JAZZ: LOVE STINKS!!!

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I am not a Lover. I have never been and I will never be one. Love is for sissies, cowards and idiots. What the heck do people mean when they say I fell in love? Are you blind or did you never learn to walk right? All my girlfriends have at some point or the other been inflicted by this cursed emotion known as Love. I am resistant to that silly virus, I know better than to surrender myself to a toddler in a diaper. Whenever I say I do not believe in Love people always give me that annoying pity filled look. As if I care!

The thing that really irks my friends is for one so uninterested in love I always snag the best guys. Trust me I never go looking for love struck males they for some reason find me irresistible. Yes, I am drop dead gorgeous, blame fate. I get into arguments with folks who say I must have been in love with one of my past flings. They say it is impossible to have never been in Love. I call my past relationships flings even though they were all monogamous and the shortest one lasted 18months. I call them flings because I recognize them for what they were “passing fancies”.

Did I ever sabotage any fling? No, I am always the perfect girlfriend I never nag, I’m never demanding and I come correct in the bedroom. I also cook and clean thanks to my mum who insisted I learn to “make a home”. I see that look in your eyes; grabbing your box of tissues because you imagine I’m about to tell you of the numerous heartbreaks I’ve suffered. I suggest you relegate your box of tissues to the bathroom. The only things those babies will wipe today will be your behind.

I have never suffered from a broken heart. I really don’t care if you believe me or not that is my story and I’m sticking to it. The last time I checked deaf people never say “stop yelling” I’ve never loved therefore I’ve never hurt. All my flings always end the same way it’s like I’m stuck in this never ending vortex. One day they wake up and play the L-card. I love you they say; my response, always a blank look. There goes their Egos. They yell and call me a cold hearted bitch. I politely say please leave my house or quietly pick up my things and leave theirs.

I guess I was meant to play the dewy-eyed female and say I love you too. It’s such a pity, blame it on my faulty wiring. I want to have kids someday and no I don’t plan to love them. Please save your shocked look for the neighborhood Nun. I do not need to love my kids to bring them up right, life isn’t a Disney movie and their mum isn’t a fairy. The only hitch in this plan might be hooking that random unsuspecting sperm donor. I am not too worried about that little problem; after all I am the daughter of Eve. I was born to deceive.

Funny thing is my parents always said how much they loved me, in the beginning I said it right back. In my naïve mind I assumed loving was a prerequisite for living. I don’t mean to sound like the grim reaper but it’s a good thing they are dead. I am not a monster and it was getting a tad bit difficult to bear the heart wrenching looks they gave me when I replied “No you don’t” to their declarations of love. Please do not play the God is love card with me, I’ve heard them all. My Pastor gave up on me years ago.

I’ve been termed a sadist, narcissist or just plain old crazy. The world didn’t end who cares. Would I walk past a dying man on the street? Honestly, I probably would for starters I am not a doctor and I do not know CPR. What the hell am I supposed to do, write him a poem? Call me all the names known to man it will change nothing. This heart was made to pump blood and it is doing that extremely well.

I do not believe in love because I know we were all built to be selfish beings and it is impossible to “Love” anyone other than you. I say today to the high heavens, anyone that utters the words “I Love you” to another being is a dirty little liar. I am JAZZ and I will never LOVE YOU. Till my dying day I will always say; I am not a Lover.  I have never been and I will never be one. That is all.

Yours Truly; Jazz

*Morbid stuff if I might say so myself. Dear readers a few days ago someone accused me of being frivolous with my writing. Yes I am frivolous and playful but everyone has a dark side including Jazz.* Thank you for reading. Please leave a comment.

Jazz

Jazz

A word that best describes me is “complicated”. Love music n addicted to Lagos radio. Confuses fiction with reality, so I strongly advise u take anything I say with a pinch of salt. Blood bleeds Red n Black. Man United - Do not test me. When I die I’d like to have “Here Lies Greatness” on my tombstone. Cocky much, Naughty much, Silly much. That is all.

30 comments

  1. A word that describes you is complicated? Lmao…sorry you are not complicated, you are just not sophisticated.
    Are there any such thing as cold, silence, darkness or hate? Just because you cannot touch them doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Cold is the absence of heat, silence is the absence of sound, darkness is the absence of light and hate is the absence of love.
    Do you think your parents had no other things to do with the money and time they used in raising you up and giving you proper education.
    If you cannot love, my dear you have the worst kind of deformity known.

  2. Don’t worry.
    U will know love when that baby tears your vagina in two and comes squealing into the world covered in your blood and his
    The link of life you gave him pulsating betweeb you two.
    You will look at the unwittting sperm donor and look at the baby.
    Both are looking back at you.
    That will be the moment.
    *jazz*will fall in love

  3. Erm, first thing I’ll say is tht as a writer, u r entitled to ur own opinion, also this is jazz writing, nd jazz I believe is diff to isioma.

    Secondly, I think this writer is too young to say tht love doesn’t exist. Cuz u’ve had a few flings which didn’t quite workout doesn’t make u a judge of wht love is. As I see it, u r still evolving nd learnin, to u maybe love doesn’t exist, buh whn u truly meet the one for u, and prolly have a mother-child bond, then u’ll knw tht love truly exists nd it’s even in different phases/stages.

    Yh, u sed ur pastor has given up on u, I’m guessin he’s prolly waitin for u to see things frm his own perspective. I guess the sayin “What an old man can see sittin down, a young one won’t see even if he/she was on an iroko tree” plays out here….

    This writer shld give it a few years b4 declaring tht love doesn’t exist…

    I believe ♥ exists nd its even beautiful with the right person…trust me jazz…

    Thnx for inviting me to read to this post, hope to read many other writings frm u soon…

    Luv u plenry boo ♡ ♥ ♡

  4. Jazz omo to shon! I have a phrase for myself, and I’ll preach it to you today. It goes “U’ll never know how much u can love someone until you have your baby”. I was like you before I got married, never loved,nor heartbroken.But when that little cutie came to the world, I felt it(I’m even closed to tears as I write, tears of joy and happiness though;over my bundle of LOVE and joy). “U will know love when that baby tears your vagina in two and comes…”by samsiebop”. I’m not preaching for you to love, but when u have something to call your own(baby), oh girl! U’ll fall and drown in love.

  5. funny how i finally get to meet someone that shares my thots about love.i knw i’ll lov my kids(coz am a general sucker for ’em).buh i just wanted to say i’ve come to undastand that there is ‘a’ love_(heavenly). God lovs u imaginably.i am nt religious o i just hapen to knw that.oh
    ur an amaaaaaaaazing writer btw…………much love gan

  6. No ofence bt… 1. no 1 realy cares, u’r entitld 2 ur opinions. 2. Any1 hu tinks he/she knos it all, especialy in dier youth, is a big fool. 3. Blak vs white, good vs evil, up vs down, left vs rait, rich vs poor, nd LUV vs HATE, life’s lyk dat, u can’t realisticaly take 1 witout d oda. Again, u’r entitld 2 ur views, ms jazz. Btw, good write-up sha.

  7. Daughter of eve.. Wired to decieve..and Like d serpent she threads in disbelief..†ђξ very reason for our existence..birth of transcedence..goddess..ı luv u.buh then fuck it.ı hate u.. Drεw

  8. *slap!*…how could you?! :(.so all this while u’ve been “lyricising” me *wailing* End of drama.lol .oh wow,for a moment there I was scared,wonderful write-up Jazz…but we all know love exists and it’s truly beautiful 😀

  9. One thing is for sure dearie. U love writing articles and this is another great one. In my opinion love is selfish cux all it does is takes and never gives back…. Offcourse its jst an article to u jare lol….. Keep up the great work and maybe someday u cud assist me in writing a speech for a president………. 9ja Carter

  10. Title says Love stinks…it has to exist to stink yeah…like a kid who never got to watch all them cartoons n play with reckless abandon -disadvantaged………after all is said n done u would realise that if u live Ur life not experiencin both heart breaks n love u really lived a disadvantaged life…..@chi chi opposites explains it well…

  11. I dnt knw if i was d only prsn dat felt d aching “need” in dis write up..? Its rily touchin bt so so sad…
    As much as i’ld lyk 2 claim dat luv dnt exist, i’v xperienced Love in its purest form.

  12. iBelieve in love – for me. For u, iHave a proposition: let’s make dat ur baby when u r good n ready. As for love for u, #NotMyMission.
    U do write really well and that’s all iReally care about.

  13. Wait, you’re just kidding, right? These people are commenting as if that’s how you really feel. Please come back & re-explain that you’re not a cold robot, you just wrote this to show that you’re a good, un-frivolous writer who wanted to show another side of her skills. Come oh, I yam waiting foh you.

  14. @franque my people will call your people as regards our copulation. *blushing* dis is huge seeing as you’re my favourite 360 writer, thank you.

    @Ready #Lowkey *lips sealed* buahahahahahaha!!!!!

  15. lol, some nigerian writers try too hard sha

    I share some of your thots but i think u took it too far when u brought up ur parents n ”it’s a good thing they’re dead”. each to his own sha.

    Samsiebop, chichi n sweetheart have said it all

  16. We are entithled to our life and you shouldn’t insult those in Love….its very right to fall in Love or Love someone is even written in the bible. Am in Love anyway….so???

  17. Hmm Jazz… You sound like a writer tired of ur 18-months flings and waiting desperately to experience love… I see you lack it bur Franque has offered U̶̲̥̅̊ some..
    You just brightened my day.. Kudos luv

  18. Jazzzzz!!!! I fink we are missing the point here… Jazzz is a writer… A born natural writer and just cos stephen king writes about demons doesn’t make him a devil… Jazz, I see ur talent… The passionate anger building in you till the climax of it all… Spiraling out of control until your last phrase “that’s all”…
    I saw you… Not you that’s not loving but you lost in the literal world trying to find your shoe size from the different options giving you… Peeps… This is not Jazz concluded…this is Jazz searching…

  19. …That’s all….like Allenjay says, this is Jazz searching….good write up…the best kind of finish…u’ll go places…if u re not there already.

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