4: Anchor Baby
I have never wanted anything in my life that I could not stand losing.
After two years and countless efforts at making the relationship work, I realised it was time to tell myself the truth and let it go – if only for the moment.
I broke off my engagement four months before my wedding and more than a few people concluded that I had finally lost my marbles. Fact is: they were not in the relationship with me.
At the most they were spectators on the outside looking in through frosted glasses, so they couldn’t possibly know everything that went on behind those windows.
My friends talked; her friends harassed and accused; my folks asked, and her folks too. In one word, SoMuchPressure from every corner. And if I thought I knew what pressure was, it intensified when word got out that she was pregnant. Pressure moved in next door.
I told everyone who asked me that a baby changed nothing. I purposed to be all that I could for the child. I attended Mother craft classes and Ante-natal care – work permitting. I offered myself up for anything, anytime of the day or night – seeing as I could not move in with her. I was going to be the best Daddy that I could be, given our peculiar circumstance.
During the first trimester she gave me so much grief I almost walked, but then I would think of that miracle growing inside of her and I would excuse all of her actions as hormonal.
I heard so much talk about how her life was going to change, being a single parent and all, but did anybody stop to think how my life was going to change too? How single parenthood was going affect me?
“But you broke it all up,” a friend once said. Like I went crazy one day and decided the best thing to do was get engaged, and then break it off for kicks! We probably could have gotten back together, but honestly, a baby is not Miracle Glue.
I think she became calmer, and grew up more, in the 2nd trimester when the kicks started. “The baby is doing well and started kicking yesterday.” She once said to me. “Subtle kicks. Noticed the first three while driving. The baby responds with a kick when I talk to him. Before I fall asleep I spoke to the baby, and his response? A kick!”
“That is because she knows she is a she! Talk to her and she’ll kick less. You want me to put in a word with her? She should be tired now anyway from running through my mind all day.” I replied her.
The days passed in a whirl of activities. Between my busy work schedule and blogging deadlines, next thing I knew, we were counting down eight weeks to baby due date. It was then that she called and requested we meet.
On Friday after my training, I went over to her place to see her. And sitting accross from her, watching her and seeing the glow she radiated, my eyes constantly strayed to the mound beneath her loose fitting blouse. A miracle if ever I saw one, sent by God. The constriction I felt in my chest, the band accross my heart did not exactly hurt. I just felt a swelling, an almost overflowing joy!
I have never wanted anything in my life that I could not stand losing. But sitting there, in that moment before she parted her lips to say any word to me, I knew. Now, I fear it is too late.
Do hurry up and come, child of mine. For in this world where everything seems uncertain, one thing is definite: I will love you beyond words, time and distance.
With all my love,
PS: This is my version of how you came to be. Your mother’s may differ, will differ. But one element will be constant. It is that, the reason you are alive is all because two people fell in LOVE.