MEMOIRS OF A SLU…SHHKID: WK12

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Hello there, here we are 12th week of the Memoirs….wow.  This is thanking you for the support commentaries…..you’ve been here before? You know what to do…… Never been before, first timer then you need to stop here and read the RULES before you continue.

Friday, 30th July 2010

Dear diary

6.20pm
We’ve had a wonderful non-stressful day, so let’s complete the night with I.N.C.E.P.T.I.O.N.

Got to the galleria at 6.20pm only to be informed that movie was for 8.20pm.  I was confused for a straight 2 minutes but later decided to walk around the mall strictly for hunting exercise purposes only.

I went from one store to another, counted almost all the CDs displayed at the Silverbird media store and NO that was not my first time. Two Months ago, I wanted to check Olu Maintain’s relevance in the industry. So I counted all his CDs on display and marked the last one with a pen.  Today, one thing is obvious, the CDs are still the same number and that means Olu maintain is still up cos the number didn’t go down. ☺

I was about to leave the store when someone shouted, “It’s a lie, Noble Igwe”; lo and behold it was “Ogechi” my super escapedshag-ex–married-with-two-kids-girlfriend.  She was looking all pretty but a lot more endowed.

Ogechi: See my baby is now grown

Nobs: I‘ve been eating good food.

Ogechi: Awwww. Kedu kwanu?

Nobs: I’m good. Just the way you left me.

Ogechi: How are your parents and your siblings? They all must be grown now.

Nobs: We all are. Once in a while your name comes up.

Ogechi: How?

Nobs: As the one that escaped.

Ogechi: Shattap. You didn’t push enough and someone got there before you. Moreover, you said you didn’t want to disvirgin me.

Nobs: I still don’t but then I felt betrayed when we broke up without making me your first.

Nobs: So, what are you doing in Lagos?

Ogechi: I’m here for a training programme and I’ll be around for three weeks.

Nobs: With your husband and kids?

Ogechi: Nah.  Just me. I didn’t even ask, are you married now?

Nobs: Nope. Is your younger sister still single?

Ogechi: Yeah, why?

Nobs: She’s a fine chic and maybe it won’t be a bad idea to keep me in your family.

Ogechi: Noble, don’t try any rubbish with my sister.

Nobs: Noted. Who are you here with?

Ogechi: My colleague. I think she’s at the mag stand.

Nobs: Oh great. Where are you staying?

Ogechi: Eko Hotel. Shebi you’ll come and see me?

Nobs: Are you both staying together?

Ogechi: How?!

Nobs: I’m just asking ooooo.

Ogechi: Or your girlfriend won’t allow you?

Nobs: Nne, you know, na. You are her senior she’ll ask no questions. What are you doing tonight?

Ogechi: Nothing. Why? You want to take me out?

Nobs: I don’t know if I’m going out yet.

Ogechi: Awww, my baby is grown.

Nobs: Yeah and some other things grew as well.

Ogechi: Ashawo. Oya let me see…

Nobs: I’ll show you when I come.

Ogechi: Hmmm, I can see that some people are now proud of certain things.

Nobs: Too bad you missed it.

Ogechi: I can’t have it any longer?

Nobs: Mba!!!

Ogechi: So what time are you coming?

Nobs: Room number??

Ogechi: ***

Nobs: And your phone number. Just in case

Ogechi: 0803535****. Nobs, buzz me. I think my colleague is ready to go and I don’t want any office gossip.

Nobs: Okay. I’ll just go up and chill for my movie.

Ogechi: Make sure you come tonight ooooo. I’m so happy to see you.

Nobs: Me too.

Ogechi: Please stop smiling like that. It brings back good memories

Nobs: I’m so happy to see you. Just sent you a text with my number and Pin. Please add me on your BB.

Ogechi: Okay.

Watching her walk away made me wish she wasn’t married.

I walked around a bit more for sightseeing. Believe me the Silverbird galleria is a tourist site/attraction with girls of different sizes on display. Sometimes I really pity married women. They’ll pray for good health, pray for their children and also pray against the eyes of their fellow women. These small girls are not smilling ooooo. Unlike the others, they don’t care if  “it’s” defined or not. I love looking down the centre from the 4th floor. Try it and thank me later.
I ended up seeing the movie with Oyinbo and C.

12.00am Marquee
Vodka picked me up from mine and we headed to out to Marquee. On getting to Marquee, we ordered ABE style. Henny and Ms G later joined the table and that was the excuse we required to order more and at some point I went to the next level/stage.

Talking about next level, I think being drunk/high is like the movie “Inception”. When you get high, your reasoning moves to the next level  “below” leaving behind the people who are familiar with “above” but that does not mean that you do not know what you are doing, it’s just that “the others” are having discussions with the body you left above. – ok, that didn’t make sense.

Back to partying hard jor.

We were balling hard when the text message came in from Ogechi “Nobs, you didn’t come again as discussed. I know you are out. Pass through my hotel on your way home. You’ve put ideas in my head. Maybe I’ll make you a real man tonight. Please delete after reading”.

I can’t really remember ever having anything with a married woman. Emphasis on CAN’T REMEMBER but right there and then all I wanted to do was, excuse my self and drive straight to Eko Hotel. I didn’t see anything wrong with visiting an ex and maybe her text was an excuse to make me come get her from Eko Hotel.  I tried to leave but Vodka wouldn’t let me, so I sent her a text “I’ll see you on my way home”.

There was so much to drink and at some point I lost track of time. Henny’s driver woke me around 5.30am to say, “Oga, Noble we don reach”. I opened my eyes and found myself in front of my house. I looked at my phone and saw 21 missed calls from Ogechi. Choi!!!! SMH!

Saturday, July 31st 2010

Dear Diary

10.00am
I woke up with a nasty headache and body ache. Looked for my phone, and there was a text from Oge Dinner on me tonight? I’ll be in training all day”.
I sat down and thought about the situation. Okay, maybe she’s not suggesting anything; maybe she was just lonely and needed company; maybe I sent out the wrong signal; maybe I should just go ahead with the dinner date. I knew one thing for sure, if she makes a move on me, I won’t be able to stop myself. Even after two, she was looking hawt. I ‘think’ I believe in karma and if the consequence is someone “taking” my wife, as long as I don’t get to know “what you don’t know will never hurt you”. I replied her text “Cool, call me when you’re done”.

Chaa served me breakfast and I left for my 11am Swimming within Sharks seminar (Organised by Corporate Shepherds).

11.10am Oriental hotel
Seminar was great and I totally enjoyed Tunde Bakare’s presentation.

Seminar ended and I headed out to ‘Fun Turf’ in Lekki Phase 1 to support DR and his team.
On getting to the venue, you would think it was a Dr Dre concert cos most people had a B by Dre hanging on their neck and most “chics” were trying to outdo each other in breast exhibition. I think something is wrong with the air we breathe now. Back in the days, the only time you see a nipple in the public is when a mother is breast-feeding a child but almost every girl wants to show “boobie” nowadays. Not like we are complaining but once we’ve seen “boobie” how do you expect us to chase you without thinking sex?

Ms Smith welcomed me and introduced me to her friends. Ms Bee came to get me. DR was so nice. I also met R Master, S Manu, TM and loads of other peeps.

I must say it was well put together and I had fun.

The picture below says a lot, no?

6.10pm
Went home to change out of my R&R(all i wear most of the time in different styles), headed out to meet E and her friends at Ice cream factory and from there we went to FPH for cocktails. I was the only guy amongst four babes and that was how I got to know that the same people that produce underwear for Primark also produces for Oasis. Whatever that means. Thank me for the information. From FPH to Zamunda for D underground and from Zamunda back to the house to rest.

Got another text from Ogechi.“Hey Nobs, my sister-in-law just came to chill with me for 2 days so we may have to move our date to Monday night. She knows our history. Please don’t be mad. I’ll make it up to you” and I replied “Cool beans, Hun. Please delete”

12.10am Marquee
Got a call from Olams to meet up at Marquee before “STORMing” Rehab for Sauce kid’s album launch. Picked up Henny and we headed out to Rehab. It was a fun night of don’t-offer-me-a-drink- with alcohol-just coke only and-thank-you-in-advance.

3.00am
On getting to the car, some dude said we should ‘fin him something’ and when I said I didn’t have any money on me unless he wanted me to write him a cheque, dude asked if ‘my ashewo dey collect cheque’ and that got me thinking; ‘So Ashewo no dey collect cheque?’ After I dropped Henny off, I drove through AA and the following took place.

  nobz_and_Ashi.mp3 (1.6 MiB, 4,809 hits)

Please overlook my heavy Igbo accent and don’t judge her bedroom voice ‘fone’. She was just selling her market.

Lightbulb moment: on leaving the Ashhi, i thought to myself(clearly) there is a need for Ashhis to be provided with POS machine since cheque collection isnt her style and should incase the next best money giving thing ‘ATM’s are down, all u have to do as a customer is to SWIPE.  You know i dont think its totally wrong to have this equipment, i mean even churches now have POS machines for sunday service collection.

4.00am
I got home and for some reason I felt so alone.

Sunday, August 1st 2010

Dear Diary,

11.00am
I woke up hungry and thought about going to Eko Hotel for breakfast. I settled for Chaa’s kitchen.

2.00pm
Went for a meeting at the Galleria, came back home for lunch.

9.00pm
E came to pick me and together we went to Ice Cream factory. She dropped me off at home and I started writing my Memoirs.

11.42pm
I got a BBM from Shirls

Shirls: Yo
Nobs: I called you.
Shirls: Seeing a movie at the Palms.  Are u home?
Nobs: Hmmmmm, movies without me?
Shirls: And some people went watch football without me. I saw the tweets. Are you home jor??
Nobs: Yes, baby
Shirls: Alone?
Nobs: As always
Shirls: Until I read your diary on Monday
Nobs: Come jor. I’ve got ice cream
Shirls: Oh really?
Nobs: Start coming

Shirls came looking hawt as usual. I asked her to listen to Le’mmon’s ‘Luvin That All

  Le'mmon - Luvin That All.mp3 (3.9 MiB, 6,712 hits)

(Please download and let me know what you think plus its my personal gift to you readers. You heard it here first!!!)

She went to the kitchen, got the ice cream and asked me get off my Macbook. I asked her to give me few minutes but instead of that she took my boxers with her teeth and in few minutes I felt her tongue ring and ice cream on lil ****. It was an experience I can’t share here.


Tongue ring + Ice Cream =unimaginable bliss
(Try it ONLY at home cos all my neighbours now knows Shirls by name).

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

45 comments

  1. u r jst a wacko…..lol @ d sublimal on Olu Maintain…..

    Tongue ring + Ice Cream =unimaginable bliss..just added dt do my TO DO List…
    hey lest i frget…stay off my married woman,evry single gurl is fair game…frget karma…sumtin aint jst rite…cha bruv

  2. Ermmm me I couldn’t overlook the Igbo accent oh..damn! Is that how you speak or that was meant to be like added effects or something?

    That your married woman friend sef..nawa. Tell her karma is real smh!

  3. nice one today and please stay away from married women.i wonder how she’s going to feel if and when she gets to readthis
    But hey nobz i had no idea u had/have a thick ibo accent…lol.
    looking forward to next week’s dose.

  4. I really cannot understand y this fellow cannot follow back on twitter…pff..is he proud?…if yes,Y?O_o nways,i’ll haf’to say ur doin a gud job dear. Eazy.

  5. Cant help but notice that the numb skulls that criticise these memoirs the most… always seem to b here every monday regardless….. stop being so negative and admit that it is a gud read….. kmt

    nobs i knw a few ppl in the uk that read ur blog nd luv it…. keep doing ur thing… we only live once y not enjoy it to the max….

  6. I loove the first paragraph of Jst Wondering’s comment!
    Nobs ur just a kolomental fellow! Monday is never complete without your memoirs! Keep them coming!!

  7. And out of my idle-monday, I stumbled here.
    Twas a good read.

    P.s: truly, leave married women! It don’t matter dt m considering doin a married somborri by d weekend!
    Oops! Well m female n dis iz a one-time contract.

  8. ” the same people that produce underwear for Primark also produces for Oasis”
    Really now? I know its one of your rules but I just couldn’t help it I’m sorry! Ok bye

  9. #co-sign wiv YvY …dat wznt very daring!!! gud thing u dulled on d married ex o…not a nice place to go!

    On the oda hand…y’all are just ashawos!!! everybody downloaded ‘nobs and ashi’ but not d same for Vinnie’s track! smh

  10. Hmmm……u had a not-so-adventurous weekend…..not bad at all 🙂

    As for d married woman, it seems u don’t want to go ‘there’ & dat’s a very respectable position u’ve taken…..I’d say u should hang out with her though, at least for old times sake…..if she makes a move, u can decline nicely (I don’t agree with ur “I knew one thing for sure, if she makes a move on me, I won ’t be able to stop myself”) or do u oblige every single hawt lady that makes a move on u?

  11. The thing about primark and oasis is actually true
    Cos I used to work for primark as a buyer! And I knw dis for sure
    So noble thanks for the “stale gist”
    Btw stay away from married women! Whether or not u have a history
    Karma will come back and bite u in d nuts

  12. Igweeeee,

    Thou shalt sleepeth only with available women( keles, scrobos, ashis, hawt mamas, fwfs) No married women or you would be digging your grave! Believe me, i know!

  13. u shud enter for international writing contests, ur review though funny and cocky drives home a point, nothing like a write up that makes people all of a sudden self righteous which is exactly the reaction u wanted, reminds me of lustig`s 8th commandment “never boast, just let ur importance be quietly obvious, gud job.

  14. the only thing i request for is that you please translate your igbo in english because some of your readers arent igbo…thanks..

  15. Ple people,the name of the artiste who sang ”when you see me” is Le’mmon not vinnie..(smiles) the name vinnie comes from his real name (vincent)

    NOTED……

  16. wit singles everything is legal,but wit married women…….that a whole new ball game,its way out of ur league.stay clear if u wanna live long!!!

  17. liar,liar, pants on fire.
    you not even that cute to be nyashing girls like this.
    then again they could be local girls so I guess.

  18. with all the info u put up as per Ogechi, anyone that is close enough to her can identify her! her digits, stayin at eko hotel, sis in law in town…
    there is crazy i-dont-send bloggin, and there is putting someone’s marriage…read life on the line. u may say she asked for it but still…take it easy man!

  19. I need to come up with new and interesting stories regularly so people will notice me & not forget about my blog. Though most of the stories are made up & pure fiction, there are people who totally believe them which is the important thing cos the aim of this blog is popularity and money….lol.

    I never learnt to respect women so I dont want anyone telling me to respect them cos they are all the same & I can sleep with any one of them; slim, shirls, ada, biola, ivory….anyone i want, anytime……girls, always willing……

    more free women…..more…..more (pls the younger the better, no old keles abeg….16yrs-25yrs only….sweet…)
    you can call me pervert, anything you want….I dont care….

  20. Err, having read some of the convos u have with ur subjects(pardon that)u have an undertone of a very nice person becos u r caring. Well, i know some of this is fiction, but u sound cocky most times.

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