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Dear faithful reader, welcome to the 4th installment of the Memoirs of a SLU…shhKid.  For the newbees pls ensure you read the rules here and for old comers if you find yourself judging go back to the same link to referesh yourself on the rules.

Friday, 04 June 2010

Dear Diary

5.00am: Shebi, you know it should be considered a sin for someone to wake up this early in the day, NO?
I had to wake up very early to get my sister from the airport and I got to the office before the cleaners. One good thing about getting to the office before every other person is that you can sleep and fart in the office without an explanation to anybody.

7.00pm: Got to the Island, called Slim to say “hi”and she asked me to stop over briefly at her office. Slim came out looking all fly and things. Her gown matched her Nike. We chatted about stuffs and while I was walking her back to her office, I think she read my mind cos she turned and said;
“If you touch me in any inappropriate place, I’ll smack your nose inwards”

“Dear Slim, I wasn’t planning on touching you in any inappropriate place but then I still don’t see any reason why an entire body of a grown man should be blamed or punished for an offence committed by just his hands”
This is me paying you a compliment, Slim.

8.40pm: Got a call from Uncle to meet him up at Bungalows before 9pm for boys talk. Got to Bungs at about 9.10pm and as expected Uncle didn’t show up until about 10pm. We ate, gisted and headed out to De Marquee for drinks.

1.00am: De Marquee was all that NOT apart from 3 fat endowed chics who came to “gym” and from their Atilogu dance steps one could tell their state of Origin. After about one hour at Marquee, I concluded that nothing was going to make the night “pop”.
Time to go home…
Got to my car and there was a car blocking mine. I remembered telling the security guards not to allow anybody block me. Slow night, slow Security men and a very slow car. That was my thought until she came down.

Car Owner: So sorry, I hope you’ve not been waiting for too long.

Nobs: With a face and body like yours, I can wait down here for one week.

Car Owner: Flattery will get you nowhere.

Nobs: As far as it gets me this close to you.

Car Owner: Hmmmm, that was smooth. So how many people have you used that line on?

Nobs: One, You!

Car Owner: The name is Biola and you are? (Extending hand)

Nobs: Noble, Noble Igwe. My friends call me Nobs

Biola: So what does Nobs do for a living apart from flattering ladies?

Nobs: Advertising but I can quit to work for you and you don’t need to pay with cash.

Biola: Bobo yi o serious o. So can I go ahead and move the car (Reaching for her car key inside her clutch).

Nobs: I’m no longer in a hurry, are you?

Biola: I left my friend upstairs alone.

Nobs: He can wait.

Biola: Wrong. A“she”

Nobs: I’m sure she won’t mind.

Biola: (getting into her car) We can go back upstairs together that is, if you really don’t have to go now.
(She reversed and I pulled out, she then parked in my former space)

Nobs: I would have loved to but Marquee is dry tonight.

Biola: So where is it happening tonight?

Nobs: Home

Biola: Where’s home?

Nobs: Lekki Phase 1,You?

Biola: I live in Gbagada but I’ve got friends in Lekki Phase 1.

Nobs: Seen. Just in case it starts raining or Gbagada seems a lil too far, just remember that you’ve got an additional friend in Lekki 1.

Biola: Noted. I guess we’ll see some other time. It was nice meeting you. My phone number is 080371714***

Nobs: Nah. Forget your number, what ‘s your blackberry pin?

Biola: 21B1E1**, add me then

Nobs: Right away. Number by the way is 0803702632*

Biola: Ok, chat with you later (Extends hand for handshake).

Nobs: In my village, we hug ladies (Went for a full front hug).

Biola: Have a good night

Nobs: Catch ya on BBM.

Wow. You know what they say about “Never say never”. It wasn’t a bad night after all. New Pin=New kele.

3.01am: The sound of my phone ringing woke me from sleep and on the screen was “Biola Marquee”

Nobs: Yo, Warrido?

Biola: Where are you? I’m fucked. My car wouldn’t start oooo. Please can you come?

Nobs: Sure. Where are you?

Biola: Same spot.

Nobs: On my way. Give me 10.

I got to the Roden hospital car park and we tried starting the car but it wouldn’t start. I called Charles my mechanic to come check it out first thing tomorrow morning and I then turned to Biola.

Nobs: Where’s your friend?

Biola: She’s gone. She left with her boyfriend. Her battery is flat.

Nobs: Oh seen. So what’s your plan?

Biola: I don’t know. I’m too confused to think now.

Nobs: Why don’t we head over to my place and tomorrow morning Charles will bring your car to mine for you to go home? Secondly, my sister is around but then you can send my contact to your family just in case you are scared something might happen to you.

Biola: Okay, I’ll go with you as far as you promise not to go funny.

Nobs: Babe, I’m too cream to go funny.
We locked her car and drove straight to mine. At my house, I gave her a big Tee Shirt (specially kept for such an occasion – One size fits all).

4.50am: Biola woke me to say that the AC was too cold for her. I asked to lean in so that I can hold her. She did. I held her for about 5 minutes while stroking her arm. After a few minutes I decided to try one of the oldest tricks in the book. I cupped her left breast, she didn’t stop me and after a while, a lil moan escaped her lips. That was the sign I was looking for. I instantly turned her over and planted a full kiss on her lips to which she responded.
Blame no one. The room was cold and body no be wood.

Saturday, June 6 2010

Dear Diary

7.00am: Woke up to give Charles Biola’s car key and transport money to Mega plaza.

11.00am: I had a nice time last night cum early hours of today. I looked beside me and Biola was still sleeping with part of her fresh thighs showing beneath the tee shirt. It was a wild morning and this is why I like adult life. The mind and the body does not necessarily have to agree as long as the body gets satisfied.

Charles brought Biola’s car around 1pm.

2.00pm: I got a call from Slim to meet her up at Cactus for lunch. I told Biola that I had to go for a business meeting.
On my way to Cactus while drive-twitting, I missed the red light and I was flagged down by a LASMA official.

LASTMA Official: Oga, Good afternoon

Nobs: Is there any problem?

LATSMA Official: Oga, you go through red light.

Nobs: Me? I didn’t see the Red light stop me.

LASTMA Official: Oga, the light stopped you and you didn’t stop. Please wind your glass down.

Nobs: Wind down for what?

LASTMA Official: Wind down so make we dey hear each other well.

Nobs: We’ve been talking for a while and I heard every single you’ve said.

LASTMA Official: You want to be stubborn, abi?

Nobs: We can hear each other na. Moreover I suspect BO here

LASTMA Official: Who be BO wey you dey suspect?

Nobs: Never mind, Sir

LASTMA Official: So what should we do now? Oga you are just behaving anyhow.

Nobs: Oga, I’m late for a meeting. Just let me go and I’ll see you on my way back. Here’s my card (I handed him the closest business card to me from a guy that comes to clean my house*insert evil grin*) please call me later in the evening or you can come to that address after or before work tomorrow.

LASTMA official: Okay Oga.I’ll come 12oclock tomorrow.

Nobs: Eku ise sir (translation- well done).

I drove to Cactus, met Slim for lunch and afterwards we headed to Yaba for some Koko Lounge moment.

8.00pm: Came back to the Island stopped over at the KFC at the Palms for dinner with D, Funks and Ade.

12.35am: Group club hoping with Slim, D, Funks, Obinna, Cha, Bims, Ade and J.

2.00am: The fight

Sunday, June 6th 2010

Dear Diary

10.00am: Last night was not so good please make today better.

I stayed home today and was bent on keeping the day holy until I got this messages around 6pm

MsSexy: Mr Igwe

Nobz: Warrido?

MsSexy: It’s raining here

Nobz: On the Island too

MsSexy: I’m wet and horny. What do u suggest?

I’m yet to answer her…….

Special shout out to the usual suspects and every other person in between.

Be back next week Monday (and absolutely everyday in-between for the other articles/posts on the website) for more from the Memoirs of a SLU…shhKid.

Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!


  1. Bros, your puff daddy ways don dey dwindle….up ya game na, last weeks article was waaay interesting…….abi u wan claim dulling weekend ni?

  2. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading this Nobs! Good job for helping “stranded Biola” out, afterall.. You are the “good samaritan” of our time! Lol.. Keep ’em coming oremi.. Very entertaining. Well done!

  3. actually this week was so way better ….last week was vulgar and i felt like moving to naija just to preach the gospel to you…pls don’t be to wild o it does not pay….anyways good write up!!!

  4. Every Monday, I come here with a promise not to laugh but I end up lolEST. The line new pin =new kele got me cracking up. May Jesus deliver u Noble

  5. U’re leaving gist out na. Dont keep us hanging. What is “the fight”? i smell gist…. And God bless u for not leaving poor Biola stranded. Humanitarian l’omo. LOLZ

  6. i actually had a smile on my face while reading this and chucked at some point. i love that you handed the LASTMA chap a fake card…and flattery did get you somewhere with “stranded Biola”.

  7. Noble igwe u r officially my hero…I enjoy ur expliots weekly…I want to do IT in your office o…hook a nigga up o…

  8. Lol… More believable than last week’s. Kudo’s… Btw, Wth is ‘the fight’? abeg, tell it all or dnt tell at all… Thenx.

    @dodo no, u ddnt make that request …in invisible ink. :p

  9. @Nobs…
    A bit of proof-reading would not be bad o! Cos ur diary is starting to look like Nollywood movie!As in na only one traffic light dey btw Phase 1 and 1G4 and na Catcus front gangan e dey so HOW u take run the red light when u suppose turn to ya right n not run the light!
    Get your stories straight jare!

    Nice article though!

    1. @Da Injurer,
      Please go and check.
      The traffic light is before Cactus,Just before you turn right.
      This is a diary and not a story book.
      please go and read the rules
      I do the typing weekend and i don’t really care about typos or what have you.
      It’s all about the good,the bad,the dry and wet weekends.

  10. please answer da injurer oh cos dis ur stories are beginning to hv fiction all over them………I’m a bit curious as to where u beat this traffic light when U whr meant to be turning right into cactus..haba nobs????

    1. @ Vhktor
      i said “On my way to Cactus while drive-twitting, I missed the red light and I was flagged down by a LASMA official.”
      The light is before Cactus and yes i was stopped just by the gate.
      Do you want me to include a pic?

  11. Even if u run outta stories, no wahala…u tried jare. At least u kept us entertaind(for a while :)). That LASMA story was hilarious!!!!

  12. ok so I noticed your phone’s caller id showed her name? Abiola that is, now from what I read I was under the impression you did not get her number!!!



  13. I need to come up with new and interesting stories regularly so people will notice me & not forget about my blog. Though most of the stories are made up & pure fiction, there are people who totally believe them which is the important thing cos the aim of this blog is popularity and money….lol.

    I never learnt to respect women so I dont want anyone telling me to respect them cos they are all the same & I can sleep with any one of them; slim, shirls, ada, biola, ivory….anyone i want, anytime……girls, always willing……

    more free women…..more…..more (pls the younger the better, no old keles abeg….16yrs-25yrs only….sweet…)
    you can call me pervert, anything you want….I dont care….

  14. interesting…….. i wonder what juicy things we missed out on before u starting dis blog!!!!! i have a lot of weeks to cover……(*_*)

  15. But why in the world would you be driving and tweeting and proud to announce it? Meanwhile, stop making urself look like an ashewo 10 kobo!

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