Ndi Ibo kwenu! In the days of our fathers every Nollywood movie had a scene with Baba. Baba is your red/white cloth wearing,incantation chanting native doctor. First Baba will impress you with his knowledge of your troubles then he’ll demand the impossible. Baba will reel out a list and you’ll hear items like the penis of a she-goat or the heart of a soldier ant. Baba’s guest will then say he cannot procure the items needed and Baba will break it down. “Give me the money I will get them”.
After this exchange, Baba’s guest will leave with a satisfied grin on his face. True to form days later his request will be granted all thanks to Baba. Of course in part two of that same movie, everything will backfire. However let us not dwell on the negatives; the important thing is he got his heart’s desire even if it only lasted for 30minutes in movie world. A few of you might say a trip to Baba is unnecessary if he cannot guarantee us his favors will last a lifetime. Don’t be greedy. Baba isn’t God -what did you expect?
Dear reader over the past few weeks I’ve been shopping for a Baba. Fear not my request from Baba is nothing sinister. I am simply fed up. Day after day I find that my path to fame and fortune is littered with challenges. The ones that sit atop the pedestal that is celebrity will tell you “hang in there, you’ll make it”. Make what, when? I am starting to think enemies in my father’s village have a hand in this. God knows I will not let them win. I must move to Ikoyi in this lifetime not the next. That story about having a 2nd life is crazy talk.
A visit to Baba is serious business as it appears you only get one chance. I will need to be as specific as possible. I find that asking for something as vague as “fame” or “fortune” will not do. Baba may decide to interpret my desire for fame as publicity and inflict me with madness. After all mad people are very famous. If I say fortune, Baba may furnish my account with a billion Zimbabwean dollars. In case you didn’t know, owning Zim dollars is in the same category as trying to sell sand in the desert.
Don’t get me wrong I considered other options before I realized Baba was my last recourse. One of such was the REALITY ROUTE. Everyday our televisions are littered with auditions for diverse reality contests; singing, dancing, acting and even swagger competitions. Oh yes, there is a reality show that tests the swaggerness of its contestants. I figured since hard work is taking way too long maybe I should simply opt for plain old luck. Even if I do not win being on televisions for several weeks should give me the needed boost.
I considered that option for all of 5 seconds and then I banished it from my mind. With the exception of Omawumi of the West African Idol fame, what other non winner do you remember? Where are they and are they successful? As for the actual winners of such competitions how many albums/movies have they sold or starred in? The only true winners of reality shows are the audience. We watch, cheer and even mock the contestants. To put it aptly we are entertained and in return they get disappointment. So why bother?
Now I’m certain you understand my dilemma and will encourage me to proceed with the Baba option. If you object, please hug a transformer,if you enjoy suffer head then by all means continue in your path of hard work. If however you crave the role of a puppet by all means go audition for a reality show and do the bidding of your puppet masters (the audience). By the way the only reason I am still here is because I haven’t found the perfect Baba. Yes even I have standards. My Baba must make sense die! Very soon hopefully I shall find a Baba who will endow me with Fame (the good kind) and Fortune (the valuable kind).
Baba is available to whoever seeks him, but be careful there are a thousand and one ABA (fake a.k.a not quite original) versions of Baba. Wish me luck; I shall not forget you when I hammer. Judge me if you must, I can’t be bothered, as wizkid says in don’t dull “my money and your money no be mate”.
*At this point the writer realizes the folly of her plans and smashes her laptop in protest* Dang I guess I was simply consoling myself. Well back to the hard work side of things.
Till I come your way again, be rest assured soon all the hours I’ve spent hunched over this computer will pay off! I know this because there is only one true BABA and he comes in only one version; Original. I call him Baba J a.k.a Jesus, God or Allah and the best bit is his demands are never impossible and he provides the sacrifice.
Thank you for reading.