Break and Pay

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Do you ever panic when you’re in the glass wares section of a shop. I completely freak out, the sweating, the shivers, the shortness of breath, in summary the whole nine yards. I am not allergic to glass or anything like that. I drink out of glass cups just like you and I sip from the occasional glass bottle. So why do I panic? A short while ago a friend and I went window shopping in this high end shop in southern Nigeria. He mistakenly knocked over a very expensive glass vase and we had to pay for it. We were broke for a month after offsetting that bill.

As a result of that I live my life in perpetual fear of breaking something of value and being forced to pay for it. The stores don’t help matters with their boldly written signs saying “Break and Pay”. However thanks to those signs I keep my hands in my pocket at all times when I walk through such stores. My question is; why is that policy too difficult for the world to adopt? “If you live in a glass house do not throw stones”.

Have you ever witnessed a scorned woman raining insults on the man responsible for her broken heart? Or watched a bitter man brand all females whores because, his girlfriend cheated on him. It is never a pretty sight. In situations like this I remember the sound of that glass vase crashing to the floor, the little shards of glass flying about in different directions and the look of pure horror on my bestie’s face.

What if for every heart we break we had to pay? How much would you be willing to pay or accept for a broken heart? Would you accept payment in money, or would you prefer payment in kind? Is one million naira a fair price? Is a house in a choice location or perhaps a flashy car payment enough? Or would a simple “I am sorry” suffice? Would a solemn promise from that person; pledging never to break another heart clinch the deal?

Now imagine if the consequence of a heart break meant the “breaker” had to forfeit a pound of flesh to the “breakee”. You’re probably thinking thank God we do not live in a world governed by this writer’s imagination. Fear not I have broken my own share of hearts so if my mind were in charge I’d be broke and missing at least 10 pounds of flesh. Hold on a minute, what if you could inflict a very painful or embarrassing medical condition on your heartbreaker?

For the guys you could have her boobs suffer from gravity 20 years before their due date. Or giant sized pimples all over that heartbreaker face of hers. Ladies how does an enlarged scrotum sound? Better yet he could go through all the physical and physiological stages of pregnancy. That would be hilarious. Even funnier would be inflicting him or her with diarrhoea. Now that’s my kind of payback. One month of nonstop pooping. That should cure him/her of the heartbreak genes.

Let us unleash our evil alter egos for a bit. If you were karma/fate or a powerful native doctor what would you pick? Oh and none of that I’ll forgive him/her business here. I am not recruiting saints. So dear reader, think about it and leave a comment. What is the ideal punishment to inflict on a Heartbreaker? The more gruesome your suggestions, the happier you’ll make this writer. Yours Jokingly, Jazz (Permanent Secretary; Ministry of Silly People).

Jazz

Jazz

A word that best describes me is “complicated”. Love music n addicted to Lagos radio. Confuses fiction with reality, so I strongly advise u take anything I say with a pinch of salt. Blood bleeds Red n Black. Man United - Do not test me. When I die I’d like to have “Here Lies Greatness” on my tombstone. Cocky much, Naughty much, Silly much. That is all.

25 comments

  1. Ahhh…i love this topic. i’ll eunuchize him, after a healthy dose of shigellosis and hansen’s disease!!!

  2. Initially while reading this piece i got “Lost In Translation” like Bill Murray, however on getting the hang of it, it all made sense.
    Nice post Isioma Aya’ Rooney :D. Not to deviate and oblivious of the fact that iv also broken my share of hearts, i’m gonna have to pick this punishment; The “BREAKER” ends up with someone who is a total mess compared to me and each time she sees anything of his she hates herself.
    That would suffice don’t you think? #OkBye

  3. wow..in my opinion,any mechanical trap from “Saw” iz suitable 4 any heartbreaker..but d only tin that worked for me is just forgettin them nd moving on with ur life(no be beans,e no easy at all)….respect Miss Jazz!!!

  4. …very rapid increase in weight till d person won’t be able to pass through a door + satmmering…. I think that will do

  5. Chaii!! That’s a tough 1,but I wish every gurl that ever broke my heart goes thru 3 years without as much as a glance from any guy on Earth!! But then,what would be my punishment for the ones I’ve broken? In the end a simple “I’m sorry” would suffice.

    We move on,we learn.

    Nice one,Isioma.. Thumbs up.

  6. This is a mighty good piece isi…I suggest tht u do somefin like killing em sofly wit tht one thing u knw dey can’t resist…if she likes dating other guys while in a relationship, snd a cute guy wit AIDS her way…:D

  7. Nice article. Good idea. Very good idea… I wudnt want her hurt emotionally. Just embarrased. Sumtin lyk, her menses inexplicably goin public despite she wore always or everyday… Or a very big and mutated boil in her uhm, u knw, 4 atleast 1 month… dat wasnt 2 bad abi? 🙂

    #ThumbsUp Isi… Keep ’em coming

  8. He marries an ugly girl n b miserable all his life.
    Bt i guess i wudnt b able 2 liv wit dat. So i hav forgiven n made peace wit mi soul.
    Touchin writeup…ilike.

  9. Would want him to limp when he walks so he would have to explain to people that it was caused as a result of the break-up! *evil grin* nice piece girl!!

  10. Beautiful piece girl initially wen I started reading I was getting borned but wen I read on it started making sebse n it was like seeing wat I v gone thru n made dem too go thru. I would v placed a course bt I learnt dat if those tins dnt happen dere is no way we can learn what others want. Beautiful keep dis up

  11. This writer is rily gonna stand out from d rest, her style is just sumn else, simple but still so rich in content.

  12. Goood write-up. I’d like every girl that ever broke my heart to get fucked with the fattest dick on the face of the earth 7 times a day, 7 days a week, 365 or 366 days a year for 10 years. That would be one sour pussy.

  13. Goood write-up. I’d like every girl that ever broke my heart to get fucked with the fattest dick on the face of the earth 7 times a day, 7 days a week, 365 or 366 days a year for 10 years. That would be one sore pussy.

  14. Hey Jazz! Amazing article. As for me, i’d just want those girls to have a sex starvation so bad that no guy irrespective ov the endowment ov his lower region can ever satisfy EXCEPT me. But then, I’d never give it to her… I’d make her suffer for it… There are few things worse than a girl suffering from an incurable agro/konji! Hehehehe!

  15. Hey Jazz! Amazing article. As for me, i’d just want those girls to have a sex starvation so bad that no guy irrespective ov the endowment ov his lower region can ever satisfy EXCEPT me. But then, I’d never give it to them… I’d make them suffer for it… There are few things worse than a girl suffering from an incurable agro/konji! Hehehehe!

  16. Yo jazz..U̶̲̥̅̊ killing it mehn,I just had to say it…nd am so afraid of dishing out punishments of anykind cos ave broken ma share of hearts, so I’ll just keep it 2 maself…nice one,am proud of U̶̲̥̅̊.

  17. Jazz clap 4 yaself,welldone!….nice one girl….an enlarged scrotum won’t be a bad idea o!..supa enlarged and overly heavy scrotum..o_o I’m wondering wat punishment thoz I’ve hurt are gon dish out 2 me….

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