I’ve been doing load of “Hayam sorry” as regards not posting Memoirs on Mondays as discussed and agreed by us but since work is a female dog on heat sometimes we just have to push it a day further. I know you hate me right now but think about it, if I don’t love you why am I still up writing when I can gladly settle in with Ofe Akwu and Copu Pami while reading tweets about “haters” and “the hated”?
On a lighter note, I think twitter is pure undiluted comedy and its better than any cable TV. With the release of a new video or music, a new hater is born and on the other hand, are the people fighting Nigerian celebrities, telling them things they can NEVER tell them physically and yet they are also the first set of people to approve them at shows with camera phones for picture to use as their DP on the BBM.
This is not Memoirs about twitter but then I think people should stick to twitting only the things they can repeat one on one.
Exhales …….BYE HATER!!!
Sunday, December 26th 2010
I was confused a bit and its not because I didn’t just know what to do but I didn’t fucking know what to really do. I remembered the promises I made to Biola few months ago but then I didn’t want to just walk away from Slim considering the fact that I had planned to tell her how I felt about her.
It ‘s funny how I write about my feelings for Slim here but always afraid to tell her in person. Anyway, I excused myself and walked over to Biola
Biola: Mr Igwe!
Nobs: Aunty Biola!
Biola: So you didn’t think you should have invited me to All Black Everything?
Nobs: I didn’t know you were in town?
Biola: You lair! You’ve been ignoring my BBMs and you’ve been walking the town with your Slim and proclaiming your love for her on that your stupid dairy.
Nobs: I’ve been getting so many Christmas text messages and I’ve not had time to check on my messages. As regards Slim, you didn’t have to say that. I just met her here. I also just read your BBM.
Biola: Shattap! Because you suspected that I would be here. So who are you with?
Nobs: My sister
Biola: Your sister or sister?
Nobs: I’m with Cha
Biola: So is your friend-lover sleeping at yours?
Nobs: I don’t think so, why?
Biola: I’m spending the night at yours.
Nobs: Erm, you know you treat me like a mele?
Biola: Nobs, what am I to you too?
Nobs: A good friend
Biola: Is that the new word for fuck buddy?
Nobs: You are too dirty for me but the little one inside the boxers totally adores you dirty thing.
Biola: I know I’m sharing the lil one with every Ngozi, Aisha and Tinu or you think I don’t know that?
Nobs: I don’t know what you are talking about.
Biola: How will you know just because you don’t write about them does not mean that you are not doing them?
Nobs: Babes, I’ll be home for 3am.
Biola: Drink less cos you’ve got work to do.
Nobs: Are you paying me?
Biola: Nobs, Drink less jor
I walked back to the balcony to where Slim was seated but couldn’t continue my discussions with her because I was feeling guilty. I sat beside her and tried making small talks but my mind kept going back to Biola and the top she had on. Dang, that babe can wake the dead, maybe not a dead man but a dead manhood sha.
On a serious note tho, is there anything medically that could be referred to as a Dead manhood? That must really be a sad way to live. Like you won’t get an erection? Sheet! that must be really sad and inhuman. If you are reading this and you suffer from what they refer to a “Noodles erection” aka 2 minutes man, go home and pop a bottle of champers cos I think your situation is better than that of someone who is not experiencing the RISE. As a two minutes man, at least you can experience erection for an entire day but may not be able to hold in it immediately you encounter wetness.
I was still thinking about Biola boobs when one IJGB walked in looking so fly that if not for Slim, I would have gone Jim Iyke on her.
We went downstairs to wait for the other members of the crew so we can all go to Tiwa’s event as a team and believe me, we did not go down because the drinks are cheaper there.
I cannot even lie to you, downstairs Mega plaza is lovely and there’s no forming. It’s one of the places apart from bottles that an Oyinbo will drink freely with his Ashewo toy girl without getting the looks. I know you judge them too but on the real tho, how come most of these very-skinny-very-bleached chics that follow Oyinbo smell alike? Is it their soap or you have to smell like that to get an Oyinbo?
I did not want to disappoint Biola, I drank a lil but ODed on the Suya. Who will not eat Suya from “Downstairs” Mega Plaza after seeing this sign.
A L L B L A C K E V E R Y T H I N G
We got to the Venue and as usual we saw almost everybody we saw the night before. Trust me, Lagos is an example of same faces, different clubs.
I also saw some Nollywood actresses, I can recall their names but one is known for booze, lacefront wig and heels. You must be a REtard and DOMb to think I’m talking about her.
On a serious note, we don’t respect our Nollywood actors and actresses. The moment they stop getting roles, we push them aside. The other night I saw them trying to bounce Sandra Achums at Auto Lounge. Who would’ve tried that in 1990?
I was still trying to get into the fun of the fun when the BBM came through
Biola: Nobs, get at me now or I’ll follow the dude dancing with me home.
Nobs: Bee, you need to stop this rubbish. If you want to follow him, follow him.
Biola: Where are you now?
Nobs: Get Arena!!
Biola: I’m coming to GET now to pick you up.
Nobs: So what will happen to my sister?
Biola: Leave her with the car na.
I walked over to Chaa and informed her that I may need to go home and she’ll join me later but she informed me that she was ready to go home too. I said good night to the boys and walked down with my sis and Busqured. Biola was already waiting for me downstairs in her car. The moment I walked towards her, she moved from the driver’s side to the passengers side but didn’t fail to show me a bit of her panties.
Biola: Nobs, drive us
Nobs: Cool beans
Biola: But I want to ride you while you ride home
Nobs: Bee we can wait a bit and it’s almost a New Year. If something happens what would you want us to tell Angel Gabriel that we were doing?
Biola: Nobs, feel this * She handed me her very wet thong*
Nobs: I feel same way but it’s just few minutes between Get Arena and Lekki Phase 1.
Biola: Fine. I’ll start you catch up later.
She didn’t just wait, she pulled up her dress and started touching her cl**t right there and I can tell you free of charge, it took me less than 3 minutes to go from GET Arena to Lekki 1.
The moment I got to my street, Biola asked me to park two streets before us. I parked, got out of the car and went to the boot to get protection. I don’t know about you but just because I was in the Boys Scout I always leave everything rubber with the spare tyre because of rainy days like this. So when I got to the boot I realised it was Biola’s car; I quickly searched my wallet and alas as a True Boys Scout, I had a spare (Phew!).
I stepped back into the car and undid my fly and handed the protection to Biola. She kept it on the dashboard and instead blessed me with a BBM smiley for yarn on my member.
Gawd! I started seeing things. The car started changing colours and I was not bothered if any security man would have walked up to us cos even if they did, they would have waited for us to complete it before arresting us after all all die na die.
I moved my hands to guide her head. To me that’s the best part of BeeJay. You know that part that where you control her head with your hands and at the same time you can look down at her to see how she formed a circle around you with her mouth while her eyes are closed. She removed her mouth and asked me to move over to the passenger side. She slipped on the protection on me, gently sat on me while backing me and held onto the dashboard while she kept moving up and down.
I got Christmas hampers and the rest but there and then, I was getting the best Christmas present. We got done, drove back to my house and on our way upstairs I got a text from Ada.
“Please add me on your blackberry chatting, Buzor”