JAZZ:DEAR CELEBRITY

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WARNING: Only individuals with a healthy sense of humor need read on, if you are boring and without imagination please STOP reading now.

Good day Mister/Miss famous person,

I would have loved to tell you the contents of this letter personally but ever since you made your 1st million, levels don change. I totally understand, I know all these ordinary people can be extremely annoying.  Fear not, I am not one of them, as an aspiring famous person I felt it necessary to write you this letter so you know someone out there understands your plight.  May the good Lord keep you safe from their envious eyes and may your star continue to shine brightly.

It must be difficult being in your shoes. I’m sure you assumed your life would be better when you attain celebrity status, but alas these “nobodies” have refused to let you drink water and drop the cup. They always want something from you. Just because they spent a mere 150 naira buying your album or movie they think you owe them your life. Do they know the hours, months, weeks or even years you spent creating that master piece that they bought so cheaply?

Two years ago at least you had some semblance of privacy, all that is now history. No thanks to the silly people that invented Twitter.  At least with Facebook you could chose who/what you welcomed into your extended family.  Notice I said what; yes a lot of these ordinary people act like chickens. It isn’t enough that they stalk your timelines with follow back requests, they have the nerve to pass judgment on your every move. Who made them the Encyclopedia of music/art?  Most of them have never seen the inside of a recording booth, not to talk of having any kind of creative talent.

They sit at home or in drab lecture halls and type rubbish on blackberrys they didn’t work for and send them your way. How dare they say your latest song/movie is horrible and besides even if it is, shouldn’t they be grateful you chose to honor them with your amazing gifts?  I laugh when I see them criticize your hard work. It is not as if it matters, you own fleets of cars and your bank account is overweight, they on the other hand still jump okadas from point A to B.
Do they think it is easy to do what you do? I wonder how well they’ll do if they had to fly all over the world – sorry I meant the country (after all not everyone is a Tuface) shooting movies or performing for sellout crowds who’ll chant their names in god-like worship. Just imagine one random ordinary person accusing you of singing in autotune. Wonders will never end, does T-pain not sing in autotune? You do not see the Americans complaining. Nigerians are just too obnoxious for their own good.

Last week one of them had the nerve to say you had terrible stage craft. He was annoyed that you play your CDs and mime to them at shows; he says you should all perform to live bands or not bother.  He was also aggrieved that you barely sing at such shows choosing instead to direct the mike into the crowd and have them sing your entire album.  I shook my head in disgust, why should you stress yourselves with frivolities like a live band.  Besides they’ve heard your voice a million times already are they not tired?  Let them do the singing jare; you too deserve to be entertained.
I can’t imagine how difficult your lives are with all the parties you’re forced to attend. I know you’d rather sit at home and read a book or two. Who needs the beautiful ladies craving your attention, or the look of respect on their faces when you close the VIP section and order expensive bottles of wine? I know you would trade in all that glamour in a heartbeat for the simpler things of life. As for the appearance fees you demand for attending events it’s nothing short of what you deserve. Truth is our lives would be empty without you and for that reason we should never hesitate to worship the ground you walk on.

I shall continue to enlighten the “ordinary folk” in the hope that they one day see the folly of their ways. Dear Celebrity please don’t be discouraged when they malign you and your craft, they are just jealous. However if the pressure gets too much I would be happy to take your place albeit temporarily.  All you need do is get in touch with me and we shall arrange a transfer of funds and status. I promise to hand over your millions and fame back to you whenever you decide you’re ready to resume your lofty position.

If this piece has in anyway offended your sensibilities please blame my obvious lack of common sense. As usual thank you for reading. You may direct your insults my way starting now. OSHE!

Signed “JAZZ” for the Ministry of Silly People.

Jazz

Jazz

A word that best describes me is “complicated”. Love music n addicted to Lagos radio. Confuses fiction with reality, so I strongly advise u take anything I say with a pinch of salt. Blood bleeds Red n Black. Man United - Do not test me. When I die I’d like to have “Here Lies Greatness” on my tombstone. Cocky much, Naughty much, Silly much. That is all.

32 comments

  1. Jazz, I swear, we were twins in another life. Dayummm, but this our telepathic thing eh, does it still work??
    iLoved this.

  2. ahahhahahahaahahahah..*tumbles on the floor and laughs harder*. Who cares sef,i’m from another galaxy,mere humanoids.

  3. @Village Maiden Dearest Twin, Lmao! Thank you for always reading I’m glad u enjoyed it
    @Oge n Le petite Good point
    @creme Ha! Pls find ur voice u’ll need it to commend our ‘stars’
    @Mosally Thank you Ma’am
    @Layee Boo u’ve got me blushing. Thank you for ur faith.
    @Swizz,Hugo n Tobi Thank you all so much
    @HrhUtchay Oh my! Awon Stars is here! Oshe 😀
    @kammi shey, such is d price of our fame d commoners wnt leave us be
    @Lusee Tell ’em Jare!!! Simpletons!
    @Adahna Yelz o! *Raising bottle of Fanta* Cheers felloe Stars!
    @anms n mabijo I’m glad I made your evening a tad bit more pleasant. Thank you for stopping by

    1. LMAO….i finally found the voice o…but ur the one i need to commend most…fantastic writ-up..ur sense of humour is…WOW!!! *still laffing*

  4. Dear Jazz (never been used before for anyone), HA! Errmmm… Lost my train of thoughts cos my mind keeps going back to – everything!
    Umm… Arr.. Errmm… *koff* *splutter* U wee not khee me! Should’ve waited till after breakkie to read dis o!
    I never stopped to think about how ‘us’ common folk must come across. Choi! We can be very tryin o.
    The bestest piece iHav read in a while. Well done.

  5. Still on d matter, notice how some of my ‘cousins’ are famzin with their comments? Already attachin their grapple hooks to ur coat tails “Isioma we kno hu u r, so don’t dare blow up n leave us behind” 😀

  6. gud wrk again jazz, well done…..em em em If u r human, u’ll have 2 learn how to handle criticism. No matter who u r, the president, a doctor, a teacher, a student, a salesman, a musician, etc. u’ll come across criticism in your life.Usually, ppl will give U feedback but bcos u have been conditioned in such a way dat u think u r right, u’ll treat their feedback as criticism or insult. now i’m shy #okbye

  7. @Creme *phew* glad u found ur voice dear…thank u perhaps BasketMouth will retire so I can take his place

    @Franque Oh! I did a double take when I saw “Dear” *now blushing/batting eyelids* coming form a fellow writer ur comment means loads *side eye @the common folk* Yes o! Awon famzers want to steal my heart fear not I have booke our flight to “celeb” 😉

    @ItsMinoll Bless ur heart dear.

    @slimmarian u shy? If only akara could speak, well said hun thanks for reading

    @lorlah pls do enuff of deir disturbance, we need to teach dem to love d stars

    @bcgeorge n finnacle23 Thank u :*

  8. Lmao! Wherefore can I proceed to ask for forgiveness for I have sinned and overstepped my boundaries as an ordinary person. I was too critical of our ‘stars’ and moons’ and had neglected my worship of them. Thanks for the reminder, Jazz.

  9. This gal sef, ‎​U̶̲̥̅̊ too dey burst person head, wetin? Ur innovation nα out of nija o! Kaiii! Thumbs up for ‎​U̶̲̥̅̊ ‎​j̶̲̥̅̊o̲̣̣̣̥o̲̣̣̣̥я.

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