This is now week 2 of the Memoirs of a SLU…shhKID. I bet you’ve been salivating to read what happened last weekend, well, here it is for your reading enjoyment. Again, make sure you read the rules oooooo, no talk say i no warn una. For those of you new to this, here it is again (https://www.360nobs.com/2010/05/memoirs-of-a-slu%E2%80%A6shhkid-the-rules-to-read-by/)and for those of you who are not new, abeg read on….
FRIDAY, May 21st 2010
7.00am: The boys are leaving for Abuja later today but I’m not so sure if I’ll make it but I’ve promised myself that I would do something positive today that will change the society.
Today, I’ll write a letter to that my friend with BO since everybody is finding it so difficult to tell him or should I just BB him?
2.00pm: I think I’ve lost a friend or is there anything wrong with this mail?
I really don’t know how to start this but if we are friends then I shouldn’t be lying to you. I’ve lied to you at several times that I don’t think I’m worthy to be called your friend.
George, I lied to you when I said I didn’t know why Linda dumped you after dating you for only two days. She told me but made me promise not to tell you but now that a lot people are threatening to quit hanging out with you I guess I might as well open up to you.
Linda left you because she thought you have body odour. I cannot say you have body odour but the smell that comes out of your body smells like body odour. I mean it smells funky and not so good. Linda said your house smells like the paint was mixed with the odour cos every part of your house smells like that including your keys.
George, Please do not take offencse by this note and remember that I’m here to assist you.”
I tried to BB later but realised he was no longer my friend on BB and wouldn’t take my calls. He took me off his contact
Notetoself: Going forward, I’ll not try to save humanity by being open with anyone suffering from a case of BO.
7.00pm: Slim invited me to yet another market sale at Ember Creek on Awolowo road but failed to tell me that her mum would be there or did she?
Anyways, I walked into the venue and there she was looking all fly with her another woman sitting beside her.
Nobs: Good Evening, Ma.
Slim’s mum: How are you, dear
Nobs: Fine Ma
Slim: Mum, this is my friend that I have been waiting for. Noble meet my mum
Slim’s Mum: Nice to meet you
Nobs: Me too, Ma (In my mind, sheeeeeet is she going to ask me….. “So what is your relationship with my daughter and who is your father?”)
We walked to the bar, got some drink and went round to check things out. I saw a shirt I liked; Slim said she was going to get it for me on Sat.
We gisted for a while (even though I kept looking at the her mum from the time to time while avoiding body contact with Slim) and I later walked Mummy and daughter to their car before leaving.
1.00am @Tribeca: I stopped over to support Tuface Idibia and there I saw the chic that will make you think that Wande Coal is an Albino. She was dressed in red and her boobs were suffocating her, infact she was an African incredible hulk and i shit you not, she must have used a tub of petroleum vaseline to rub her body as the lights were bouncing of her skin……….chai, kai, infact…..tufiakwa!!!!!!!!!!!. Anybody can jump out of an aircraft with her bra and land safely. I can’t speak for another person but for me she got more views thatn Tuface that night.
Got home and decided to see a movie. I watched “Dear John” and cried myself to sleep. Yes, real men cry for movies too.
SATURDAY, May 22nd 2010
11.00am: I woke up, had a plate of noodles and headed to Koko Lounge for a meeting. I got a call from Slim to meet her up at Ember Creek so that we can head to Ice Cream factory. Ice Cream factory? Is it a crime to love sweet things? My cousin once said “If you were a chic, men only need to buy you ice cream to take you to bed” on the contrary, any chic that buys me Ice cream can actually take me to bed.
4.00pm: I got to Ember with Obinna, saw Slim sitting with the sisters, (Oh Thank God the mum isn’t here, sign of the cross) hugged Slim but held on a lil longer until she whispered “My mum is watching us” Jisos is Lord. I was so scared, like really? I’ve seen this woman twice in two days. Just when I was beginning to think of a way to excuse Slim, she informed that we would be going for some MasterCard game viewing do at Expo center and yes you guessed correctly with the mum.
7.00pm: Expo Center canceled Ice Cream factory and to think I didn’t have lunch because of Ice Cream factory. I told Slim I wanted to get dinner; she said it would be on her because she didn’t take me to Ice Cream factory as discussed and agreed. Slim said she would like to take me to Chicken Republic but before that she would like to get money from an ATM machine.
Slim said she would like to take me to Chicken Republic but before that she would like to get money from an ATM machine.
We walkeeeeeeeeed from Expo hall to ATM gallery abi galleria on Ajose Adegun where the first machine gladly informed that her ‘financial institution’ was not available. She moved to the second one and immediately she slotted her card in she said started speaking in tongues asking the machine to please save her from the embarrassment and pay her but either the machine didn’t understand her or just for the fun of it, the machine ate her card. She knelt down, kicked the machine and called the machine all sorts of names and still nothing happened.
She had two options (1) To all me pay or (2) To call a friend. She choose the second option, she called her sister who asked her to come back to Eko Hotel to get the money.
So we decided to get a cab, the first said he would take N1k5 to take us to Eko Hotel to enable her collect the money and then bring us back to Chicken Republic. The 2nd cab driver said he would take N1K last but Slim would have none of that. She said she wants a cab with a meter and we got one who said without the meter he would charge us N1K5 but Slim insisted on using the meter. The Meter started counting from N200 and at N490 we arrived at Eko Hotel, collected the money and back to Chicken Republic.
Moral of the story sometimes it pays to be Ijebu.
Special thanks to the guy/lady whom we used his car as a dining table for dinner at Expo center, Eko Hotel.
11.00pm: Phone rings with caller ID “Borri call Ajah”
Nobs: Hey *in a tiny voice*
Borri Call Ajah: How na? Are you home, I want to come over jor
Nobs: I’m on my way back from the Gym and tomorrow is Sunday
Borri Call Ajah: Go jor.You always make it seem like you are the only one who can make the call sef
Nobs: I’m sorry.I”ll call you when I get home so that I can help you over the phone.
Borri call Ajah: Whatever jor..ok call
I can’t really remember if I made that call or not.
SUNDAY, May 23rd 2010
9.00am or thereabout: On waking up from sleep I knew this day was not going to be that great cos my cousin was playing Durella‘s “Enemies” at a very high volume. Who plays such song at 9am in the morning except you stay in a “face me, I face you” apartment and someone moved your bucket of water from the general bathroom door. Well, I didn’t have to think long cos a friend just buzzed to say “Yo Nobs, R**dman is talking about you on twitter. You need to get on and defend yourself”.
Hmmmmm, warrido? I logged on and tried to read his timeline only to realize that I’ve been blocked. I tried to reach him on BB but couldn’t find him, so asked OF to copy his timeline and send the content to me via BBM.
Below are some of dem tweets….
“Even with d cheap twitter n blog publicity I help some get, dem still no fit blow up. After tgis morning it’ll end for dem bt R***dman n other successful ppl here on twitter remain”
“#getitintoyourfakehead being blunt isn’t being disrespectful or rude.u probably think so cos its d truth about you”
“A friend will tell u you are wrong one on one. An Ass hole will shout u r wrong infront of millions to feel important or hype their blog n tell u one on one “u know say we need to write now”
“there r too many terrible things happening in d world,d least I can ask for is a true friend. if u can’t b dat then #stepOff”
“Followin n suckin up to artists, losing ur flyin job,organisin mini bart shows,tweetin,starting a blog n writing crap doesn’t make u a star.#Getalife”
“Hate runts dat pretend to be friends in ur face and go behind u or on their blog to say rubbish about you.#Notneeded”
I totally agree that at some point one has to be a bigger person and let certain things slide. I tried to be the bigger person and I even googled ‘Bigger person award winners’ but nothing came up so I decided to send him the mail below;
I thought you’ve made your feelings about the article known to me via direct messages on the 18th of May and I informed you that we had to publish contributors’ opinion(s) regardless.
I’ll not exchange words with you on twitter because I respect you a lot but you just have to stop. Please attack the site and not my person.
It took you 5 days to make up your mind to attack me on twitter but why a Sunday morning, I thought we are meant to keep it HOLY?
May God touch your heart to stop now so that we can give God the glory.
You’ll agree with me that I was being a good Christian and only responded via twitter when I couldn’t send him the message through BBM. Oh well.
But people sha like gist>People following both of us still sent me BB messages asking for details.
5.00pm: Met Slim (without her mum) at Zamunda for an evening party and ofcus she was mad at me for not playing the bigger person. She took me to her car to scolded me and afterwards took me to Ice Cream factory where I saw a staff with “Ice Cream factory “tattooed on his right arm. I had to ask him if his tattoo is permanent and if he’s the owner of the outlet to which he answered yes and no respectively.
Imagine this conversation in the future
Son: Dad what’s that?-pointing at the tattoo
Father: It’s a tattoo
Son: What’s ice Cream factory?
Father: Some place I worked
Son: What happened?
Father: erm they sacked me
Son: Are you going to remove it now that you work with Choc Royal.
Father: I can’t, it’s permanent and that‘s the reason I only wear long sleeve shirts to work.
Moral of the story: Don‘t be in a hurry to tattoo his name on your boobs.
Special shout out to The ABEs, the Anis, OF, Seyi and every other person in between.