WHERE IS THE LOVE?

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Don’t you just feel sorry for “lovers” sometimes? Well, I do!

In the last few days or weeks, I have had to play the surrogate ear to lots of my friends facing different heart issues. I have also taken up and abandoned so many times the urge to write an article about love, trust and other heart related issues because there are really many sides to many complicated issues and it would make for a long post. But you can’t help but marvel at the lack of common sense in the way people approach matters of the heart. Oh well, someone once told me “the heart is stupid” because you can’t control it. We think with our head, we love with our heart and unfortunately when the chips are down we start to think with the heart too. Stupid.

I have long explored these issues of trust, mostly because of my own personal experiences and those of many other friends and family around. Plus, get off it now, am a guy in my prime if you wish and I know how this game is played (how THEY play it, lol).

First, guys and chicks get into relationships for different reasons. The 3 core objectives of a marriage would be companionship, procreation and love.  All these are based on trust.  But, all these have been seriously abused by youth today.

  • Companionship is never explicitly defined, so why not have multiple companions? A club girl, a sex chick, a movies girl and the one for facebook? On the other side, girls would keep the money man, the promising working class guy, and the hip fly playboy for clubbing and sex.
  • Procreation is well, a choice. You can either decide to do it now while offer lasts, or wait till marriage.
  • Love: and this is the most misconstrued of the three. A girl can swear she loves her money man (yes, he fills the account and the wardrobe), the working class guy (well, there are wedding plans) and the fly guy (he makes her world go round, makes her feel like a woman…).

There are many exceptions of course (guys and girls who are truly faithful) and some whose levels of philandering are really low (like once in 3 months) but the value of the words trust and love have totally been lost these days.

Sex is free, it is fun and it is sweet. Tell me anything else in this world that is possibly better. I was reading through a note titled “little known facts about girls” and one of its many suggestions was that every woman has had at least 1 “one night stand” in their life. Of course, this would be after they lose virginity, and of course not quite 100% of them. Still, getting that fact in my face was shocking, even if it only reinforced a certain impression I have long held about most girls. Guys too. (Please note that every time I say guy, I also mean girl and vice-versa. It’s a 2-way thing).

When a guy/girl exhausts or has achieved his/her reason for getting into a relationship, he/she gets bored and wants out. Deep relationships based on absolute trust do not exist anywhere(especially, in this day and age), because trust itself is a very relative quantity. Even in marriage.

The other party starts to grieve seriously when one partner wants out. I have experienced stuff like this before but I always knew it was that initial emotion of loss, of missing someone. When our 5 year old dog died, I felt the same way. The rate at which people end up pouring so much energy and attention into their relationships heart break after heart break simply baffles. The way they also make such gigantesque issues of break ups as if World War 3 was around the corner equally stupefy me. This prompted me to tweet “Love is for MUMUs” on Saturday. I was surprised at the variety of replies I got. A few hours later I sent out “If you suspect your partner in a relationship, it’s simply because that partner is actually cheating on you. BIG!” Another slew of responses just got me really motivated to write this.

The single fact is that, the world is at a freedom to explore as much as they want. I mean, people invest in long distance relationships, you have a guarantee of nothing! Any girl can pick your call from the ladies of a noisy club and you (her boyfriend) would think she is on her loving bed in that sweet smelling room you so love to share your loving moments. Guys might just switch off their devices altogether and complain of low battery power afterwards. It’s a huge vicious cycle of sin that when well played, can hardly be busted. A friend actually told me on that same day I tweeted that he was with a girl at that time who had her boyfriend sing a nice song for her on the phone while she was equally having a nice time on top of him. I also read a friend’s status on facebook on Sunday (I just wish I could copy/paste it here) who complained rather loudly about a lady who had come into Lagos to have a last round with an ex before she gets married in 2 weeks. She told her fiancée and family she was coming to distribute wedding invitation to some friends in Lagos. I just checked his wall, it was deleted. The revelation had hit a chord and caused a stir. Maybe.

There’s no good or bad girl/guy in this. You and I know of countless other stories. Nobody learns how to cheat in school, it’s just a matter of choice. And you can’t control people’s choices.

In an earlier article I had written about marriage and trust last year on facebook, something came out clearly from the responses I got. People recognize all these risks or dangers and they know the game is being played on a large scale, by both sexes. But they go into marriage either to achieve a certain social status and beat societal stigma while giving the benefit of doubt to their partners. Guys and chicks go into relationships to satisfy a need. This line of thinking has never satisfied me. Why then do they appear so angry, heartbroken and downtrodden when a break up is imminent if/when they discover their partners’ philandering through amebo, confessions, texts, pictures or other means?

When I mentioned that nobody was above “mistake”, that even Mandela had to get a second wife, I was asked to focus on the positive side, and celebrate the positive models of marital bliss and fidelity. At the time, I hailed Tiger Woods. Today, I know better!

So, why do we really have to get into relationships? What alternative do we have? Every single girl you pick up at the club or meet at that social event can lay claim to having a guy somewhere. Why do they still go ahead and cheat? What’s the safe thing to do knowing well there are some things we just can’t control? Why do people still really really mourn relationships when they are dead? Is it just natural for me to have the “hots” for you one day and next month, I have grown out of your “love”? I really want to know!

Kneeyie

Kneeyie

Youthful, urbane, and audacious, Kneeyie; a young African who challenges the status quo and constantly wants to reinvent. Inspired by everyday experiences and realities and how they influence our ever-changing lifestyles.“Reality check!” scans through politics, relationship and love stories. Follow on twitter @kneeyie.

7 comments

  1. This really struck a chord in my heart,infidelity is so common now that somehow we’ve learnt how to see it as fashionable. A married guy asking a girl out can confidently ask you to the movies now or probably to ‘ice-cream factory’. in the last 6months I’ve met more young good looking able bodied men that are divorcees than I probably imagined I’ll meet in 2years. We ladies now get so easily carried away and we act like all these doesn’t matter and the guys mehnnn!they come up with a lot of reasons why they’re acting the way they are. I personally think if the man is not your best friend don’t marry him yet.

  2. @Phoenix, very true. But isnt it also possible for your best friend to develop some “ojukokoro” at some point and/or fall out of love with you? Is there really a guarantee of anything at the end of the day? Or we all should just take love/relationships as a risk?

  3. Very well written Kneeyie! I couldn’t have written it better if I tried.
    @ Phoenix: Best friend?! Anoda relative term/title we throw about a lot. I have 7 best friends – each one for a stage in my life and only one of them’s female, and I don’t see me marrying her.
    My take is: before you give a piece of ur heart to anyone, be sure you can get by on what u have left. That way if it’s treated wiv scorn et al, u’ll survive; and if it’s cherished then it’s a BONUS!!

  4. relationships… they fail, some thrive. the same way everything in life nothing is hardly certain. we make choices, good for us if we get to make d ryt ones.
    Because some jerks mess around don’t mean ‘ll give up on love.
    The pure one, the plain one, Its real, it exists and its outthere somewhere.

  5. @All: Thank you all for your comments.

    Mostly, i agree with those who said Love, like all else, is a risk and we need to approach it as such. And you know, we need to tell girls and guys this more often so they stop approaching love as a responsibility.

    Everything up till now in my life suggests love is a feeling, which at every point can be developed, grown and can also be lost!

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