The last thing I’d have EVER imagined I’d be in my life is a ‘Side Chick’.
But I was; for a considerably long period of time in fact.
My goodness, I have sooo dreaded writing this article, because I knew it would be almost like cheating if I came and spoke about the ‘Side Chick’ without telling MY story.
It crept up on me like a little bitch in heat. I didn’t sit down and after a long drawn out thought process, decide that “Yeah, I’m gonna be a ‘Side Chick‘.
No. I got extremely comfortable in my relationship with this really great person, no strings attached, and then one fateful day, as the intense jealousy pang at him going to meet with his Girlfriend struck, I knew I was done for.
I had officially become a ‘Side Chick’.
You’d think that at that precise moment, I would’ve regained my senses and put myself right back on track. But nooooooo Tariere stayed right there and got more and more comfortable in the situation until the point where I became completely defined by it.
Being a ‘Side Chick’ is by far the most difficult thing I have EVER had to do in my life.
There were too many things for me to contend with at the same time. Here I was struggling at the knowledge that I was 2nd to someone else in this Man’s life, the guilt of what I was possibly putting his GF through by my being with him, and at the same time, trying not to weigh him down with all my baggage of emotion.
I mean, here I was, the same person who before this situation, would not even give my number to someone who had a girlfriend, how much more accommodate him toasting me, all of a sudden I found myself doing everything possible to be the best ‘Side Chick’ that this person could ever have.
The way I looked at it at the time, I reckoned that I couldn’t do anything about the fact that he was in a relationship, but there was a lot within my power to make MY relationship with him a place he’d always want to be in. My deluded conscience would not allow me to make any demands of him to leave her for me, but of course, deep in my heart, it was ALL I really wanted.
So I did everything within my capacity to make this ‘Side’ relationship a comfort zone for him, so that he would at least have that as a consideration if he ever decided to make a choice.
Oh how I hated what I had become. But how I loved this person who was driving me insane to the point of no return.
As time went by, my relationship with him grew deeper, yet there were still no signs of him leaving her. A silent frustration began to kick in. Then I became obsessed with HER, wondering why the heck he couldn’t just walk away from her, when I could clearly see that he really wanted to be with me.
The discontent I felt began to manifest itself in my expression toward him, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t so patient anymore. Then slowly, I began to think less and less of myself as I reckoned that if he wasn’t choosing me, then it was because his GF was better than me, so there must be something terribly wrong with me.
This crack in my self-esteem progressively became deeper, and soon I was looking for the affirmation from other guys that WANTED to be with me.
I had nothing to do with any of them of course; I was way too devoted to my Mr. Unavailable for that. But I needed them. I needed to hear from them that I was desirable; I needed to see the approval and want in the eyes of another man, to affirm my own worth.
It didn’t matter to me that Mr. Unavailable treated me like a Princess regardless of the situation; for me it was simply a case of “If I mean THAT much to you, then why are you not holding MY hand in public”.
I consoled myself over and over again with the thoughts that he really wanted to be with me but just couldn’t, and also that one day, someway, somehow, it would all change for the better.
It was amazing how I had evolved into this person who could actually accept the fact that the man she’s with is at a precise moment, lying in bed with another person. I accepted it to the point that I actually felt nothing about it anymore.
My life became all about this relationship. All I saw myself as at some point was as a ‘Side Chick’ and nothing more. I defined everything about myself, even in my head, from the perspective of me being a ‘Side Chick’.
My goodness, I look back and laugh right now as I think about it.
It’s been quite a while since that chapter of my life, and I’d honestly tell you that till this day, I am still in many ways affected by that experience.
I still battle with the self-esteem issues sometimes; I had placed myself in a position that is less than I deserve for too long, and a lot of my mindsets had adapted themselves to that situation.
So changing them and seeing myself differently is a process that I’m still recovering from till this very moment.
The starting point of my healing from all the emotional and psychological damage being a ‘Side Chick’ did to me was ACCEPTANCE. Isn’t it weird how something as simple as Acceptance can become the most difficult thing when you would rather things were different?
But if I EVER wanted to heal and move forward, I had no choice but to embrace Acceptance.
Acceptance of the fact that this person is with someone else, and no matter what he says, I say, he feels, I feel, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that, so I’d better MOVE on.
Acceptance of the fact that other people, his girlfriend in particular, deserved also to be happy, and not just me alone.
Acceptance that the situation itself is not a reflection of WHO I am, but rather, what I have allowed to be my reality.
Acceptance that everything; every experience, every relationship, happens for a reason, and that I will come to that point where the reason has clearly been worked out in me.
After the journey which has brought me to this present moment, I think I have just discovered my reason.
To be able to share this story with YOU.
I guess you have seen through this article, that I have the mind, power and technical know-how to be a ‘Side-Chick’, nevertheless I say to you that it’s not a desirable position to be in at all.
True Love is free from all Compromise.
We’re talking ‘Main Squeeze’ next week; meanwhile Tari’s blog is www.tariere.blogspot.com OR follow TariEkiyor on Twitter.