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To our most important reader YOU, yes YOU, do you know the rules of reading this so called MEMOIRS OF A SLU..shhKid? If yes, please move on to the line that starts with Friday within this post, Thank you for thanking us….you’re faaaar too Kind.  And If YOU have never been here before, still a virgin to Memoirs then you need the rules right here….

Friday, June 18th 2010

Dear Diary,

5.00am – Home
…you know that I hate to wake up this early but what I don’t understand is waking up with an erection.  I’ve heard different stories and theories surrounding waking up with an erection but I strongly believe that ‘Agro’ is the main reason for such a make-sure-you-satisfy-me animal behaviour.

I know a lot some of you maybe wondering what ‘Agro’ means. Different schools of thought have tried to define ‘Agro’ but the most apt definition of  ‘Agro’ was by Professor Oladele (2009) who simply defined ‘Agro’ as a BASTARD.  ‘Agro’ has been found to be responsible for a lot of “Oga-housemaid relationships”,  Madam-Driver relationships”, “Unprotected sex”, “Indecent wanking” amongst others but can be controlled with “Our Lord’s Prayer”.

I prayed and I was able to overcome ‘Agro’ that morning.

Advice: If Agro attacks you, pray and it will go but if it’s a serious attack of Agro and a lil “conji” then call a friend.

2.00pm – At work
It was the middle of the day.  In between arranging for a ‘kele’ and planning the night out with my boys my phone rang

Nobs: Hello
Caller: Buzor, is that you?
Nobs: Yes, erm Ada?
Ada: Yes, Why haven’t you call me?
Nobs: How na? You know you never gave me your number.  I hope you are good.
Ada: Biko hapu’m.  I’m angry with you
Nobs: What did I do?
Ada: You made me angry and you forgot that today is our anniversary.
Nobs: Huh?
Ada: Yes,We started dating a week today. Now tell me “Happy Anniversary”
Nobs: Happy Anniversary
Ada: I wish you the same
Nobs: Erm, I’m at work, so I may have to call you later.
Ada: Okay but I want to ask you something later
Nobs: I hope there’s no problem?
Ada: None.  Can I ask now?
Nobs: Yes, my dear
Ada: can you send me money to come to Lagos
Nobs: Jisos is lord
Ada: What?
Nobs: Nothing,  Nne
Ada: Okay, is that a yes?
Nobs: It’s something we have to discuss after work
Ada: Make sure you call ooo.  I even called Mama today
Nobs: Your mum? did she travel
Ada: No, I’m talking about your mum
Nobs: Oh okay.  I have to go
Ada: Make sure you call me oooooo, in short I will call you sef

For a straight 5 minutes, I was confused and didn’t know what to do or say.  Yes I like Ada but isn’t having her in my house in Lagos a lil bit dangerous? Believe me this has got nothing to do with not trusting myself. I trust myself but I can’t really say same about a certain part of me.

This is my first time of being in a relationship without knowing when I started it.

So every Friday is an anniversary? Chai, uwa wu pawpaw men!!!

I was chatting with my ‘kele’ date for the evening when it happened.  My phone went blank, tried to start up again but instead of starting up the damn phone was displaying an “hour glass” for me. I took out and replaced the battery 46 times and it still refused to come on.  Dude, I couldn’t think straight for the rest of the evening. W-H-A-T? 563 BBM contacts, 6 email accounts and countless phone numbers. I built that contact over years and it all “hour glassed” into the drain in less than one minute. I’m yet to get over the experience. Still mourning my BB.

I left the office at about 9pm, got home to meet my sister with O, C and T all dressed waiting for me. 4 ladies and just me? D’banj has got nothing on me.

I showered called Olams, he showed later with Banks about 12.12am and we headed out to Getz to support Tuface.  Left Getz for Rehab about 1am and on getting to Rehab they were opening another VIP area. Like really?

I love Lagos, you open a club, barricade a corner as the VIP Area, where boys will fight, beg or tip to enter then after some months convert another space to VVIP.

How many of you remember Bacchus, which later opened “6degrees north” and also went further to launch “All road leads to”?

The new VVIP at Rehab was bunnnns and I had a lil bit above too much to drink.

Left Rehab for Aura, got home around 4am, slept in between O and C.

I swear someone was touching at some point but I was too weak or it was too sweet to stop the person.

Saturday, June 19th 2010

Dear Diary,

I woke up for breakfast and went back to bed.

I woke for lunch and went back to bed.

I woke up for dinner and went back to bed.

Yes, I was pissed with my phone; with my dealer not bringing another phone as discussed but then I had one full day of total rest with no BBMing  (maybe saying this will make me feel better).  Tried so much to sleep but it wouldn’t come.

I couldn’t sleep so I called (have a temporary Nokia phone block from my cousin) a friend of mine who got into town to find out where she was and she asked me to come see her at Rehab.

I got to Rehab and it was packed. I may be wrong but I think there’s something they are doing right. I saw almost everybody I saw the day before.

The highlight of the night was the girl in the tank top with two pimples in places where other girls carry watermelon. I like her boldness and as a result, I want to help her by calling MTV to “Pimp her chest”.

Left Rehab about 4am, got home and slept.

Sunday, June 20th 2010

Dear Diary,

Humble diary, please make today a better day.

It’s been raining since last night and with my phone-fucked bad there was no one to chat with or tweets to post or read, emails to respond to…….ok back into a depressed no phone mode. 🙁

Called Slim and we agreed to meet at Chocolate Factory for 2pm. It’s been a while cos slim has been reading for school.
I got a call from my friend of last night to meet her at Eko Hotel for a quick brunch.

Hooked up with Slim at MK on Ajose Adeogun after keeping her for one hour. She came in her black SUV looking all fly behind the wheel. There’s something cute about skinny slim chics pushing heavy trucks. I almost asked her if she likes HEAVY things but I remembered that Jesus rested on the 7th day, so I decided to keep it holy.

We went to Getz Arena for Sexy et Fabuluex to support Ms F. Saw loads of pant and bra on sale. Imagined how some will look on some people, and got too many ideas.

Slim, D and I headed over to some other Market sale at Ramond Njoku and then back at Getz Arena to see S.

Went to SWE for karaoke, ate asun, drank coke and called it a night by singing “Big boy” by eLDee ft Banky W & OluMaintain.

Got home and that was when my gateman said

“Oga, somebody dey look for you she dey up with Chidinma.”

I went up, guess who I saw sitting down in the living room?

Come back for more next week.

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!


  1. LNGKMD……the player has been played, dude you are as good as married, Ada’s calling your mum “mama” good thing you didn’t go all the way palmwine carrying would have been done in your absence.

  2. this is more like it. Ada is so staying behind, its high tym u settled. i pity her shaa cos she knws not wot she is putting her head into.

  3. Hahahahaha A beg I kent shout and to think I was asking after Ada when I saw you at Swe, not knowing she had even arrived at yours. Ada don hammer, as a big boy na

  4. lol….i love this Ada Chick!….she knows her game, i just wished she was using it on a good guy…not to say you are not good, but lets be real you are a player…just saying!…i wish her luck on this long journey

  5. OMG i hate cliff hangers!…wow this Ada chick is impressing me, i really love her guts…gosh if only she knew what she was getting herself into…she will probably run for her dear life..Ada my sister find another man dear

  6. Nobs! Nobs! Nobs! LWKMD!!!! Got to be honest, I was up studying till early this morning and doing vigil on your blog page hoping that with the 5 hour time difference this week’s memoirs would be up before I passed out from fatigue. It wasn’t, but it was one of my first stops when I got back on my PC this morning. Not as raunchy as previous weeks (thankfully!) but no less entertaining.

    Happy Anniversary by the way.

  7. Hahahahaha, gotta love the chick that is taking the kingdom of Noble by force. Meanwhile don’t u back up ur bb? at least your files and contacts would be safe till u get a new one.

  8. hmm nwannem nwoke….ur memoirs di bad….if its not ada ehnn id kehl u next week… me like ADA dat gal knows wats up…

  9. You may need a restraining order against this Ada if she did in fact show up like that…thats some scary stuff!

    On another note, I honestly don’t know how you find the energy to club hop and smash chicks and blog and have a full time job and maintain your sanity! Da hell?

    I beg Naija folks dont yab me o but I’ve got a few questions….

    #1 Question: is admittance free for all these spots you visit multiple times a week?

    #2 Question: I’m assuming there is alcohol involved….is that free too?

    #3 Question: I’ll also assume Kele, Slim, Ada OC and the likes will drink too…is that on your tab?

    #4 What would you say is a reasonable weekly allowance for Flenjuring(SP)?

    LMAO! You are trip! As usual…3 snaps!!

  10. what is conji, loved every bit of it, what r u going to do with that Ada babe….. or who dey for up with Chidinma?

  11. Hey Noble,

    I like what you are doing here.Nice 1
    My name is Bonnie,I’m 24yrs old and i’ll be arriving Lagos this weekend.
    I want to find out two things;
    1.How true your diary is
    2.How much of me that you can handle.

    I won’t ask for your number cos i’ll get it regardless.*wink*

    Welcome to my world

  12. Bonnie, you go girl (at least i hope u r a girl). You can be wife number two. that should spice things up.

  13. Bia Noble listen I swear if this cliff hanger is not worth it by Monday I will get on the next flight out of Houston & when I reach Lagos I will personally jack you up. I’m waiting for u. Just make u try me.

  14. Oh snap! Oh snap! Of course, it’s the delectable Ada! Girl be playing her cards right, mehn! Before you know it, my guy Noble’ll be inviting us to his Igba-Nkwu. Lol!

  15. I need to come up with new and interesting stories regularly so people will notice me & not forget about my blog. Though most of the stories are made up & pure fiction, there are people who totally believe them which is the important thing cos the aim of this blog is popularity and money….lol.

    I never learnt to respect women so I dont want anyone telling me to respect them cos they are all the same & I can sleep with any one of them; slim, shirls, ada, biola, ivory….anyone i want, anytime……girls, always willing……

    more free women…..more…..more (pls the younger the better, no old keles abeg….16yrs-25yrs only….sweet…)
    you can call me pervert, anything you want….I dont care….

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