I’ve been itching to write.
It’s been painful staying away this long but I knew we needed it. Four years of dead romance and predestined heartbreak, I knew I had to stay away too. There is so much going in my life right now and all I want to do is put it out in words. Put it out and hope that someday, it would make sense to you.
I got this new apartment last week and to be honest, I love every bit of it. It’s got three bedrooms and a study room. There’s an arch that divides the kitchen from the dining room and goodness, it’s so beautiful! I’m hoping when Samson and Samantha turn 7 in March, they’ll understand that they can sit at the table while I pass their food from the kitchen. I won’t have to yell at anybody for coming into the kitchen to touch things – Very typical of Samantha. It’s been wonderful watching our kids grow. Practically, Samson never allows Samantha go anywhere without him. They are like lovers – mini what-we-used-to-be.
Mother says we should come over to hers for Christmas but I doubt that’s healthy for my twins. I need them strong. Moving children here and there especially with this terrible weather isn’t exactly the best. Moreover, I want to bond well with the kids this Christmas. Take them away from distractions and all the academic tension possible. It’s been so hard on them because Samson still cries when he can’t sing his “3 times table” correctly and Samantha, she still doesn’t get her sums and subtractions right.
It’s not just the two of them who need a break but here, I also do. Asides writing, I’ve picked up with my tailoring. It’s a bit forthcoming in terms of income but it’s also stressful. Sometimes I get home and they are asleep or are watching television and I’m wondering what they are thinking. Do they think I’m never there or do they see that all I’m doing is for them? Even when I try to work at home I can’t do much because of the noise from the sewing machine. I think I can do better especially with paying attention to them and I’m looking to make up for all the time lost sewing, for my kids. Luckily, I think I’ve made enough money to last us through Christmas.
As happy as we may seem, my main concern is this Samuel; I don’t want to have to lie to our kids anymore. Every now and then Samantha asks of you and I have to tell her you’ll be back soon. It hurts me more to think she knows I’m lying to her. I see it in her eyes and for some unexplained reason, Samson doesn’t even bother to ask about you anymore. He probably can’t stand my lies about your disappearance. The other day I found your picture under his pillow and I can only imagine how much pain my boy is going through. You’re hurting me Samuel, you’re hurting everyone. Is it time to tell my jewels you’re never coming back home?
This wasn’t our dream. This wasn’t what we hoped for our kids – but this is what it is. For the sake of our children I should have stayed through your addiction but this begs the question “What the hell happened to you?” “What changed?” You didn’t give me the chance to try to stay and it’s amazing that I still love you through this mess. Divorcing you wasn’t part of the plan. I never even saw it coming. Still, as hard as my heart thumps in despair about it, I know it is best for you, for me and for our kids. There has been nothing as sad as putting up the Christmas tree alone, without you. Everything this Christmas has been made to perfection – Everything but you.
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