Welcome to Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid (thanks to Madonna for the column name). Before you start your reading make sure you read the rules herehttps://www.360nobs.com/2010/05/memoirs-of-a-slu%E2%80%A6shhkid-the-rules-to-read-by/
THURSDAY, May 13, 2010; Location: SAIPAN, Lagos
I went to SAIPAN and it rained Ashis. I don’t know if you’ve been to SAIPAN on a Thursday between the hours of 1.30am-3am? I went last night and I’m still recovering from a massive dose of cheap perfume mixed with body odour and a severe case of not-so-expensive-ashewo. The bar was filled with plenty Oyinbos and the music was right but as you already know, where two or three oyinbos are gathered in Lagos, there would be a minimum of 16 Ashis. I saw some Ashis that will make those that operate from Adeyemo Alakija look like Mass servers.
Oyinbos and to think that they all came after praying to God to provide them with customers while the wives at home might have also prayed for God to block the eyes of people seeking the attention of their husbands (Why put God through all these sef?)
So I was on my own Jeje, ok, maybe not so on my own because I did look at her by mistake
She walked over and the following took place
Sister Ashi: “Do you like what you see?”
Nobz: “On TV?”
Sister Ashi: Me
Nobz: Hmmm, Not bad
Sister Ashi: “I’m not expensive n I promise to treat you well”
Nobz: I never said I was buying
Sister Ashi: “Bros, e cold and I’ll even suck you for car”
Nobz: “Jisos, please take the wheel”
Sister Ashi: Okay, Bros I’ll follow you for 12K
Nobz: “Does that mean you’ll be spending the week?’
Sister Ashi: “Ah ah na, it’s TDB na”
Nobz: “I no dey pay for sex”
Sister Ashi: “Okay, I’ll do you good at 6k”
Nobz: “2k (praying she’ll walk away)”
Sister Ashi: “Okay, wait let me get my bag and inform my friends”
No, I did not wait and I won’t be going back to SAIPAN anytime soon to avoid a scene by the escalators lift one of these days.
Imagine, some ashi shouting while holding me by my collar “YOU EHHH, YOU PRICED ME KOBO KOBO AND RAN AWAY. GOD DON CATCH YOU TODAY”
FRIDAY, May 14, 2010; Location: My Ma
Onyinye called me and asked if she could stay over at mine with 3 of her hawt girlfriends and as a good Christian I said yes, I mean what are friends for (Boys should emulate me).
1759 came at 12.30am to get me and we headed to Eko Hotel to pick Oga and then Macquues Marquee to meet up with Vod and Henny.
We started the night with 4 bottles of Moet Rose, a bottle of Vodka and 7 cans of Redbull, which is known as ABE regular. At some point, while the DJ was dishing out some “Lagos Party Jams” someone tempered tampered with the light because all the Sister-Agadi-Nwanyi – Young and the female waiters were looking “fly” all of a sudden. I could not spot any ugly person in the club.
I was busy admiring one of the waiters when “Cute face M” walked up to me and said “Hi Nobs, been a min”. Hmmmm,” Cute face M is a friend’s sister and in our book of blazing, all friends’ sisters are considered “Dudes” and as such are “untouchables”.
Apparently “Cute face M” was “under the influence” and her face was very close to mine thereby making my lips very close to hers but nothing happened. Ok maybe something happened but it all took place “under the influence”. The train moved over to Auto Lounge to continue the ministration without “Cute Face M” and we were blessed with inspirational songs from the DJ. Henny danced seriously with two different keles ladies, collected digits and we left the club for our different homes ALONE.
I got home, walked into my room and saw three kele ladies on my bed. I looked for a tiny space for my tiny frame and fixed myself in there. At some point, I was pressed and needed to pee.I stood up, dragged myself to the bathroom, just as I was about to turn on someone whispered “Please don’t turn on the light. The last thing I remembered my boxers going off and that was it I woke up Saturday morning with a nasty headache alone in my room. (Don’t ask me “How” cos I can’t remember nada”).
NB: Henny did not remember any of the 2 ladies he danced with or what he saved their numbers as/with.
SATURDAY, May 16, 2010
I had plans to sleep throughout the day until I got a call from “Slim” inviting me out for an evening drinks at her friend’s place off Adeola Odeku and since its difficult if not impossible to turn down any sort of invitation from “Slim” I said “Okay”.
I got to the house at about 6.30pm and “Slim” came downstairs to get me, we shared a moment TALKING before we walked in. Inside, I met the “We-do-not-plan-to-leave-a-table-full-of-free-food-and-drinks-alone group”, the-I-want-to-watch-BBC-at-a-party” (like duh, Dude was aiming to impress keles) and “the gossipers” (headed by Slim which I joined instantly).
Henny joined us about 8.30pm while we were playing some Oyibo game called ‘Guestimanias’ or s sorrels something (all these funky names sef, abeg). The height of the game was when some dude was trying to describe Michelle Obama and his group members were screaming ‘Ashewo” . I mean who tries to describe Michelle Obama by shaking his bum?
Next game was ‘Concentration where you had to drink or kiss if you got the answers wrong. (Eat your hearts out) Mind you before this time ‘Slim’ has been experimenting with my head by mixing all sorts of alcohol to get me drunk and take advantage of me. The game started and as a Christian, each time I lost, I opted for a drink instead of a kiss but at some point Slim’s mixtures took over by that time majority of the participants were no longer interested in taking the shots, the kisses went round with Henny getting more than any other dude and T (Chic) getting more kiss from chicks than guys.
The evening ended with a system filled with alcohol, cocktail of saliva, an erection and a pink G-string in my back pocket.
SUNDAY, May 16th, 2010
I was woken up by 10am by a phone call from OG inviting me to breakfast and since I heard that children in Somalia are dying of hunger, I’ve decided never to waste food or decline any food offer.
Breakfast at Roberts Café, Meeting at Eko hotel and then a call from “Slim” inviting me to another event (we can’t turn ‘Slim” down). She came with Dibi to get me from Eko Hotel looking ………………………. (Fill in the blank) and we went to the Market event where I bought a red scented candle as cheap as N1800.00 (Slim, you are so gonna pay me back my moni) and afterwards “Slim” invited me to Debonairs for Pizza with her sisters.
It was my first time hanging out with the three ladies and I’ve not seen sisters that close. They put me on the hot seat and asked me “If you were offered 500 Million Euro, will you let a guy Kondo you?” Tufiakwa…Chukwu aju. That would surely be the dude’s last offer to anybody cos I’ll kick his 2 tennis balls into his stomach.
“Slim” dropped me to get my car and she then took the ladies home.
I drove down to the Galleria for a meeting and towards the end of the meeting, an old kele walked in looking different in a fine way. I asked her what she was doing on the Island and she said she came to see a movie and wants to grab a Shawama from Mega Plaza before heading. I agreed to give her a ride and on getting off the car she leaned in and her parting words were “I’m not wearing an underwear” and I whispered back “Good for us” before heading to Lekki 1.
Shout outs to the weekend regulars-ABEs, Henny, OG, Busola, The Ani’s, T (I had fun at yours) and every other person in-between.