A STORY ABOUT 9ja’s HOTTEST SINGER

share on:

Ladies and gentlemen, this is to invite you to the launch of my debut album. Congratulations, you are part of a select few that will witness the birth of Nigeria’s newest and hottest singing sensation.  My printer guy, Emeka is already working on your invites. What is that you say? Oh you’d like to know if I have any sort of musical talent.

That is a very good question. You my dear future audience are a clever bunch. I am impressed. Can you smell the sarcasm? No, okay let me close the windows. There, you should be choking in it now. What kind of question is that? Am I a footballer? Did I say I wanted to be a dentist or an astronaut? I said I want to release an album in Nigeria. Do not get it twisted; my lack of musical talent is immaterial.

A few days ago I turned on the radio; I was immediately assaulted by a song from some random artiste. My 1st thought was who wrote this song. My 3year old niece can write better. The song made no sense and I instantly wrote it off. Or so I thought. For the rest of that day my head was a faulty CD player stuck on repeat. The hook played over and over again. I didn’t even need to think of it to recite it. It was imprinted on my poor brain.

Days later, I was at a friend’s party and alas, the Djay played my nemesis. Surely he should know this song lacked content. Well people, the joke was on me. Everyone had gone bonkers, not the sleeping kind, the crazy Yaba left kind. They were dancing and singing along like their lives were at stake.

I asked a friend “Why do you like this song?”

She said “Babes, it makes sense die”.

You cannot imagine how many deaths I died.

What had happened to my fellow citizens? Is it this easy to impress them? I got over my shock fast, realizing I had stumbled onto a goldmine. I’d found the secret behind making it in the Nigerian music industry. Relax, I am not a “chop and clean mouth person” so I’ll share it with you. You need only two things; a very hot beat that people instantly grove to and a very basic hook. It doesn’t need to make sense. Mumble a few words; just make sure we can all sing along.

Lyrics you say? My word you ask a lot of questions. Forget the lyrics, apparently the emptier the song the merrier. This, my dear friend is Nigeria; home of danceable beats, call back hooks and empty lyrics. Now do you see how utterly unimportant your question was. I do not need any talent whatsoever to make it in this industry. I have the killer beat and lullaby hook.

It is disheartening to know music in Nigeria has become a sport any regular Joe can indulge in. I remember the good old days when people looked out for the message behind the songs they listened to. Now, as far as we can instantly groove to it, nothing else matters. The customer is always right, yes? Let’s give the people what they want who cares if we end up sending Mr. Music to an early grave.

I considered becoming a hero and championing the “make good music” cause but I am not a messiah and besides it’s too much work without financial remuneration. Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me, money makes the world go round and I like my world spinning. Who knows maybe someone will come along and make real music. Until then, I will not let this money making opportunity pass me by. So dear guests clear your schedules, you cannot afford to miss my Album Launch. See you there.

Written by Isioma *Jazz* Osaje.

Jazz

Jazz

A word that best describes me is “complicated”. Love music n addicted to Lagos radio. Confuses fiction with reality, so I strongly advise u take anything I say with a pinch of salt. Blood bleeds Red n Black. Man United – Do not test me. When I die I’d like to have “Here Lies Greatness” on my tombstone. Cocky much, Naughty much, Silly much. That is all.

9 comments

  1. Haha! I was thinking “360nobs has yet another writer”, but I changed my mind after reading this. In the words of your friend, babes, you make sense die.
    It pisses me off, as in infuriates me, when I see/hear some ‘music’ (and I use that word veeerry loosely) on this site and youtube. I get that it’s the case in the U.S. too, much garbage on the airwaves. I guess I just thought my people had more sense.
    I definitely look forward to more from you.

  2. Jazz, u took d words ryt out ov my mouth. I’m already in d studio workin on my album. All tracks r auto tune. We shld do a collabo. Let’s mke razz groove music 2geda. Lmao. Ur writin style is jst dt cool. Ur fast bcmn 1 ov my fave writrs on here. U nd Franque hve me hookd. Lol. Do ur thang girl.

  3. I fink I just found anoda reason to log on to 360nobs.u nd franque re killing it. Dis article iz so on point. I’ve alwayz been into lyrics more dan d music, so u can imagine dt I’ve completely lost hope in 9ja music nd d idustry iz supposedly growing oh. Hw shallow our pple re! Kmt. Thanx for dis post jor…I’m nt alone

  4. Haha.

    You speak the truth Jazz.

    I feel like some naija artists (and Nigerians in general) skipped the fundamentals of music 101 when it comes to being an artist that is original and has longevity. The sad part is many of these songs won’t even be remembered 1 year from now. Then again, you can’t blame the artists. We buy the mediocre music and parade it as “legit music”. God help us. I do, at least, thank God for the artists with lyrics that make sense die, to quote your friend. There’s hope.

    Good one. “You cannot imagine how many deaths I died.”

    Come to think of it, I too should go and become a singer and release an album…Hmmn…

  5. *Laff don scatter dis my fake brazilian hair o*
    “Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me, money makes the world go round and I like my world spinning.”….don’t we all?
    Abeg can I pls feature on any track?I have this insane humming and noisemaking skill….I’d be an asset.
    *big grin*

  6. big up for the write up but i tink the prob is nt peculiar to naija alone, too much noise everywhr..only few guyz out there are actually making sense..plz consider Don jazzy fr ur beat and Terry G will do fr d hook…gbagaun!

  7. Ur so on point….wot pisses me off most is the way these songs are hyped before they are officially released….derez always a countdown to these disappointments (like last week).and when you drop your comment about your heartfelt sadness towards the song,you have even more unreasonable people dissing you and calling you a hater.how will these guys get better if we don’t tell them the truth…

Leave a Reply