MEMOIRS OF A SLU…shhKID: WK16

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Nwanems and Nnes, we dey salute you o!!! For the people wey don dey read dis memoirs tori tey tey, u know the P.  And for the freshers, una welcome o. For this page, we get somtin wey dem dey call RULES, so no judge us, abeg, make u just enjoy the tori wey we wan give you dis week.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Dear Diary,

Standing there was Biola

Biola: Hey, Nobs. What’s with the confused look?

Nobs: Hey B, been a while

Biola: So, are you going to hug me or is one of your numerous Shawls or tiny hiding in one of the rooms?

Nobs: There’s no one here but you my love. Please quit calling people names. It’s Slim and Shirls.

Biola: Slim ko, Tiny ni. Are you working tomorrow?

Nobs: Yup. Why?

Biola: I need you in me for long…

Nobs: The “for long” is the one I don’t get. Respectable people are rumored to have died while trying to stay in “for long” while shagging younger women.  Forget the Apple tale (By the way, who ever came up with Apple cover up was very daft).

Biola: Nobs, we’ve got limited time, boo.

Nobs: I need to finish up ‘Memoirs’ first.

Biola: Hurry up with that.

I went back to the living to write but could no longer concentrate. No living  “bent” man will see Biola’s ass and not consider going straight for her talk less of a straight man. I knew instantly that I would not be able to complete any task at work the following day because there was no way I wasn’t going to pour a bit of my brain in her.

In the meantime while trying to concentrate and finish memoirs I got a text from Biola…

“ Where’s the cuff?”

I replied “In my wardrobe” and quickly sent the memoirs to Bims.

Biola likes playing with the cuffs and we take turns in cuffing each other to the burglary proof by the window. Trust me, it’s out of this world.

I got to the room and Biola was wearing the favorite outfit I love to see on a lady. A purple lacy pant and bra paired with red stiletto heels. I knew what she wanted and I quickly went to the bathroom to rush a bath. I came out few minutes later in my boxers and I asked what she wanted me to do?

Biola: Play “Rude Boy” and don’t touch me while I dance.

Nobs: Ok.

Biola: Stand by the window and raise your hands.

I did exactly as she instructed and she cuffed my hands. (I thought about giving you readers a sneak peek but I wouldn’t want anyone one of you to use it against me in future).

Biola danced all over the place. From the bed to the floor and all I did was nothing. I had a boner that I was so sure could power a BQ. I watched and waited until she came and knelt down in front of me. At that moment, everything I thought I knew about language speaking changed. I started speaking in languages I never knew I could speak and I loved it.

2.00am
I looked at the time and it was 2am but Biola said we needed to make up for lost times. I begged her to let us sleep to continue in the morning. I don’t know about you but since I realized that s*x is not PS3 FIFA game that awards score per performance, I step down while I’m still alive. “He who fights and runs, lives to fight another day”.


Monday, 23rd August 2010

Dear Diary,

6.00am
I woke up and wanted to call in sick. I felt like someone who had mined all night even though there was one or two ‘itu isi’ but thats not mining na.

I quickly went to the bathroom but immediately I drew the shower curtain, Biola threw it back and asked me to make a space for her. Instantly, I knew I was going to go to work late.

Biola: Nobs, we made a deal.

Nobs: I didn’t want to disturb you that’s why I didn’t wake you up.

Biola: I’m awake now!

Nobs: But, I’ve got to go to work.

Biola: Ehn, I’m not stopping you, am I?

Nobs: Okay cool.

Biola: I’ve only got one favour to ask though

Nobs: What B?

Biola: Let me scrub your body and you have to scrub mine in return.

Nobs: Cool beans.

Biola started scrubbing me and before you could say “Don’t touch it”, whatever soap that was left on our bodies ended up on my bedsheet.

I got to work late, tired and over used. Trust me, for the whole day my brain found it hard to tell my body what to do.


Thursday, 26th August 2010

Dear Diary,

This is a story for next week. I met the originator of “Deep throating”.

Friday, 27th August 2010

Dear Diary,

3.00pm
I got a BBM from Ivory saying

Ivory: I’m about to leave PH.Where do we meet?

Nobs: I’ll be at work in Ikeja.

Ivory: I told Boyfie, I’ll be coming in tomorrow so I wouldn’t want to be seen around town.

Nobs: Okay. Come to Ikeja then.

Let me introduce Ivory.
I was going through my friend’s BBM contacts when I saw Ivory’s profile picture. She was looking so cute I had to beg my friend to inform her that I would love to have her pin. She added me and that was the beginning of our friendship.
Our chatting went from ‘just met’ to ‘random’ and then to ‘flirting’. We looked forward to meeting so we could finish what we started on BBM.

She got into town, came to my office and we went home together.

8.30pm
We tried to stay civil while watching BBA with Chaa until she stood and said she needed to sleep. We got to the room and immediately she pulled up her tank top a pair of very fair twins locked in 36B cages said “Hi Uncle Nobs, anyi ga ama onye ike ga akwu”. I whispered right back “Amu siri ‘m ike”– (I was born strong, ithink).

I like short thing girls. They ask for your tee shirt and then proceed immediately to change in your presence. If you require any sort of “green light’ afterwards, then you desist from putting “Mr.” in front of your name.

She laid down on the bed and requested for a full body massage.

I looked down at her and my conscience screamed “That’s somebody’s woman ooo, Nobs” but an incident that took place in the past pushed me to ignore the guilt.

A chic once told her friends that I couldn’t read “green lights” even if a boob was to be pushed into my mouth”.  As a result, I decided never to let any ‘rights offer’ pass without ‘subscribing’.

I massaged her real good and the following morning I dropped her at MM2 so that her boyfriend would go get her.

Let he that is without a sin throw the first stone!!!


Saturday 28th August 2010

Dear Diary,

12.00noon
I promised my sister that I was going to stay home with her and that was what I did. We popped some corns and watched series of movies.  It’s always fab to spend quality time with family.

I love you, cha.

11.00pm – SWE Bar
Left home with Chaa and her friends for SWE Bar to support Omawumi. It was a good night and Omawumi did it right with a live band.

And let me use this opportunity to announce to the general public that I LOVE Waje shamelessly. I’ve never loved a female musician like this. She sings from her heart and maybe someday she would be recognized in this country.

1.00am – Rehab
I don’t what to bore you with details of the Oversize babe who happens to be a product of a love affair between two musicians. She’s like “matter”- She has weight and occupies space.

Storm was in the building with EME and MoHits records and a CC boy. Ice prince, Skales, Wiz, D’Prince, Naeto and YQ all brought their “A game.”

3.00am
Left the building for home NOT alone.
Few hours later she updated her BB status with “Best head I ever had. I’m so keeping you for me”.

Sunday 29th August 2010

Dear Diary,

10.00am
I miss Shirls and this trying to avoid her wasn’t working. I don’t tweet or BBM her. All I think about are her cute slangs “Nobs, don’t dull me”, “You are on a long”. Maybe,  Shirls is really the one.

3.00pm
Headed out to LPM at GET to support estaNOLA. Saw @funms with the BB Torch and hated her for beating me to it.
I was really impressed with Wonu and her achievement. She gave people the opportunity to get quality goods as well as a platform for “aspiring fashionsita wannabees”. These days it easy to claim ‘stylist’ all you need to do is –Wear a jumper with Bubba and put an Ankara on your hair-Boom you are a London or New York trained stylist. Stylist ko,  Cyclist ni.

11.20pm
I was writing memoirs when the call came through and the instruction was simple…

“C o m e a n d g e t m e”.

This was one big sinful weekend. Shame on me x_x.

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind.
He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys.
Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS.

Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid

Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

56 comments

  1. OMG!!!
    Am i really first?
    Anyway Noble, iwu onye ara!
    Love it.
    #dead @ stylist ko, cyclist ni, but it’s not a lie, every uju, mary and foluke will go and give tailor in yaba ankara to sew something out of a magazine and call themselves fashionista/stylist.

  2. This is every bit of the excitement I craved last week,I guess u really got d issh ds week,n damn,those back slabs are great
    To ba tu kini yen le!!!

  3. Mr noble is back…d only word to describe biola is b***h..wasn’t she formng vex b4..naija babes na wa o…I agree wit u n waje..I love her nd can’t wait for her to break into d industry…where is d gift u promisd ur avid readers..we r waitng o…PS I miss shirl a lot o…..pls break her back…

  4. Lool @noble, Oshamo! Anyways, r these d babes that dint allow u write bout them last wk? Sex sells o, if u want to guarantee readers, Pls get laid

  5. Don’t u ever get tired of all dat p***y?lol…plus despite ow sinful ur week was, u still had time to think abt Shirls, maybe she really is d ONE!!!lol

  6. U didn’t just put up some girls black but for us to see?oh c’mon now!! Anyways came into Lag some days ago n a frnd invited me to LPM. I’ll have to agree wit u on dt! Cldnt stand d no of wannabee stylists wit der fake accents. Meehn….I tire for Lagos girls oh! *Stylist ko cyclist ni

  7. I hope u know ur status Mr Igwe…messing with girls like Biola who might be messing with other men…messing with other chics fucking sugar daddies

  8. So, I fink its all made up sha, bt woteva, stil entertainin! Iv neva seen nobs write tht he gave one of the girls money or somthin, its just the sex! Wot r u broke or do uy just not blive in buying fuel, payin for someones hair, buyin credit, sendn someone money, etc normal things u do fr a girl whether shirls or ada!?! Do u fink it strts n ends at ur house wif sex??

  9. with all this exercise you get in your bedroom hope you ” ve got 6 packs….

    (its obvious the irritated readers are trying to be friendly…assholes…..)

  10. Sir Noble Igwe, good job as always.
    U got me seriously crackin up @I don’t know about you but since I realized that s*x is not PS3 FIFA game that awards score per performance, I step down while I’m still alive. “He who fights and runs, lives to fight another day”.

    Keep d Memoirs coming!!!

  11. Shirls is the one but u keep screwing every other chic that gives u the “green light” and u blatantly publish ur amorous lifestyle for all ur conquests (Shirls included) to see… how disrespectful!

  12. Huge fan, since my friend sent your link… I cannot get enough!!

    Btw, saw you last week off adeola odeku, guessing u were on ur way home.. Wanted to shout and tell u I was a huge fan but I’m shy…

    Well done tho! Well impressed!!

  13. @nobs…..love the tone u write wiv man..been reading the page for long but loose the steam to drop comments…
    @ all the guys who doubt getting ‘meows’ at ur beck n call….
    I think U should drop the “MR” in front of ya name as @nobs rightly said….
    Pussies aint hard to come by and whipped! It just the way u go about it….it’s so possible to get laid monday thru sunday and any other day after sunday before monday!
    Gidi chics are the sweetest..always looking out for the MR-NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED-AFTER GETTING-DOWN!
    So please, change ur paradigm about this, “make konji no finish u”

    @nobs.. The shaggings may be true, but the way u put ’em raises more doubts than nods!
    But anyway…. Keep the memoir coming!

  14. My dear nobs, all I can say is keep living ur life and enjoy every bit of it,dnt cr abt dem haters..
    Nice read had to go thru d whole 15weeks

  15. I need to come up with new and interesting stories regularly so people will notice me & not forget about my blog. Though some of the stories are made up & pure fiction, there are people who totally believe them which is the important thing cos the aim of this blog is popularity and money….lol.

    I never learnt to respect women so I dont want anyone telling me to respect them cos they are all the same & I can sleep with any one of them; slim, shirls, ada, biola, ivory….anyone i want, anytime……girls, always willing……

    more free women…..more…..more (pls the younger the better, no old keles abeg….16yrs-25yrs only….sweet…)
    you can call me pervert, anything you want….I dont care….

  16. I need to come up with new and interesting stories regularly so people will notice me & not forget about my blog. Though most of the stories are made up & pure fiction, there are people who totally believe them which is the important thing cos the aim of this blog is popularity and money….lol.

    I never learnt to respect women so I dont want anyone telling me to respect them cos they are all the same & I can sleep with any one of them; slim, shirls, ada, biola, ivory….anyone i want, anytime……girls, always willing……

    more free women…..more…..more (pls the younger the better, no old keles abeg….16yrs-25yrs only….sweet…)
    you can call me pervert, anything you want….I dont care….

  17. which kind drag be this btw NOBS and NOBLE IGWE…abeg, no fakes allowed, its too dulling

    As for the real NOBS, your life is tres interesting. I can’t believe I always passed up on reading your memoirs. Now, I’m hookedddddd

  18. Nobs abi na noble , mayb u shuld just change it 2 nobbit… u r just a freak of nature….imagine u saying u can do any woman u like becos dey all d same , just like ur mother , sisters & all ur female fam members …go on son u r rite
    Mayb u shuld jus change d theme of ur memoirs as dey r all sick fantasies of a wannabee creative mind who can excel @ oda things..

  19. So this girl is okay with her black bum being open to billions over the internet and she’s okay with it? And she’s not a pornstar or an ashee?This world don spoil finish

  20. @ NOBS….denying wat he posted on the wall earlier:

    really?!……like anyone can log into this site & post on the wall as NOBS…..hiss!!!

  21. @ Smart chick….I stick to what i posted on the wall earlier. I never learnt to respect women so I dont want anyone telling me to respect them cos they are all the same & I can sleep with any one of them; slim, shirls, ada, biola, ivory….anyone i want, anytime……girls, always willing……

    more free women…..more…..more (pls the younger the better, no old keles abeg….16yrs-25yrs only….sweet…)
    you can call me pervert, anything you want….I dont care…

  22. Hmmmmm the name of the girl who occupies space starts with OK and ends with KI…correct me if I’m wrong!!! 😛

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