I learnt something early in life that has coloured my dealings with womenfolk. What I learnt is a very valuable lesson indeed: Without guile and no game, there is no girl. This holds even truer if you do not have coins! Let me point out here that I am not a Trust Fund kid.
Knowing at an early age how much I liked women, I set about educating myself in these things. The result is a passable story teller who knows how to work women. If knowledge is power, then it comes with responsibilities. I have tried not to use this knowledge for personal gain.
In school, I was always broke from the moment I walked through the gates each semester, so I worked to pay my way through school – since I could not go to school on credit. I made posters, cards, banners, this was before computers and printers became common place in my school.
It was Matriculation week, and since I had just returned for my HND attending the Orientation exercise was compulsory. I would have skipped the three day exercise, once was enough, right? But my best friend from ND dragged me to the Convocation Centre everyday. I hated every minute of it, but since dude was my landlord, I went and suffered through it in silence.
Now, my school has occupied the Temporary Site since 1978, with only the School of Engineering situated at the Permanent site, or ‘Perm Perm’ (Pam Pam) as we called it. The Convo is built stadium style with two halves of rising rows of seats on opposite sides forming the ‘Front’ and ‘Back’ of Convo and a square of land in the center. At Matriculations or Convocations, the Back usually seats students, and the Front, the Polytechnic Governing Council. All ceremonies then take place in the middle. Convo also doubles as the shopping centre, with Provision and Stationery shops on the right, and the Cafeteria, aka Caf, on the left.
When not in use for ceremonies or shows, the Square is transformed to either a Volleyball, or Lawn Tennis, or Badminton court depending on the equipment available at the time. All year round however, just behind Convo is the Photographers’ haven – for students with more money than brains.
Seeing that all the back benches had been taken, I moved towards the middle where a few seats were still free. I picked the seats I did because I had noticed two girls sitting on the same row. I parked myself next to the prettier one, knocking her jotter down in the process. I retrieved it and handed it to her, flashing her my brightest smile. She was actually taking notes! She ignored me, and rebuffed every attempt at conversation I made.
I did not see her for some time after that day, and the next time I did she just ignored me. Though my landlord later became friends with her, I freed her.
One Saturday in November, it had rained throughout the night – I remember the rain because I wondered what rain on one’s birthday meant, especially if it was the Dry season. I was chilling with my friend at Convo when I saw her.
Even from that distance she was a vision to behold. The closer she drew, the finer she looked. She was wearing a tight fitting pair of light blue jeans and a form hugging t-shirt. Her hair looked freshly washed, and was neatly parted on the left. The watery sunlight falling on her hair made it shimmer, and cast a halo around her head. The calculated way she walked – different from her usual brisk walk – told of a lot of time and care going into this look. She walked in our direction, then swung away when her eyes settled on me. I did not realise I was staring until my friend nudged me with his elbow.
I followed her progress with my eyes, so I knew something was wrong when she teethered on the 5th step going up to Caf. She seemed to hang motionless in the air. I was already moving in her direction when she hit the ground – straight into a pool of water that had collected from the rain. A collective gasp went up around Convo from the people there.
She got up and was trying to laugh off the obvious wet patch on her jeans when a moron said loudly “So you pee peed yourself? You couldn’t even wait to get to the toilet, eh?” Arriving then, I just put my hand in the pool of water and touched it to his groin saying equally loudly “It must be catching, as I see you have peed yourself too”. He was too shocked to react, and the laughter that followed from all around Convo gave me the time to walk her up to Caf, where I washed my hands and watched her eat lunch.
PS (From Franque’s Manual on Getting Hitched): “Take things slowly from this point on till she sees you as a humourous but sensitive and protective friend. In time she will be so used to having her legs in the air (from laughing at your jokes), she won’t realise she is upside down. At this point, you own her.”