I seem to be surrounded by weddings these days: family, friends, friends of siblings, siblings of friends, co-workers, the ones you were actually invited to and the Mogbo-Moyas you invite yourself to.
I’m always so amused by weddings, the wedding event as we know it now is just so carnivalesque.
There are a lot of things to get ready for a wedding but let’s not get confused. As any wedding guest (invited or not) will tell you, there’s only a couple of really important things.
I wonder why the bridezillas get so worked up? Cake toppers that nobody sees or cares about, the lace trims of the bridesmaids’ gowns that goes without notice?! After all the expense and effort spent to look good for a wedding; new dress, new shoes and purse perhaps; there are only a few things I require:
1. A truckload of champagne; Really, who cares about the font on the invite? The wedding cake or even the bride’s dress? Seriously, just slap on some old thing dear, and it doesn’t even have to be white. But alcohol in short supply? That’s an UNFORGIVABLE sin. Plus, this way, you are guaranteed to look beautiful through your guests’ liquor haze. And oh, the more exquisite, the better. I was recently at a wedding that the father-of-the bride had his Veuve Clicquot specially flown in from France.
Souvenir Veuve Clicquot bottles…no kiddin’
2. A society magazine / website coverage; How else will the world appreciate the many talents of Mama Joy my tailor, sorry, the politically correct term is “fashion designer” and the many hours I spent conjuring up a style?!
3. The correct band; if hiring King Sunny Ade is way out of your budget, and Yinka Ayefele is not to your taste, then at the very least give us Ayo Balogun in the flesh. Woman sure knows how to bilk vain guests as she cunningly croons all your orikis and traces your entire ancestral lineage right back to Oduduwa, owambe style. Forget all that CBN propaganda about money-spraying being illegal. Abegi, we live to spray money at functions jare.
4. Potential hook ups; Truth told, that’s the main reason why we singletons bother. JUST IN CASE, we do meet some dashing single friend of the groom. Just in case, eyes meet across the hall and we engage in covert eye-signalling and winking operations during the ceremony. Just in case, we meet the One.
It really is that simple folks.
So the next time I’m at a family wedding, and another one of my “well-intentioned” aunties prods me and asks “So when is your own?” albeit jokingly. I’ll just answer and say “As soon as my container of Veuve on the high seas comes in”.☺