No BS: To My Unborn Son

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Dear Son,
Welcome to the world!

This will serve as part of a series of letters I will be writing to you from time to time based on my experiences in life (my memoirs you can read much much later!!!)

Let’s start with your name; you are Noble Igwe II pronounced as Noble Igwe the 2nd. I chose this name for the sake of isa isi (washing head) because it will always project the fact that you are royalty. Not the Okunoren twins kind of royalty o! Just a special kind of royalty that will make chicks like you thinking you are next in line for the throne. While my father did not provide me with such a platform or even a Harvard education, I’ll work hard to give you an expensive education.

If you are tall, that means I went out of my way to look for a taller woman or one that has the tall genes in her family. I suffered a lot from not being tall. I was insulted and was even referred to as “brief Noble”. While I never considered myself tall, I wasn’t short either but people for some reason preferred to call me short. Mana ya dibalu chukwu.

Noble Igwe II, you don’t have a big head, say Amen. I suffered for the size of my head. I can’t really say how big it is because I can still buy helmets, face caps and all sorts of head gear without having to check out the extra-large section. Why people still refer to my head as big, I did/do not understand.

I’ve never been to the hospital to complain that the size of my head is too heavy or anything but son, I’ll save you the insults. I’ll avoid every lady with a big head as far as marriage is concerned but you should also know that the one with the big head in most cases is the one with loads of ideas. Not to talk about the ‘satisfaction’ ‘head’ gives to ladies (This we will discuss further when you grow up).

Trust me; nobody will insult you as regards the size of your head either on 360nobs.com or bellanaija.com. By the way, Uche founded bellanaija, look out for her daughter and ‘wife’ her. She’s a brilliant woman and apples don’t fall far from the tree.

Son, now that we are done with the preamble, let’s move straight to the main reason I’m writing you this first letter, many more will follow.

Noble Igwe II, there would be no naughty corner in the house; NOT IN MY HOUSE! We will deal with every issue that requires flogging adequately. We’ll have different canes for different reasons. There will be a cane for wetting your bed after a particular age; for getting involved in a fight; in fact, for almost everything that’s bad. I know they might have told you in school that it’s regarded as child abuse if I flog you, but my dear, let me give you a little warning; sending you to sell oranges on the street, is child abuse, letting adults touch you in particular ways, is child abuse. But flogging you? No way! You are my son and I’ll flog you wherever and whenever. I will not spare you for you to become spoilt because fathers are expected to know what is right for their children.

Interestingly, as you will come to learn, in Africa—especially in Igbo land—one person does not train a child. What does this mean? It means that if Mama Emeka that sells Ugba by the junction should see you misbehaving she has the right to beat you and bring you home for more beating by either your mum or I. You are probably wondering if I was ever flogged. My father (your grandfather) can represent Nigeria at the Olympics in flogging. There was this time I sprained my arm playing street football while I was supposed to be attending after school lessons. My father took me to the hospital for treatment, waited 2 months for my arm to heal and then beat the crap out of me.

So son, erase the idea of calling the cops for me. This is Nigeria; we don’t condone such attitude. While at some point, I was thinking that we need to equip you with a blue passport, I might just change my mind. But regardless of where you are born, I’m your father and you cannot arrest me.

Sometimes I’ll flog you for no particular reason just so that you know that I can read your mind and I feel it when you say “I hate you dad”.

However, on a very serious note, don’t you ever think of going into your room and locking the door in the name of being angry or pissed.You can do that when you move into your own house but never in my own house, Inugo? There would be days when I’ll want to beat you and your mother will stand in my way, I’ll respect her at that moment but please be advised that you’ll still chop that cane.

Noble II, it’s getting late and I know you must be tired, so I’ll stop here for today.

Be a good boy and go easy on the Ben100 PS4 games.

I love you and will provide for you.

See you at home later tonight.

Best regards,

Dad

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind.
He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys.
Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS.

Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid

Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

19 comments

  1. beautiful letter…being Noble Igwe must come with lotsa responsibilites,I must say…the boy go chop enough cane…

  2. Nwannem….u r just crazie…..every line of dis write up is just crazie….kai…Oballa Emma!!! But finally we had dis convo at work yesterday nd me I go flog my pikins dem oo…

  3. Nobs,dis 1 U don already pre-determine d sex of Ur child,wat if na girl,e go still apply ne? Also,is dis a spin-off of Ur Co-writer on 360nobs, AIRtiquette’s “Letter to my Unborn Child” #JuzCurious. Mayb I shld be expecting Babe Dee’s version soon, NO? LoL

  4. So many lines got me laughing like crazy despite it being the middle of the night. Needless to say, I appear crazy (ier) than normal…
    a. “Noble Igwe II, you don’t have a big head, say Amen.”
    b. “Trust me; nobody will insult you as regards the size of your head either on 360nobs.com or bellanaija.com.” (People do insult the size of your head a lot…a helluva lot ‘specially on BN.)
    c. “Sometimes I’ll flog you for no particular reason just so that you know that I can read your mind and I feel it when you say “I hate you dad”. (That was a flashback to Basketmouth’s standup routine…hilarious!)

  5. From what i hv read,u intend having ur kids outside 9ja!! Hmmmm,,white or black gal!? Well, gudluck to ur letter or should i say PLANS.

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