THE FAT NAMING NIGERIAN ENGLISH FACTOR

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Ok, so it seems I like to court controversy or maybe I’ve gotten to that point where I can’t be bothered about being politically correct anymore(hope this doesn’t hurt my running for public office in 2015,though I haven’t decided what political party I’m going to join).

So who here thinks being fat is normal, and by fat I don’t mean big breasts and big bums, but folds and extra adipose tissue.  Yeah, I thought so, a few of you retards might be cool with the extra layer, but seriously on the whole let’s look at it from a neutral point of view. I want to start at the beginning, better put at the Christian beginning, because if you’re a Scientologist you probably believe in the big bang theory.  Adam and Eve were created, one from dust the other a bi-product of that same dust.  It just doesn’t seem like they were fat people, because it also reads that God saw everything He had made and it was very pleasant (a pot belly can’t be described as pleasant, can it?). Even from a medical point of view, right from the moment you popped out, you were already being classified. A baby weighing more than 3.5kg is considered overweight (I see some of you googling, don’t bother I did my homework).

Don’t get me wrong I know I’m going to get a lot of stick for this article but this is a service I owe the community, we need to let go the notion that fat is sexy because it sure isn’t (the only sexy fat person was The black Frank White period) forget what you’ve seen in the movies (Like that “Phat Girls” flick, if Monique was so happy being a fat girl why is she skinnier today?).  I know there is some relation between genetics and extra adipose tissue but there is a genetic relation to almost everything, so spare me.  I know we all can’t be trim and fit like GQ and FHM models, that takes a lot of hard work, really it’s a job! Believe me, I’ve tried several times but can’t seem to get rid of my pot belly.

My message is not for those that stuffed their way to their present weight (truth is most of you are still stuffing and blaming it on genes), but it’s for the young kids of today who are being stuffed, due to the notion that a healthy child is a round and robust child (where did you all get that). Well for your information, you are so wrong; childhood obesity is on the rise, I know this because I saw it on television. Children generally depend on their parents for proper guidance and advice, but most parents are just clueless, when your fat kid becomes a teenager, they won’t thank you for those trips to KFC, they’ll probably resent you for making them the butt of every fat joke.  So please I’m on my knees here asking for the sake of these kids to cut down on the extra cheese and cream and help these kids become future Tom Ford models in their various professions.

 

Parents truly are the best, remember when you were kids and you knew that no matter what, you had two people who you could say loved you no matter what (not in every case I know), when that girl in junior high said you were ugly, you consoled yourself with the fact that your parents said you were a handsome well behaved boy and she probably didn’t know what she was talking about and vice-versa.  Many of us while growing up thought our parents could do no wrong, they were super heroes in their own rights, always coming top of their class while we struggled with the bottom, got great jobs after college and by the age of 25 had been to three or more continents. But the truth is most parents are really clueless, if parents knew what they were doing you wouldn’t have kids with the name Inspector gadget (Nicholas cage really did name his kid gadget) or perpetual light. I mean u probably were so pissed faced during your child’s naming that you came up with such a silly ass name like Perpetual. Really, I don’t believe a name like that was the product of much deliberation. My question is who would date a Perpetual, maybe my aunts’ cook but most definitely not you guys reading this. For those of you turning up your noses and saying this is crap, have you ever met a divine, happy or favour heading a blue chip company. I’ve heard names that make me wonder what cocktail of designer drugs were those parents on. From names such as Happy Friday (this was someone’s name and surname), Delight, Happiness and Divine to the commoner ones Mercy, Grace and Peace. It sure feels like I’m writing a bible verse or something religious. I don’t know whether it’s the advent of Pentecostalism that has brought this about but I sure know it’s a travesty to this young children who are clueless about the true nature of the world, the world is mean but junior high can be such a b****. Trust me we’ve all been there, kids have the foulest mouths and the craziest imaginations. Imagine a perpetual light introducing them self in a Corona or a Grange, or worst still imagine being introduced to a perpetual on a blind date only to find out there’s a light at the end.

Parents please I know child birth is a miracle I mean look at those kids grow, I know you mean them a world of good when you decide what you want them to be called, I also realize you’re thankful to God because not everyone gets that lucky, but do me a favour and pick a good name, if u can’t find something suitable in your native tongue and you have to pick a word from a verse in the bible then go with the native meaning of the word. Your kids would love you for it.

 

I really don’t know who to blame, whether it’s the sudden eminence of Nigerian music or the steady increase in illiteracy or the general thinking that as a nation we should become less westernized and truly more Nigerian. It is commonplace now to hear new and strange words being used in everyday conversation, what is up with that. I love Snoop Dogg but you don’t hear me say “biatch” and “hizzou” when I’m making a sentence. What is it with this new dialect where being local is becoming something of a vogue.  I mean in a country where grammar is already whored, why would the bastardizing of the English language become a lifestyle thing, it’s bad enough that we still sweep the streets with brooms after a PDP campaign(it really happened), so why would we deliberately add to the cankerworm already having desserts in our society. In a society where the average graduate is not literally sound, where the English language (still the leading language in the world) is disrespected, even the president’s wife pays it no respect. Have you heard some of our so called political aspirants use the language, if words were bombs we would practically have an Iraqi situation on our hands. Don’t get me wrong I saw the movie ”Biggs girl”, I love D’banj and Wizkid and I love that phrase UTUNU,but I don’t want my broadcast, adverts and general conversations to be ridiculous ALL THE TIME because it’s in vogue.  I already have Africa Magic for that. Informally its cool and all, but where do we draw the limits. So the next time you want to say something clever, please don’t dull.

This article was the work of Precious Monday, who was obese as a kid(true story you can axe my mommy) and is a Badt guyz who knows other guyz. Oshe! Monday lomo!

datboy_NOT

datboy_NOT

Who am I? Simply put I’m N.O.T or simpler still NUTS. I love life - the ups, the downs, the merry go rounds, but most of all I love that babe that carried me for nine months ... She’s my inspiration, my role model. I can kill for music & I’ve seen enough movies to tell u the end; I love women & hanging out especially with my peoples. On that note enjoy my articles; sometimes it’ll be funny, sometimes long & annoying but most times it’ll just be nutty.

15 comments

  1. Lmao…folks actually named me perpetual..lol. I resented my folks for a long time though..but they mean well..lol. Nice Read

  2. long ass boring post.if ur askin pple to loose weight, dont do it in an insultin manner. its insensitive and shows how low you think of yourself. n no i am not a fat chic. hissss!poorly written article. on 2 d nxt 1

  3. thank u jare on the “fat is not sexy shit”! we see love handles and rolls and sweetcoat it as plus size or curvy,.,no ur FAT! dammit!i was just from linda ikejis blog where some clueless human beings were sayin she looked beta b4!i was lyk,.,r u fukkin kidding me!she was fat,.nd now she is fit!

  4. This writer is a mad man, damn! But the article is funny sha.
    Miss curly I think ms Hudson looked better fat, my opinion though,drastic weight loss somtyms makes u look worse cos ur so use to the bigger person nd u weren’t given tym to adjust to d sudden change.
    And ify, I think u misjudge d writer,I’m sure he’s jst being a dick,no harm intended.(But ur opinion)see hw cool perpetual is abt d whole thing. Well I’m jst sayin.

  5. Honestly, d article was BOOOOORIIING!!!! Wow! I really tried hard to read thru to d end… Cldnt.. Nd d weak attempt to sound intelligent just didnt work for me. There r so many better (nd more interesting and intelligent)ways to get ur point across.

  6. I definitely concur with the above poster. Yaaawwnn….what an insulting snooze fest…and I say this as a size 0 chick. The writer’s trying to come across as non-chalant and funny while being honest, but all I see is a snarky sub-par writer.
    Frankly, the best writer on this entire site is Franque, a few others like N6 and the ‘Potent’ chick are entertaining, and Nobs doesn’t write as much…besides he’s lost his edge. Editor, streamline this website, fire some people, and send some write-ups back for rewrites.

  7. Well, the only important thing in life is heaalth. You may be the right size and still be unhealthy. I like the fact that pple are starting to embrace who they are, fat or thin. I have seen so many models die of anorexia. I think the writer is writing from personal experience and thats why the article sound so bitter, don’t worry, being overweight can be challenging, but its best to not always think of self image, after all there is nothing like a body is a terrible thing to waste, rather a MIND is a terrible thing to waste, so focus on who u are on the inside and quite having low self esteem.

  8. Very dry and boring article,u were obviously bein insensitive n all..Truth is hw much betta are u than d fellow humans u are criticizing with ur wack ass opinions..

  9. Can you all shut up … Its obvious , ya’all are fat asses , he just said , what it is , sensitive or not , its the truth ,cant you just live with the truth.. Ladies have problems with being told that they are fat , yet they eat , eat and can actually consume a whole cow .. The main problem with naija babes , skinny , fat or average is just the pot belly .. too much food , alatenuje… KMT !!

    1. Wow…I’m guessing you’re a dude. If you’re not a 6-pack-having, finer than Denzel dude, I’ma need you to shut your ugly ass up. The main problem with dudes, even Naija dudes is double standards. I bet you have a potbelly and don’t fall in the hot-guy category, but you’re a dude so you can criticize, abi? Ugly-ass dudes who eat too much, sit on their fat asses too much, have unimpressive intellects judge chicks when they themselves are not the shit, or even close to it. Abeg park well. Nonsense!

  10. Ouch! James that musta stung. Ntoooin. I hope it leaves a scar. And really, the post is very insulting and offensive. Not to mention boooooring. Oh and I’m a very hot size 10. But u just don’t take people apart like this. Its insensitive and unfair. I even spotted the word ‘Retard’ somewhere in there. Tsk tsk…

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