Memoirs Of A SLU…shhkid : Wk 38

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So I have been thinking about my life and how memoirs have affected it.

Most of my characters are not even considering settling down with me and the only person that was interested in settling down with me was not aware that something like the Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid is in existence.

I’ve been wondering “What if someone decides to get very serious with me and demands suggests that we made the diary about our everyday life will you still come here every Monday to read it? Like me writing about waking up beside the same woman everyday (That should be boring, I think) and how we picked wedding colours, reception hall and deciding who amongst my boys will play the role of the best man.

Let’s be clear, how many of you will still come back the read The Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid? Yes, let’s see your hands in air right now.

I really hate to write in late because sometime, I for get all the details of the past event and then somehow I spend hours trying to remember every detail of weeks past.

To digress for a minute, I don’t know how many of you that have seen Spartacus, the thing is this, Why was I not born in that era? I mean we go to war, which may also be likened to writing exams in school, and when you return, you are offered women and wine. It’s even more interesting because you are not expected to use any condoms, as there was nothing to be scared of.

Thinking about it now, maybe I would have asked them to keep Amber Rose as my personal slave. Bliss * Licks lips *

Nobs, enough of this Jupiter’s cock

Saturday February 12th, 2011.

9.00am

I got some much cake on my birthday and I was not keen on throwing someone out just because another person was bringing cake over, so I replied.

Nobs: Hey Bee, I didn’t sleep at home but I’ll be home later in the day.

Biola: Nobs, stop lying .Who is in your house?

Nobs: No one.

Biola: Let me know when you are ready to see me.

I turned only to catch Titi looking at my phone from above my shoulder.

Nobs : That was rude.

Titi : I didn’t see anything

Nobs : That does not make it  less rude.

Titi : I’m sorry but that was Biola?

Nobs: Yes

Titi : Is she coming here ?

Nobs: She wanted to but I had to stop her

Titi : Nobs,are you going to write about me in your memoirs?

Nobs : Yes but I’ll code your name so she can never tell and whatever happens, don’t give us away.

Titi : That should be fun tho. So what about your relationship with her?

Nobs : It won’t affect anything we are not exclusive .

Titi : So is that how you get your kicks? Like calling her Biola on memoirs and not her real name?

Nobs : Yup.

Titi: Anyways, what do you want for breakfast?

Nobs: Two things. Feed me and take it away

Titi: Take it away how?

Nobs: Be smart jor. Don’t waste anything, swallow.

Titi: Meaning

Nobs: Save water, swallow.

Titi: You are just a dirty boy.

Titi went to the kitchen to assist Chaa in preparing breakfast.

On a more serious note, I don’t think the way to every man’s heart is through his stomach, for some it’s actually through something very close to their stomach but consider yourself a lucky man if she can cook up a storm just same way she can blow you to sleep.

Titi left me at home tired, but satisfied.

Fast forward to last weekend.

I’m currently having issues with Biola because she said I slept with her friend and was bold enough to write about it. She said she’s aware that we are not exclusive but thinks that she deserves a certain level of respect considering the fact that I once promised not to mess her up in public anymore.

Good thing Titi is not telling but somehow I feel I betrayed Biola by sleeping with her friend but if you look at it from another angle, you’ll agree with me that Titi threw herself at me and for someone like me who would not like to look back in the past and say “ Chai, that Kele once wanted to smash me but I passed”. Ask anybody, e dey pain when a kele that you used to ignore suddenly gets hawt and for some reason no longer sends you. In that case, Okafor’s Law can never come into play. What is life without Okafor’s law……….exactly .

 

Dear Biola,

We can work this out and I really care about you. I won’t play a fool by blaming this on the devil but then I didn’t do it to hurt you in any way. It was just I being a man.

I’m writing you a public apology letter hoping that you’ll blame the entire event on my stupidity and inability to keep it in my pants.

Let’s see and talk this over. No more friends and family. This is a promise.

Please pick my calls or reply my BBMS

N

Thursday March 10th, 2011.

When I was informed that I would be going to Warri, to be truthful I didn’t know if I was happy cos I don’t have friends in Warri but when duty calls, you get up, dust you travel bag and hit the road.

The Flight to Warri was not on time and on getting to Osubi Airstrip I instantly knew I was going to have a not-so-cool a weekend.

Checked in and called room service for Indomie

Nobs: Dials 102

Voice: Good afternoon, restaurant how may I help you?

Nobs: What can I have for lunch?

Voice: What would you prefer, sir? Rice or swallow?

Nobs: I can’t see you so I don’t know if I want swallow from you.

Voice: I don’t understand sir

Nobs: Can I have Indomie and fried egg?

Voice: No sir. We don’t serve Indomie but you can have spaghetti.

Nobs: Why can’t I have Indomie?

Voice: We don’t serve it here, sir.

Nobs: But some one can go out and get that. Just charge me.

Voice: Sir, we cannot do that.

Nobs: You know what? Let me have white rice and fillet fish.

Voice: We only have “croaka”

Nobs: I’ll like to have rice and fish.

Voice: Water, Soft drink or what would you like sir?

Nobs: Water.

Immediately I got off the phone I knew there was going to be major food issue for me.

The work I went to do in Warri required me visiting bars and restaurants.

I had fun in Warri and for some reason I noticed quite some things. For examples

ASHHI

In Lagos, the ashis are always fighting over territory especially on the Island. I know some of you think to become an ashi on the island that all you need do is to get a skimpy dress and push up bra then a spot on Adeyemo Alakija?

No, it’s not. You have to pay for a spot because on Adeyemo Alakija are people who have been in the business over 15 years and just like in very business, you need to pay homage and in some cases you need to get someone to introduce you and act as your referee.

Anyways, in Warri it was a lot different as I saw old and young players on the same road but while the younger ones were easy on brown powder, the other ones had loads on powder on their faces.

And No, there’s no standard price. What ever you agree is what you pay.

MUSIC

While the DJs in Lagos are fighting over playing ONLY current songs, The DJs in Warri will sure you have a good time moving between the oldies, the not song old and the current ones.

The highlight of my day in Warri was at THE PUB. I was standing by the DJ enjoying the good music when it happened.

Jokes apart, Dude walked and immediately his body odour hit my nostrils, my perfume walked away. Like mass, it occupied every single space in the room and almost got the CD skipping.

I moved away from his corner and that was when I noticed her sitting on the bar stool alone. She looked different but I thought maybe that’s her “packaging” .

Nobs: Hey

Her:  Hey

Nobs: I walked up just to say hi

Her: You are funny. Ok hi

Nobs: The name is Noble Igwe

Her: Ejiro

Nobs: Erm this is the part where I say that I have been looking at you all night but couldn’t step up to you because I didn’t want anybody to beat me.

Ejiro: Who will beat you?

Nobs: Your husband

Ejiro: You are very funny. I’m not married.

Nobs: But boyfriend is not here

Ejiro: No

Nobs: What are you drinking?

Ejiro: Star

Nobs: I’ll buy the next one.

Ejiro:  Ok. Get a stool and sit down.

Nobs: If I get drunk will you take me back to my hotel?

Ejiro: You are funny. Where’s your hotel?

Nobs: Or maybe you should just take me home with you.

Ejiro: What if I get drunk?

Nobs: I’ll take you with me

Ejiro: And do what with me?

Nobs: Get drunk first.

From the side of her top I could see fresh boobs and that made up for the lack of Indomie and fresh egg

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

22 comments

  1. Ashewo 1 of your village.

    Would love to see you settle down and it will be fun reading about you picking wedding colours and being dragged around.

  2. 360nobs editors n editrix’ please always take a moment to proof read articles before you post them. Too many grammatical and typographical errors. Okay story btw

  3. First, was someone going down on you while you were writting this…u were just making grammatical errors…good story.

  4. @tokunbo, seems someone was going down on u 2

    NB: the spelling writting in your 1 line sentence. I can only imagine d no of errors if u were 2 write like a full story

    @chinnydiva, it’s cannot quite and not quite cannot

    Peeps should remove the missiles in their own english 1st b4 attacking my sweet nobs

    Nice article btw

  5. This article got me laughing soo bad! LOL @ I can’t see you so I don’t know if I want swallow from you; Get drunk first etc! Nice write-up dude! Keep doing what you know how to do best.

  6. Nobs, do Ʋ rili see urself picking out wedding colours wiv Biola? It’s rili disturbing cos i fink she wantz somefing already, and she’s just d last option, since neither ur ‘ropes’nor ur ‘nun’ wants anyfing with Ʋ…. #just asking#

  7. @Tokunboh, sweetie u should know that ‘quite’ can be interchanged to come before or after…ask your English teacher, she’ll confirm this.Plus you do know u cannot liken the word “missile” to an error don’t you?
    Furthermore,not like its my business but since we r on the matter,this statement,”NB: the spelling writting in your 1 line sentence” is grammatically wrong. I wouldn’t bother correcting you…go back to your English teacher for that, that is, after-all what your extramural lessons are for.

    P.S. next time u wanna play d ‘suck up to Noble’ card, don’t attempt using me to gain an edge.

  8. @ tokunboh…i dont know you, but i love you already…thanks for pointing out to this moron that this is not an english class.

    @chinnydiva or whatever, your type starts an exam without reading the instructions because you think you know so much…but you dont and you are just stupid. this is not “sucking” up to Nobs, this is me begging fools like you not to spoil our fun…you need an english Memoir?go and start yours and invite Opera to read…dummy!!!!!

  9. I think I’ll stay away from the memoirs until you settle down. I’ve never read any of your memoirs b4 but I hv a really high opinion of you, and being the prude that I am, 3 more articles and its gone with the wind. Do your thang though, nothing do you!

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