Nwanems and Nnes, we dey salute you o!!! For the people wey don dey read dis memoirs tori tey tey, u know the P. And for the freshers, una welcome o. For this page, we get somtin wey dem dey call RULES, so no judge us, abeg, make u just enjoy the tori wey we wan give you dis week.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Standing there was Biola
Biola: Hey, Nobs. What’s with the confused look?
Nobs: Hey B, been a while
Biola: So, are you going to hug me or is one of your numerous Shawls or tiny hiding in one of the rooms?
Nobs: There’s no one here but you my love. Please quit calling people names. It’s Slim and Shirls.
Biola: Slim ko, Tiny ni. Are you working tomorrow?
Nobs: Yup. Why?
Biola: I need you in me for long…
Nobs: The “for long” is the one I don’t get. Respectable people are rumored to have died while trying to stay in “for long” while shagging younger women. Forget the Apple tale (By the way, who ever came up with Apple cover up was very daft).
Biola: Nobs, we’ve got limited time, boo.
Nobs: I need to finish up ‘Memoirs’ first.
Biola: Hurry up with that.
I went back to the living to write but could no longer concentrate. No living “bent” man will see Biola’s ass and not consider going straight for her talk less of a straight man. I knew instantly that I would not be able to complete any task at work the following day because there was no way I wasn’t going to pour a bit of my brain in her.
In the meantime while trying to concentrate and finish memoirs I got a text from Biola…
“ Where’s the cuff?”
I replied “In my wardrobe” and quickly sent the memoirs to Bims.
Biola likes playing with the cuffs and we take turns in cuffing each other to the burglary proof by the window. Trust me, it’s out of this world.
I got to the room and Biola was wearing the favorite outfit I love to see on a lady. A purple lacy pant and bra paired with red stiletto heels. I knew what she wanted and I quickly went to the bathroom to rush a bath. I came out few minutes later in my boxers and I asked what she wanted me to do?
Biola: Play “Rude Boy” and don’t touch me while I dance.
Biola: Stand by the window and raise your hands.
I did exactly as she instructed and she cuffed my hands. (I thought about giving you readers a sneak peek but I wouldn’t want anyone one of you to use it against me in future).
Biola danced all over the place. From the bed to the floor and all I did was nothing. I had a boner that I was so sure could power a BQ. I watched and waited until she came and knelt down in front of me. At that moment, everything I thought I knew about language speaking changed. I started speaking in languages I never knew I could speak and I loved it.
I looked at the time and it was 2am but Biola said we needed to make up for lost times. I begged her to let us sleep to continue in the morning. I don’t know about you but since I realized that s*x is not PS3 FIFA game that awards score per performance, I step down while I’m still alive. “He who fights and runs, lives to fight another day”.
Monday, 23rd August 2010
I woke up and wanted to call in sick. I felt like someone who had mined all night even though there was one or two ‘itu isi’ but thats not mining na.
I quickly went to the bathroom but immediately I drew the shower curtain, Biola threw it back and asked me to make a space for her. Instantly, I knew I was going to go to work late.
Biola: Nobs, we made a deal.
Nobs: I didn’t want to disturb you that’s why I didn’t wake you up.
Biola: I’m awake now!
Nobs: But, I’ve got to go to work.
Biola: Ehn, I’m not stopping you, am I?
Nobs: Okay cool.
Biola: I’ve only got one favour to ask though
Nobs: What B?
Biola: Let me scrub your body and you have to scrub mine in return.
Nobs: Cool beans.
Biola started scrubbing me and before you could say “Don’t touch it”, whatever soap that was left on our bodies ended up on my bedsheet.
I got to work late, tired and over used. Trust me, for the whole day my brain found it hard to tell my body what to do.
Thursday, 26th August 2010
This is a story for next week. I met the originator of “Deep throating”.
Friday, 27th August 2010
I got a BBM from Ivory saying
Ivory: I’m about to leave PH.Where do we meet?
Nobs: I’ll be at work in Ikeja.
Ivory: I told Boyfie, I’ll be coming in tomorrow so I wouldn’t want to be seen around town.
Nobs: Okay. Come to Ikeja then.
Let me introduce Ivory.
I was going through my friend’s BBM contacts when I saw Ivory’s profile picture. She was looking so cute I had to beg my friend to inform her that I would love to have her pin. She added me and that was the beginning of our friendship.
Our chatting went from ‘just met’ to ‘random’ and then to ‘flirting’. We looked forward to meeting so we could finish what we started on BBM.
She got into town, came to my office and we went home together.
We tried to stay civil while watching BBA with Chaa until she stood and said she needed to sleep. We got to the room and immediately she pulled up her tank top a pair of very fair twins locked in 36B cages said “Hi Uncle Nobs, anyi ga ama onye ike ga akwu”. I whispered right back “Amu siri ‘m ike”– (I was born strong, ithink).
I like “short thing” girls. They ask for your tee shirt and then proceed immediately to change in your presence. If you require any sort of “green light’ afterwards, then you desist from putting “Mr.” in front of your name.
She laid down on the bed and requested for a full body massage.
I looked down at her and my conscience screamed “That’s somebody’s woman ooo, Nobs” but an incident that took place in the past pushed me to ignore the guilt.
A chic once told her friends that I couldn’t read “green lights” even if a boob was to be pushed into my mouth”. As a result, I decided never to let any ‘rights offer’ pass without ‘subscribing’.
I massaged her real good and the following morning I dropped her at MM2 so that her boyfriend would go get her.
Let he that is without a sin throw the first stone!!!
Saturday 28th August 2010
I promised my sister that I was going to stay home with her and that was what I did. We popped some corns and watched series of movies. It’s always fab to spend quality time with family.
I love you, cha.
11.00pm – SWE Bar
Left home with Chaa and her friends for SWE Bar to support Omawumi. It was a good night and Omawumi did it right with a live band.
And let me use this opportunity to announce to the general public that I LOVE Waje shamelessly. I’ve never loved a female musician like this. She sings from her heart and maybe someday she would be recognized in this country.
1.00am – Rehab
I don’t what to bore you with details of the Oversize babe who happens to be a product of a love affair between two musicians. She’s like “matter”- She has weight and occupies space.
Storm was in the building with EME and MoHits records and a CC boy. Ice prince, Skales, Wiz, D’Prince, Naeto and YQ all brought their “A game.”
I miss Shirls and this trying to avoid her wasn’t working. I don’t tweet or BBM her. All I think about are her cute slangs “Nobs, don’t dull me”, “You are on a long”. Maybe, Shirls is really the one.
Headed out to LPM at GET to support estaNOLA. Saw @funms with the BB Torch and hated her for beating me to it.
I was really impressed with Wonu and her achievement. She gave people the opportunity to get quality goods as well as a platform for “aspiring fashionsita wannabees”. These days it easy to claim ‘stylist’ all you need to do is –Wear a jumper with Bubba and put an Ankara on your hair-Boom you are a London or New York trained stylist. Stylist ko, Cyclist ni.
I was writing memoirs when the call came through and the instruction was simple…
“C o m e a n d g e t m e”.
This was one big sinful weekend. Shame on me x_x.