamWeTweetRubbishForLife!!
Holla at me @MsJazzyfied Peace out!!!!! *Writer strolls to Twitter to form Jackie Chan*