MY ‘SIDE CHICK’ DAYS ARE OVER!!!

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The last thing I’d have EVER imagined I’d be in my life is a ‘Side Chick’.

But I was; for a considerably long period of time in fact.

My goodness, I have sooo dreaded writing this article, because I knew it would be almost like cheating if I came and spoke about the ‘Side Chick’ without telling MY story.

It crept up on me like a little bitch in heat. I didn’t sit down and after a long drawn out thought process, decide that “Yeah, I’m gonna be a ‘Side Chick.

No. I got extremely comfortable in my relationship with this really great person, no strings attached, and then one fateful day, as the intense jealousy pang at him going to meet with his Girlfriend struck, I knew I was done for.

I had officially become a ‘Side Chick’.

You’d think that at that precise moment, I would’ve regained my senses and put myself right back on track. But nooooooo Tariere stayed right there and got more and more comfortable in the situation until the point where I became completely defined by it.

Being a ‘Side Chick’ is by far the most difficult thing I have EVER had to do in my life.

There were too many things for me to contend with at the same time. Here I was struggling at the knowledge that I was 2nd to someone else in this Man’s life, the guilt of what I was possibly putting his GF through by my being with him, and at the same time, trying not to weigh him down with all my baggage of emotion.

I mean, here I was, the same person who before this situation, would not even give my number to someone who had a girlfriend, how much more accommodate him toasting me, all of a sudden I found myself doing everything possible to be the best ‘Side Chick’ that this person could ever have.

The way I looked at it at the time, I reckoned that I couldn’t do anything about the fact that he was in a relationship, but there was a lot within my power to make MY relationship with him a place he’d always want to be in. My deluded conscience would not allow me to make any demands of him to leave her for me, but of course, deep in my heart, it was ALL I really wanted.

So I did everything within my capacity to make this ‘Side’ relationship a comfort zone for him, so that he would at least have that as a consideration if he ever decided to make a choice.

Oh how I hated what I had become. But how I loved this person who was driving me insane to the point of no return.

As time went by, my relationship with him grew deeper, yet there were still no signs of him leaving her.  A silent frustration began to kick in. Then I became obsessed with HER, wondering why the heck he couldn’t just walk away from her, when I could clearly see that he really wanted to be with me.

The discontent I felt began to manifest itself in my expression toward him, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t so patient anymore. Then slowly, I began to think less and less of myself as I reckoned that if he wasn’t choosing me, then it was because his GF was better than me, so there must be something terribly wrong with me.

This crack in my self-esteem progressively became deeper, and soon I was looking for the affirmation from other guys that WANTED to be with me.

I had nothing to do with any of them of course; I was way too devoted to my Mr. Unavailable for that. But I needed them. I needed to hear from them that I was desirable; I needed to see the approval and want in the eyes of another man, to affirm my own worth.

It didn’t matter to me that Mr. Unavailable treated me like a Princess regardless of the situation; for me it was simply a case of “If I mean THAT much to you, then why are you not holding MY hand in public”.

I consoled myself over and over again with the thoughts that he really wanted to be with me but just couldn’t, and also that one day, someway, somehow, it would all change for the better.

It was amazing how I had evolved into this person who could actually accept the fact that the man she’s with is at a precise moment, lying in bed with another person. I accepted it to the point that I actually felt nothing about it anymore.

My life became all about this relationship. All I saw myself as at some point was as a ‘Side Chick’ and nothing more. I defined everything about myself, even in my head, from the perspective of me being a ‘Side Chick’.

My goodness, I look back and laugh right now as I think about it.

It’s been quite a while since that chapter of my life, and I’d honestly tell you that till this day, I am still in many ways affected by that experience.

I still battle with the self-esteem issues sometimes; I had placed myself in a position that is less than I deserve for too long, and a lot of my mindsets had adapted themselves to that situation.

So changing them and seeing myself differently is a process that I’m still recovering from till this very moment.

The starting point of my healing from all the emotional and psychological damage being a ‘Side Chick’ did to me was ACCEPTANCE. Isn’t it weird how something as simple as Acceptance can become the most difficult thing when you would rather things were different?

But if I EVER wanted to heal and move forward, I had no choice but to embrace Acceptance.

Acceptance of the fact that this person is with someone else, and no matter what he says, I say, he feels, I feel, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that, so I’d better MOVE on.

Acceptance of the fact that other people, his girlfriend in particular, deserved also to be happy, and not just me alone.

Acceptance that the situation itself is not a reflection of WHO I am, but rather, what I have allowed to be my reality.

Acceptance that everything; every experience, every relationship, happens for a reason, and that I will come to that point where the reason has clearly been worked out in me.

After the journey which has brought me to this present moment, I think I have just discovered my reason.

To be able to share this story with YOU.

I guess you have seen through this article, that I have the mind, power and technical know-how to be a ‘Side-Chick’, nevertheless I say to you that it’s not a desirable position to be in at all.

True Love is free from all Compromise.

We’re talking ‘Main Squeeze’ next week; meanwhile Tari’s blog is www.tariere.blogspot.com OR follow TariEkiyor on Twitter.

Tari Ekiyor

Tari Ekiyor

The quirky and humorous musings of a young writer who is determined to have nothing short of the best of everything in spite of the fact that everything seems to be trying to have the best of her. Welcome to S-I-R (STRONG INDEPENDENT & RELEVANT). You can also catch Tari on her blog www.tariere.blogspot.com.

38 comments

  1. So glad that you finally aCcepted it…that’s d first stage..but he can’t leave his Gf for u..u know u can have a man of ur own right…never been a side chick before but I have been cheated on by d bf and I still believe he is doing it….but really d same way u wonder if she is better than u is d same way I sometimes think….maybe d side chich is giving him something I don’t give…or if he loves her and I am just d trophy gf…but at d end of d day he keeps coming back to me….So u need something way better…a MAN. Of ur own..that u are not a side chic to…lovely write up thou…good work…

  2. Side Chick or Side man is no great position to be in..
    Just imagine it! You know they are with another person and you are ok by it! I guess thats what polygamy is all about?>
    But for me, i rather be single and self- date than be a side man/kick. Enuff said!

  3. Nobody ever plans to be a side chic. Ma own started wen I was single and seein dis oda single guy casually cus I didn’t rily wanna be in a relatnshp yet. We really gelled and were great friends until he went an got a gf. I was shocked cos I thot we were gonna end up 2geda. But I couldn’t just leave him yet and spent a lot of time trying to compete wit d oda chic. This side chic thing is not an easy something o. took me some mnths to realise dat d asswipe was having the best of both worlds and there I was trying to out do some oda gal who doesn’t even know about me… I had to shake him off!

  4. I was a side chick (unknown to me) then when I found out, it became this sick competition to show him I was better. Your whole write up spoke to my situation better than I would have been able to. I woke up from that nightmare and freed myself. Someone who loves me to pieces found me and my days as a SC sometimes affect our relationship. It makes me sad because this man is going through hoops to win my heart and I am here dealing with demons from my past. Yes that SC/SM title is nothing to aspire to. Its sad that so many of us put ourselves through it in hopes that he/she will pick us.

  5. wow! I guess there are plenty sidechicks than i tot!! Its like u were telling my story. I would like to say that I was a Sidechick but I wont lie, I still Am a sidechick. This has been going on and Off for like 8yrs now. SInce College days. We started off as single friends hanging out and well one thing led to another and thru his numerous relationships I was always the ‘Other Girl’ and he was my ‘Other Guy’ thru out mine. Even now that we are 2 continents apart (i think distance is the only thing that can keep us from being each others sides).

    Its so hard to let go cos we are really Good friends and we get on so well its like i am addicted to him, but i know that we can not be alone in the same space without anything happening. Earlier this year we happened to be on the same continent in the same space after some 4yrs and well it was like we carried on where we left off! We are poison to each other and I know i can never be with him cos I can Never Trust him and I am assuming that he feels the same (we never talk emotions)

    But I have decided that the extent of our relationship is gonna have to remain that of Long distance! Its a Vicious Cycle! Anyone one reading this, as soon as u see the sights GET THE HELL OUT!! Dont Hook up casually with Your friend, that is how it starts and So Hard to get out of it! Its just madness! The Lies, Deceit, Distrust (the both of us) I feel i am headed straight to Hell. But I have now come to accept that I have to keep my distance and stay outta the Lions Den!

    Thanks for Sharing. Been wanting to let this out for so long cos u dont just seat down and discuss this kinda madness with anyone. I know its Wrong, they will only tell me its wrong so I kept it to myself.

  6. I have no idea what d fuss is about! Short of d point whre u let bin a side-person define u, we r all somebody’s sidebody – and we have our side people too! You r in dis relationship wiv a great person, but u hae dis friend hu gets u. When u hae crtain issues to talk about u turn to dem; U see a sight and str8 away call em cos dey will get it but not ur significant other; U hear a joke and wanna share it wiv em; there’s a nu animated movie showin, but ur partner loooves Nollywood; U hear a 70s love song, but ur gf/bf thinks d’banj is d ish; U drink a bottle of soda but can’t burp in ur partnr’s ear; U’v known dis someone since before u knu u could be ‘cool’ and she’s seen u @ ur best n worst. Amazinly u don’t have to be fuckbuddies! That’s not so bad is it? But trust girls to then unleash d competition! I have had ny share of sidchics (still do), but d second u bring on d competition, u better move fast lest the door catch ur behind!
    All said n done, well written Tari, well written.

  7. hi, i truly feel wat u wrote. it was like u opened ma hart and read everytin in it. i was a side chick for a long time wit one guy while i made him my one and only. he loved me and i felt with time he wuld leave her and come to me but it neva was. he was ma world and d air dat i breath at least dat was wat i kept telling maself till d girlfrnd got hold of ma number and called me to leave her boyfrnd before i realised wat she must have been going thru. i ended d relationship and told d guy neva to call me again cos i knew we culd neva be frnds. He is one person i wuld always love and the only way to avoid him is to break all communication.

  8. Tari this article is exactly what i am going through right at this minute, exactly the same way except mine has gone deeper than urs and am sufferng from it, i believe you understand where am coming from.
    I have been trying to leave the tag on myself as the side chick but the guy has refused to let me go. Tari how did u get out of this bondage have been it for 6 yrs now and it does not help am in live with him and he finally engaged the other lady

  9. Nowadays, for women, their motto should be ‘ the winner takes it all and the loser stands to fall’. If the guy isn’t married, he can have as many girlfriends as he wants. Babes! Ure no side chic, cos most times, d ‘side chic’ usually wins d battle!

  10. @ Nicewriting: If I tell you its going to be easy walking away from him, I’d be the biggest liar ever!!

    I would NOT be easy…but you can do it. Like I said in the article, ACCEPTANCE is key.

    Don’t look down on yourself because he chose to be with her instead of you. His choice says nothing about who you are, but more about what HE wants.

    Pray. Ask God to help you move from this place and give you strength. Accept that you cant do it by your own power and allow HIM help you.

    Think through the situation and take as many lessons for growth from it.

    Open your heart to other people and new experiences. Forgive…hold no resentment whatsoever.

    Love yourself. Know you are NOT a Side Chick, but a QUEEN.

    Everyday, try to love people and bless them with your goodness….it works!! Very soon you sill bein to feel good about yourself and everything around you.

  11. When I say you write the gospel I sound like a broken record but its the truth. You said it the way most of us have felt, experienced and lived it. It takes the grace of God, it takes strength to walk away. May it never take an event so shattering to get us to open our eyes and leave. lol nice one myne 🙂

  12. just the way it feels!!!!It’s like living in an illusion that most times never breaks into the dawn of reality.Living a lie gives temporary comfort that further plunges one deep into misery.Neither being the side chick nor the main chick with a knowledge of a side chick who shares your man is ‘fun’.Tari, this is a masterpiece.

  13. So, there’s also the thing, where you are the main chick, then the side chick comes along and wins,and you are so devastated that you contemplate becoming the side chick if you could only just have part of him back again. When you feel like the rightful main chick, and the current gf was the former sidechick, it’s hard to just give up….

  14. Infact eh tari n all of u guyz have repeated my story here. Am dieing in d position of a sidechick, I want him so badly I cld do anytin but go to a babalawo. We r deeply in love but caaant be togeda, he cldnt tell me but I saw implicating msgs wit her talking about taking it further n I wanted to die.
    I confronted him yea but we talked he apologized n said he dint wana hurt eida of us n dat he loves me more n I said u love her more coz ur hurting me instead of her. But guess wat we cried n cried n confessed even more love n kissed n made up.
    Dats how am back to sq 1 but am now bitter in d relationship coz I can’t give my best anymore coz I keep remembering wat I read n how it was put.
    Worst stilll I can’t let go, I like to ask if they have sex n how many times in a day they talk n if he sends her pics d way he does wit me n just torment myself wit it.
    I know I need double God in dis matter coz am very aware but can’t leave him. Can I speak wif u on d fone tari? I need group fasting n prayers everyone. HELP!

  15. Tari, I need help too! In the past, I was his side chick then I got fed up and broke it off because it was too much pain for me. Then he broke up with her and has come begging. We tried to date for a year and it was really sweet but I have so much mistrust for him. These days he says he wants me & ONLY me. He keeps calling, I enjoy his company, and love talking to him.
    I know I love him but do you think it’s safe to be serious with him again? If we are together, then I know it’s marriage for sure because we’re passed the dating phase and I dunno how to move forward. Please help me!

  16. Hi Sonya,

    I understand where you are right now!!

    Simply a case of “I watched him do it to someone else when he was with me…what makes me think he wouldnt do the same to me?”

    It’s totally natural for you to feel this way Sonya, so don’t feel bad about it. However, you need to be realistic about WHO he is. Was he the kind of guy who jumped in and out of bed with everything that moved before you, OR was his being with you a one-off, uncontrollable situation for him?

    If seeing other people while he’s in a relationship is something he DOES, then you need to see that and ask yourself if you want to (or can) accept it.

    If he only did that while he was with you, then you should be more understanding and trusting toward him, gving him the benefit of doubt.

    However, also consider the fact that you have caused another woman the pain you now fear you will feel if he does end up cheating on you.

    And being someone’s Side Chick also made us Cheaters also (or accomplices to cheaters)

    A point to consider if you ever find forgiving him difficult.

    Tari

  17. My life changed the day i came to the conclusion that….SOMETIMES YOU MUST CHEW YOUR LEG OFF….TO ESCAPE!
    like Tari said..its all about ACCEPTANCE….i just read a comment above which said, ” you love her more than me because if you didnt you woudlnt hurt me instead of her” (or something like that)!THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE! i do not believe a man can LOVE 2 WOMEN …EQUALLY! one is the apple of his eye..the other is the apple that he longs to eat aka The Tempting Eve (T.T.E)! The apple T.T.E is offering 80% of the time is GREAT SEX…. the other 20% is emotional support…. IF YOU OFFERED BOTH…I SEE NO REAON WHY YOU SHOULDNT BE THE MAIN CHICK!
    My fellow women..we all know how we feel when we are madly in love with a man….I MEAN READ THE COMMENTS ABOVE….they say it all! i can feel it ooozing out of my screen! Now think about how you treat this man you are madly in love with,…..think about how you suddenly become blind to every other male species….think about how you dont want to share yourself with anyone else…..IF HE ISNT DOING THE SAME FOR YOU…..its simple….ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO HE SO CHERSHES!
    Isnt it funny how 90% of the time…the MAIN CHICK is not aware of the side chick……yet 100% of the time…THE SIDE CHICK IS VERY AWARE OF THE MAIN CHICK…in fact is her number 1 stalker on facebook!

    HE PROTECTS THE ONE HE TRUELY LOVES! shikina!

    p.s: we try so hard to save HIM..when really we should be trying to save ourselves from HIM.
    P.P.S: i understand….IT IS NEVER EASY
    P.P.P.S: very engaging Tari! xoxo

  18. Wow! was like this article was meant 4 me. Glad I stumbled on this now. I’m in a 5+ year relationship with a guy that totally adores me & I love, yet I’m still busy being the other woman to a married man. I am obsessed with his wife & even felt hurt when she “un-friended” me on facebook. It’s a difficult place to be in & a dark & depressing stage in my life. Even when I work up the courage to start to tear myself from the situation, the guy keeps telling me he can’t live without me even when we both know neither of us will leave who we r with now. Prayed & fasted about the whole thing & its like my soul is just bound to this evil. God have mercy.

  19. I am truly happy I came across your story, because I needed to read this to help me move on from my situation. I can’t thank you enough.

  20. Peace.
    I googled “how to get over being a sidechick” or something like that and it led me to this website and this piece you wrote. I am a straight up magnet for unavailable men. Its like whoever I meet with and click with is already with someone! I never get mixed up. Im straight disgusted when dude asks me to be his 2nd girl….but its happened to me. Twice. The first time it happened I wrote this song ( no spam but, its a song about being a sidechick so y’all might actually enjoy it…here u go –> http://www.soundcloud.com/urgirlzoi
    That song was written a year ago over a guy that I had a relationship of some sort with about 2 yrs ago.
    I vowed to never become a sidechick after that first experience but…… I met someone and fell for him in 2010…found out after some time that he was living wit his gf and i remained his “online” gf for months and months. I decided this week that I’m going to cut it off. Hence the google search. Losing someone that I’ve grown so close with hurts but its just not worth it. We all deserve better…… does the world have a shortage of single,available straight men or something?

  21. I recently broke it off with a guy who has a girlfriend after 5 months. He has been with her for 13 years. When we first hooked up, I told him that if he is not serious about me then don’t do it and he has 6 months to wrap that situation up. Well, they have a business together and they see each other daily. However, for the first three of four months, he spent every evening and we spend our weekends together. I finally broke it off this week and blocked us from calling one another. I hated I got myself in this situation but he says he is not ready to leave her. His friend told me he has worked with them a year and never seen him touch or kiss her and he understood her to be there only to get the money she put in back. But he says our friend loves me and he has seen him touch and kiss me numerous times. He told me this week he was going to a party with her on New Year’s Eve. I had asked him back in November to go to church with me that night as a birthday gift to me. I was livid and I broke it off. After two days, I got weak and tried to call him last night but he didn’t answer and in fact I think kept hitting ignore on his phone. No problem. I was hurt and I put the block back on. I love him and I believe he loves me. He got us all (myself, my daughter and my mom) Christmas gifts. He denies me in front of his grown kids and has never invited me to his home (all three of us live with our elderly parents) or introduced me to his parents. I did however meet them at my work one day. His family knows about us but I hope they don’t think I’m a homewrecker. I haven’t spoken with him in three days…the longest we’ve went since we started seeing each other. I can no longer deal with the relationship as is. In fact, I do not trust him at all. He’s just a charming, handsome, lovable guy and everyone loves him. But I have to go. Just wondering though, if he misses me and how does he even feel about the breakup…and did I do the right thing or should I have remained friends with him like he asked.

  22. This article helped me so much after 11yrs of being the side chick i never really looked at myself as that but as fb started posting things about side chicks but i seen myself n those sayins i tried everything i know i was and am better then she is shes a drunk a fallen dwn drunk i was so good to him as i see now i was to damn good but as i write this iam done it hurts way down but what hurts the most is iamnot gongonna havev my shit anymore but it wasn’t my shit afterall but ppl its his lose what ever hold she has i can’t compete with. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest speaking of chest that’s all she got going for her who gets drunk and puts a glass down there breast while dancing and twerk on the dance floor a 250 pound women should not and b the only one out there dancing now picture that. Rant is now over. If U CANT B THE MAIN CHICK get ur gold locked up. B blessed stay saved

  23. Tank God i came across dis beautiful article, its all about Accepting d reality of the relatiosnip of being a Side Chick…av been there but its not worth it……wen i accepted reality i dust my ass n move on….

  24. I was always thinking about stop being a sidechick but I was missing willingness to leave him and acceptance. Thank you for writing this article, it is really helping me. I left him some days ago, it hurts as hell I wont deny. However Im becoming stronger!.

  25. If you are in love, being the sidechick is the worst thing you can experience. I was a sidechick for 1 year and I fell in love more and more, I even thought about suicide because it really hurt knowing that the person you love, loves someone else… But after I left him I felt way better.

  26. I have been a side chick for 10 years. We started off as each others side for about a year then i became single and still kept messing with him. He left his girl and was single for awhile but did not choose me. He then got anther chick and did not choose me. I finally stop waiting for him to choose me and decided to go on with my life. That was his suggestion. So i did. I moved away for two years but we kept in contact i even saw other people but none that were worth being in a relationship with. I came back and the relationship started again. He was in a relationship in the beginning but ended it. I did express to him that I wanted more and he said he did not want more with me. I desire very much to be in a relationship and to also get married…Im not getting any younger. I love him but I love me more. Now i am at the point where I desire to move on with my life but it seems i have a tendency to go back to him expecting different results which is insane. I really wonder why he never choose me what was it about me that he did not want. None of his previous relationships have ever worked and the only one he keeps around is me. I have wasted a decade of my life going around this revolving door. A lot has changed I no longer make him a priority in my life it is more or less if i have time to hang out then i do. Im actually busy a lot but I always wonder why he never chooses me. I have only walked away once in the 10 years and he came after me but even then i settled for less. I am finally washing my hands of him but secretly just wish he would come after me and say he wants to be with me…. but im not holding my breathe I just want a commitment. If only I could meet someone else.

  27. i have been seeing this guy almost a year now. started as a hook up but ended up falling in love with him given the past abusive drunkard boyfriend and i had just ended, this felt like the best new start. The time i started getting too attached, i felt it was too good to be true. So i do a face-book search, his history, just to know this person am falling for greatly. I find that he has a child.

    Of-course first thing that run to my mind. “who and where is the baby mama” He doesn’t deny having a child and baby mama being present but he says they have a child together and that’s all. The rest is work in progress.

    I carry on with the hooking up he says he also fell in love but never has he taken me on any spree together with him. Never post picture of us together anywhere, then i start to think this through. is he still with baby mama? Turns out the are. Confronting him about this, he says he dont want to let me go. I was ready to leave but baby mama stays and works in a totally different country from us was comfortable with that setting as long as she wasn’t here, i was good.
    Emotions rose the times she was in the country, i got no more play-time with him as his family was priority which i understood clearly. I could wait for the time they flew back so that u could have my prince charming to myself.

    A TEST happened, i got pregnant with his child. This was not planned for, i took P2 pills that suddenly didn’t work (true story) i could have taken the dose wrongly, i have no idea what went wrong. Before getting the results, i had discussed with him if i was to test and be knocked up, whats plan B. WITH NO REMORSE OR FEAR he suggests that “that kid got to go” This was clear that he and i will never be. Very emotional a time for me.

    His family visits two weeks after the procedure, My emotions turn back on but this time ready to walk out and be alone because i had had it.. I was really over him and moving on but then again he convinced me that he loved me and he just so UN-resistable, got back with him.

    I have tried all possible ways of avoiding him so as to easily get over it but we meet on many charity events.

    Being the side whore hurts.

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