By way of introduction for the “International people” amongst us, PHCN is short for Power Holding Company of Nigeria. The people at PHCN are responsible for the generation and distribution of electricity in Nigeria. Before we begin, dear readers please cough once if electricity is present in your current location as you read this. I coughed, did you? Next, wink twice if you’ve ever rained insults on PHCN. I see all you evil people. God forgive us all, yes I winked twice.
Every minute of everyday at least one Nigerian sends missiles by way of insults to the wonderful people at PHCN. The writer dodges the missiles thrown her way for calling PHCN wonderful. Oh my, we are not very fond of the people at PHCN, what a shame. Years on and a gazillion insults later has your light situation improved? Can you count the number of times the light has gone off in the middle of your favorite program? I lost count 14 years ago.
However while it is easy for us to shovel poop PHCN’s way, have we thanked them for all the fantastic things they’ve done in our lives? No I am not drunk or on any illegal substance, and no I do not work for PHCN. I do hope that after this article they might offer me a job. Make no mistake it is a government entity and there is money to be made if I was employed by them. Lest I digress, let us get back to the matter at hand, my beloved PHCN.
I am thankful for all the times you denied me electricity. It has made a stronger person. Thanks to you, I now see that drinking hot water is just as nourishing as cold water. Thanks to you my beloved PHCN I have learnt to be prepared. I now iron my entire wardrobe whenever you honor me with your merciful bounty “electricity”. I have added a new skill to me resume. You are looking at Nigeria’s newest drycleaner. Thanks to you, I have also learnt to manage my resources adequately.
In the old days when you were somewhat more generous with your gifts, I would cook a pot full of food, knowing I could preserve it in my refrigerator. Thanks to you I now see that not only is it cheaper to cook a plateful, it is also wiser as you cannot be trusted to bestow upon me 5 non-stop hours of electricity. Yes, I will admit, I was immensely hurt the first million times my attempts at food preservation failed thanks to you. Now, I know you were only trying to make me a better woman and I thank you.
My beloved PHCN, my family thanks you too. Before your fall into this eternal abyss of darkness, business wasn’t the best. Thanks to you, we now deal in the sale of generators. You should see our new house. Business is fantastic. Bless your heart PHCN. My friends also thank you. Magnificent PHCN you have helped strengthen our relationships. Gone are the days we would spend several hours engrossed with one TV program or the other. Thanks to you we spend our time engaging in marathon sessions of gist. We are closer than ever before.
Amazing PHCN, you have helped instill in me the habit of keeping fit. Thanks to you the water pump was unable to deliver water to my flat for days on end. I have carried buckets of water up and down several flights of stairs over and over again. My biceps, triceps, abdominal muscles and calves thank you. I am proud of my new fit body, now I can proudly show off my hot sexy body much to the delight of members of the opposite sex. As a popular advert on radio says “You are too good”.
Light of the nation, I cannot in one article describe how wonderful you’ve been to me by being who you are, and doing what you do best. I know a lot of us are not very appreciative of you and it must hurt that we constantly malign your good self. Be rest assured, soon you will be rewarded for your good works. I apologize on behalf of Nigeria for our mistreatment of your person. I hope this article teaches my fellow citizens to appreciate just how big a blessing you are to us all.
Long Live PHCN!!!
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