I hate Mondays and this has nothing to do with work. There are very few Mondays that I love though – like Easter Monday & all other Mondays that fall on public/bank holidays. It’s a Monday and No! it’s not a public holiday. Now, you know how I feel about today.
Last week, I mentioned that I’ve been thinking about settling down or starting a serious relationship…
I’m not very old but any yam my age cannot be roasted. Ima n’ onwere ji n’akari ihu n’oku’. I’m just tired of the embarrassment and constant harassment at weddings. I don’t know why older married woman think it’s their birthright to decide when you should be married. I’ve stopped attending weddings because I got tired of answering questions like “When you calling us?”, “When are we meeting her?” “Is she the one?”
I am getting tired of waiting for the right person, so I’ve decided to start writing letters to my future wife & kids in the anticipation that the right person will emerge soon enough. You can read the 1st of my letters here (to my unborn son).
Now where were we… So different things went through my mind while checking out the boobies from the gap between the buttons of her shirt. As an expert in the boobs department, I knew that if pressed together, those boobies can make one come.
Ejiro: What are you looking?
Ejiro: What stuff?
Nobs: Stuff stuff
Ejiro: You are funny
Nobs: People say that alot about me
Ejiro : So what’s your plan for the night?
Nobs: Get you drunk, take you home with me.
Ejiro: On a serious note na
Nobs: No plans. I’m here for work and I’ll be leaving on Saturday.
Ejiro: Oh okay. Need to go home tonight sha
Nobs: Can we see tomorrow then?
Ejiro: What time?
Nobs: You tell me
Ejiro: 9pm! Here
Nobs: Oh ok. Let me have your number
We exchanged numbers and she left; I chilled for more drinks while checking out other Warri babes. Looking all around, I realised that we might actually be living a very fake life in Lagos. I saw babes who were so happy with their potbellies and didn’t care if drinking big stout straight from the bottle was regarded as being razz. I saw loads of tattoos and soon realised that a tattoo over stretch marks is fashion forward.
I saw a girl with a tattoo of a cross on her left breast, maybe she got the tattoo before the stretch marks or after the stretch marks but with the stretch marks, what you see in a cross behind bars.
I got back to the hotel room and in the absence of a kele, I switched on my lappy and watched Dark Blue until sleep took over.
Friday March 11,2011.
Did you know that a duvet can determine how much sleep you get or how much you enjoy your sleep in a cold room. The duvet in my room was so cool; I made up my mind that I was going to ‘relocate’ it to Lagos. Like I always say, I’m not a thief, I just collect and relocate certain things. I’ve seen people who collect stamps and other things. I collect hotel towels on rare occasions, the duvet. I don’t steal them I just relocate them.
I called the restaurant and ordered yet again another plate of rice and fish. Done with food, I went back to watching Dark blue.
I slept off at some point and woke up at about 4pm. I rushed to my phone, hoping to see a missed call or text message from Ejiro informing me that she wants to come visit me in the hotel but I saw none of the above. The hours dragged on until 8:00pm and that was when I called her.
Ejiro: Mr ‘Nobel’
Nobs: Hey Ejiro. How was your day?
Ejiro: It was fine. Are you there at the bar already?
Nobs; No, I’m about to leave my hotel room. Should I pick you?
Ejiro: No, We will meet you there?
Nobs: Oh you are coming with someone?
Ejiro: I’m coming with some of my friends.
Nobs: Oh okay. See you there.
I got off the phone and that was when my eyes opened. Did I hear her well? “My friends”!!! I hate “ Me and my friends” date. I didn’t plan for a date involving loads of people and she didn’t specify numbers. I nearly got cold feet and felt like calling off the date but a part of me really wanted to see her.
I got to THE PUB about 8:58 and they walked in about 5 minutes after. “They” meant 5 chics and if not for shame, I would have ran away. I had about 30k on me, no ATM card and there was no way anybody was going to let me sign any bill. I thought about ordering things on their behalf, you know like calling on the barman and saying “Please get us 5 bottles of Malt and a bottle of water” but from what I have heard about Warri girls, there was no way that was going to fly with them.
Ejiro to Bar man: Oga, abeg bring 4 small stout, one star, erm Nobel what do you want?
Ejiro: and one water.
I was about to thank God when one of the chics said “don’t bring the small stout, bring one Hennessey“. Truth be told, I did a mental calculation and that gave like 22k off my 30k.I was confused and didn’t know if I should tell them the truth or go on with the ‘Lagos Big boy’ impression. They went ahead to order 3 more cans of Red bull. I was scared but didn’t want to show it cos the money I had on me was supposed to take care of my breakfast, airport taxi in Warri and Lagos as well as any other expense.
So we got drinking with the girls taking turns to dance with each other; I waited for about 30minutes before moving Ejiro to a corner.
Nobs : Eji, I have been looking at you all night and I don’t know if I should really share my thoughts.
Ejiro : About what?
Nobs ; I know I just met you but it feels like I’ve known you all my life.
Ejiro : Bros Nobel na wah
Nobs: Never mind, I know you were not going to believe me. Anyways, maybe I should leave it until you come to Lagos.
Ejiro : I’m not coming to Lagos soon.
Nobs : I’ll fly you.
Ejiro ; Really?
Nobs : Yes. Can you make next weekend?
Ejiro : Are we not rushing it? Well, if you insist, I’ll come with Joy.
Nobs : It seems you don’t move alone?
Ejiro : Joy is my cousin and she has not been to Lagos.
Nobs : Well,that’s not a problem.We’ll discuss it later tonight.
Ejiro : Ok! What time are you leaving?
Nobs : Tomorrow?
Ejiro : Yes
Nobs : 11 something. I’m not so sure but I’ll check when I get back.
Ejiro : Just let me know
Nobs : Erm are you not going with me tonight?
Ejiro : I can’t oooo. I didn’t tell my auntie that I wouldn’t be coming back.
Nobs : you can leave early in the morning.
Ejiro : I will be feeling somehow because I dey my mine.
Nobs : You mean you are on?
Ejiro : yes, I’m seeing my menses.
At that point, all I wanted to do was go outside, get into my cab and go back to the hotel. I just finished ordering drinks almost 30k only for her to say to say that she’s on. Who does that? That’s fraudulent and shouldn’t be encouraged. Why can’t chics say things like
“Please before you buy me anything, I’m on my period and may not be able to do anything with you“? That way you’ll make up your mind if you still want to go ahead with the spending.
I felt cheated and thought of leaving them behind without paying for the drinks but I thought about karma and the possibility that she may go to the airport the following day to wait for me. I went in, stayed a bit asked for the bill and went back to the hotel alone, frustrated and 27k poorer.
I woke up and saw 8 missed calls from Ejiro. I called her back
Ejiro : Good morning
Nobs : Hey, I saw your missed calls.
Ejiro : Yes. I called to know if you slept well and I also want to know if we should prepare to visit you next weekend because we need to inform our aunty early enough.
Nobs : Yes, we are still on.
Ejiro : I hope you’ll call me when you get to the airport.
Nobs : Yes, I’ll do just that, can you come to my hotel to help me pack.
Ejiro : I still dey clean house. It’s a staurday na.
Nobs: Ok . I hope you are fine tho
Ejiro : Yes but I don’t have credit. Can you send me small MTN like 750.
Nobs: I’ll do that. Speak later.
Out of anger and frustration, I decided to relocate the duvet. I forced it into my box, called the reception for a cab and sat down in the room to wait. They called me from the reception to inform me that the cab had come, I put the box in the cab, dropped my key hoping that they wouldn’t notice the ‘relocation‘ and asked to cab man to head straight to the airport. I got to the airport at 11:05am only to be informed that my flight left at 10:25am and I had to wait for the next one at 5pm. I blamed everything on Ejiro and deleted her number.
Later that evening, I arrived Lagos with the duvet and hatred for all Ejiros…