Memoirs Of A SLU…shhkid: Wk 39

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I hate Mondays and this has nothing to do with work. There are very few Mondays that I love though – like Easter Monday & all other Mondays that fall on public/bank holidays. It’s a Monday and No! it’s not a public holiday. Now, you know how I feel about today.

Last week, I mentioned that I’ve been thinking about settling down or starting a serious relationship…

I’m not very old but any yam my age cannot be roasted. Ima n’ onwere ji n’akari ihu n’oku’. I’m just tired of the embarrassment and constant harassment at weddings. I don’t know why older married woman think it’s their birthright to decide when you should be married. I’ve stopped attending weddings because I got tired of answering questions like “When you calling us?”, “When are we meeting her?” “Is she the one?

I am getting tired of waiting for the right person, so I’ve decided to start writing letters to my future wife & kids in the anticipation that the right person will emerge soon enough. You can read the 1st of my letters here (to my unborn son).

Now where were we So different things went through my mind while checking out the boobies from the gap between the buttons of her shirt. As an expert in the boobs department, I knew that if pressed together, those boobies can make one come.

Ejiro: What are you looking?
Nobs: Stuff
Ejiro: What stuff?
Nobs: Stuff stuff
Ejiro: You are funny
Nobs: People say that alot about me
Ejiro : So what’s your plan for the night?
Nobs: Get you drunk, take you home with me.
Ejiro: On a serious note na
Nobs: No plans. I’m here for work and I’ll be leaving on Saturday.
Ejiro: Oh okay. Need to go home tonight sha
Nobs: Can we see tomorrow then?
Ejiro: What time?
Nobs: You tell me
Ejiro: 9pm! Here
Nobs: Oh ok. Let me have your number

We exchanged numbers and she left; I chilled for more drinks while checking out other Warri babes. Looking all around, I realised that we might actually be living a very fake life in Lagos. I saw babes who were so happy with their potbellies and didn’t care if drinking big stout straight from the bottle was regarded as being razz. I saw loads of tattoos and soon realised that a tattoo over stretch marks is fashion forward.

I saw a girl with a tattoo of a cross on her left breast, maybe she got the tattoo before the stretch marks or after the stretch marks but with the stretch marks, what you see in a cross behind bars.

2:00am
I got back to the hotel room and in the absence of a kele, I switched on my lappy and watched Dark Blue until sleep took over.

Friday March 11,2011.
9:00am
Did you know that a duvet  can determine how much sleep you get or how much you enjoy your sleep in a cold room. The duvet in my room was so cool; I made up my mind that I was going to ‘relocate’ it to Lagos. Like I always say, I’m not a thief, I just collect and relocate certain things. I’ve seen people who collect stamps and other things. I collect hotel towels on rare occasions, the duvet. I don’t steal them I just relocate them.

I called the restaurant and ordered yet again another plate of rice and fish. Done with food, I went back to watching Dark blue.

4:00pm
I slept off at some point and woke up at about 4pm. I rushed to my phone, hoping to see a missed call or text message from Ejiro informing me that she wants to come visit me in the hotel but I saw none of the above. The hours dragged on until 8:00pm and that was when I called her.

Ejiro: Mr ‘Nobel’
Nobs: Hey Ejiro. How was your day?
Ejiro: It was fine. Are you there at the bar already?
Nobs; No, I’m about to leave my hotel room. Should I pick you?
Ejiro: No, We will meet you there?
Nobs: Oh you are coming with someone?
Ejiro: I’m coming with some of my friends.
Nobs: Oh okay. See you there.

I got off the phone and that was when my eyes opened. Did I hear her well? “My friends”!!! I hate “ Me and my friends” date. I didn’t plan for a date involving loads of people and she didn’t specify numbers. I nearly got cold feet and felt like calling off the date but a part of me really wanted to see her.

I got to THE PUB about 8:58 and they walked in about 5 minutes after. “They” meant 5 chics and if not for shame, I would have ran away. I had about 30k on me, no ATM card and there was no way anybody was going to let me sign any bill. I thought about ordering things on their behalf, you know like calling on the barman and saying “Please get us 5 bottles of Malt and a bottle of water” but from what I have heard about Warri girls, there was no way that was going to fly with them.

Ejiro to Bar man: Oga, abeg bring 4 small stout, one star, erm Nobel what do you want?
Nobs: Water
Ejiro: and one water.

I was about to thank God when one of the chics said “don’t bring the small stout, bring one Hennessey“. Truth be told, I did a mental calculation and that gave like 22k off my 30k.I was confused and didn’t know if I should tell them the truth or go on with the ‘Lagos Big boy’ impression. They went ahead to order 3 more cans of Red bull. I was scared but didn’t want to show it cos the money I had on me was supposed to take care of my breakfast, airport taxi in Warri and Lagos as well as any other expense.

So we got drinking with the girls taking turns to dance with each other; I waited for about 30minutes before moving Ejiro to a corner.

Nobs : Eji, I have been looking at you all night and I don’t know if I should really share my thoughts.
Ejiro : About what?
Nobs ; I know I just met you but it feels like I’ve known you all my life.
Ejiro : Bros Nobel na wah
Nobs: Never mind, I know you were not going to believe me. Anyways, maybe I should leave it until you come to Lagos.
Ejiro : I’m not coming to Lagos soon.
Nobs : I’ll fly you.
Ejiro ; Really?
Nobs : Yes. Can you make next weekend?
Ejiro : Are we not rushing it? Well, if you insist, I’ll come with Joy.
Nobs : It seems you don’t move alone?
Ejiro : Joy is my cousin and she has not been to Lagos.
Nobs : Well,that’s not a problem.We’ll discuss it later tonight.
Ejiro : Ok! What time are you leaving?
Nobs : Tomorrow?
Ejiro : Yes
Nobs : 11 something. I’m not so sure but I’ll check when I get back.
Ejiro : Just let me know
Nobs : Erm are you not going with me tonight?
Ejiro : I can’t oooo. I didn’t tell my auntie that I wouldn’t be coming back.
Nobs : you can leave early in the morning.
Ejiro : I will be feeling somehow because I dey my mine.
Nobs : You mean you are on?
Ejiro : yes, I’m seeing my menses.

At that point, all I wanted to do was go outside, get into my cab and go back to the hotel. I just finished ordering drinks almost 30k only for her to say to say that she’s on. Who does that? That’s fraudulent and shouldn’t be encouraged. Why can’t chics say things like
Please before you buy me anything, I’m on my period and may not be able to do anything with you“? That way you’ll make up your mind if you still want to go ahead with the spending.

I felt cheated and thought of leaving them behind without paying for the drinks but I thought about karma and the possibility that she may go to the airport the following day to wait for me. I went in, stayed a bit asked for the bill and went back to the hotel alone, frustrated and 27k poorer.

9:00am
I woke up and saw 8 missed calls from Ejiro. I called her back
Ejiro : Good morning
Nobs : Hey, I saw your missed calls.
Ejiro : Yes. I called to know if you slept well and I also want to know if we should prepare to visit you next weekend because we need to inform our aunty early enough.
Nobs : Yes, we are still on.
Ejiro : I hope you’ll call me when you get to the airport.
Nobs : Yes, I’ll do just that, can you come to my hotel to help me pack.
Ejiro : I still dey clean house. It’s a staurday na.
Nobs: Ok . I hope you are fine tho
Ejiro : Yes but I don’t have credit. Can you send me small MTN like 750.
Nobs: I’ll do that. Speak later.

Out of anger and frustration, I decided to relocate the duvet. I forced it into my box, called the reception for a cab and sat down in the room to wait. They called me from the reception to inform me that the cab had come, I put the box in the cab, dropped my key hoping that they wouldn’t notice the ‘relocation‘ and asked to cab man to head straight to the airport. I got to the airport at 11:05am only to be informed that my flight left at 10:25am and I had to wait for the next one at 5pm. I blamed everything on Ejiro and deleted her number.

Later that evening, I arrived Lagos with the duvet and hatred for all Ejiros…

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

58 comments

  1. You are seriously on your own this week.
    I was thinking it will b an Ijb gurl.
    Hopefully she comes to gidi …….good luck

  2. LMAO!!!!
    Bros Nobel …with all ur experience u still fall mugu for waffi gal….u af F*uck up sha (abandon my portugese) …. LWKM4H

  3. ‘ALMIGHTY NOBS’ sulking just because wafsgidi babe chop am?
    Quit pouting young man…and get mouving jo.

  4. Bros ‘Nobel’ you have fallen my hand oh! Who would think that small Ejiro would play the almighty Nobel? Anyway I hope the duvet gives you the desired warmth you need. Fulltime… Ejiro 3-0 Nobs… Can’t wait for the return leg

  5. Bigheaded Noble. e serves u right …U think people in Warri dnt read ur blog. am Eji baby’s best friend and as soon as she told me dat she meant u, i told her dat we shud eat ur mony. U think all women r stupid like d 1s u use in Lagos.
    Na God save u say u no send ticket money.
    and as well Ejiro wasnt on her period…stupid maga. Pls let us know when ur comin down again so dt we fit arrange 2 chop more of ur mony

  6. Ok ok ok..,nwanne umu nwanyi a eriala gi mugu oh..o ife di gi mma u no do am with sense of an anambra man..wen she told u dat she was kumin with her friends u 4 tell am u dnt do friends just her alone nah or leave em bail after dem order d drinks..27k u 4 give 1 motherless babies..start using anambra sense nwanne…chai..uwa bu paw paw mehn..bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  7. ermmm,Nobs…you actually stole a duvet????? Call it ”relocation” or whatever,what is bad is bad…I really hope you were joking though…if you actually stole it,then I must say you’re a lowlife….

        1. EVERYBODY? please speak for yourself. i def don’t- highest, toiletries, which are default freebies. Towels may be acceptable, but duvets are a bit much. classic villager move.

  8. wait o did u just agree to fly ejiro AND her cousin to gidi? omo mehn trust she will be ”ill” when she comes lwkmd d babe strong pass u o she brought all them babes n left without dropin n still had the nerve to call n ask for ”small” credit dude run o wafi girls no b gidi babes o.

  9. as the saying goes…Warri no dey carry last

    @Jane..t, you are exicted for 30k….girly you must be CHEAP

    @Rosie… you have got to be kidding me or you actually have chicken brains

  10. #OneWord Played!now its left for u to decide if u wanna cut ur losses or go ahead wit the game,u might get the tail later but i can guarantee she’s gonna be heavily paid for it.

  11. Buhahahaha nobz na wah 4 u, is it everywhr u go u mus do ah ah so u r 1 of dez nigerians that spend small change & expect 2 enta pants GOD catch u…llooolll

    1. Yup! The higher the stars, the greater the likelihood of relocation…that’s some law, I just can’t remember. Hotels overcharge us for everything anyways. Besides, how does relocation of shampoos, shower caps, and bathroom slippers differ from duvets? Never done the latter before but me reckons it’s all the same. Loosen up mate!

      BTW…dudes should remember this Warri babe before insulting Lagos chicks.

  12. am rolling on the floor ….coke in mouth ..hoping i dont spill it on my suit !!! Noble enter 1 chance ……just whn i thought it was only lagos chicks that were long things…..

  13. Bros nobel! U don killi me today wit laff…. See how warri babe do u strong thing! Wow! This is certainly d funniest memoirs in a while… Pls go to warri more… Still rolling…

  14. I see we takers and relocators of hotel property are plenty!!! @sourpuss aka rosie…. Try and relax! It’l make u look beauriful! Lol

  15. Lmao @ the takers…..we could also be referred to as the Room Raiders!! *insert theme song* sowie Nobs darling, at least the duvet will keep u warm on cold lonely nights.

  16. This is very angry….as much as I enjoy ur escapades, I hope u can now see that its time to settle down. Memoirs wount be so boring with a wife who is sexualy spontaneous and a 5 year old son who is asking if He is allowed to open his crush’s pant in school.

  17. This is the sickest sluusssh….I laffed so hard and choked on my dinner! Waffi I hail o!
    I really enjoyed this dude….still laffing! Plus I’m joining the takers club starting small tho…towel and fins..hehehehehe

  18. That’z wat Ʋ get wen Ʋ do cheap keles!sorrie oooo! ‎​=))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=))… Just in case of next tym!

  19. I don’t understand y some peeps r tryna shoot @rosie down. Truth be told, the governors, senators and all them other Pen thieves in d government today, started ‘relocating’ hotel towels and things, then they thought, relocating some funds wasn’t so bad, considering the country had been hard on them growing up( the war and all).Most of you here, shred these politicians, and then come here to okay this? Smh….what double standards!
    Please stealing in any form is wrong, don’t come here to justify that peeve….nna mehn, mbanu….onye oshi azu fridge is killed in Onitsha, what then will happen 2 a duvet thief, abi ‘RELOCATOR’? Story is funi bt I dnt condone the selfish act……

    1. Dear Villlage Maiden,

      Indeed you are a village maiden. you should relax, and dont burst a vein in your forehead..
      if by now you cant distinguish between jokes, then, the air you inhale in that village is affecting your brain.
      Keep you political view with the kins men in your village OK!!!!!

  20. This is actually d first time am reading this. Hahahahaha this is so funny where u think say u dey before?u get luck say them nor chop food join. U cracked me up tho really funny

  21. Bt seriously u shld get into a serious rship n choose to settle dwn. It wldnt b borin readin stuffs bou ur wifey n kids cos pple wld get tired of same stories bou how u screwed titi or bola or gbemi they wld look forward to somthing new n real trust moi.

  22. Bt seriously u shld get into a serious rship n choose to settle dwn. It wldnt b borin readin stuffs bou ur wifey n kids cos pple wld get tired of same stories bou how u screwed titi or bola or gbemi they wld look forward to somthing new n real trust moi.truth b told u r a good writer

  23. Dear Miami fan,
    Its obvious u need lectures on jokes. Am guessing the air in miami has crippled ur brain and slowed u generally.I know u are used to seeing blood on ur forehead every second of ur life, unfortunately, I av no inkling as what u’d look like….or even what that is.
    My opinion is mine and can/will be aired wherever, afterall, last I checked, the post acomment box didn’t have ‘limited comments’ as a title.
    Inside tip: learn not to run ur mouth when the urge arises, u just end up showing ur stupid side to a world that judges based on first impressions

    Ps: I am truly a village maiden,now go, jump into a pool with sharks.

  24. lmao!!!!!!!! oh, y’all weird non-relocating people should just STFU!!!! if u don’t “relocate” or “move” or “shift” things from hotels, i guess u’re lodging in the wrong hotels *griffy shrug*

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