AIRTIQUETTE: RELATIONSHEEP

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For days I agonized over what to write. Nothing I started seemed apt. At a time when the world was going Green and saving the environment, I was sacrificing entire trees on the altar of the biggest writer’s block ever known to man! Finally I came back to the one subject I had tried to avoid: RESOLUTIONS.

Over the past few years I have made one resolution after the other, and have fairly quickly broken them. Then I replace them with new resolutions which are almost as quickly forgotten. I had spent the entire day wondering what set of resolutions to make for the coming year, and after several hours was still at GO. Then I had a lightbulb moment! Actually, the light did not dawn until this morning, but the events of last night led up to it.

I have a friend staying over with me for the Christmas holidays. An old friend from Accra (read ‘Why do women cry’). She was going to be in town for 2weeks. I told her it was okay to stay at my place for the period. Here I made a fundamental mistake: measuring someonelse’s rice with my gongoni. I know she carried a torch for me, and felt since the love was unrequited, she would simply let sleeping dogs lie.

I returned from a flight last night and let myself into the house. She was lying on the living room floor in the darkness. I went and put on the generator, and carried on wracking my brain for what to write. I was still at it when my brother came home.

It was not until 15minutes later that I realised she was no longer in the living room. I checked my bedroom, then my bathroom and the kitchen. No sign of her. Seeing the light on in my brother’s room, I assumed she was with him, most likely reporting I don’t know what to him.

Later when I wanted to make water, rather than walk all the way to my room, I went to the toilet in the living room. As I pushed the door it hit something and stopped. I heard a moan and looked around the door to see her lying sprawled on the toilet floor!

The call of nature forgotten, my Av-Med training kicked in. I looked around for a likely source of danger to myself, then bent down calling her name and trying to shake her awake. I felt for breath signs, she was breathing and I felt relief wash over me. I checked her mouth for any obstruction, and it was then that the sickly sweet smell of alcohol hit me. I laid her partially on her stomach in what we like to call the ‘recovery position’, then I went to investigate. She had broken the seal on, and downed an entire bottle of Bailey’s (found out the next day there had been some pill popping too). I carried her to the room and laid her on the bed with her head hanging over the side, my major concern at this point was for her not to get sick and choke on her vomit – and there was the small issue of soiling the bed clothes…

I pinged my bestie and told her my predicament, and she came through for me, even suggesting warm milk to help with flushing her system. My cousin, the delectable M E, seeing my status, pinged me also. And when I told her, asked if she was expecting me to ‘take advantage of her’ in her drunken state. I could not sleep a wink and spent the entire night watching my patient sleep off her liquor.

This morning I received an sms from her. Now, I have heard of suicide notes – handwritten or typed – but a suicide text? Ingenuous!

“I still rem our 1st meeting in ur hotel room, how things turned out. I thought u would always be there 4 me 4ever, but no it wasn’t 4 sure. Now I am really devastated, I need ur help, I believe dat’s d way out. I really want to close this chapter of my life. I ve frm now to 31st. bcos I see a new chapter opening 4 us in 2011, dat is if am still alive, dis can only happen when we let go of d past. I guess u will like to free me from dis emotional breakdown, by getting crazy with me, passionately holding me n making love 2 me like never b4, kissing me with passion. Give me a goodbye treat n dat will be d last u hear of me. Thanks 4 being a part of my life, ever since u entered my life I ve never given in 2 any man n dis gladdens my heart. I pray I don’t try what I did yesterday again, I really wanted to get over life bcos it hasn’t been fair 2 me. U alone hold d ans, will u help me or not?”

I read this sms 3 times, each time realizing more and more how like a sheep to the slaughter I was going to be led simply because of relations with a female. Imagine trying to explain to Naija police – or any police for that matter – that in the month of December, 2 days before the new year, that a girl just decided to off herself in your house. Just like that!

Over the past few years I have made one resolution after the other, and have fairly quickly broken them. Then I replace them with new resolutions which are almost as quickly forgotten. I had spent the entire day wondering what set of resolutions to make for the coming year, and after several hours was still at GO. Then I had a lightbulb moment! Actually, the light did not dawn until this morning, but the events of last night led up to it.

My resolution for the coming year is to avoid, as much as I can, emotional dealings with womenfolk. Failing that, to not fall in love it is dangerous. Someone is bound to get hurt, or worse still, locked up and have the keys thrown away!

PS: Here’s wishing all AIRtiquette fans a prosperous 2011. May God keep us from ‘nothing’ people. Amen.

Franque

Franque

“Franque is in aviation, which by the way is not his job, just a lifestyle. If he ever kept a diary it would read like his articles will. Unfortunately he doesn’t. Scratch that. He didn’t.AIRtiquette is a walk in his shoes. Since regular isn’t in his vocabulary, brace yourself for a bit of airwalking!” Follow @franque_521 on twitter.

10 comments

  1. This is like Nollywood!!!! Babe needs to get a life jare! No offense but haba!! U r not the only guy now!

    I hope she realised that what she did was silly, infact down right crazy!

    Am happy nothing serious happened

    Oooh yea and Happy New Year to you too!!

  2. Umm but this case is more rare than normal though….chic is just desperate and needs to go get some real quick, but definitely not from you.

    Amen to said prayer and wishing you a Happy New Year as well

  3. My first issue with this chick is her shorthand typing, that alone is atrocious (OCD)…and she tried to off herself at your place before a new year started? On top say una no want am? Na wa o!
    You’re funny but you should post a picture of yourself so I can see if the package is enough for a girl to contemplate letting her kolo reach that level. Concerning her offer for a goodbye treat? Frank…don’t even touch her with a ten foot pole. #justmytwocents.

  4. “To not fall in love it is dangerous” —> C’mon… That’s a tad bit harsh i say…

    Lol @ “off herself in your house”.

    But i just don’t get it though. She kills herself and what happens next? You don’t move on with your life? smh… People need to think. Why would you kill yourself over a human being? Dang! It is not that serious.

    Thank God for your swift response. I do hope she gets help stat. Na wa. Happy new year to you too. Amen o. “Nothing folks” are dangerous.

  5. iThank una o.
    @ Diva: my sentiments exactly, except it happened to me!
    @ Neefemi: in one word – it’ssupermessedup!
    @ Mike: English for dey climb English – behind counter!
    @ Chiny: and that’s the edited version o!
    @ Ready: ebonics gone wild. As for a pishure of me, check Noble’s 1000smiles day 3.
    @ Shade: iHave practically been livin in church since den o. As for my resolution, we all kno these r made to be broken. *wink*

  6. I dont know whether to laugh oh my days!! wow!! poor you. lol…well seeing your pic I do not blame them but that’s just too drastic! that’s a solid resolution! you can’t go wrong though I wonder how long you will actually last. Good luck and here’s to keeping all our 2011 resolutions! plus so what’s the end result, will you fill us in later?

  7. Yeeeeaaah, saying she needs help would be the understatement of the century. I truly hope she learns to love herself and move on, but as Miss Natural asked, what was the end result? We are 5 days into the New Year so…please tell me she was bluffing.

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