IF TWITTER WERE REAL LIFE…

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We would be living in a perfect world, where every girl is a sexy beast and every man has a peen that can fold into seven equal parts. Every girl is the hotter version of the love child of Kim KardASSian and Angelina “venus fly-trap vag” Jolie and every dude is a high-ranking porn-star in Porn-Star land….the most talented of the lot belong to associations and committees.

It would be a world where everyone is intelligent, funny and witty.  It doesn’t matter if google.com says someone else wrote it years ago…. Google. Copy. Paste. Screw plagiarism jor!

A perfect world it would be, where every compliment to a “famous” musician is considered as “ass-kissing” punishable by death by being gossiped about (equiv. to real life death sentence). Well….except you’re friends with said celebrity, then you’re just “hailing your boy”.

It would be a world where every song/album released by a Nigerian celebrity is the next best thing after sliced bread and suya.   Side note: The Wack O’ Meters installed in the common human brain threw in the towel. They issued this press release before they resigned: “Fuck it, we are done listening to this shit.” They’re presently scheming a beat-down for the person(s) responsible for encouraging D’Prince to go into music…..iHear.

Imagine if twitter were real life, where every other girl is a man-eating, bi-curious, orgy-having, orgasm giving, liberated woman. She will bang your brains out, morning, noon and night. Breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dinner and nightcap till your peen sheds peen juice tears. She’s sexual napalm of four kinds. (Thank you John Mayer)

It would be a world where the in love-ers (that’s a word right?!) are always excited to announce their most current fuckfriend boytoy STDDonor boyfriend/girlfriend. They enjoy telling tales of their love affair. But only the interesting tales, like how they looked into each other’s eyes without puking last night’s okro soup and eba. They never try to bore the world with the dirty details of their fuck times in the room his dads share or how she’s cultivating warts in her hooha region. Such fine human beings.

Think of a world where Naija celebrities #Imagine F-ilarious stories and decide to share with the world as a trending topic….very generous they are. Sad thing is, the little miniature devil spawn also known as Un-Followers, with no sense of humour never seem to appreciate their rare “wit”.

Imagine a world where you are greeted with a “HI!” or “good morning” everyday because you are cool. Your name is mentioned in a “roll call” amongst 45billion hundred million other cool people. How awesome is that?!

Most importantly, Twitter is a desirable land where you can be a twelebrity without having a sex-tape or screwing a corpse popularly known by morticians as Hugh Hefner. Just get enough bots people to bribe to subscribe to the shit you pull out of rectum follow you and you are on your way to stardom.  More points if you start getting “roll call-ed” with the real life celebrities. (Yes, I’m bitter. I have no human followers.)

Unfortunately, like unicorns, honest politicians and Pam Anderson without an STI, Twitter is only fantasy. We still have to drift back to real life when internet service providers feel like screwing with our “good shit”. Where we have no friends and the only name people know us as is “heyce” if we are lucky. I take it in good faith though because I know one day, someday I’ll be a twelebrity. I just need to beg more than 5 people to follow me (to only God knows where).

DISCLAIMER: The writer was dropped on the head a lot, as a child. If you feel you have been personally victimised in the above article, kindly bear this in mind. Take it with the proverbial pinch of salt. Or take the whole damn bag, if you like.

Lala

Lala

A couple of loose bolts. Swears like a drunken sailor. I tell it like I see it. Sometimes sweet, sometimes sour. Lover of break-up songs, chocolates, Amy Winehouse and twitter. Welcome to the Random Musings of a Peculiar Mind.

7 comments

  1. This tweet, oops, blogpost, oozes evil only characteristic of Lala. iLove! *Is this ass kissing? Oh never mind, u’re not a celebrity :op*

  2. Lmao @ Boogie – cos i was going to do the exact same thing as per the latter half of your comment. ilove, hilarious. they will all be fine

  3. Lala Geddammit get ur own blog asap! u got 1 follower to wherever ur going as long it wont involve dropping my child on his/her head a lot.

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