Memoirs Of A SLU…shhkid: Wk 40

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This is coming in late ..No, this is coming in very very late. According to a particular kele, “It’s past 12noon and memoirs is not yet up.” Expecting memoirs is now like sex with you. It takes forever to “cum”.

To be candid, I wasn’t expecting Ejiro to pull such a fast one on me because I was really nice to her. She never told me she was bringing over some friends but I treated them well regardless. It was my fault; I would have gone Ariaria market 101 on her.

Let me tell you a bit about Ariaria market One-0-One. Ariaria is one of Nigeria’s biggest markets located in Aba, Abia State and it is home to almost everything referred to as “Aba Made”. Most of the traders are wealthy but uneducated. Just like every other person, they also like the good things of life and this include pretty educated women. However, the women on the other hand, treat them like shit and are mostly only interested in all the good things their money can afford. At some point, some of the traders came together to discuss the solution of confirming the entire plan before paying for anything. That meeting birthed Ariaria Market 101.

So here’s how it goes:

Babe: Baby, I really want to eat something
Dude: What do you have in mind, honey?
Babe: Maybe something from Mr. Biggs
Dude: Let’s go, baby’m
Babe: Okay baby

At Mr. Biggs

Babe: biko, nyem double portions of jollof rice, 6 pieces of fried chicken, 3 chicken pies, 4 egg rolls and 1 big packet juice. Also 4 portions of Jollof rice and chicken. Everything takeaway.
Sales girl: N15,000 for everything Ma.
Dude: Erm baby, I hope you are still sleeping at my house like we discussed – (Ariaria Market 101).

Her answer will determine if you’ll pay or not – YES – produce wallet; NO – stroll away

If I had used Ariaria Market 101 the case would have been different. But God knows, she would have paid sha and may still pay for it. Let me take you back to 2007.

In December 2007, I was in Calabar for a sponsored event and there I met this chic. We kicked if off or so I thought but then she had other plans. We fixed loads of dates but she never showed up. First she said she wasn’t ever going to visit me in the hotel which I didn’t mind so much but she went ahead to say that we won’t be able to see at all in Calabar. I tried to push but she said we should leave everything for Port Harcourt.

Finally we got to Port Harcourt and agreed to meet a certain night, at the agreed time; I called her more than 200 times from about 7pm to 9pm. She didn’t pick, even though in-between the rings, I noticed that my calls were waiting. She finally picked up about 9:15pm with a voice so low you’d think she had been sleeping for years.

Kem: Hello, I’m asleep. Can we see tomorrow?
Nobs: Is everything ok? I’ve been calling you all night.
Kem: So sorry. I‘ve been sleeping. Just call me tomorrow.

So I dropped and called her back in few minutes with a friend’s phone.

Nobs: Hey!
Kem: Who is this?(in her full I’m-awake-and-ready-to-party-voice)
Nobs: I’m the one
Kem: Mike, is that you? Are you downstairs already? I’m coming now

I dropped the phone and decided that I was going to pay her back in her coin.

We didn’t meet in Port Harcourt but agreed that I was going to fly her to Lagos to spend the weekend with me. Three days to the agreed departure day I got a call from her.

Kem: Hey Boo!
Nobs: Hey baby! (I was so excited that she called me boo as it was the first time).
Kem: I want to ask you for a favour but I’ll understand if you cannot do it, baby.
Nobs: Go ahead and ask
Kem: My girl friend wants to come with me. You don’t have to pay for her ticket, but if she pays I may have to go with her to her aunt’s house. I have not flown business class before and if you do it for me, I will totally make it worth your while.
Nobs: Business for one or two?
Kem: Just for your baby jor.

I was about to say something when I overheard the friend say “your mugu go pay for my ticket

That statement broke my heart and I paid her back the only way I could. I agreed to pay for her business class ticket and economy for her friend. I booked tickets on VN, asked my colleague to check them in late with the note *999: Passengers checked in late * *999: Passengers to pay on arrival at LOS*

On getting to Lagos, their luggage were seized and they were informed that their booking said they‘ll be paying in Lagos. She called as expected

Kem: Noble, we are being embarrassed at the airport. They are saying we have to pay or something.
Nobs: Well, tell your friend, I’m not such a mugu after all. Oh! by the way, I was the person that called you with my friend’s phone in PH.
Kem: Noble, I don’t understand. Does that mean we will pay for the tickets? We don’t have any money with us.
Nobs: Well, in that case, you may wish to call your friend’s aunty or Mike.
Kem: Noble, please save me from this embarrassment.
Nobs: Baby, I need to go. Call me when you are settled.

We met months later and became friends but I thought her one lesson, I was born with no mumu button.

Let’s move a bit forward to 2009.
So I went for a child’s naming ceremony somewhere in Gbagada. I sat on the same table with a certain chic, we got talking and exchanged phone numbers. We spoke on the phone for like two weeks with her dropping hints about her boyfriend this and her boyfriend that. One Sunday evening I got a call from her

Yinka: Nobs, i need your help
Nobs: What do you want?
Yinka: I need to pay 45k for my bed space in UNILAG and my mum is not in town.
Nobs: What about your boy friend?
Yinka: We broke up two days ago. Can I come and see you?
Nobs: I’m at home in Lekki
Yinka: Just send me your address and I’ll come.

So I sent her my address and about an hour later she called to inform me that they wouldn’t let her cab into the estate because of its colour. I drove to gate and that was when it all started.

Nobs: I’m at the gate
Yinka: I’ve seen your car. I’m coming.

She walked to my car.

Yinka: I need 3k to pay for our cab
Nobs: Our? Are you with anybody?
Yinka: Yes, my cousin
Nobs: And you didn’t think it was wise to inform me first.
Yinka: I’m so sorry. Please let me just pay for the cab.

She paid, we got to the house and the cousin followed us into my room. So I decided to play it sharp by sending her as sms “Yinka, is your cousin sleeping with us or should I take her to the visitors room.” Her reply: “Please she can’t sleep alone. Na wah! Just because I asked you for this small money now you want to sleep with me.

At a point, I went into the toilet to ease myself and I overheard both of them discussing me

Yinka’s cousin: Abeg is he not going to take us out?
Yinka: My own is to just to collect the money

So I came out from the room, went to my kitchen and prepared her money. I got an old bank statement envelope, cut papers the size of money, and filled the envelope with paper. With enough paper, I then inserted 1k that you can see through the transparent bit. It was heavy and ready.

7am the following morning, I dropped them at Lekki phase 1 gate and when she got out of my car, I passed her the envelope and drove off. Worst part, she didn’t even say thank you. By the time I got to Bonny Camp, the sms came in “You will suffer for this, I’m on my period and I’ll use the blood to pray for you. You will see what will happen to a wicked man like you

My reply was simple “Use the same blood, baff naked and ask for money to be deposited in your account. If it happens, then your prayer will work. I did not buy anything from you. I hope you have enough for your cab though

Fast forward to present day..I’m a changed man

Nothing happened last weekend. I went to Abeokuta on Friday for a burial and Ijebu Ode for another burial.

Sunday March 20, 2011.
6.00pm:
Sunday was just like any other Sunday until I was informed that someone at the door looking for me. I was wondering why they wouldn’t let the person in until I walked to the door.

There she was looking all fly and different. She was like nothing I used to know …like fresh off the runway

Ada: I brought you my wedding invitation. Please don’t ask me to go

I took it from her and it was real…. It hit me, Ada is gone from me

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind.
He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys.
Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS.

Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid

Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

48 comments

  1. @Nobs…abeg just becos people yabbed u for falling mugu u went to dig up all dese old stories to prove dat u know how to pay back…do ejiro strong tin n show us proof then we’l agree u’r a papa in this game…meanwhile wat u said to dat Yinka chic funny DIE!!!

  2. *Laugh don scatter my dada*
    Noble biko hapum o! Oh my days; that ph – los voyage was the ish. That girl no go try call another male, mugu, ever again.
    U b badt guy sha o!!!

  3. @nobs lwkmd *999: Passengers
    checked in late * *999:
    Passengers to pay on arrival
    at LOS* dat was sm move. Nobs, we guy’s always fall mumu, even nw as am writin dis i think am jst been sm1 mugu n she do 9ja gals always used dat *i’m sleepin voice when dia nt* SMH 4 sm babes

  4. this is my best read so far! I laughed so haaarrrdddd that I spilled coffee all over myself…
    Is it the airport part,or is it the money/papers in the envelope part??? Dayummm,I wish I were a guy,so I would deploy these tactics… I’ll show this to my brothers….heck,one of them bought a phone for a girl he’s still toasting…kai!

  5. “You will suffer for this, I’m on my period and I’ll use the blood to pray for you. You will see what will happen to a wicked man like you”

    hahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha OVOKO!!!!

  6. Ok! probably the best published memoir till date! Good work bruv!
    Nice trick you played with them, couldn’t stop laffing.

    There are girls out like Ada and even better abeg, let her go!

    You messed up buh who doesnt mess up one time or the other. Move on Abegi

    I’ll say again, wonderful article!

    Keep the flag flying high.

  7. Ok noble dt part of d envelope wiv one thousand naira, when u gave me dt gist in 2009 u said it u put in two five hundred naira notes… Jst claryfing

  8. *In lynxx’s voice,”Noble utunu, U are one badt guy putunu, may I never fall sutunu, in ur trap ever kutunu.”* This is my best slussh memoirs ever.thumbs up man

  9. Gbam! article eleyi o badt gan. a maried friend, Tunde got a hold of an ex fone recently @ a mutual friend’s wedding, he tried to dial his number just randomly and guess what came up “T,Atm 3”.LWKUD

    Attitudes lyk dis from ‘all these gurlz'(run gurlz, aristo chics) has denied some good women with pure intentions of help in times of need just bcos men dnt wana fall as mugu………#sadtmuch

  10. Haven’t read memoirs in A while, tell me this “ada” isn’t the sweet village girl? Isn’t she like in school? Where is she marrying to?
    ,

  11. Nobs,the very good bad guy,Ejiro’s so lucky that you have turned a new leaf.

    You just have to free Ada (shit happens) but don’t forget to attend the wedding..

    nice article

  12. SHERT!!! ADA KE? NOBS, YOU NEED A COLD BATH, AND TELL HER(ADA) TO LEAVE YOU BECAUSE OUT OF SIGHT IS DEFINITELY OUT OF MIND!
    P.S: YOU NEED BIOLA’S SCRUB-DOWN TO CLEAR UR PROBLEMS #JUSSAYING

  13. Noble, ur a badt guy!!! Some girls just like 2paint us all black but u didnt fall ma hand. Pay back is such a beeach!! Nice one dude, more oil in ur lamp.

  14. nice one.those girls got what they deserved…abeg flee from Ada and whatever temptation she might bring along with her.let her be where she belongs…the past.

  15. Dis z crazy funny!!! Jst kept checkn up n d bookmark waiting 4 dis wk’s post! Neways, I’m hapi 4 Ada…hope he’ll make her happy!

  16. wicked!!!! best memoir so far! nice job nobs…i was not born wit a mumu button lmao. make i read am again sef lol

  17. Hilarious as always.I so love the way you express your mind. Ada is a very good girl that loves you to bits but surely you didn’t love her on equal measure. Don’t cry over spilt milk,move on,that’s if u haven’t already. You don’t need someone so cool,though I have a feeling that with d right buttons,you’ll turn her into what u want. It happens.

  18. Chai. Nobs is amna after my heart. Ifell mugu to this jamo babe recently who i met through a close friend of mine. she wanted to date me but warned me not to tell my friend as she likes to keep her business to herself. i thought what a wise girl until three dates later she was telling the same friend how she naever pays for anything and how she uses men to get everything she ever wanted. I have a Nobs style payback for her which i will tell you guys about later.

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