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Dear kAmber Rose,

They say “a problem shared, it’s a problem half solved” and because of that I’ve decided to make this issue public to see if someone out there would be willing to help me get in touch with you.

I can’t remember the first time I saw a picture of you, not that I do not want to remember but because I lost every sense of reasoning and soiled my boxers.

Who made you? If it’s God then there must be two Gods. One God who handles the creation of beautiful people and another who “molds” the-not-so-pretty-ones.

kAmber, you’re so fine you should come with a Federal Government Health warning-“Open totally at your risk”.

February 10th was my birthday until I met you(virtually for now of course), now I’ve moved my birthday to the 21st of October so that we can share the same birthday date and maybe sometime in the near future we can have a double combo kinda celebration.  Jeeeeeeeezzz, I can’t wait.

In February 2009, you broke my heart by dating Kanye.  I totally agree that he used the home advantage considering the fact that I reside in Nigeria.  If not that people will say that I’m hating I would have told you certain people think Kanye is cocky  but then what will I gain by knocking another man’s hustle but then I will gain you, No?

kAmber, I can’t wait any longer. You need to leave him and date an “Igwe” somebody.  I’m Royalty, and over here in Nigeria, it’s a big deal.  What you saw in Eddie Murphy’s “Coming to America” is nothing compared to what I enjoy in Umuomaku which is the capital of Africa.  Yeah, same Africa that Kanye visited even though it was Nigeria.  The “Igwes” are very much respected in Africa and that is why most movies from Nigeria always have the rich people playing  the role of an “Igwe” because every rich person wants to be like my family.  The maids wake us up with a BJ, we brush our mouth with Ciroc and we go to the farm in LVs. We are huge in every sense of it.

I call you kAmber from “Ka’m mbanye” which means “the pretty one” even though some Igbo speaking people may disagree but then that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Pictures of you adorn my walls with a huge one in the bathroom cos I don’t like letting you out of my sight even though my family complain that I usually spend longer hours in the bathroom with no sound of water hitting the bathtub in the first 20 minutes………Dieeeeeeeee Haters!!!!!

Please tell Kanye to stop talking about things that can swallow up a G-string cos I don’t intend to have you wear one in the house and no one kukuma asked him in the first place.

I’ll be stopping here, hoping that someone that knows someone that knows someone that knows you will pass my message across to you.

Please add me on your BBM so we can “PING” My pin is 25559869 or Facebook so we can “POKE” each other.

Your secret lover,


Noble Igwe

Noble Igwe

Nobs is a SLU…shh trust fund kid who works just to exercise his body and mind. He’s “Unruly” but as calm as the “ABE” boys. Referred to as FYI (Fly, Young and Igbo) by his friends, Nobs says iT tHe wAy iT iS. Follow him on Twitter @nobsdaslushhkid Enough of the English language……..My name is Noble Igwe,go figure!


  1. I call you kAmber from “Ka’m mbanye” which means “the pretty one” …………….. Hahahahahahahaha Noble haf kill me o. Nna u r fool for this one.

  2. LMAO!!! “Ka'm mbanye” ooooooo… “the pretty one”. “…and no one kukuma asked him in the first place” <— This made me laugh too. NICE!!!

  3. My fav part of da letter…'' I call you kAmber from “Ka’m mbanye” which means “the pretty one” even though some Igbo speaking people may disagree but then that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.'' Omg!! Nobs…where did this come from?? I can't stop laughiiiiiiing!!!

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