JAZZ: AXE YOUR MUMMY

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Disclaimer: This Article has nothing to do with “Wizkid” I simply borrowed the phrase to attract readers. Yes it is called good advertising, sue me!!!!

Welcome dear readers, it’s nice to see a full house here this week. Well I do not know how your week went but mine absolutely sucked. After almost 5months of forming “Aspiring Stars” (please this is not a Typo I am a writer I am allowed to play with words) I realized what a “Weist” I am (this is also not a typo, if you don’t know Chigurl kai! Ya a weist).The worst part of it all is I single handedly “MUMU’d” myself. I was on my own Jejely when that idiot (the devil) came to tempt me. Usually I ignore him but my prolonged absence from Church for a while now has made this harder to do. Fear not for my soul dear readers, I plan to spend Doomsday “May 21, 2011” at a Catholic church near you.

One faithful day I was bored and my internet modem was unusually efficient (no I do not use MTN Fastlink) so I pondered to myself “what to do”. Notice I did not invite him (the idiot aka devil) into my deliberations but trust him to always show up uninvited. Suddenly I hear his evil voice whisper “Google”. I tried but I couldn’t resist so like hot akamu (no inner strength whatsoever) I typed www.google.com. I had no idea what he expected me to do when I got there but I knew I had already taken a bite from the forbidden fruit. Once done the idiot that he is said to me “oya Jazz enter your name or wouldn’t you like to see how famous you’ve become?”

I thought to myself and him (seeing as he was camped in my mind) well I’m here already I might as well see. Besides I’m sure I’ll find loads of pages on my many accomplishments to assuage my boredom. Oh my gawd was I shocked. What am I saying shock cannot begin to explain the sheer humiliation i was confronted with when I took that Idiot’s advice. Guess what, apparently of all the amazing gifts and blessings I have bestowed on mankind that foolish “Google” chose to only record my long forgotten activities at Facebook.

Am I angry? Not at all my dear readers I am outraged! In primary three I presented the solar system at my school’s science fair, why was it not here? Fine maybe primary school is stretching it. In the 2nd term of Jss2 I came 1st in my class, that yeye Google cannot tell me he didn’t see this one. That is not all I was on working suspension in Ss3 and they did not put that one there. Please do not judge me I did nothing to warrant that stupid suspension (and no I was not caught in any toilet with a boy). “Mr. Google clap for yourself; ordinary search engine forming badt guyz”

I know that you think my so called “achievements” do not deserve to be on google. Your problem is that you’re friends with that monkey. Don’t worry very soon he will do to you what he did to me. Truth is I still don’t understand why Google acted the way it did. I am a famous Writer with adoring fans on every continent why am I not a “Google-able” person? As we speak 5 people have read this article before you, please what will it take for Google to give me the respect I deserve? Is there a Google office in Nigeria? I ask because I want to meet their Oga. I am not happy at all. 

Even Wikipedia did not have a page on me. Seriously I don’t get it. Will they say they’ve never heard of “Jazz”? So dear reader here I am bruised Ego and all. To think Prince Harry was meant to propose to me when he comes across my list of achievements on Google. Screw you Google! Now I’m probably going to wind up married to a random Nigerian with random kids who have no claim to the Throne. I hate you Google! Who knows my lack of Google presence might be the reason why the people at Sports Illustrated have not yet asked me to pose nude on their cover. I hope you’re happy Google my life sucks because of you.

I don’t even know why I waste my time writing these foolish articles. Apparently Google does not give a Rat’s Ass I don’t know why you do. Mr. “I know all the answers” Google I will avenge this slight! Yes just like Apple did to Microsoft I will open my own Google and we will steal a third of your customers. Give me just 100 years. “Axe Your Mummy” will be the biggest search engine ever!

Long live “Axe Your Mummy”.

Signed Jazz; “Permanent Secretary for the Ministry of Silly People”

P.s: Only leave a comment if you are “Google-able”. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Abeg it is a joke if we do that one today nobody will comment. Thanks for reading.

*Writer goes to www.google.com and types in “how to start your own search engine*     

Jazz

Jazz

A word that best describes me is “complicated”. Love music n addicted to Lagos radio. Confuses fiction with reality, so I strongly advise u take anything I say with a pinch of salt. Blood bleeds Red n Black. Man United - Do not test me. When I die I’d like to have “Here Lies Greatness” on my tombstone. Cocky much, Naughty much, Silly much. That is all.

21 comments

  1. No, You’re not complicated yo scared. you’re obviously a good writer who once in a while as do most writers gets the urge to pen/type something down but somehow in between switching on your pc and actually typing, your fear surfaces and you start to type the shoddy work up there. You hide behind your flippant and nonchalant style of writing for whatever reasons. This here article is directionless and a tad too flighty. but then again, that’s what you indeed had in mind all along but still… Not a very riveting read.

  2. Believe Mi, I’ve searched for my name on “Google” and was so disappointed, Thank God I’m not the only one with this “Google” Problem.. Thank You Jazz for help both of us express ourselves. “Aal Iz Well”. Beatiful Article …

  3. Seen, quite funny. I was disappointed myself that google couldnt even tell us where Osama was hiding until Navy SEAL TEAM 6 smoked his ass out.

    For entertaiment purpose, clap for yourself Jazz, weldone.

  4. Ayam google able oh! Good piece dearie, had same feelings at some point about dem google.

    Keep u the good work u sure will appear on google soon! As the branch manager in Opebi, I will look into ur request

  5. I have checked my name too but someone else keeps coming up Google pls do somethimg about this I’m not about to loose my identity. Jazz nice one. Its so hilarious.

  6. This is a mighty nice piece, well constructed nd perfectly written.
    Guess my search result was one step ahead of urs, it reminded me of my Hi5 account.
    I really ♥ this nd I thnk tht phrase ‘UNLESS U R GOOGLE, STOP ACTING LIKE U KNOW EVERYTHING’ shld be scrapped, we shld change it to ‘UNLESS U’VE BEEN TO “AXE YOUR MUMMY”, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING’

    Finally Isi, axe your mummy abt me, she’ll tell u a whole lot more than twitter 😀

    Lexy

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