CLUB V

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A very big shout out to the following ladies; bee bee, choco, jojo, ray and engee for a no holds barred  discussion on arguable one of the most hotly contested issues in the life of a young lady. Needless to say you were the motivation behind this. That’s not to say middle aged women do not rep the V Club, I know a few older women who are card carrying members of this association. Decades ago, being a V was the “in thing”. Membership to this club was the rave. You would think there was a huge financial pay off attached to it. Those were the good old days.

Days when Club V rubbed shoulders with Club Dictators and Club Military rule. Several days ago, the management of Club V was forced to let go of non vital staff. We used to have stewards who held drinks while their owners’ sun bathed; now drinks are dropped unceremoniously on the floor. I do not understand how things became so bad for Club V. Young ladies used to be so proud to say they were members. Now they sneer at the few who attend our weekly events. These days’ young ladies will only show their membership cards under duress.

If our society had their way there would be a Museum; solely dedicated to displaying surviving members of this association, like they do dinosaurs. So extinct have our species become. Someone once asked me if I had cravings being a V and all. I was flabbergasted. Am I not human? Do I not have the same hormones coursing through my bloodstream? I couldn’t find polite words in response so I smiled and excused myself. If only she knew how I craved for that dark, fleshy, pulsating object that I have chosen to abstain from.

Some days are so difficult I am tempted to give in and ditch my V card. My flat mate isn’t a V, and rubs it in my face every chance she gets. Everyday like clockwork, he comes to visit, blatantly baring his wares. I complained once and she said if I couldn’t stand seeing him I was welcome to leave the apartment before he shows up. The painful bit is I see how happy and content she is after sampling his goods. Her skin glows, and her eyes glint like a well fed cat. I often sneak glances her way and imagine myself in her shoes. What lovely shoes they are.

They come in so many different colors and sizes. Some of them fit comfortably in your mouth, others you might need to support with your hands. I even heard they taste different. Dear me, it’s happening again, another craving. It’s not as if I go immersing myself into these situations, it just happens. I pray about it, but these days my faith is no longer a burning torch rather it is a flickering candle light. Ditching your V card is now common place. People ask me why I’m still roasting in this hot Club. Yes we had to disconnect the AC; the light bill was getting out of hand. I automatically reel off the company line.

I want to be different; I want my first time to be under the right circumstance and with the right person.  They say who says you’ll enjoy it if you wait? They say you’ll lose it anyways it might as well be now while you’re young. At least if it goes wrong you’ll have ample time to find the perfect fit. I say well I’m kind of scared, they say there is nothing to fear, after the initial shock you’ll come to enjoy it. I said but what about all these diseases I hear you can catch from it. They say it’s all a matter of hygiene. They say they’ll help me pick out the right one.

I finally give in, realizing this is not a war I can win. So first thing tomorrow morning, my friends are taking me to the frozen foods section of Shoprite, and we’re going to buy the juiciest looking packet of beef available. They promise to cook it properly so there’s no fear of mad cow disease or parasites. I was getting tired of being a Vegetarian anyways so I’m super excited joining the Club of meat eaters. I have really missed out, so I intend to sample every single brand there is; cow, goat, chicken, turkey, duck. I’ll have it all.

Dear reader it is so easy doing this to you. I cannot believe you fell for it again. Seriously didn’t you see it coming? Well I guess I am that good. Say it with me “Dang I’ve been Punk’d again”. Final words if you’re a Virgin I admire your fortitude, and if you’re not do remember, it’s a question of hygiene. Make sure you use protection. Till we meet again, have a lovely week. Yours jokingly, Jazz.

Jazz

Jazz

A word that best describes me is “complicated”. Love music n addicted to Lagos radio. Confuses fiction with reality, so I strongly advise u take anything I say with a pinch of salt. Blood bleeds Red n Black. Man United - Do not test me. When I die I’d like to have “Here Lies Greatness” on my tombstone. Cocky much, Naughty much, Silly much. That is all.

24 comments

  1. Gggggggggggggggggggrrhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

    and here I was already thinking of a bible verse with which to encourage you to keep the V fire burning…

    oh yeah, yeah, yeah… I’ve been Punk’d!!

    😛 🙂

  2. Jazz!! U’v dne it again. I knew u wudnt let me dwn. I’m a flag flyer 4 d v club. Nd it’s as u described. Temptin but I’d rada wait. Let it b special. Keep it up girl. xxxo

  3. Ohhhh my.. you got some Jazz you use on us.. How can i be Punk’d twice…. wow… I think i am in love with yo write ups ….. i’ll try hard not to let this happen next time when i read something from you…..

  4. Buhahahahahahahahaha! First time i’d read your write up… M3hn!!! I was still having doubts until you said ‘they come in all shapes and sizes’. Twas then the rotten part ov my mind kicked in… So i guess i was punk’d too… Madt one Msjazzyfied! *doffing hat*

  5. Just saw this…errm u r talkin abt ‘v’…hmmmm nice topic…I’m proud to be a ‘v’ via the backdoor..ok bye ….and isioma,I’m gonna stab u with a toothpick..

    Thank u

  6. @MZSWITZ I am glad i did not let u down, thank you for ur kind words.
    @bragginrights n Miss E if u can get ashton to dump demi of course i’ll marry him
    @Hugo booboo :*
    @Kev Lmao! eeyah 🙂
    @calyprince, kay, beebee, phummie, cyclone, bcgeorge, slimanie, Lalagidiboi, Nerdyboi and Irene: Buahahahahaha! wen i do my 9ja Punk’d spoof be rest assured u will all get major roles. ashton n I thank you
    @deetyson : may ur backdoor remain a V. Lolz!
    @smiley zee: oh my! i’d love dat bible verse i knw sm1 dat needs d encouragement. thank u dear 🙂
    @ooluphemmy, Longy n Msnutella Thank you very much for reading. see u soon

  7. punk’d or not, i have just one comment, it’s not a dying breed, just like elijah you’d be surprised how many prophets are left still

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