It is no longer news that the re-occurring mood swings now last longer than the ordinary. It affects us in every aspect of our lives including our relations with family, friends and indeed people those have watched my mood closely without me noticing.
While some observant friends have noticed this turnout, some see the complete opposite. The ones who have noticed the complete opposite have confessed my new found radiance, composition and grace. As flattering as these may sound, the real commendation goes to my inner ability to cover up all my feelings in the best way possible. I do not necessarily blame the few in this category because it takes a lot of effort to suppress sadness, anger, wanderings and still manage to appear as sane as possible but I still manage to.
The observant friends on the other hand have managed to progress from seeing just radiance, composition and grace to being able to read our thoughts and moods. These lots know exactly when to catch you because of their ability to see past the invisible veil we try to cover our feelings with.
We all have to admit that we have FRIENDS and we have friends. The friends are those that we are quick to introduce to third parties as our friends, either because we have known them longer than we remember and they are always ‘around’ when we need to talk. The FRIENDS on the other hand are not always ‘around’ like our friends but whenever we are with them, we find certain proximity and confidence in them because they actually ‘listen’ and they offer workable advises. Now these FRIENDS will not always be ‘around’ unlike our friends and honestly that is because we treat them like our new Brazilian which we intend to use for a while and go back to when next we feel like Brazilian hair. There is nothing like appreciating true FRIENDS, they make it all worth it.
Moving on, mood swings may be characterized by many issues and situations depending on the persons involved. Most of the time we may not necessarily be able to blame this swing on a particular issue because they are either a lot or we cannot bring ourselves to admit such issues are indeed weighing us down. It’s best to use the reason for my own mood swing as a classic example of how even the tiniest of thoughts will mount up to translate itself into an issue.
Now the main motivation behind this write-up is the effect my first relationship has had on me. I recently wandered into my first relationship at the age of 21…yes I know! The reason I gave managed to avoid the drama of being in a relationship is not far from your thoughts but fear was also a barrier. I also can’t help but put some of the blame on a few novels I had stumbled upon in the past where the stories are woven around certain couples and how their lives have been characterized by indescribable love and passion and the stories are endless and the other blame goes to the many relationships that have gone on around me.
Don’t blame me for hoping this would equally manifest itself in my first relationship. Even though I have had friends who have been into relationships and I have even offered relationship advices when the need arose, I sincerely hoped mine would be different for reasons I can’t necessarily place my hands on.
Speaking from my boyfriend’s point of view, he is indeed aware of my status as a first timer and has given me the freedom to express all my ignorance and even condone my excesses in even the worst circumstances. Truth be told, he does try his best but the lapses are still as glaring as possible. He rang whenever he could, most likely when the messages he had sent had been ‘delivered’ but not ‘read’ and texts came in at every given opportunity considering the tedious nature of his job and he made efforts to follow up on all my day to day activities…well you know, your classic boyfriend case.
Back to my humble self, even though I had not expressly opened up to him on the effect the BBM (BlackBerry messenger) was having on my state of mind, I assumed that he would notice but he didn’t. Now slightly stepping back to the effect of the BBM, because of the concurrent impulse to communicate through the application, the need to call has become overrated. The coming into era of this application has nevertheless had its positive impact in terms of communication however its setbacks are equally as obvious.
Communication on the BBM created a barrier between us and it appeared I had been the only one seeing this barrier because I could not tell his feelings, state of mind and indeed his reactions. I did make an effort to cover up the lapses by ringing but at some point, it felt like I had been putting in too much effort in remedying a hopeless case.
It was at this point the mood swings set in, the doubts started piling up and the battle started in my head, ‘maybe he didn’t even love me to begin with’, or ‘I have offended him’, or ‘am not ready for the drama of being in a relationship’ and the ‘ors’ and ‘maybes’ were endless. The lack of proper communication was taking its toil on my 5months relationship so I took a rather obvious step.
The morning I had made up my mind on the next line of action, I couldn’t exactly place my hands on the reason why I was confident of my decision but nevertheless I had been confident. I broke up with my boyfriend via ‘bbm’ at about 11:45am that Saturday morning and to my surprise he took the news better than I hoped which further confirmed that I had taken an indeed bold step.
There had been no further conversations, apologies, convincing as I had ordinarily expected, he simply brought my attention to a few important points I had managed to overlook in my moments of contemplations and the chat had ended with an abrupt ‘Goodbye’. Let’s face it, this is not the way we hope our break-ups will indeed end but then circumstances differ. I have to admit that at that point, I felt a huge burden being lifted from my heart and the mood swing had vanished in seconds.
I was indeed happy and even though there had been no FRIEND around at that point to talk to, you can’t get a good feeling wrong; it just feels so right at that moment. Sunday came right after that and still no word from him. Even though a part of me yearned for at least a flash or a ‘ping’ from him to give me the opportunity to pretend not to want him back, the other part helped me feel strong about my step because I had become much happier and everything felt like it had taken its rightful position in the jigsaw.
There are some twitter accounts being managed by certain persons whose major duties are to inspire people whether in terms of daily news, relationships, marriage, areas of interest e.g. photography etc. The particular page I stumbled upon opened my mind into a different perspective of what a relationship should be characterized by. This may not mean as much to someone else but anyone in a similar circumstance which I had found myself would find meaningful. The write-up in particular that had caught my attention read:
‘THE FACT THAT SOMEONE DOES NOT LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO DOES NOT MEAN THEY HAVE NOT LOVED YOU WITH ALL THEY HAVE GOT’
This was probably what I needed to read to help me set my thoughts rights and prevent me from deciding to break up with someone who had clearly tried his best to meet up with my hopes and curiosity but I was neck-deep into what he could be instead of appreciating what he was at that point. Thankfully, the new week took off with positive energy and my boyfriend getting in touch with me was the highlight of my day and week indeed. It was good to know the point has been made and a new phase has begun in the relationship.
Everyone in our lives have found their way there not by choice but by implication so the least we can do when we acknowledge this fact is to appreciate them for who they are and what they have managed to impart in our lives rather than hope they can be something they are not simply because they are trying to please us.
Now for a first timer who might have come across this, it’s always a good start to remember that people are unique in their own way and relationships will always differ due to this uniqueness and whatever got you into the relationship in the first place is probably good enough reason to help you make an effort to see it work but don’t push it if it clearly isn’t working and mood swings has never helped any situation, instead it messes with your head. Take a cue!
– Imelda Eqwim