Do you ever panic when you’re in the glass wares section of a shop. I completely freak out, the sweating, the shivers, the shortness of breath, in summary the whole nine yards. I am not allergic to glass or anything like that. I drink out of glass cups just like you and I sip from the occasional glass bottle. So why do I panic? A short while ago a friend and I went window shopping in this high end shop in southern Nigeria. He mistakenly knocked over a very expensive glass vase and we had to pay for it. We were broke for a month after offsetting that bill.
As a result of that I live my life in perpetual fear of breaking something of value and being forced to pay for it. The stores don’t help matters with their boldly written signs saying “Break and Pay”. However thanks to those signs I keep my hands in my pocket at all times when I walk through such stores. My question is; why is that policy too difficult for the world to adopt? “If you live in a glass house do not throw stones”.
Have you ever witnessed a scorned woman raining insults on the man responsible for her broken heart? Or watched a bitter man brand all females whores because, his girlfriend cheated on him. It is never a pretty sight. In situations like this I remember the sound of that glass vase crashing to the floor, the little shards of glass flying about in different directions and the look of pure horror on my bestie’s face.
What if for every heart we break we had to pay? How much would you be willing to pay or accept for a broken heart? Would you accept payment in money, or would you prefer payment in kind? Is one million naira a fair price? Is a house in a choice location or perhaps a flashy car payment enough? Or would a simple “I am sorry” suffice? Would a solemn promise from that person; pledging never to break another heart clinch the deal?
Now imagine if the consequence of a heart break meant the “breaker” had to forfeit a pound of flesh to the “breakee”. You’re probably thinking thank God we do not live in a world governed by this writer’s imagination. Fear not I have broken my own share of hearts so if my mind were in charge I’d be broke and missing at least 10 pounds of flesh. Hold on a minute, what if you could inflict a very painful or embarrassing medical condition on your heartbreaker?
For the guys you could have her boobs suffer from gravity 20 years before their due date. Or giant sized pimples all over that heartbreaker face of hers. Ladies how does an enlarged scrotum sound? Better yet he could go through all the physical and physiological stages of pregnancy. That would be hilarious. Even funnier would be inflicting him or her with diarrhoea. Now that’s my kind of payback. One month of nonstop pooping. That should cure him/her of the heartbreak genes.
Let us unleash our evil alter egos for a bit. If you were karma/fate or a powerful native doctor what would you pick? Oh and none of that I’ll forgive him/her business here. I am not recruiting saints. So dear reader, think about it and leave a comment. What is the ideal punishment to inflict on a Heartbreaker? The more gruesome your suggestions, the happier you’ll make this writer. Yours Jokingly, Jazz (Permanent Secretary; Ministry of Silly People).