MEMOIRS OF A SLU…sshKID: WK5

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Read the rules before you start reading any further for the newcomers https://www.360nobs.com/2010/05/memoirs-of-a-slu%E2%80%A6shhkid-the-rules-to-read-by/ and to those who have been here before, here you go for week 5.

Thursday, 10th June 2010

Dear Diary,

Its actually going to be a drag writing  “Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid” this weekend cos its a mourning weekend for me.
Today we’ll bury my grand mum in Umuchu in Aguata LGA of Anamabra State.  Please if anyone ever gets to read this, please say a little prayer for my grand mum, Lady Lolo Rachael Emeghebo – RIP.

10.00am –Umuchu – Lying in State
I couldn’t get a space to park my car as the entire place was filled with people. She pulled loads of people from different parts of the world.  It’s a common thing for people to say “She/He was a good man” but here lies a woman who was very supportive of her children and grand children.

11.00am-Church Service
People were asked to go pay their last respect and after that the casket was covered.
The convoy/crowd moved to St Andrew’s Church, Umuchu for the service.
Service was short and very spiritual

12.07pm- Sir Justice Emehebo’s compound, Umuchu.
*Note: I almost stopped writing at this point but I had to for all you good people*

The convoy moved back to the house and the casket was then lowered into the grave for the internment.

I don’t know why but in most cases I only cry during the “earth to dust” rites especially when the first shovel of sand hits the casket. The sound drives home the news that person is gone for real and would soon be covered with mud.

My grand mum, now buried and would only be remembered by the things she did while she was alive.  My heart was broken and I doubt if I can truly write the way I felt at that very moment.

Please love your parents without holding back. Life as we see it is really nothing without love. Sometimes we rarely notice when our parents age, forgetting that they age with each birthday celebration.  Today, we notice one grey hair and after a while a couple follows and before we know it, we see them covered in white hair.  These people deserve more than post cards, text messages and phone call. They need us to visit and in some cases eat whatever is left of their dinner just like in the days of our childhood.

Plan a visit to your parents or invite them to visit. Don’t just stay back and wait for the call {Hello, Your father/mother is no more} because you’ll live the rest of your life wondering if you ever truly took care of them.

6.00pm –Umuomaku
I was sleeping when Chinedu the security guard started shouting….“Chibuzor! Chibuzor!! Chibuzor!!!

Nobs: Chinedu, Kedu ife obu?”
Chinedu: Onwere onye n’acho papa unu
Nobs: Onye?
Chinedu: O si n’afa ya bu Ada
Nobs: I’m coming

I went downstairs to the gate and what I saw shook the man in me.  She was dressed in a short dress that brought out all her curves and for a minute I forgot that I had planned to be celibate (Yes, i do have days like that, I am capable of such) for the weekend.

Ada: Hey, My name is Ada
Nobs: Noble Chibuzor Igwe
Ada: Nice to meet you
Nobs: Same here. Please come in
Ada: Thank you
Nobs: What can I offer you?
Ada: Nothing, I won’t be staying for long
Nobs: I insist, no one visits without having anything
Ada: Anything soft…
Nobs: My hands are soft; do you want them? Please be more specific.
Ada: Hahahahaha. Nice one. I’ll have a bottle of Fanta.
Nobs: Give me a minute
Ada: Erm please keep this for your dad. My dad asked me to bring it (She handed me a black nylon bag) I went in, got a bottle of  Fanta for her and a bottle of Coke for myself.
Nobs: So what do you do?
Ada: I’m in Unizik
Nobs: Really? What course
Ada: Yes..I’m in 2nd Year business management.
Nobs: Nice
Ada: I heard about your grand mother.  Ndo.  I would be going with you people for mgbaru tomorrow.
Nobs: Thanks. That would be fab.
Ada: I’ll have to take my leave now.
Nobs: Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow
Ada: I’m inviting you tomorrow for Akpu na Ofe Onugbu.
Nobs: What area is your house?
Ada: Okpebe.  Right opposite the rice mill
Nobs: Okay. I’ll come
Ada: Please don’t forget to deliver my father’s message to your dad.
Nobs: Consider it done, ‘Oremi’.
Ada: What is Oremi?
Nobs: It means my Wife in Yoruba
Ada: Who’s your wife? Come and see me off.

I walked her to the roundabout very close to the Catholic Church and I couldn’t get her off my mind. Bin that –I couldn’t get her shape off my mind.

My dad came back and immediately asked if Ada Okafor brought something to the house for him and at that point I knew that Ada’s visit to my house was planned by my dad and hers. I love match making, it provides you with the opportunity to be naughty and claim “not interested” afterwards.  Abi, are you not supposed to “know” her before deciding if you want to spend the rest of your life with her or not?

Friday, 11 June2 010-Umuchu

Dear Diary,

According to the tradition, this is the day my dad, his kindred and friends will visit my mum’s family for “Mgbaru ndi Ogo”.

12.30pm
On getting there, my mum came out to welcome us with her mum’s picture and we presented her family with our gift and things.

I was just chatting with my cousin when someone covered my eyes with her palms and asked me to “guess who?”

Nobs: Onye kwa?
Ada: Guess na
Nobs: Oluchukwu ?
Ada: O Oremi gi (she then removed her hands)
Nobs: Hahahahahaha Ada, Oremi. How na?
Ada: Odinma. I hope you are still coming to my house today?
Nobs: Sure thing.
Ada: Okay ooo. I’ve already prepared the Ofe Onugbu.
Nobs: I’ll be there.
Ada: See you later, Buzor.

I watched her walk away and believe me, everyMAN would like to watch her walk away anytime.

4.00pm –Umuomaku
I didn’t really want to go for my date but it would have been considered rude to turn down a date and not after she went out of her way to prepare a delicious meal of Ofe Onugbu and Akpu.  I casually dressed up in my pair of Rock & Republic Jeans, D&G Slippers and a 2010 Yellow Polo Ralph.  It was not difficult to locate her house, as it is located directly opposite the Umuomaku Rice Mill.  On getting to the entrance, the front door was open (see picture below) so I had to clap my hands for attention.

Nobs: Kpam kpam..
A voice: Onye Kwa?
Nobs: O mu ooo. Chibuzor Igwe
A voice: O nna bata ba

I went in and I saw Ada sitting with her Dad who was looking through some document.

Mr Okafor: Nna Kedu?
Nobs: Odimna, Sir
Mr Okafor: Papa unu kwanu?
Nobs: Odinma, Sir
Mr Okafor: Ngwa Adanwa, go and take care of your visitor.

Ada was looking fly in a pair of jean shorts and T-shirt. She took me round to introduce me to her family members.   She kept saying “Meet Oremi”.  After the introduction, we went to the their kitchen for an early dinner of Ofe Onugbu and Akpu. As a well-trained woman, she served me the meal on a blue cooler (see picture below) and knelt down to give me water to wash my hands.

I enjoyed the meal and afterwards, we took a stroll to their yam barn for some couple intimate moment.

Ada: Buzor, shebi you’ll stay back for us to watch the moon?
Nobs: That should be fun.
Ada: Erm, tell me, do you have a Lagos Oremi?
Nobs: As in Wife? No
Ada: Okay ooo.because I don’t want you to break my heart oo. The Lagos girls in my school are not homely at all.
Nobs: There’s no one in Lagos.
Ada: Okay..hold my hands as my “oremi”
Nobs: I don’t want to put you in trouble ooo. I don’t want your dad or mum walking in on us.
Ada: Don’t worry. They know we are here.

8.00pm
I spent the entire evening with Ada and her family. At some point we kissed and I could tell she was naïve even though she told me she was a Virgin and won’t mind making me her first.

I got home and I started thinking.

I really like Ada but maybe not enough to marry her. I know it’s still early to start thinking marriage but with my parents involved and things, I won’t be surprised if she shows up at my house in Lagos with a message from my dad.  She’s a great kid and getting married to her will be cheap cos I don’t have to provide transport for my people to her house.  She can cook and all but I’ve always wanted to marry from a rich home but getting married to Ada would cost me some money if not for anything, I may need to build a block house for them or we can have the traditional wedding at another place. I think I’m getting emotional over a plate of Akpu and Ofe onugbu.

I’ve decided to put Ada on my “To do list”.

Saturday June 12th, 2010- Umuomaku

Dear Diary

8.00am
I was informed that Ada was around so that we can go to “Iyi Akara” to fetch water for MY mum. (Talk about a girl that knows her game or has been taught well)

I hurriedly dressed up in my camouflage short and a T-shirt. Thought about packing a pack of CD but changed my mind cos such an occasion is best-witnessed SKIN.

We played all the way to the stream, stopped at almost every point for a kiss but I didn’t have the liver to DO IT in the bush.

We went to “Iyi Akara” together for about 6 times and my dad couldn’t stop saying, “Ada is a hardworking woman. The type of woman most men are searching for” and I kept answering, “seen”.

8.00pm-Umuomaku
Ada came to the house with “Oka na Ube” which she brought straight to my room. I was only in my boxers when she walked in.  I tried to resist the devil but I guess the devil is more powerful on Saturdays. I went for her, dragged her to the bed and before one could say “W.A.I.T”, All she had on her were on the floor. We kissed like it was going of fashion. We were at kissing and touching until she started saying “Take me now”,“ I want you now”, “Buzor, don’t make we wait any longer”.

You’ll agree with me that it would have been selfish to keep someone waiting especially when the person really needs whatever it is that you’ve got to offer.

Nobs: Are you sure you are ready for this?
Ada: Yes please
Nobs: Are you sure that I’m the right person?
Ada: Ooo Stop asking me these questions and start already.
Nobs: I hope this does not mean we will get married.
Ada: Chibuzor, I’m not a child, neither are you. You know our parents would wish for that but right now it does not matter. Do whatever you want.

You will agree with me that I tried to stop her but she was bent on it. I quickly rushed to my suitcase to get a condom and that was when we heard the knock…

Knock knock
Nobs: Who’s that?
Chinedu: O Chinedu
Nobs: O gini?
Chinedu: Papa gi si n’gi bia gbaye generator
Nobs: Tell him that I am coming.

That was the sign. I dressed up, went downstairs to put on the generator by the time I got back, Ada was already dressed but her hair was in a state. I tried kissing her again but she pushed me away.

Nobs: What’s the problem,Nne?

Ada: gawa gi

Nobs: What did I do wrong now? You were here when he told me that my dad wanted me to come put on the gen.

Ada: You were the one wasting time, asking me all those silly questions.

Nobs: I just wanted to be sure you knew what you were doing

Ada: Biko, come and see me off (under her breath)I’m right after all, I know I’m not your type of girl. One day we’ll have a breakthrough and our family would be respected once again.

Nobs: I really don’t know why you are saying all these

Ada: I’ve never offered my body to anyone, yet I offered myself to you even though we only just met.

Nobs: I’ll just see you off before you say more.

Ada: Yes! Please do just that. Let me go to the place that I am wanted.

Nobs: You are going to see another man?

Ada: I’m going home, biko. Man gbakwa oku!

Nobs: Can we talk?

Ada: No can do

I dropped her at home and went home very sad.

Sunday, June 13th 2010

Dear Diary,

10.00am
I’ll be leaving Umuomaku today but I would love to make up with Ada before I travel.

10.30-Umuomaku
I went to Ada’s house and I was informed that she went for her church service.
I dropped my phone number and house address.

1.10pm-Owerri
Stopped at Cruchies Owerri with my sis for lunch.

2.00-4.00pm-Sam Mbakwe, Owerri.
My flight was delayed and all I did was write, write and more writing.

5.20pm-Lagos
Stopped over at SWE and afterwards went home to sleep.

Shout out to Somycha, Danda, Nma, Ada, Nnenne and every other person in between.

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!

44 comments

  1. Nice one about spending quality time with parents and appreciating ’em more.
    Oremi – My friend in Yoruba.
    *Now pointing finger and laughing* So you can gawk too, you are human like the rest of us! Ha!!
    Great post as usual.
    #NEXT

  2. awwwww, i loved every bit of this!! maybe the interruption was good, u can save it for ur wedding day!!, lol am serious u should totally marry her, i mean that onugbu soup looked mouth-watering, lol….

  3. Omo meeeen! This guy!!! U will NOT kill me… Thank God there was an interruption sha…that girl wud have followed you to Lagos if there wasnt! Nd we readers are sure you would not want that! LMAO!

  4. Aww thats cute. Cant believe you put my namesake on the to-do list. Thank goodness for that interruption then.

    Sorry about your grand-ma btw.

  5. Lol… Sorry abt ur grandma *inserts prayer here* …just realized my dad was at d burial.. Ur use of Igbo language is coool… Marry Ada. That soup looks fab..

  6. Guy, don’t even think about doing her…Ever heard bout the virgin clause???In any case, she might give your parents the impression that you dig her(which I hope you don’t) and in the event that you settle down, how the heck am I gonna get thru my Monday meetings without your blog????

  7. Sorry bout ur grandma, may her soul rest forever with the Lord. Amen. This post got me really laughing, man. Loved it!!! That’s how ofe onugbu almost got u married o, Noble. I also think ur dad’ll send Ada to Lagos with a message for you. Be prepared! LOL

  8. may your grandma soul rest in perfect peace

    i know say na Umuomaku ur babe dey so am not surprised at ds Ada story

  9. Excuse…nobs u want to marry from a rich family..no offense but wtf…can i say gold-digging..good luck with finding a rich family that will give thier daughter to you.

  10. your “things fall apart” type story got me in stitches.
    well done mehn…u took me from being very emotional at the beginning to rotflmao at the end. remember to invite us for the wine-carrying when u and Ada get married.
    p.s: Slim missed you this weekend.

  11. i cant believe u guys r buying this crap. For crying out load i knw this guy n 80% of this gist is made up. haba nobs, i knw u gat to write something but pls make it real, ur last post was more like it. see u at Umuomaku nxt weekend n dont worry, i wud give u something to write about. duh…

  12. @ ENE – I want to align to your thought. I think the story na cowwect dodo. Just my thot.

    A nice publication though, I like the “Private naked party” story. There was a connection in that piece.

    Enjoy the week though.

  13. Ok so I had chills the first half and was LMAO the second half! You are an absolute riot! Your mind is a very scary place!!

    Sorry for your loss and I agree that we should let our parents know how much they mean to us, not just by saying it but show it.

    I think you should write plays, or even a movie script! Lord know you made sense and held my attention from the first line.

    P.S. Can the non-igbotic audience get a translation please when you decide to break it down? LOL
    As a Yoruba woman, Id appreciate you getting your Yoruba in check! Ore mi means my friend and Iyawo mi means my wife! Don’t get it twisted! LMAO

    1. Thank you for the kind words.
      Ofcus i know that “Oremi” mean “my friend”.
      I said it and she liked it so i didn’t bother correcting her.
      I’ll consider the play writing bit.
      Please carefully go through the site.
      I’ll translate next time for my non-igbo speaking friends

  14. Nice one… Parents are “the bestest”, especially mine… Just wish i had d opportunity 2 tell that 2 my Dad *sad face*. Nways will remind my mum how much she is appreciated… “My Oremi” haba Noble… Thank G0D 4 dat knock… May the soul of my Dad, ur grandmother and souls of all the faithful departed rest in peace. Amen… I concur, u should consider script writing… Despite d mourning you still had fun…

  15. noble igwe u r my hero……am to tired to praise u…please o i want to do INDUSTRIAL TRAINING IN UR OFFICE O…

  16. hmmmm, a first for me but this was nice nobs cool. Now to the story, Ada would have had a taste of Lagos Love but then again it was better you were interrupted , you dont need home drama, chicks in Lagos have enough of that lol

  17. Dont think Ada is a virgin. Another lovely weekend for you and may the soul of your grand mother rest in perfect peace. Amen

  18. So so sorry bout granny!, hopes she rests in peace. I cant really tell from what i see here (from the photos), that akpu was it snaped after or before the meal? and If you dont really want hear attacks with women, i’lld advice you put Ada’s name as “top priority” on the “to do” list

  19. Awww, may your grandma’s soul rest in peace…

    Thank God for the interruption o! And like another reader rightly said, she would have followed you to Lagos if you had not stopped!

    Won’t you start translating the igbo bits for your non-igbo readers????

  20. OMG Noble>>my Mums from Umuchu (ndi be Onyekaba) and ma Dads from Achina (ndi be Nwabasili).and i kno Umuomaku very well,d new tarred road down frm Nkwo Umuchu, its a small world most esp when ur Ibo…Awww Apologies for ur Loss!…Saw u & Olams @Rehab Friday, dat nu VVIP ws tew Madd>> hic!
    Cheers!

    1. @ N6BITCH,
      It actually a small world.
      Sheet.I usually go to Orie Achina every Christmas.
      One of these days,i’ll invite you to Umuomaku.
      You just went up my list
      I saw you too,bruv

  21. @ Ene and Ha BadMAN: So what if the post is “dodo” or “crap” as you so kindly put it? You at least read it! That must count for something. We are all adults…..this is Cyberspace……..and *read-my-lips* the 21st century. And we are in Nigeria, not some communist country where you do only as you are told. If reading this blog does not please you, leave it to those of us that like Dodo. I actually love plantain…boiled…fried….roasted….anyway! But moreso, cos it reminds me of a particular very interesting part of the male antomy *winksss*

  22. I need to come up with new and interesting stories regularly so people will notice me & not forget about my blog. Though most of the stories are made up & pure fiction, there are people who totally believe them which is the important thing cos the aim of this blog is popularity and money….lol.

    I never learnt to respect women so I dont want anyone telling me to respect them cos they are all the same & I can sleep with any one of them; slim, shirls, ada, biola, ivory….anyone i want, anytime……girls, always willing……

    more free women…..more…..more (pls the younger the better, no old keles abeg….16yrs-25yrs only….sweet…)
    you can call me pervert, anything you want….I dont care….

  23. Wt hv I bin finkn skipn dz memoirs. GOD! Ds guy u dey madt. U def hd me in stitches, cudnt laugh enough. Will def gv u a very mad hug d nxt tym I c u. Ur great at e joo, dnt mind all d pple who r beefn u. Weda dodo or nt, u rock!!! Rewind,…. U ROCK!!!

  24. Lmao @ doing ur trado in another place. that was hilarious. u r funny tho and have a nice wordplay especially with the ur hands are soft phrase. Good one!

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