JAZZ’S DEATH TO TWITTER

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Hello dearest solitary reader, yes I know you’re the only one left to read this. Your fellow readers have moved on, no doubt due to my tardiness. It has been a minute since my last post but for the first time in my life when I say I’ve been super busy it’s actually the truth. As I’ve come to learn in the business of life busy is a good thing.  Thank you for waiting for this lazy writer and please if you know where the others have gone to, help spread the word; JAZZ is back. Tell them to come back jare I can’t expend my energy talking to just one lonely bored person (no offence to you my dear solitary reader).

Did you notice the title of this piece? Wait what did you say? Oh you think there are way too many articles on Twitter and I should not have bothered. Well dear reader that is why you are on the receiving end of this post. Trust me this is not a case of “different toilets same sh!t” this post is reaching you live from a new toilet and the waste I’m about to spew is plenty foreign. Ask about me I’m a notorious Twitter junkie or I think I was. These days I rarely invade Timelines. Partly because of my killer schedule but also majorly because Twitter sucks L.

I remember the good old days when people still had their dignity. Days when people made use of their brain matter before hitting send. Nowadays when I go through my timeline I have to hold my nose shut so that the poop inspired tweets do not reach my lungs. A day ago a celebrated Artiste lost his mum and one dummy had the nerve to tweet in appropriate rubbish on the matter. I remember this chic from a war of words she had with a notorious sex tweeter a while back. I labeled her an attention seeker and she proved me right with her antics. I think a lot of Nigerians on twitter have unfortunately subscribed to the Twitter for Dummies handbook.

You might think this a bit harsh especially if you think you’re balling on twitter (9ja style). Well dear solitary reader (sadly the others are still absent) let us play a game of questions and answers. Have you ever gotten paid for your twitter activities? No you say. I knew it! What is it, why are you interrupting my victory dance? Well you think Twitter is a place to have fun and you don’t think money is important. You do have a point dearest reader, but let me ask you another question. Do you know that some people get paid to tweet? You knew? Now you disappoint me! Do they have two heads? Why are you a failure or do they forbid money in your village?

What is it again? I don’t think I like this arrangement; it’s way too personal. Where are my other readers, your mouth is too sharp. I know if the others were here you wouldn’t be this bold. Why are you now crying? Okay I’m sorry you can speak. I don’t know why I obliged you sef! Why would you say I’m taking twitter too seriously? Oh you find #Gbagauns amusing? Finally we have something in common I was worried about you for a minute. Quick question if I was trying to type “I Love garri” and I type “I Live garri” is it a #Gbagaun? Yes you say. Okay another quick question are you blind? Or perhaps you have never seen a QWERTY keyboard. I and O are next door neighbours it is a mis-hand jor not typo or #Gbagaun!

The sad part about this Twitter for Nigerians is the illusions and delusions it has helped foster. I am not an elitist but truth be told there are a lot of nobodies out there. Please don’t get defensive we were all born unknown but some of us have refused to die without making noise. Back to my nobodies (a noboby is a person who was born a nobody and continues to live the life of a nobody) they come on twitter and run their mouths like my mother’s anus after a meal of beans. They lie and tweet with cowardly courage. I call them cowards because they cannot defend their tweets when confronted by the victims of their rubbish. My favourite twitter line is “I am not my tweets”. Don’t you love it when you see this? Please if you are not your tweets who is now your tweets? Did someone hack into your account?

Don’t get me wrong I know Twitter would be bollocks if the Mumus stop tweeting their yama yama, but dear solitary reader (I don’t know why the others don’t want to join us or did you tell them not to come?) are you also a Mumu? Why do you tweet nonsense? You don’t know how it happens shey? Well I have a solution stop tweeting when you haven’t eaten. I’ve noticed most of these people tweet on empty stomachs that is why their tweets are always #Epicfails. It is fun to #Gbagaun especially when it is a monumental one like the sorts you find on that Twitter roundup thing. It is also fun to form James Bond and Puff Daddy (sorry Diddy). After all it’s not every day you get the chance to insult someone and get off easy simply because you say “Chill bro it is just Twitter”.

This is my longest speech yet! It was on purpose I’ve been hoping the other readers would join you and I during the course of this movie but Alas! 10 minutes later I am forced to chat with only you. Well dear solitary reader if and when those people return tell them what I told you. Don’t you dare remix it! This is not twitter. What do you mean I should summarize? Were you not listening? Oh you don’t get my point? My lovely solitary reader how could you forget my ways so quickly? I am crushed any ways it’s my fault I was away for too you. My friend you should know the Ministry of Silly people never has a point!!! I just came to rant and hopefully gather more followers on Twitter.

Sadly my options were put up a naked picture as my profile picture (Avatar as the Uber kids say) or engage in a Twitwar…I am but a Coward all mouth and no action so I chose to lobby for popularity here. However a word is enough for the wise. Abeg Follow me on twitter and tell your friends, the last time I checked Kanye West still has more followers than me. What Rubbish! #TeamWeTweetRubbishForLife!!

Holla at me @MsJazzyfied   Peace out!!!!! *Writer strolls to Twitter to form Jackie Chan*

Jazz

Jazz

A word that best describes me is “complicated”. Love music n addicted to Lagos radio. Confuses fiction with reality, so I strongly advise u take anything I say with a pinch of salt. Blood bleeds Red n Black. Man United - Do not test me. When I die I’d like to have “Here Lies Greatness” on my tombstone. Cocky much, Naughty much, Silly much. That is all.

44 comments

  1. Rotflmao.
    She has done it again.
    But on a serious note, you nailed the issue on the temple. *thumbs up* .
    Btw, anty isioma I want to make money too o. Ejamisi.

  2. Jazzy baby kama roll> Girl i like the way you roll. i like your posts o kaa ma roll… oya tehteh joor maa roll… hehehe! Nice post

  3. Lwkm!!! U haff come again o! With great restraint, I refrain from ‘cc-ing’ certain ppl.
    Welcome back bbz.
    Sincerely,
    Ur numero uno fan!

  4. I have too many problems with ds post.. but for d sake of peace…. errrrm i’ll let it b….. but so u shld know… it wasnt funny to me.

  5. @Pheary hmmm me too i have several problems with it, in fact i intend to sue the writer, she has obviously lost her marbles 🙂
    @Kay now Editing your tweets to make the #Gbagaun even sexier! :p
    @Zeesparklez: i’m glad you liked it hun.
    @cyclone: why you be acting like you didnt buy me my 1st wrap of igbo? you’re my role model joor o
    @Nikkon: 17, 18, 19! Oshe!
    @ppcaleb: it is only fair that i repay the favor, your posts have kept me entertained. thankjs dear

  6. “Why are you a failure or do they forbid money in your village?” #Gbam
    MsJazzyfied should have a theme playing and I recommend “Overkillin” by Djinee. This lady is simply Overkillin it. Lovely piece of work you’ve got here.. May God continue to bless you for bringing smiles to our face.

  7. arggh, cant blive u made me spend my precious 5min reading this….lmao, i like it tho…thumbs up

  8. Erm true! I was very tempted 2 cc some ppl…but with great restraint…God dey
    @jazzy:let d #gbagaunwar begin!e go sweet pass twitwar no?

  9. Erm…Great work Jazz but I don’t totally agree with dis post, for d fact dat d writer herself is guilty of somma d charges cos what is good for ur eyes musnt be good for mine and on d real no one makes twitRules u go dere, do ur bit anyway and how u want it, den step out! Its dat simple, if u don’t like a tweep, UNFOLLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! And as for d makin money thingy, a lot of people make money from were d writer herself wouldn’t make from, dats aw life is, we all can’t make money from a particular source! *drops pen, its twitter time*

  10. @Mofame i cant remember the last time d writer gbagauned anyone or tweeted something she cudnt defend, as for twitrules she doesnt fink it’s okay for peeps to tweet any rubbish dey like just cos Twitter is lawless, in d old days a handle was just a name now we have met a large chunk of our followers; do u honestly want to be known as d dummy by pple u’d meet?
    @paddy;ifexy n conekhobilo; thank you so much
    @Leema LOL! i’ll try not to
    @kay hian let sleeping dogs lie oh! as for the Gbagaun war u’re on!!!

  11. Jazz I said ur guilty of somma d charges and not all and erm…great piece don’t get me wrong, I say again ur own idea of dumbness might not be for d next man, dats wut it is…we dwell in an online community were we fux with only wut we think its right and favourable, im a fan of u and I check on ur TL regularly, der r som ppo u fux hard with dat I (for choice sake) think are DUMB! But I can’t do much cos it favours and gladens ur heart to fux with dem, so if d next man tweets wuts DUMB (entirely ur choice of words) to u, quickly know dat it might be favourable to 10more people, dats why I said I don’t totally agree with dis article cos at d end o’d day we r always guilty of what we accuse d resta d world of, directly and indirectly!

  12. Istly, isi I dnt tnk anybdy is born a NOBODY lyk u sed…lyk pheary sed,I hv 2many issues wit ds post buh ‘ll let dem be cos den again its ur opinion…

  13. Ahem. This piece, this very beautiful piece here, is one I have a few ugly problems with. For one, you were signed up to Twitter onceupon a not-too-long-time ago, and didn’t have as much tweets as you have coughed up now, and would prolly not have cared a flying poopoo about tweeting codswallop. Just ‘cos you’re gaining financial lucre with your Twitter-handle right now as opposed to the default days of yore doesn’t mean you have the Twitter-given right to question the motives of other Twitter-toddlers (as I consider you a veteran) and the considerably lion chunk of the Twitter populace who tweet for leisure and not to seek financial pleasure.

    Secondly, I can half-vaguely half-vividly remember you (the writer) proclaiming the same line you have so come here to berate; “I AM NOT MY TWEETS” laced with a rather distinct tinge of seriousness. I stand to be corrected on this.

    He sends this with E-love,
    Twiterally and literally written,
    Black Orpheus.

  14. Jazz, Nail-on-the-head article again!…My repulsion for that ‘I am not my tweets’ line borders on Wizkid levels. I sincerely hope ALL who have read this article won’t go home and eat the special mix that makes their brains run and allows them tweet balderdash. As usual I would always love you.
    Yours
    Oluwadhark

  15. Seriously, Twitter has become dumping ground for all sorts of shit from Nigerians… That tweet by that slow******(i guess she is her name. very slow upstairs) y-day regarding Ice-P’s mom was an example of the lack of brain function that seems to be the norm amongst nigerians on twttr these days. The amount of shit and nonsense i see on my TL these days choke me. Worse, the amount of ‘twitfights’ we get these days is ridiculous. some of them on purpose. Pathetic! Fucking Pathetic!!
    Some tweeps just come on twitter to insult celebs. Pple u cannot even talk to in real life. MUMU!

    Also, some are just “if u dont famz, then u hate. u arent allowed to hv an opinion talkless express one if it involves ctiticism of a celeb they like”. Excuse me, maybe ur parents paid ur skul fees for nothing. mine didnt. im allowed to think and say what i feel. thank you

    Finally, that ‘im not my tweets’ line is just BS! who is ur tweets then? ur CIA-created clone? MUMU!

    *sigh*
    I know ur acct is ur own. u can do what u want/like with it. But, atleast use ur ‘number 6’ b4 u tweet. #thatisAll
    Great article Isi. #OnPoint #ThumbsUp… welcome back. Missed u

    PS: Aunty u shud show me how to make money naaa. We r family after all 🙁 🙁

  16. Lemme just say that I am so glad I’m not on twitter. This piece might’ve been funnier or more annoying if I was, but I’ll never know & that works for me 🙂 I did like that people called the writer out though, makes me ♥ my people even more.

  17. As usual she’s hit dat spot wf ds delectable post. *sigh* wt can I say…#A Readers Delight#
    By d way Jazz…seein as its twitter we’re dealing wf & we’re aware of d knda characters therein…I daresay its easy 4 one 2commit one of d many twitter sins…evn u are not exempted…BUT it borders on insanity when dt tweep passes hs/her cyber boundaries. O well a word is enuf 4 d wise.
    As usual I LOVE ds post baby…pls more & ummm,lest I 4get hw can I make cash 4rm tweeting please…I wanna be lyk dem too 😀

  18. @Bigmeat it is always a shame to dis appoint…well i am not perfect and so this is bound to happen once in a while i do hope i may one day impress u again…still thanks for reading
    @Cross_Chinxx Yes even i am not perfect and it is my hope that when my own mumuness starts to show u’ll forgive me. no jor i will not tell u continue to tweet for free its fun! lol!
    @Ready dnt u dare say it! we will need to open a twitter acct for u asap me thinks @Ready is a good enough handle. yes o d “pple” called the writer out. *sigh* no respect what so ever 🙂
    @kblewin Nephew exactly the point i was trying to pass across. well said and thank you for commenting…..we’re fam boo
    @Ghostwriter aka OluwaDare thank you for dropping by, you know i’m ur biggest fan! sha do and write your movie script i’m saving so i can Produce it.
    @Mofame and Black Orpheus it’s nice too see y’all are having a family reunion thanks to me…u shud totally pay this writer for that
    @Black orpheus Well seeing as you say u’re a Twitter toddler (i doubt that) maybe that is why you havent noticed the changes that have occurred on Nigerian Twitter. if you’ve been following me for a while you may have noticed the tweets i amassed were not acquired this year,frankly i havent tweeted as much as i used to and the reason why is what i’ve tried to explain via dis post.
    in ref to “I am not my Tweets” for those that know me in life and on twitter the 1st thing dey’ll tell u is i’m sarcastic and i dnt mean the kind dat put LOL after each line of sarcasm…since you vaguely remember do u also vaguely rememder the contex it was said? i do appreciate your opinions and dis is not me taking what u’ve said to heart i’m simply correcting a misconception. i wud also love to hnow ur handle.
    @Mofame if you’re going to call me out it would help if you borrow a leaf from Black Orpheus and be as specific as possible it would help me defend myself as it stands now my hands are tied as i dnt knw what u’re referring to.
    as for fuxing hard with d “dumb” folks…you would have to understand what my definition of rubbish is; in the post i cited an example of a Tweet on IcePrince’s loss; that is wot i call rubbish. now please feel free to fire your next missle.
    @NikkyMandy I insist that everyone born is at 1st a nobody, can u please tell me wot achievements a new born baby can call its own? last time i checked new born babies are not named (at least in Nigeria) until their birth cords fall off…that is dis writer’s definition of a nobody. i was born a nobody. i do thank you for reading this post all the way to the end. even if it’s my opinion like Mofame and Black orpheus you’re allowed to call me out…criticism is appreciated as it will help me grow as a writer.
    @Lorlah you my dear are appreciated. Thank you for reading
    @Oyinbra Thank you so much
    @Future Call Outers; Please go easy on dis poor writer and if this post rubs you the wrong way perhaps it’s time to check ur Tweets. BLESS!!!

  19. With all due respect to the consistent ingenuity of the writer, I already acknowledged this a ‘beautiful’ piece, and I still reiterate my acknowledgement. But I have a few quirks myself. My DNA is coded such that I hardly allow my strands of thought ebb away without replicating them in ink. Verily, my previous comment may have been a somewhat stinging diatribe but the shining light about critiques like that is that in effect, they make for better writing.

    I’m a confessed fan of your writtens, and I regret it if my comment left you smitten.

    More ink to your quill,
    Signed,
    Chief supporter of the ‘Jazzyfied’ fandom,
    Black Orpheus.

    Dear MoFame. I am @jeffiejay on Twitter. What’s yours?

    Isi. Na me be @jeffiejay ooooo! :). *Do I see a smile breaking out the edge of those taut lips*? 🙂

  20. Jazz, divided on this issue,I also think people tweet faster than they think this days but however, I think the language in which u tried to communicate this position is near disrespectful on your followers….

    Twitter used to b a lot more fun but I personally feel the death knell sounded whn we Started meeting,taking away what twitter shld naturally thrives on..anonymity..

    Adding the financial part of twitter was wrong for me..n I agree with @mo_fame n @blackpearl on most of the issues they cited against you…..this post should leave you with less friends n more people scrutinizing Ur every tweet hence forth…u just nailed urself to a twitter cross ..

  21. @Simonseez Thanks for reading Simon if it does leave me with less friends then i think i am better off cos that would mean they werent really friends to start with. i also think it’s high time we stop the hypocrisy that is rampant on twitter. i apologise if my money comments rubbed you the wrong way

  22. Don’t like this post,too darn self-righteous and VERY VERY conceited. Big whoop if u make money off ur tweets,I know a few pple who do and they write too, don’t see ’em calling that out as an achievement. Some of us tweet for fun,and yea we tend to write ‘crap’, we famz and we hate… So??? You should know we also don’t need Twitter 2 make change sha, we actually count the big bucks in the real world 🙂 … My opinion so pls don’t bite me thank u very much. Now ff Black Orpheus, Mo’fame wats ur handle abeg?

  23. WHAT DO THE 360NOBS TEAM MEAN BY SAYING THAT *JAZZ* COMPETES WITH ME ON THE “CRAZZYYYY” SCALE…nice write huni!

  24. … It’s high time we started encouraging our talented writers and stop taking write-ups P…. @Mo’Fame @Black Orpheus… You should know that every piece of writing is subjective and bias and Jazz’s isn’t an exception… As much as I don’t totally agree with her on this… She has only bore her mind and her own views.. Since there are no agree or disagree buttons, I guess there’s no point for a debate! Jazz bbz pls don’t be discouraged… Keep keeping on.

  25. @Nicole I can’t see you following. You prolly didn’t grip my handle properly. It’s @jeffiejay. What’s yours? Thanks.

    @VickyWalker. Don’t be mistaken, I’m not taking it P. I’m only telling my own opinions too, like the writer told hers. No hard feelings whatsoever.

    God Bless 360Nobs,
    God Bless Jazz,
    God Bless Vicky Walker,
    Peace.

  26. So Vicky Walker, dats exactly My point sir/ma, its jazz’s complete and total opinion and it dnt work for me on dis particular post and d encouragement I cud giv right here right now is to air my very own opinion to let her know I read and I understood d post! If d writer got her opinions, I got mine too dats why I said ‘I don’t agree with d post’

    PS: my handle is @mofame_

  27. Opinion are like arses, everyone has got one. If you know how to talk, some other people know how to listen thus I personally would not have found this article any intresting but the level of criticism it has generated had actually shown that Jazz was reaching out to us albeit with her imperfection(who’s is really perfect anyways?).

    Welldone Jazz and S/O to the folks that have made sense up in here and those who were really trying to but just didn’t know the recipe…..it’s all gud.

  28. @ibetapassmyneighbour: I am not dis reply 🙂
    @Nicole: didn’t u get d memo? Yes I am conceited! As for famzing pls point out whr I mentioned dat in dis post. I appreciate ur attempt at critiquing but if u must do it right. Kai! See how u wasted ur time reading my rubbish..Pele! @N6Bitch: Lol! I guess some1 had to join the darkside so it doesn’t get too lonely for u. Thanks for stopping by. @VickyWalter: Thank you so much hun for reminding my dearest solitary reader that dis is my own personal opinion. @Mofame: it’s interesting to see that you say u understand dis post but I beg to differ I do not fink u do…Thank you for your views, moving on.
    @faffer thank you for dropping by I do apologise for wasting your time I can only imagine all d fins u cud’ve done instead of reading somefin as “un-understandable” as dis article. @bcgeorge: thank you for d kind words bless your heart. @deevagal: I swear down it took forever to write! Lol! Thanks for reading hun
    @Everyone: Is it just me or are the comments even more interesting than the article? For those who feel personally slighted by dis post ask urself “why” are u guilty? Or is it not just Twitter? Buahahahaha! @brainchyld: thank you boo

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