360RANDOMS: THANK YOU PHCN.

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By way of introduction for the “International people” amongst us, PHCN is short for Power Holding Company of Nigeria.  The people at PHCN are responsible for the generation and distribution of electricity in Nigeria.  Before we begin, dear readers please cough once if electricity is present in your current location as you read this. I coughed, did you? Next, wink twice if you’ve ever rained insults on PHCN. I see all you evil people. God forgive us all, yes I winked twice.

Every minute of everyday at least one Nigerian sends missiles by way of insults to the wonderful people at PHCN.  The writer dodges the missiles thrown her way for calling PHCN wonderful. Oh my, we are not very fond of the people at PHCN, what a shame. Years on and a gazillion insults later has your light situation improved? Can you count the number of times the light has gone off in the middle of your favorite program? I lost count 14 years ago.

However while it is easy for us to shovel poop PHCN’s way, have we thanked them for all the fantastic things they’ve done in our lives? No I am not drunk or on any illegal substance, and no I do not work for PHCN. I do hope that after this article they might offer me a job. Make no mistake it is a government entity and there is money to be made if I was employed by them. Lest I digress, let us get back to the matter at hand, my beloved PHCN.

I am thankful for all the times you denied me electricity. It has made a stronger person.  Thanks to you, I now see that drinking hot water is just as nourishing as cold water. Thanks to you my beloved PHCN I have learnt to be prepared. I now iron my entire wardrobe whenever you honor me with your merciful bounty “electricity”.  I have added a new skill to me resume. You are looking at Nigeria’s newest drycleaner. Thanks to you, I have also learnt to manage my resources adequately.

In the old days when you were somewhat more generous with your gifts, I would cook a pot full of food, knowing I could preserve it in my refrigerator. Thanks to you I now see that not only is it cheaper to cook a plateful, it is also wiser as you cannot be trusted to bestow upon me 5 non-stop hours of electricity. Yes, I will admit, I was immensely hurt the first million times my attempts at food preservation failed thanks to you. Now, I know you were only trying to make me a better woman and I thank you.

My beloved PHCN, my family thanks you too.  Before your fall into this eternal abyss of darkness, business wasn’t the best. Thanks to you, we now deal in the sale of generators.  You should see our new house.  Business is fantastic.  Bless your heart PHCN.  My friends also thank you.  Magnificent PHCN you have helped strengthen our relationships. Gone are the days we would spend several hours engrossed with one TV program or the other. Thanks to you we spend our time engaging in marathon sessions of gist. We are closer than ever before.

Amazing PHCN, you have helped instill in me the habit of keeping fit. Thanks to you the water pump was unable to deliver water to my flat for days on end. I have carried buckets of water up and down several flights of stairs over and over again. My biceps, triceps, abdominal muscles and calves thank you. I am proud of my new fit body, now I can proudly show off my hot sexy body much to the delight of members of the opposite sex.  As a popular advert on radio says “You are too good”.

Light of the nation, I cannot in one article describe how wonderful you’ve been to me by being who you are, and doing what you do best.  I know a lot of us are not very appreciative of you and it must hurt that we constantly malign your good self.  Be rest assured, soon you will be rewarded for your good works. I apologize on behalf of Nigeria for our mistreatment of your person. I hope this article teaches my fellow citizens to appreciate just how big a blessing you are to us all.

Long Live PHCN!!!

Thank you for reading.  Do leave a comment *wink*

Jazz

Jazz

A word that best describes me is “complicated”. Love music n addicted to Lagos radio. Confuses fiction with reality, so I strongly advise u take anything I say with a pinch of salt. Blood bleeds Red n Black. Man United – Do not test me. When I die I’d like to have “Here Lies Greatness” on my tombstone. Cocky much, Naughty much, Silly much. That is all.

22 comments

  1. Great read! I laughed all through. PHCN has also enriched Nigerians with generators through sale of water. Packaging water in sachets or bottles is so time and energy consuming,shoot just sell it straight from ur tap,one bucket twenty naira.

  2. PHCN has also given us 20/20 vision, and a cat-like ability to see in the dark.
    I can dress up for work, even knot a tie and lace up my shoes, use the bathroom and prepare breakfast in pitch darkness.
    Additionally, the heat when PHCN takes power is has a sauna-like effect. I just chill in a room with the windows shut and watch the pounds roll off..www.woahnigeria.wordpress.com

  3. Loooooooooooool….
    pls add…

    i now read my books…
    i face twitter and blackberry squarely wheneva u allow me charge…

  4. Jazzifizile has done it again, I wonder where your inspiration comes from…….. this piece is off tha hook… God bless

  5. Hahaha… Thank you PHCN indeed!
    Well i wanna thank them 4 teaching me dissapointment… Imagine hurrying home frm skul to watch Godzilla then PHCN doin their thing as soon as u put on the tv… Chai! That made me stronger tho. Thanks

    #ThumbsUp Isi

  6. One Word ; SARCASTIC!!!!!!

    PHCN also made me a Glass wearer.had to read with candles everynight for 6 straight days in Taraba,made me a dependent on glasses for the rest of my life.

    Nice One,Isioma,

  7. Lmao! I wasn’t sure about this writer before, but this has won me over.
    True talk…thanks PHCN, years after leaving Naij, people still marvel about my triceps and my toned calves, but I always feel unworthy. Because truly the glory goes to you…due to insufficient power to pump water, I had to trek from my dorm room to the borehole in my high school days to get spirogyra-tainted water. Yup, y’all have definitely made me the fit woman I am today.

  8. I must add that PHCN is the greatest character-builder ever. They’ve taught me that every good thing can be taken away at any time. I’ve also learned anger management, and how not to expect too much. All those childhood years of having my favorite shows go off magically have taught me that every good thing must come to an end, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
    The friend who stood me up? Puhleez. You mean that merchant can’t deliver as promised? Huge smile on my face. Thanks, PHCN.

  9. Lmao!!!
    Its Miss Jazzy Again…
    Nice Article…buh i think i’ll appreciate em better if i get to have a share from the success of your biz. *winks*

  10. Thank you,Jazz
    You never know what u have until you lose it, when NEPA (yes I still call them that) starts giving regular power supply. I imagine tons of people becoming very very lazy.
    PHCN is such a blessing in disguise.
    😐

  11. In addition, they also are quite adept@ trapping and in most cases killing thieves.(Woulda been a good thing if not for the method)
    I’ve heard of stories about guys who climb up NEPA poles to ‘steal’ light thru illegal connexions, but guess what? Just @their aha moment, with big silly grins on their faces, NEPA go just bring high current, n their toned bodies becomes roasted and mangled carcasses.
    Ps: I also still call dem NEPA, I jus prefer how it sounds

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