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To the dear reader of this article/post or whatever you want to call it note this conversation takes place behind a closed toilet door.

Voice:“Olodo oshi”
Action: Wipe
Voice: “Thunder will fire you. Tomiwa like you”
Action: Wipe
Voice: “Feeling like someone who can query someone”
Action: Wipe, drop and flush.

The above and the following are based on actual events and would definitely make you react in a certain way;
After reading this, some of you will leave a comment with your name, some will leave a comment with a fake name while some will comment as “Anonymous” but one thing is certain, we all have a name given to us by our family or to “you” by ‘you’.

God created man but he gave us the power to name one another and that explains why people also have the right to change their names to what they want or like.

You can name anything in life, people, dogs, cats, cars, vibrators, private body parts etc but for the purpose of this article, we would be discussing how to conduct a successful toilet tissue naming ceremony, and why it is important.

Unlike some other naming ceremonies, naming your toilet tissue takes place in the toilet with just you in attendance but then you may also decide to invite close friends.

For close to 4 years now I’ve made sure that all my toilet tissues are named and the after-effect is something I cannot describe in words or pictures.

The function of the toilet tissue varies but when it’s placed in the toilet it serves very little but highly important role. We use the toilet tissue to wipe… after using the toilet and you must agree with me that naming them makes them special.
I’ve named my toilet tissues after my bosses, colleagues, friends, public figures, musicians and (few) ex-girlfriends. Yes ex-girlfriends cos I have never had the joy of breaking up a relationship. They either left me or they were never with me.
Naming your toilet tissue is bliss.

The toilet tissue and human nature
Human nature is “special” and as a result people will always leave a bad taste in your mouth and some of these people are people you cannot fight or confront.
The only way to get back at these sets of people is by naming your tissues after them.
Just imagine using your ex girlfriend or boss to wipe your ass after using the toilet. Isn’t that fab?
To make it special, you can even bring some to work and if you work in the same room, offer to clean his computer or desk with the tissue every morning (insert evil smile).
Some women due to one reason or the other have used folded tissue as sanitary towel.
Now imagine, purposely folding your boss, lecturer, ex-boyfriend or what have you to act as a sanitary towel.
For greater fun you can decide to bury them after use.

Naming the toilet tissue puts you in charge. Period.
Some of these people are too far or high for you to physically reach them.
You need to equip yourself with such powers of using others as wipes and then flushing them down the pit after use.
I’ve not used cocaine before but I can assure you a certain level of “highness” with this act is close to the effects of using cocaine. 

Conducting a successful toilet tissue naming ceremony
Unlike other naming ceremonies, naming the toilet tissue does not require a lot.
When you purchase such a tissue, maltreat it badly.
Tie it up with a clean nylon bag to suffocate it and take it home in the trunk of your car.
Prepare a meal of vegetable and drinks loads of water to enable you put it to use at the absolute right time.
Remove it from the nylon and write the name of the victim across the top with a permanent marker.
Tissue is now ready for use.

In the case of a highly annoying person, stick a printed photo of the victim on the toilet seat cover. (This has been known to cause severe body odour for victims).

If I’ve helped you with this post, thank me now, If I’ve not, you will thank me later.

Now go and name your tissue.

Remain endowed. ☺

My current tissue is named RDM.

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!


  1. I'm definitely doing this; this by far is the best piece of advice I've received in these trying times! If only I had taught about this from the very beginning, I wouldn't have been in this confused, annoying state of mind. . . And YES, I've got dem people who will be wiping my ass very soon, in fact will start using them to take the mucus out my precious nostrils!

  2. Well, i knew you had it in you…first sensible thing you've written (no offense) – excellent idea definitely…

  3. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to name my tissue NOBLE CHIBUZOR IGWE. insert is a pix of u wit ur bald ball head.

  4. I wanted to comment that the author is pretty disturbed but seeing as the whole piece intrigued me, I guess I am equally perturbed!

  5. Hilarious!!! D only problem z dat a coupl of x boyfrnds may stumble on ds piece..hmmmmm
    Nways,I knw d name of my nxt Toilet Wipe

  6. Lol… Ofcourse, i ld name my toilet wipe immediately after this… Seeing as i have 2 names in mind sha, am gon’ do a mash up of both names… 😉 its ur best piece yet nobs. Thumbz up!

  7. great idea btw! i already know the names of my next 2 rolls of tissue.

    p.s: that is an ‘interesting’ color for tissue-paper…

  8. ….Damn, so hilarious,pretty serious…I mean d cool kinda hilarious….I got a kwestion though; doz dat don’t yuse tissue…how dem wan do now…???,lmao..
    Me likey…

  9. Buhahahahahahahahaha….. PERFECT!!! I so know d name of ma next tissue*evil grin*….. Glad I came here… Berra late dan Never… Thumbs Up Nobs!!!

  10. Rotflmao. My first tissue paper name has to be Wenger. Arsene Wenger. That man needs some shit on his face. Then d second person would have to be Mr Akpan Johnson. he needs some in his mouth.

  11. Oh wow, am I really the only one that thinks this is absolutely stupid and pointless? Eventhe style of writing *thumbs down*….

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